To Breathe Again (Learning To Live Again Book 3)

by Dori Lavelle

  When he reached the truck, he glanced back at the house. Nora was still standing on the doorstep, arms crossed over her chest. She looked directly at him, and her gaze hit where it hurt the most: his heart. It had almost killed him when he’d lost Carmen, but he couldn’t even start to imagine Nora’s pain. Yes, he had loved Carmen so much it hurt, but he had known her only a few years. Nora had known and loved her daughter from the day she had taken her first breath. If Carmen’s parents never forgave him for the rest of their lives, he would understand. He had no choice.

  He nodded in her direction and got into the truck, then drove away without looking back.

  ***

  Kelsey sat at the table eating breakfast while Shaun’s mother stood at the stove. Kelsey saw him first and smiled. Her smile held questions, hope.

  “How did it go?” she asked, and his mother turned around, a spoon in her hand.

  “Shaun, I didn’t hear you come in. Tell us, did you get to talk to them?”

  Shaun slumped into the chair next to Kelsey and she took his hand.

  “I only talked to Nora—”

  “That’s good.” He saw the relief in his mother’s eyes. “I’m glad she gave you a chance to explain.”

  Shaun shook his head and his stomach clenched when he remembered the look in Nora’s eyes. “She didn’t invite me in. She told me to go.”

  “She refused to hear you out?” Kelsey squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry, Shaun.”

  Shaun ran his thumb over the top of Kelsey’s hand as his mother’s face fell.

  “Yes. She refused to talk to me.” He swallowed hard. “But I apologized anyway. It’s the least I could do.”

  His mother came to lay a hand on his head. “You did what you had to do.”

  “Yes, you couldn’t have done more than that,” Kelsey added.

  His mother returned to the stove. “Some wounds never heal,” she said, scooping scrambled eggs onto a plate. “So we live with them. Or we try to.”

  They made lighthearted conversation as they ate, pretending everything would be all right. Shaun wanted to believe it, but something inside his heart wouldn’t let him. There was a weight on his chest he just couldn’t ignore. But he wouldn’t let anyone see it.

  After breakfast, his mother showed Kelsey photos of Shaun and his brothers as kids, and they all laughed about the mischief they got up to back then. Kelsey laughed so hard that tears sprang to her eyes. She asked endless questions about Shaun.

  Shaun sat in what used to be his father’s favorite armchair and watched Kelsey.

  After all the wrong turns his life had taken, she had still shown up. And she hadn’t given up on him yet. That must mean something. There had to be hope somewhere.

  Chapter Six

  Shaun drew his arm out from underneath Kelsey and reached for his phone on the bedside table. Two a.m. Who would call him so early?

  “Hello?” he said, blinking away sleep. No response. “Hello, who’s there?”

  Still nothing. Apart from labored breathing from the other end, he heard only silence, so eerie it caused a cold shiver to run down his spine.

  Kelsey stirred but didn’t wake up.

  Before Shaun could say anything more, he heard a click and the phone went dead.

  Something wasn’t right, and he felt it in his whole body. The dread that had hung over him three days ago, when he’d visited Nora, had swelled to a dark storm cloud.

  He sat up and stared into the darkness. There was no way it was a wrong number. Someone had wanted to call him and hung up. He was familiar with such calls.

  Before he went to prison, people who hated him for what he’d done had called and hung up almost every day. Eventually he had been forced to change his number. And now it was happening all over again.

  Shaun felt a warm, gentle caress on his back and climbed back under the covers. He pulled Kelsey to him and she nuzzled her face into his neck.

  “Who was it?” she whispered.

  He ran his hand along her arm. “Wrong number. Go back to sleep.”

  Kelsey drifted off again a few moments later, but Shaun stayed awake, staring into the dark room. His thoughts, and his guilt, swirled through him.

  Serendipity was a small town, and when something like Carmen’s death took place, the whole community felt the shock. People would not forget easily what he had done. He would probably remain an outsider for as long as he lived. And as long as he remained in town, they would scorn him.

  But he had already paid for what he did, dammit. Did they really expect him to keep paying for the rest of his life?

  Kelsey had taught him how to live again. How to move on in spite of what had happened. For her, he would stay and fight. No way would he fuck up his life with Kelsey because of his past. Not this time.

  Chapter Seven

  The growl of a chainsaw disturbed Kelsey’s late morning snooze. She dragged herself out of bed and shuffled to the window, tying the belt of her silk robe around her waist.

  The sun was already bright in the sky. How long had she been sleeping? She had never slept so much in her life before coming to Serendipity.

  Shaun, shirtless and with his pants low so his boxer shorts were showing, stood atop a ladder in the backyard. He was helping the gardener saw the branches off the largest oak tree. The gardener had blond hair, and defined muscles just like Shaun.

  Kelsey smiled as she remembered the first time she’d seen Shaun shirtless. Her spine tingled. It seemed she could never get enough of the man.

  At that moment, Shaun turned and spotted her in the window. He waved and she waved back. He said something to the other man, who gazed in her direction, nodded and waved. A wide smile split his tanned face. They went back to work, and Kelsey reluctantly left the view to take a shower.

  She had just finished dressing when there was a knock at the door.

  “Come in,” she said, already pulling the door open.

  “Morning, sweetheart. I won’t be long. Just want to have a word.” Since Shaun had come home, his mother had hardly stopped smiling. Every time she looked at Shaun, her eyes brightened and welled up with tears. Happy tears. But this morning, Kelsey caught a glimpse of the sadness she had detected in Rachel’s eyes on the day they met.

  Kelsey stepped aside to let her enter. “Of course.”

  Rachel walked over to the only chair in the room and sat down. Kelsey perched on the edge of the bed, facing her, who wrung her hands in her lap.

  Kelsey’s breath caught, and her heart started pounding. “Are you okay?”

  A wavering smile flickered over Rachel’s face. She reached for Kelsey’s hands. “I just realized this morning that I never really thanked you.”

  “What for?”

  “For bringing my son back home. Shaun went to hell and back.” She paused and blinked furiously. “If it weren’t for you, he’d still be in that hell.” Her warm hands squeezed Kelsey’s.

  Kelsey’s heart swelled. “You never have to thank me for being there for Shaun. I love him. And he gave me something priceless.”

  Rachel touched Kelsey’s cheek. “I’m so glad Shaun was the miracle you needed during that difficult time. Are you really okay now?”

  Kelsey nodded. “I’m on medications, but I feel great. I’m grateful I didn’t have to wait too long for a donor.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.” Rachel moved her hands back to her lap. Her chin hit her chest. “Kelsey, I’m afraid my son is going to need to lean on you for just a little longer.”

  Kelsey’s mouth went dry. “Did something happen?”

  Rachel nodded. “Yes.” She looked up again. “I intend to tell both of you later. I just wanted to give you a heads-up that he will need your support.”

  “Of course. He has that always.” Kelsey’s voice trembled. Was Rachel sick? Was that what she wanted to tell Shaun? Her chest ached.

  “Thank you.” Rachel stood and walked to the door. She turned before stepping out. “I truly appreciate everything
you’ve done for my boy.”

  ***

  Shaun appeared in the bedroom just after his mother left. He kissed Kelsey on the cheek and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower, while she remained on the edge of the bed, endless thoughts racing through her mind.

  “You okay?” Shaun asked a few minutes later, drying his hair with a towel. “You look distant somehow. Something on your mind?”

  She forced a smile. “Nothing important.” She stood and kissed his damp cheek.

  “Good.” He dropped the towel onto the bed and encircled her waist, pulling her against his hard, naked body. “Because today is a good day. Each day with you is a good day. But first things first.” He nuzzled her ear.

  “You insatiable beast.” She laughed despite her worries.

  Minutes later, they were under the covers relishing each other’s kisses. They were so consumed in their passion that a knock on the door made them both jump.

  “Come out, you two,” Rachel said from the other side. “Breakfast is past and your brunch is getting cold.” They heard her padding away.

  Kelsey giggled like a teenager and Shaun covered her mouth with his hand.

  “I’m not done with you yet.” He removed his hand from her mouth and glided it down the side of her body, bringing it to rest on her hip. Tugging gently, he flipped her onto her stomach and lowered himself on top of her, spreading her legs apart with his knees. “Damn, I love fucking you,” he whispered in her ear. She gasped into the pillow as he gripped her shoulders and thrust into her.

  Chapter Eight

  “What do you and Kelsey have planned for the day?” Shaun’s mother asked when they finally found their way to the kitchen table.

  Shaun knocked back half of his black coffee and smiled at his mother. She used to ask them that question every Saturday when they were kids. And when they responded, she told them what they should do instead. Something like read a book, or go to some museum. Anything, as long as it was educational. She had always been an advocate for education, unlike their father, who’d believed that education, though valuable, wasn’t a panacea. There were other factors that made a person successful in life.

  He’d been living proof of that. He’d dropped out of school at fourteen to work for an auto repair company. His hard work was rewarded when the owner died and left the business to him. Within a year, he’d doubled the business’s profits.

  A week before he died of a heart attack, he’d gathered his whole family together to tell them one thing: “Find your passion. Whatever you do, make sure it’s backed by passion, and the money will eventually follow.”

  That was the motto that had driven Shaun all his life.

  “I was thinking of dropping by the house. But I have a feeling you have other plans for us.” The thought of going back to the home he had shared with Carmen, the home that had lost its heartbeat when she died, was enough to just about kill him, but he had to do it. He had to face the past and make peace with it.

  His mother turned back to the sink and began rinsing the already clean plates.

  Kelsey and Shaun exchanged a glance.

  Shaun narrowed his eyes and stood. Wrapping an arm around his mother’s shoulders, he peered into her face as best he could. “Mom, those plates are clean. Is everything all right?”

  She shrugged and forced a smile. “I didn’t do a good job the first time.”

  “Kelsey, great to meet you in person. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Shaun turned around to see a man in stained trousers and a tool belt bending to kiss Kelsey on the cheek. “Sorry I wasn’t able to see you earlier. I was away on business.”

  “It’s wonderful to meet you…too.” The confused look on Kelsey’s face told Shaun she had no idea who the guy was.

  Their mother sighed, perhaps with relief, at the disturbance. “Dustin.” She reached for a dishcloth and dried her hands. “You finally came to eat. What took you so long? Repairs can wait, you know.”

  Shaun laughed and went to sit back down. “Kelsey, this is my brother Dustin. As you may have already figured out, he loves broken things.”

  Surprise crossed Kelsey’s face, but she laughed. Shaun knew what she was thinking. When people met Dustin for the first time, they sometimes mistook him for a visiting repairman.

  Kelsey reached for a strip of bacon. “At least he likes to fix them. I think that’s a good thing.”

  “I think you and I will get along very well.” Dustin stood at the table and filled his plate with eggs, sausages, and bacon. Instead of sitting down to eat, he reached for a fork from the dish rack and ate standing up, his plate balanced on the palm of his hand. “So.” He smirked, chewing. “Kelsey, how do you put up with my brother? He can be quite an ass at times.”

  Kelsey placed a hand on Shaun’s thigh under the table and grinned. “It’s hard, but I do my best.”

  “Look who’s talking,” Shaun scoffed. “How many girls have you managed to keep around?”

  Dustin shoved the last of his eggs into his mouth and chewed thoroughly, giving Shaun a tilted smile. “If I find the one, I’ll do everything to keep her around. Trust me. So far”—he shrugged—“I’m enjoying window shopping.” He went to pat Shaun on the back. “Seriously, Shaun, I’m happy you found Kelsey. I’m glad she brought you back to life. And she’s gorgeous. Don’t mess it up.”

  Kelsey blushed as Dustin placed his plate in the sink. He went to kiss Rachel, who had moved to a chair and was sitting with her hands clasped. “Mom, I have to go to a meeting. The guest toilet is working great now. If you need anything else fixed, I’ll take care of it when I drop by in a few days. You’re staying for a while, aren’t you, Shaun?”

  “Another few weeks and then I’m off to California to meet with the screenwriters.”

  “Good. Let’s get together at my place before you leave. How about a party to celebrate your return home?”

  “Sounds awesome. I’ll give you a call in a few days.”

  Chapter Nine

  Once Dustin had left, Shaun got up and headed for the door himself.

  Rachel sprang up too, as if there were hot coals on her chair. “Darling, where are you going?” Her face had drained of all color.

  Shaun turned, his brows furrowed. “Just going to get the paper.” He walked over to where his mother was standing. “Are you sure you’re okay, Mom? You seem different today. I know that look. You’re worried about something.”

  Rachel sighed and slumped back into her chair. “There’s something I need to tell you. Please sit down.”

  Shaun did as he was told. Kelsey’s stomach twisted. This was the news Rachel had mentioned. She put down her fork and got to her feet. “I’ll give you a minute alone.”

  Neither of them responded, so Kelsey walked out. She didn’t go far. It would be inappropriate to eavesdrop on their conversation, but she just had to know what was bothering Rachel so much. Whatever it was could hurt Shaun.

  Kelsey leaned against the wall on one side of the door and shut her eyes, holding her breath.

  “What’s going on, Mom?” Shaun asked.

  “Shaun,” Rachel said, her voice shaking. “Nora died…yesterday.”

  Silence fell over the kitchen as the knot in Kelsey’s stomach tightened even further. Carmen’s mother was dead? He’d just been to see her a few days ago. How was that possible?

  “What… What happened?” Shaun’s voice was barely audible. “She was all right when I saw her. Was she sick?”

  A long pause.

  “Sweetheart,” Rachel said, “she committed suicide. The maid found her floating in the pool. The papers say she took a bunch of sleeping pills.”

  Shaun inhaled sharply. “I just don’t get it. No, this can’t be happening.”

  Kelsey heard a chair scraping against the wooden floor.

  “Baby, I don’t want you blaming yourself for this. It’s not your fault. You understand?” Rachel’s voice was urgent, desperate.

  “How could I not, Mom? She was fine. And t
hen I came back to town. Days after I went to see her, she killed herself. We can try to twist this any way we like, but we both know why she’s dead. I came back to Serendipity, and I brought all the tragic, traumatic memories of what happened to her daughter with me.”

  Kelsey swallowed and peered through the slit in the door. Rachel stood up, pulled Shaun out of his chair, and hugged him. Shaun faced the door over Rachel’s shoulder, but his eyes were closed.

  Please, God, don’t let this destroy him. Please let him survive this.

  She pressed a hand to her mouth and tried not to cry. They had come such a long way, made so much progress, and now this.

  “I’m sorry, baby. But you have to keep going. You’re doing so well.”

  Shaun released his mother. “I’m responsible for two people’s deaths. I killed them both.”

  Rachel cupped his face with trembling hands. “Don’t. Don’t say that. You have nothing to do with her death. And you will not stop living because of this tragedy. Look at you. You’ve found a nice girl and you have a bright future before you. I’m so proud of you.”

  “Thanks, Mom. But I’m afraid everyone in town won’t agree with you. They’ll think exactly what I’m thinking right now.”

  Rachel’s hands dropped to her sides and her face hardened. “To hell with what they think. The only thing that matters is what you think. Don’t you dare let them stand in your way. Now go. Go and have a nice day with Kelsey.”

  Kelsey stepped away from the door and walked blindly into the living room, where she dropped onto the couch, her knees knocking against each other.

  When Shaun entered the living room a few minutes later, he was alone. He sat down next to her and told her the news she already knew.

  “I promise,” he said. “I promise to try and deal with this. Don’t think I’ll get back to the man I was in Dreara, okay?”