Shame of It All

by KT Grant

  I hated how a shiver encased my arms and legs because of his voice. I drank from my water bottle. “I know who you are. I’m Mercy Pryce, a nobody, so why would someone like you want to talk to someone like me?”

  “You’re not a nobody. You’re Mercy Pryce.” He winked.

  I sputtered out a laugh. “I would say you’re obtuse…” I waved my hand around.

  “Obtuse?” His perfectly smooth eyebrows lifted. “Big word for someone our age.”

  “It was on the SATs.” I finished my water.

  “You knew what that word meant before you took the exam.” He nodded. “You’re an intelligent woman.”

  My face warmed. “Thanks for the compliment.” I flexed my hand around the water bottle as I tried to figure out a way to leave. I still wanted to run, but what if Yakim watched me? “Um…you like to jog?”

  “I only dress in these types of clothes for exercise. Jogging is not my favorite thing to do, but I wanted to check the track since Father paid for it.” He folded his hands on his knees. “Now you’ll think I only got into Amherst because my family is rich.”

  “Is it true?” Something I shouldn’t have asked but curiosity overrode politeness.

  He sent me a closed-lipped smile. “I could have gone to any school in the world because of my father’s money, but I’m not some spoiled rich kid. I’m smart and I like my studies. Also, some of my mother’s family attended here and live nearby, so here I am.”

  “I didn’t mean to offend—”

  He lifted his hand “No offense, Milost.”

  “Mi-lost?” His use of Russian was incredibly attractive. Some would say sexy. I wanted him to say more, and I wanted to learn. From him.

  He twisted open the cap to his bottle and held it out to me. “You need to hydrate. It means mercy. Milost is your name in Russian.”

  I said it a few times, pressing my lips together on the M and ending with a hard T. “I never heard someone say my name in another language.”

  “Now you have.” He continued to push the bottle on me. “You can take this with you when you leave, or are you staying? It would be nice to have a running partner.”

  “Just for today?” I always considered running a solitary exercise, something people did as a form of meditation or a release. It was why I started doing it.

  “Not just for today.” His face went blank as he stared at me.

  “Why me? I’m no one special, and if you think it’s a way for you—”

  He lifted his finger to his mouth. “Hush. You’re overthinking our relationship.”

  This guy had some balls. But he was unlike the boys in Cartleigh, including—no. Just the thought of him made me sick.

  Yakim stood and backed up a few steps. “If you prefer to jog alone, I’ll respect your wishes.”

  I rubbed my arms to erase the goose bumps rising there. Perhaps if I told him to go, he would. But I would see him again because we shared two classes together. I should have been unsettled with his perception, but he didn’t offend me. I wouldn’t lose my head over a man like I did in Cartleigh. The consequences of that traumatic relationship had ruined me.

  “You can stay. But I listen to music while I jog.” I placed my headphones on.

  “I will do the same.” He indicated his Mp3 player.

  “Okay.” I shook out my legs and stretched my arms while he did the same.

  “After you, Milost.” He held out his arm.

  “What does Yakim mean?”

  “Blessed by God.” His smile showed teeth, and he wiggled his eyebrows.

  I laughed. “Right.” Turning my music on loud enough to drown out the sounds around me, I started running. Yakim remained a few feet behind, until we ran a complete turn around the track, and I waved him to join me.

  We ran side by side for another half hour, until I was too winded to continue. He sat next to me while I rested, and when he asked if I would like to join him for lunch, I accepted.

  ###

  My usual Friday nights consisted of dinner with Yakim and then meeting up with Leona, the sometimes girlfriend of Yakim’s older brother, Maks. She was also close with Yakim and was an important part of my life. If she or the Zeldovich siblings saw where I was on a Friday night, they would find it hysterical.

  We all varied between being atheists and agnostics. I couldn’t remember the last time any of us had been inside a church, but for the third time this month, I would willingly go inside a house of worship and try to install myself as a member of St. Anthony’s and a member of the choir. In order to get close to Colt, I had to do the same with Father Chavis but not to seduce him. I may not believe in Heaven and Hell, but seducing a priest to get him to trust me so I might have access to his computer was too wicked. My depravity was for Colt alone.

  The bells at the top of the dome rang, denoting the hour. Six o’clock was still early for me since I usually worked late and didn’t go to sleep until after midnight, especially on a Friday. But the nightlife here was far from the excitement of city life I was used to. Plus, without Yakim or Leona, I didn’t feel the need to lose myself in alcohol or music at some sort of club or lounge. Sex was out of the question because I was saving myself for Colt. Ari was an option, but letting him fuck me would ruin my concentration. Also, Yakim wouldn’t like it at all. I had yet to tell him about Ari.

  I strode toward the entrance of the church basement where classes and groups were held. I was meeting Father Chavis as a way to finally impose myself on Colt. He would accept my presence as long as he thought I forgave him for what he did to me at the lake twenty years ago. I couldn’t wait to see his reaction up close.

  I opened the door. A few feet away was a desk, and an older woman wearing black framed reading glasses tapped on the keyboard to the computer. She stopped when I entered.

  “Why hello there. If you’re here for Bible study, it’s the second door on the right,” she said.

  It was hard to keep from laughing. I wore a dark-green-floral midi dress, which may have made her believe I enjoyed studying the Bible. The urge to correct her in a sarcastic way burned my tongue, but I was well aware why I was here and how to act. I sent her a more than polite smile and folded my hands demurely in front of my stomach. “As much as Bible study sounds wonderful, I have an appointment with Father Chavis about the choir.”

  The man in question emerged in the open doorway, behind the front desk. His heavy gait matched with his large size and slightly protruding stomach. A full white beard covered a weathered red face. I wouldn’t be surprised if he played Santa Claus for the kids at Christmastime. He would fit the role perfectly. I acknowledged him with a friendly smile and my hand out for him to shake.

  “Father Chavis? I’m Mercy Pryce. Thank you for meeting with me.”

  He took my hand in both of his and squeezed. “My pleasure. I’m thrilled you want to volunteer.”

  “I was hoping there was a spot for me in the choir. I don’t mind auditioning, and I also have a background in accounting in case you need someone to help with the financial side of things.” I kept my hands limp instead of curling my fingers in my palms. Not that his hand was unpleasant, even if they were on the rough side, but I always grew tense when someone new touched me.

  “We always need singers for our choir.” He released my hands and rubbed his palms together. “As for the church finances—”

  “We have it covered.” Colt held the edge of the door, as if posing. Or maybe he was blocking me from entering. It could have all been a trick of the mind because it felt much longer than it should.

  “Hello, Colton,” I whispered and lowered my eyes, viewing him under my eyelashes. Let him think I was submissive. Anything to make him comfortable in my presence.

  “Hi, Mercy.” He stopped at the father’s side and looked his fill of me. I let him.

  “You know one another?” Father Chavis asked. The woman at the front desk watched in enthrallment based on her jaw dropping.

  “We went to middle school and
high school together.” Colt’s gaze pinpointed on my face. “She sang in the choir in high school.”

  “I sang a few solos on occasion.” I addressed my comments to the father. “I lived here with my grandparents. They sometimes attended mass here at St. Anthony’s. You might have known them—Oliver and Gertrude Pryce.”

  “Your grandfather doesn’t sound familiar, but your grandmother does.” Father Chavis made a humming sound in his throat as he tried to place my grandmother. “Was she a nurse?”

  “Yes, at Valley Medical. She passed away eight years ago from cancer. My grandfather worked at the Pufuso Equipment factory before it closed. He died when I was a teenager.” I sniffed and scratched under my eyes to make them red. All to make my audience believe I was emotional.

  “Mercy returned home to assist with the Alzmeya negotiations. I hear she’s their star attorney,” Colt announced and smiled, as if he was impressed.

  He had never been big with compliments, but then again his role as mayor may have forced him to be that way, especially considering we were on holy ground and a picture of Jesus stared at us on the wall next to Father Chavis’ office.

  The odds he’s ever confessed to his priest for the brutality he inflicted on me were not in his favor. How I wish I could bet against him in some sort of race or card game and make him lose everything. But wishing wouldn’t accomplish anything. I had to take the initiative to make him a fool and take away everything that had ever been given to him.

  The sudden way I reacted caught him unaware. Either it was my smile widening because of my thoughts on destroying him, or my face warming and body responding, becoming aroused because of my thoughts. Whatever it was, he moved closer to me.

  I would have loved to knee him in the crotch and watch him fold to the floor in pain, but that fantasy would remain in my head along with the other soul-crushing things I wanted to inflict on him.

  “God bless the Zeldovichs. They will do great things for Cartleigh.” Father Chavis raised his hands to his mouth and mumbled something.

  “Amen, Father.” Front desk woman sent me a satisfied nod.

  Colt was unmoved until I sent him an are they real? look. He coughed and cleared his throat.

  The priest clapped. “How about I take you on a tour and introduce you to the choir? They practice Monday and Friday nights at six and at eight in the morning on Sundays before Mass.”

  “Sounds good.” I shot Colt a shy glance. My way of still playing coy.

  “While you give Mercy the tour, I’ll finish up in your office.” Colt took out his cell and typed something on the touchscreen. He turned away and entered Chavis’ office.

  Father Chavis started down the hall. I caught up, walking beside him as he told me the history of the church and everything it offered its parishioners and the community. I let him drone on as I reviewed my interaction with Colt and whether it had the effect I hoped for.

  ###

  Instead of returning to the solace of my house, I went inside the church and lit some candles. I sat in the front pew and watched the fake flames. I wanted to go buy real ones in response to an urge to play with the hot wax like I sometimes did when Yakim, Leona, and I stayed in for the night. Desire was an emotion I welcomed. It was something expected in passion and in sex, but it grew while thoughts of revenge consumed me. I needed to unwind before I did something stupid. If Yakim were here, he would have helped calm me. I could always turn to him for relief. But I was on my own.

  “Did you know the church was a gift from my too-many-greats-to-count grandfather when Cartleigh was founded?” Colt sat directly behind me, his arms hanging over the edge of the pew on either side if me.

  I sat up straighter and inched to the edge of the pew. He would notice, of course, but I hadn’t given him permission to touch me. It would be a cold day in hell before he took something from me by force again.

  I wasn’t frightened. It could have been because of the two nuns sitting off to the side reciting the rosary. Colt was all about his public persona, even if it was inside this almost-empty church. But if he played the good Catholic everybody thought him to be, he would behave.

  “I’m surprised the church wasn’t named after your family. You could have started your own religion like Joseph Smith did with the Mormons.” I kept my voice soft, but I added some sarcasm.

  “They did try to name the town Hahn before the founders settled on Cartleigh, but my great, great, great whatever lost that tribute.” He removed his hands and eased back based on the creaking of the pew.

  I continued to stare at the candle display. “What made you become such a good Catholic? If I remember correctly, religion wasn’t important to you.”

  “Things have changed from the last time. We…ah, I became more spiritual. I took some theology courses in college, specifically Catholicism that gave me insight on myself and the world.” His voice grew closer as he moved toward me. “It helped me understand service better. It’s why I went into government to serve the community. How about you? You’re now big on religion? You found your Catholic faith again?”

  I swallowed a laugh. Believing in faith and embracing it was pathetic. Religion was such a con, one Colt now accepted, probably because it was a backup plan for his soul when he died. I would play along because I had to. I wanted him to think I found comfort in his religion because of the forgiveness factor involved.

  “I took a religious traditions class my freshman year at Amherst. I became close with the chair of the religion department, and she became my mentor of sorts.” I turned to face him. “I ended up minoring in theology.”

  “Really?” He fell back against the pew and crossed his arms. “Huh.”

  “Amherst offered so many great classes.” I mentioned it by name as a dig. “Imagine if I decided to have a career in theology instead of law and finance? I probably wouldn’t be making 200k a year.”

  He whistled. “You have no issue saying how much you make.”

  “If you think it’s to impress you, it’s not. I’m just stating fact.” I was paid well not because of my personal relationship with Yakim, but I deserved it. I conveniently left out the consulting fees that put my net worth in the seven-figure range.

  “I get paid pretty well as mayor.”

  He actually puffed up his chest or did this thing where he sat up higher to make it look like he was doing it. It wasn’t the first time a man made himself look good to impress me, especially after they found out how well I did. Always trying to one-up me. Colt was a perfect example of this.

  “So, Dartmouth worked out for you in the end.” His college situation had been the catalyst for everything. It was beyond ridiculous he was angry because he didn’t get into Amherst. It was why he raped me. I was given something he felt he had a right to.

  His proud expression vanished little by little, and a hard glint appeared in his eyes. Oh yes, he was still upset. He wouldn’t admit it. If he did, then I would bring up the night at the lake.

  “Dartmouth has an incredible Political Science department. Those classes helped me decide in a career in politics. If I had been accepted to Amherst, I might not be mayor here.” His eyes softened. “I might not have a good chance of becoming governor or a senator representing this state. Either one is the next step in my career.”

  If I had gone elsewhere, I wouldn’t have met Yakim. And if Colt had gotten into Amherst with me, who knew what our lives would have turned out to be. The idea we could have been—no. No way in hell. It probably wouldn’t have happened, but still….

  “Lost in your memories?” He leaned in close again, making everything around me seem smaller.

  I took my time instead of jumping out of my seat and giving some excuse on why I had to leave. I had been in tense situations in the past, and this one with him was no different. I could handle him and my reactions to his taunts. It would be so easy to shock him and watch the color drain from his face if I mentioned the rape, but it was too soon. So, I did something I never did before. I
turned my back on him, in essence making me vulnerable, and viewed the dancing flames of the fake candles.

  The beeping of a cell phone came from behind me. Based on Colt’s movements, I assume it was his. He sighed loudly but didn’t answer the phone, and I didn’t hear tapping for a text message. I would have expected him to do one or the other even inside the church because of the type of person he was, but he surprised me. He pressed his fingers on my shoulder and then let go.

  “Duty calls. Take care, Mercy Delores.” He got up and left.

  A haze fell over my eyes. I jabbed the spot on my shoulder he felt he had the right to feel, hoping to erase his touch. If only I could stab the inside of my ears to wipe away his voice. Only a few knew my middle name. He was one of them. He had always said my combined first and middle name when we were alone. Back then it had been something special we shared, now it sounded like a blasphemy.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  I didn’t do brunch. It was either breakfast or lunch, depending on when I woke up. If I slept in, I would have lunch. I wasn’t an in-between type of person. But I would make an exception because Ari was taking me to The Edulium. Coincidentally it would be the same time Colt and his parents would be there for their weekly reservation after Mass, based on my research. I suggested I would meet him there because of Mass but he wanted to pick me up. So I sat on the steps near the side entrance instead of the main one so Colt wouldn’t notice. I’d wait for the big reveal when I entered with Ari. It had been my recommendation to dine there.

  I was wondering if I could convince Ari to come to Mass with me next Sunday just to see what Colt’s reaction would be, when he rang my cell. Finding it odd he would call right before he picked me up, I shrugged and answered the phone.

  “Hi, Mercy. I have bad news about brunch.” He sounded rushed and out of breath.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, more curious as to why he was about to stand me up than concerned for the situation he was in.