Shame of It All

by KT Grant

  “You know Mountain Edge Stables? One of the horses went into labor, and the owners requested my help since I’ve delivered some of their foals before.” A beeping like a car door opening came over the line. He either was just getting in his car or stopped at the stables first before calling me. I was far from understanding about either because I wasn’t his first thought.

  “Yes, I know it. You’re there?” I walked to my car. I should have known something was wrong because he was fifteen minutes late.

  “Yeah, I was going to call you on the way there, but I didn’t want to get pulled over for talking on my cell while driving.”

  I rolled my eyes, doubting Cartleigh PD would pull him over. Ari was most likely friendly with the cops around here, especially since he was their main vet for any problems with their dogs in the canine unit.

  “We’ll have to reschedule, then.” I left a possible rain check open between us. He would make the next plans since he broke mine.

  “It’s a promise. To make it up to you, let me cook you dinner. How does homemade chili sound?” His voice lowered to a near whisper. I couldn’t tell if it was because he was near people or he was trying to seduce me with delicious food.

  “I’ll bring the wine. Just get back to me with the day and time so I can make sure my schedule is free.” As much as I wanted to reconnect with him, other important things came first. If for some reason things progressed with Ari faster than I anticipated, Colt would take precedence. Not because I preferred his company over Ari’s, but I had to keep in mind what I came here to do. Ari made me feel at ease and almost as content as Yakim did.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow either way. I don’t know how long I’m going to be at the stables.” The regret is his voice sounded authentic, so my annoyance lessened. I’d give him a pass this time.

  “Sounds good. Hope all works out with the horse labor or whatever you call it.” I entered my car and turned it on.

  He chuckled. “It’s known as foaling. I’ll tell you all about it when we see each other this week.”

  “Bye.” I hung up before he said the same. Let him spend the next few hours with his arms elbow deep in some horse. I was going to stick to the plan and have brunch at The Edulium, even if it meant dining alone, which I didn’t think would be the case for long. Colt would be tempted to invade my company. I had hoped he would, even if I was with Ari. Perhaps it would give him a reason to reestablish our relationship and move forward in the next step in me destroying his seemingly perfect life.

  ###

  I had been given a table in the corner, facing the entrance. I would have sat at the bar again, but I wanted the table and the extra seat. It was intimate here. Colt was chatting with one of the owners when I arrived. Not bothering to acknowledge him, I walked past him on the way to my table. I wanted to make an impression and had accomplished it.

  I drank my bellini and sent Yakim a selfie of my chest and face. He’d bought the dress for me after I helped him with an important purchase in China.

  I sneezed as a bubble escaped my glass and shot up my nose. As I reached for my napkin, Colt’s hand with a handkerchief entered my line of vision.

  “This linen will be kinder to your nose.”

  I took his handkerchief and patted my nose, inhaling Giorgio Armani Acqua, his scent of choice since high school. It had been his father’s as well. His uncle Samuel, too. He idolized both, so it made sense he would copy them from their hairstyle and fashion to even their scents.

  “Thank you. I do love the smell of crisp linen.” I placed the handkerchief on the table near him.

  He unbuttoned his suit jacket. “Party of one? Wasn’t Dr. Cobb joining you for brunch?”

  I could ask him how he knew, but he would have heard the gossip, even if it involved two people who he really didn’t associate with. Ari may have mentioned it and, since he knew most of those in Cartleigh, it made sense Colt would find out.

  “Vet emergency. He has to help a horse in labor. I’m fine dining alone.” I lifted my glass and finished my drink.

  “May I share another bellini with you? I got here a little early, and my party hasn’t arrived yet.” He sat without waiting for me to say yes.

  My server appeared as soon as Colt sat. He ordered two bellinis then waited with his hands folded on the table, looking too smug. He was testing me, liked I had done to him two weeks ago at St. Anthony’s. I was up for the challenge since we were in a public setting, so some rules of etiquette would apply on both out parts.

  “Your parents aren’t here?” I flattened my hand on his handkerchief, in part to show off my new ruby-red nail polish. The color was too bright to ignore. Many of the girls Colt associated with in high school, including his former girlfriend Karine, always wore this polish color.

  “Mom and Dad are driving to Manhattan to see a matinee. I’m eating with Karine, her husband and children, and her younger sister Agnes, who happens to be one of my assistants. Karine’s husband Brody is one of my lawyers and a good friend,” he announced and thanked the server who sat down our drinks. He lifted his glass. “Cheers.”

  I drank first and then tapped my glass to his. “You’re still friends with Karine? Her husband doesn’t mind?”

  He drank half of his bellini. “I introduced Brody to Karine. Our breakup was amicable, especially after the long history we share. I’m even godfather to their elder daughter.”

  “Karine has a daughter?” I added to keep him talking.

  “She has two, Alegra is eight, and Briella is five.” He set his glass on the table and covered his mouth when he burped.

  He was comfortable enough to release bodily noises. I’d witnessed my share of men and the sounds they made, mainly in public, and tried to hide my disdain because of who those men were and their importance. In this case, like so many others, I would hide my reaction. Offering honey instead of vinegar was better. I sipped slowly, mainly to hide my pinched mouth, and staying focused to draw Colt in.

  He licked his lips but then did the polite thing and wiped them with a napkin. His gaze lowered to my hand. “The ring you’re wearing is unique. What is it?”

  Could a college ring be unique? Most were unremarkable, even this sterling silver band with the amethyst solitaire stone in the middle surrounded by diamonds. I wore it to jab at Colt. “It’s my class ring.”

  He had yet to make some sort of snide comment or remark about Amherst, which had been one of the main reasons for his attack. Something like resentment flashed in his eyes, and I braced for his response, but then a woman with an abundance of blonde curls and dressed in all white approached the table. Karine Yeaton née Haddix, Colt’s former girlfriend now just a friend, arrived on the scene.

  “Colt, I thought it was you—” She rested her hand on his shoulder. Her eyes widened. “Mercy Pryce? I heard you were in Cartleigh. Is it really you?”

  The urge to reply with a snarky response burned my tongue. Her sweet-as-cherry-pie twang still sounded fake. I knew every piece of her background as much as I did Colt’s. One of the ways to get to him was through Karine, who was still close with him after all these years.

  “In the flesh.” I wouldn’t hug or kiss her. She was contaminated by Colt in more ways than one. Their long history bonded them—her hand on his shoulder and her hip pressed on his arm proved it.

  “Mercy is here on the behalf of Alzmeya. She’s helping with the negotiations.” He sent me a patronizing smile.

  “But you already know since your husband is Colton’s lawyer.” I let that piece of information slip out, not only to be friendly but to show I knew all the important players in the game.

  She fiddled with her pearls, which showed off her French manicure. “Brody is one of Colt’s most trusted advisers. I couldn’t be prouder of my husband and Colt.” She shifted closer to him and flexed her fingers on his. Perhaps she was still possessive of Colt even though she belonged to another man.

  “I’m sure you are.” I kept my stare on Colt while I finishe
d my drink. He could assume why I did.

  “I’ve been catching up with Mercy. She joined St. Anthony’s and is singing in the choir.” He rose from his chair. “Ari was supposed to join her, but he had an equestrian emergency.”

  “Ari is as dedicated to his job as Colt. I hope you can forgive him.” Karine laid her palm on her chest. When did she become such a caricature? Or had she always been that way and I hadn’t seen it until now. Or maybe I was too critical because of her relationship with Colt.

  “I’ve also had to cancel some appointment or another for work. We’ll reschedule this week.” I gave the two a sunny smile.

  “Good for you.” She nodded and then turned to Colt. “Brody and the girls are in the back waiting.” She curled her hand around his arm, shooting me a less-than-subtle look.

  I drew my hair over one shoulder and played with it. “Enjoy your brunch. Bye.” I gave Colt a finger wave.

  He lifted his hand without waving and let Karine escort him to the back while she chattered on. I was forgotten. Not that I minded because dealing with Colt alone was one thing, but with Karine in the mix, it was downright exhausting.

  Should I have been offended I wasn’t invited to dine with them? Colt acted like he wanted to continue talking with me. But he had always given me mixed signals, which in turn made me second-guess myself. But not this time. If anyone would be left wondering about someone’s motives, it would be Colt.

  How convenient he left his handkerchief behind. Whether he did on purpose or not, I didn’t care. I dropped the linen on the floor and waved my server over to take my order.

  ###

  The tradition in Cartleigh for graduating high school seniors involved two things—a picnic for the seniors and their families the Sunday before graduation, hosted by the principal, and a less wholesome one at Sitala Lake where seniors wouldn’t be bothered by the police who were well aware of the festivities. In the fifty-plus years this tradition at the lake had taken place, there had never been a fight or drowning. Regardless of social status and reputation, the entire senior class was invited. Attendance was expected even though after that night, the separation from high school would be glaring. Who cared what your former class thought of you, those people you saw five days a week for four years, and in some cases even longer? That was my feeling at the time because high school was just a means to an end, another moment in your life that led to the next big thing. In my case, it meant starting Amherst in the fall. I had received a half scholarship. No one else knew, but Amherst had been the only college I applied to, and for early admission. I was the first student in the senior class to get their acceptance. But I was the last to announce the news.

  The day Colt found out I got in, he ghosted me. A month before we graduated, he essentially walked out of my life. I had been so wrong about him, blinded by what some would say was love.

  His rejection hurt more because he didn’t say it to my face. But his expression was furious, a warning to stay away. I should have listened to myself but didn’t, accepting some of the blame for his attack on me right from the start. It wasn’t until years later the shame I possessed bounced back on him, and rightly so.

  The night was nearly perfect for a celebration on the beach. The air was rife with grilling and beer. Not even Ari’s OFF! helped elevate some of the odors. Ari, my go-to buddy ever since prom, made me feel safe and wanted. He was my buffer from my confusing emotions because of Colt, who stood less than ten feet away with his arm around Karine. She wore a strapless red minidress that made me feel plain in my tank top and denim skirt. I wasn’t expecting him to search for me, but there had always been a push and pull between us, a connection we were both well aware of despite the size of the room or the number of people with us. Now, the connection had been cut, torn apart. It left me with a gaping hole inside I couldn’t ignore.

  “Mercy Percy!” Marina, already tipsy from vodka combination wine coolers, stumbled over in her high-heeled sandals in the sand. I really didn’t want to end up in the ER because she sprained her ankle. Ari, with better manners than the majority of the guys here, caught her before she fell but was almost doused by her drink.

  “Our first night of freedom!” She hugged Ari who grinned, as if he was fine with a drunken Marina. His incredible manners stopped him from tossing her away.

  “How about we sit?” I tugged her to one of the lawn chairs Ari brought. She landed in the chair, spilling some of her drink.

  “I’m gonna have one hell of a hangover tomorrow, and I don’t care!” People cheered to join in on her yelling.

  Ari laid his arm over my shoulder. “I think it’s best if she sticks to water from now on. I saw some in a cooler next to the one of the kegs.”

  “Good idea.” I rubbed his back. “I wouldn’t want her to end up puking in your car.” He’d driven us here.

  He gave me a squeeze. “Even if she does upchuck in my car, I won’t leave you stranded.”

  “It’s a twenty-minute walk from here to my house, so I’d be okay. As for Marina…” We rolled our eyes at the same time as she swayed in the chair and waved her arms while rap music played from a boom box.

  “I’ll get us water.” I gave him a hug and walked to the area where the drinks and snacks had been laid out. As I was trying to find water, Colt appeared by my side and deposited a case of beer on the sand.

  “Meet me at our usual spot in ten minutes. We need to talk.” He grabbed some beers and left.

  That was all he had to say after ignoring me for week? Maybe he wanted to apologize in private for being a jerk. The odds of it happening were fifty-fifty, so it made me a little giddy, as if I had one too many drinks like Marina. Taking the bottles of water, I also took a pina colada wine cooler and hurried back to Ari and Marina to kill some time.

  Ari was too trusting, and Marina too drunk to question me. So off I went under the cloak of darkness to meet Colt like we had done many times once the weather became bearable outside. His favorite spot was near a secluded outcropping of rocks near a wooded area. Not many people hung out there because a girl from our high school had been raped and strangled there thirty years ago. The body had been found decomposing and half eaten by animals weeks after she went missing. The case had never been solved.

  Using such a place for a secret affair was disturbing, but Colt didn’t seem to care. We always stayed closer to the lake than near the spot where the body had been discarded. But I always found myself staring at those sections of trees, wondering if the girl had been in the same situation I found myself in with Colt, and things had ended badly for her.

  I carried another wine cooler as well as a beer for Colt. The beer was to help him chill since we would probably talk about Amherst. He had gotten into Dartmouth but hadn’t been offered a scholarship.

  The full moon was bright in the sky, but I still wished I had a flashlight. As the rocks and the silhouette of the trees came into view, a bat flew through the air and chirped. It made me stop in dread. My pulse ricocheted in my ears and my stomach dropped. I usually wasn’t so jumpy in the darkness even thought I was near the spot of a brutal murder. I rarely drank alcohol to calm my nerves. But I finished off the wine cooler to help me relax like I planned to do with Colt, and not just with the beer. The usual hoots of the owls and the water lightly lapping on the sand calmed me enough I continued walking, although I was still a bit shaky. I reached Colt who sat on top of one of the rocks, drinking from a flask, something I had never seen him do before.

  He watched me but didn’t say anything. I paused a few feet away, my fingers somewhat numb from the aluminum of the cold beer. This wasn’t going to be our normal get-together. It might just be the last time we spoke.

  “I brought a beer.” I lifted the can, a peace offering. I would drink it even though I didn’t like beer and my stomach was queasy from the wine coolers.

  He finished drinking from his flask and jumped down. “Did you end up fucking Ari on prom night?”

  I’d heard him say fuc
k before but never with such anger behind it. Sometimes when he whispered he wanted to fuck me, it would turn me on. The last time we were together before everything fell apart, I almost let him have me. I was ready for him being my first. But with everything that happened over the last month, I was glad I hadn’t gone through with it.

  “He’s just a friend like Marina.” I moved closer to him with the beer raised. “You’re jealous of Ari?”

  He snagged the beer and tossed it in the lake. He never passed up something free. Also, he didn’t go around throwing things when he was angry.

  “Why did you—hey!”

  He curled his fingers around my arm and thrust me toward the trees. “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe anything you say.” Some of his spit hit me in the cheek.

  “I’ve never lied to you. You can ask Ari if he—”

  He tightened his grip hard enough he hurt my bone.

  I yelped, but he took my other arm and shook me. “I trusted you, all these years and you… Fuck!” He slammed me into a rock and released me then folded his hands behind his head and kicked the sand.

  I rubbed my arms to take away the aches he left there. It wouldn’t erase the black and blues. I should have stopped him. But what could I do? I didn’t have his physical strength, so slapping or punching him wouldn’t do much damage. Plus, he was so angry. The aching in my arms lessened as a familiar chill flew up them, the type of cold that came when I was scared.

  His rage was new to me. I had never seen him act like this. Caution flashed before my eyes or rather—danger. Talking my way out wouldn’t do much here. Offering sympathy might, but he’d expect a certain type from me that involved getting naked. I’d rather jump in the lake and search for the beer than have sex with him.

  “You’re not angry with me because I might have had sex with Ari.”

  He stopped rocking on his heels and stared at me. His arms fell to his sides with his hands as fists. “What you don’t have in looks you make up for in brains. You got into Amherst, and I didn’t. You applied there and didn’t tell me and stole my spot.”