Jessica's Wish

by Marci Bolden

  Pushing himself up off the sofa, he opened the door and waited for Jessica and Mallory to come in. His first real smile all day faded when he realized that Jessica had hopped out of the car but Mallory’s door had remained closed.

  “Hey, Jess,” he said as she ran by him into the house.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  He looked back outside. Mallory backed out of the driveway, and his stomach clenched tight. Closing the door, he blew out his disappointment on a long breath and focused on locking the door. By the time he turned around, Jessica had toed off her shoes and was hanging up her coat.

  “Good dinner?”

  “Yeah.”

  She wasn’t chattering like she usually did. Normally he had to remind her to slow down and breathe. She was still giving him the cold shoulder.

  “Ready to talk to me yet?”

  She faced him, her face not quite angry but looking…fed up. Yeah, he kind of felt that way, too.

  “Mallory is still going to be my friend, but I don’t think she likes you very much right now.”

  He nearly laughed, mostly at Jessica’s presentation, not her words. “I’ll call her and tell her I’m sorry.”

  “Good.”

  “Jess,” he called when she started to leave. “You can be mad at me if you need to be, but don’t forget that I love you, and even if it doesn’t seem like it right now, I always do what I think is best for you.”

  She softened just enough that he knew she heard his words. “I love you, too, Daddy. And I am still mad at you because you hurt Mallory’s feelings.”

  He swallowed hard. “Did she say that?”

  “She didn’t have to. I might be a kid, but I know when someone’s feelings are hurt.”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I’ll call her and tell her that. You should get in the shower. You have school in the morning. I’ll come tuck you in when you’re ready.”

  She didn’t say anything else. Man, he’d really screwed this whole thing up.

  Sitting on the couch, ignoring his failed attempt at working, he considered what he should say as he gave Mallory time to drive home. The last thing he needed to do was distract her while she was driving.

  When he’d given her more than enough time to get home and settle in, he held his breath and connected the call. He deepened his frown with each passing ring. He’d finally accepted that she wasn’t going to pick up and was piecing together the voice mail he planned to leave when she answered.

  He stuttered, surprised to hear her voice. “Uh, hey. It’s Phil.”

  “Hey.” Her tone was just about as chilled as Jessica’s had been.

  “I just wanted to thank you for coming over and helping with Jess. I appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Um. So…” He stumbled again. Apologize, he demanded in his mind. But he said, “So how was she? Did she talk to you?”

  “Yeah, she did. I told her I’d take her to a movie this weekend. I know I should have asked first, but—”

  “No. It’s fine,” he said quickly. Too quickly. Damn, he was still sounding like an ass. “It’s great.”

  “Is the Saturday matinee okay?”

  “Yeah. Great.”

  “She had questions about the adoption,” Mallory said. “I thought you weren’t going to tell her until it was final.”

  “She overheard me talking. I didn’t know she knew until earlier.”

  “Well, maybe you should talk to her about it. She’s feeling a bit insecure about her place with Kara and Harry if they have a new baby.”

  “Yeah. I’ll do that. Thanks.”

  Silence lingered before she finally broke it. “Seeing her so upset, I get where you’re coming from. I agree that we need to be more careful of the impression we’re giving her.”

  He felt a huge sense of relief wash through him. “I’m glad you understand.”

  “I also understand that you’re using that as an excuse to not let me in. I hope you figure that out.”

  “Mallory, I—”

  “Tell her I’ll pick her up at noon Saturday,” she stated, cutting him off. “We don’t want to be late for the movie.”

  Before he could speak, he realized she’d ended the call. Tossing his phone onto the cushion beside him, he fell back and let out a long breath. Lucky whined and pawed at him. Phil chuckled as he realized the dog seemed to be the only one around not mad at him. Patting his head, he silently thanked the dog for not telling him he was a jerk. However, when he tried to scratch Lucky’s ears, the pup huffed and wobbled away.

  Plopping down on the bed Mallory had bought for him, even Lucky seemed to be giving Phil the stink eye. He checked his watch. Jessica had a fifteen-minute limit on the shower, mostly because if he didn’t remind her to get out, she’d stay in there until she used up all the hot water. He pushed himself up and knocked on the bathroom door.

  “Wrap it up, Punk.”

  “I’m out,” she called, surprising him.

  She opened the door, and he was even more surprised. Not only had she gotten through the shower in record time, but she was dressed and had her hair bundled up in a towel and toothpaste bubbles at the corners of her mouth. He used his thumb to wipe them away.

  “That was quick,” he pointed out.

  “I want to draw a picture for Mallory before bed.”

  Of course she did.

  “I’m going to surprise her.”

  “She’ll like that.” He followed her to her room, but she turned and stared at him.

  “I don’t need to be tucked in tonight, Daddy. I can do it.”

  “Sure you can,” he said, wondering if she saw through his fake smile. He held his hand out. “I’ll take that towel.”

  She yanked the terry cloth off her hair and handed it to him.

  “Brush your hair—”

  “I know.”

  “Lights out in half an hour, okay?”

  She dropped her shoulders dramatically. “It’s Friday.”

  “Forty-five minutes,” he conceded.

  Her smile returned. “Thanks.”

  Closing her bedroom door behind him, Phil made a mental note of the time so he’d remember to check that she actually did go to bed when she was supposed to. Returning to the living room, he looked around the empty space. A few months ago, he would have loved having some peace and quiet. He’d always cherished his downtime. Being a single parent, he didn’t seem to get enough of that.

  Now, however, the room was too quiet. Too empty.

  He was tempted to call Mallory back, to try to explain once again that he was trying to do the right thing. Unfortunately, he was having a hard time believing that himself right now.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Mallory hated how her stomach turned into a ball of knots every time she pulled up to Phil’s house. She wanted to be mature about this situation, but almost a week after he’d dumped her, seeing him still made her want to wrap her hands around his throat and choke him. Then bang his head against the wall.

  Then kiss his pain away.

  Avoiding him was definitely easier. When she’d picked Jessica up for their movie date, she’d sent Phil a text asking him to send Jess out. From the moment the girl got in the car, she hadn’t stopped talking about how Lucky had gotten his cast off and how Mallory just had to see how much better he was doing.

  “You’re coming in, right?” Jessica asked hopefully. “To see Lucky.”

  Mallory cursed in her mind even as she forced a smile. “Sure thing.” As she turned off the ignition, the knots in her stomach rolled again, making her feel queasy. She couldn’t duck and cover every time Phil was around, and if she was as committed to Jessica as she kept insisting that she was, she was going to have to learn to deal with seeing him. Sooner was definitely better than later.

  If only she could stop her hands from trembling as she pulled her keys free and released her seat belt. Jessica ran ahead of her and opened the door, yelling out to her dad that she was h
ome. When Mallory stepped into the house, her uneasiness faded at the image of Jessica with her arms wrapped around Lucky in a bear hug. The dog was sucking up her affections, cementing the notion that the pair had become the best of friends.

  “Hey, buddy,” Mallory cooed when Jessica released Lucky. “Look at you.” Bending down, she scratched his fluffy black ears as his eyes danced and he panted with excitement.

  “Look, Mal. No cast.” Jessica pointed.

  “Nice. I bet that feels so much better, huh?” She patted his head and stood upright when she sensed Phil’s presence in the room. Her gaze immediately met his, and that knotted-up stomach sensation returned right along with all the other urges. She forced her attention back to Lucky. “How’s he getting around?”

  “He has a little bit of a limp, but the vet said he should work that out once he gets some muscle tone back.”

  “Good.”

  “How was the movie?”

  Jessica bounced up. “You would have loved it, Daddy. Ironman is so funny. Hey, Mal, wanna see my new drawings? I’m going to make a comic book for Super Punk and Lucky.”

  Mallory chuckled a little at Jessica’s ability to run so many words together without seeming to need a breath. “Yeah, let me see.” She grabbed Jessica’s outstretched hand and followed her to her room, intentionally avoiding Phil’s eyes as she passed him.

  Dropping onto Jessica’s bed, she admired page after page of Super Punk adventures while Jess told her the story. She offered a few tips, ideas that made Jessica’s eyes light up and smile widen.

  “Can we do that now?” Jessica asked when Mallory suggested she add a few more pictures. “Will you help me?”

  Mallory wanted to, she really did, but the weight of knowing Phil was just down the hall made her increasingly uncomfortable. “Tell you what, let’s plan an art day. A whole day just drawing and painting.”

  “Grandma has a studio. Can we do it at Grandma’s studio?”

  Ugh. Kara would probably try to corner Mallory to get details that Phil likely hadn’t been willing to give. But the excitement in Jessica’s eyes drowned out the dread in Mallory’s gut. “Yeah. If she says it’s okay.”

  “She will. She’ll love it. Let’s call her.”

  “Whoa, slow down, Speed Racer,” Mallory teased. “I need to see when I can do it.”

  “Tomorrow?”

  “How about next weekend? I’m sure your dad wants to hang out with you without me some this weekend, too.”

  Jessica didn’t exactly frown, but her face definitely dimmed. “You’re more fun.”

  Mallory teasingly tapped Jessica’s nose. “Dad’s fun, too. Maybe you just need to help him come up with cool ideas.”

  “I miss having you here,” Jessica said.

  “I know, Punk, but we had a good time today, didn’t we?”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “I know.”

  She did frown then, and she lifted sad eyes to Mallory. “Do I have to wait until next weekend to see you? Can you pick me up from school one day?”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Whenever Daddy says ‘we’ll see,’ he really means no.”

  “Jessica, do you think you could do me a favor? Do you think you could try to be patient while Daddy and I figure out some things? I know it’s hard to understand. Grown-up problems always are.”

  Jessica scowled and grumbled. “He shouldn’t have made you leave.”

  “Hey, your dad’s number-one job is taking care of you. Even when it feels like he isn’t, he is, Jessica.”

  “How is not being your friend anymore him taking care of me?”

  “We’re still friends.”

  “You’re mad at him.”

  Mallory grinned. She couldn’t deny that. “Haven’t you ever gotten mad at your friends?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “But when you’re done being mad, you’re still friends, right?”

  Jessica nodded, but the pout on her face didn’t ease up the slightest.

  “Let’s make a deal. I’ll do my best not to be mad anymore, and you be patient and let this all work out. I’ll talk to your grandma about next weekend, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Mallory kissed the top of Jessica’s head before leaving her alone. She wanted to head right out the door, but her cold shoulder wasn’t doing anyone any good. Stepping around the couch, she waited for him to lift his gaze from his laptop to look at her. “Is it okay if Jess and I hang out next weekend? She wants to do some art projects with Kara and me.”

  He stared at her with wide eyes. “Uhh…”

  Rage instantly filled her veins. If this jerk didn’t stop going from hot to cold and yes to no without warning, she really was going to strangle him. “You said I could spend time with her.”

  He flinched at the venom in her tone. Even she was taken aback by the bite in her words. She knew her anger at him ran deep, but in her determination to avoid him, she’d also spent far too much time replaying his rejection over and over, letting it seep into her core. Of course she was going to take that out on him the first chance she got.

  “No. Yeah. I mean…” he stuttered. “Yes, you can. Just…you and my mom? Hanging out? Are you sure you’re up for that?”

  Oh, right. His mom. Maybe she’d overreacted. A little.

  Letting out a breath, she clarified with far less edge to her tone, “Of course. We’ll be hanging with Jessica.”

  “Uh, sure.”

  “I’ll reach out to Kara to finalize plans.”

  “Thank you.”

  She started for the door, but he jumped up, grabbing her arm. Her heart flipped and flopped, and she immediately looked at the hallway. There was no sign of Jessica.

  “Can I walk you out?” he asked, his eyes conveying that he wanted a lot more than just to make sure she arrived safely at her car.

  She wanted to tell him no, but they still had things to work out. Ways that this entire situation needed to smooth out before they both caused Jess more pain than they had already. “Sure.” She did make a point to pull her arm from him, though. He didn’t need to get handsy with her.

  Outside, he stuffed his hands in his pockets as they walked toward her car. “I know I screwed up. I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t need an apology.”

  “You sure?” he asked lightly. “Because you still seem pretty pissed.”

  “I am. I’m very pissed.”

  “Jessica says I hurt your feelings.”

  Stopping at her car, she turned and glared at him. “You really need an eleven-year-old to explain that to you?”

  “I didn’t mean to.”

  “If you weren’t committed to me and a future with me, you shouldn’t have slept with me. That was a serious college-guy asshole move, Phil.”

  “I didn’t…” Lowering his face, he at least had the decency to look ashamed. “That wasn’t my intention, Mallory. I’m sorry.” Lifting his gaze to hers, he looked at her with distressed eyes. “It was not my intention to make you feel used.”

  Anger rolled through her. “The only reason I feel used is because I was. At least have the courage to admit it.”

  He lowered his face again. “The other day, at the attorney’s office, I was holding Mira while Mom talked about all the ways the baby’s life was going to be better once we got things settled, and I swear, Mallory, it was like when Katrina left all over again. I was there, holding the baby, while Mom settled the legalities of her custody. There we were again, just like all those years ago, dealing with the fallout of a mother walking away. Jessica is still dealing with the fallout. I can’t let her face that again.”

  Mallory felt like a knife was twisting in her heart yet again. “Are you comparing me to Katrina?”

  His gaze shot to hers. “No. God, no. I’m just saying… I don’t know what I’m saying.”

  Crossing her arms, she stared at him. “Look, I get that you want to protect her, Phil. She’s had a tough life. She misses a mother s
he doesn’t even know. She got the short end, and you want to make sure that doesn’t happen again. I get that. I do. But I would never just walk out on her. If you don’t know that by now—”

  “I do know that.”

  “So then you did use me?”

  “No. I just…we went too fast. That’s all.”

  She looked out over the neighborhood, not really seeing the small houses and muddy spring yards. The rain and sunny weather seemed to be fighting an uphill battle. No matter how much the grass was watered and the sun shone, the yards remained dull from the cold of winter. Colors seemed to elude the scenery. Everything was dreary.

  How fucking fitting.

  “You know, when we first started…whatever this mess is…your back-and-forth was charming. I thought it was cute how you obviously wanted to be with me but seemed to be holding back because you have this whole Super Dad thing going. Guess what. It’s not so cute anymore. You’ve been toying with my emotions—you had sex with me and whispered all kinds of sweet nothings—with no intention of going forward. You have been manipulating me long enough.”

  A look, something akin to panic, filled his eyes. “That’s not what I’ve been doing.”

  “Really?”

  “Mallory.”

  “Your little game of mixed signals is one I’m not interested in playing.”

  “I wasn’t playing with you. I—I—”

  “What?” Narrowing her eyes, she dared him to continue.

  “I just…”

  Putting her hands to his face, she forced him to look at her. That was a mistake. She instantly wanted to break down and cry the moment she breached the icy barrier she’d put between them. His eyes seemed to reflect the same pain she’d been trying to sort through.

  “You’re scared,” she whispered. “That’s okay because I’m scared, too. I’ve been abandoned, too. I’ve had my heart broken, too. But you can’t hide behind your daughter for the rest of your life. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to her, and it sure as hell isn’t fair to me. There is something here. Between us. You cannot deny that.”