Jessica's Wish

by Marci Bolden

  Phil’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. Then he whispered, “I have to put Jessica first, Mal.”

  She dropped her hands as her heart hardened and her rage reignited. “Screw you if you think I’m not putting Jessica first.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “The only person here hurting Jessica is you.”

  “Go to hell,” he breathed.

  “You go to hell. And take your damned mommy issues with you.”

  He called her name, but she ignored him. She climbed into her car, slammed the door shut, and backed out without casting him another glance.

  Phil rolled his head back as, once again, his call to Mallory went to voice mail. This time he left a message, tired of calling just to be ignored.

  “I don’t want to have to apologize to your voice mail, but you aren’t leaving me much choice. Look, Mal. I know I’m messed up. I never tried to pretend I wasn’t. But I never tried to hurt you, either. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give you mixed signals. I like you. I do. We have a lot of fun together. More fun than I think I’ve ever had. Maybe that’s the problem,” he added quietly. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how to be most of the time. I just know that…we all seem to be hurting right now and it’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

  He debated whether he should say more, offer a way to fix it. But he didn’t know how to fix it. So he hung up.

  He’d spent so much of his life blaming his mom for everything. His dad was right about that. Nobody even seemed surprised when he dragged Kara through the mud. It wasn’t intentional. Old habits, he guessed. But he couldn’t blame her for this, no matter how he tried to twist things around.

  Harry was right. Kara was right. Mallory was right.

  Phil had issues, and until he figured them out, he was the one causing damage to everyone around him.

  He needed to hash this out with someone, but a crazy reality hit him as he ran down the list of people he knew. Other than the guys at work, the moms in Jessica’s gymnastics class, and his parents, he didn’t really have anyone to talk to.

  He’d been in Stonehill for a few years now. Long enough to buy a house, long enough to make sure Jessica made some friends and got involved in some activities, and definitely long enough that he should have someone to call to share his troubles with. But he couldn’t think of a single person. Except one.

  Tapping the screen on his phone, he texted the only person he knew he could count on to help him sort all this out. His freaking mother.

  Did Dad tell you I screwed things up with Mallory?

  She must have had her phone in her hand or close to it, because she called him almost immediately. “You know I hate typing on that little screen.”

  He smiled. “If you’d wear your reading glasses, you could see better.”

  “Are you okay?”

  The rock that he’d been trying to deny was sitting in his stomach seemed to grow. “I don’t know, Mom.”

  “I’m coming over.”

  He didn’t try to stop her. He didn’t try to talk her out of it. For some stupid reason he couldn’t explain, he’d been hoping she’d say that. He simply sat there, waiting for her like that time when he got sent to the principal’s office for correcting the science teacher. The man had completely miscategorized a chambered nautilus as a shellfish instead of as a cephalopod. He was wrong. Phil corrected him. And, in true Phil fashion, had pressed his point until he was sent to the office.

  Though his mom likely didn’t know if Phil was right or not, she had taken his side and even proven his point by making the principal do the research right in front of them. When the principal had to admit that Phil was right and the teacher was wrong, she had pointed out that Phil spent an entire summer on a boat learning about marine life. Of course he was right.

  That wasn’t the point, the man had said. The point was, Phil shouldn’t correct teachers as a matter of respect. Kara had wanted to pull Phil from the school right then—she hated that he was being told to bow to authority without question—but Phil had backed down and promised to never correct a teacher again.

  His mother had been livid but had honored his request that she let him stay in public school.

  Even now, he had to smile at how distressed she’d been about him dumbing himself down to fit social expectations. Back then, he’d thought she was overreacting to the entire situation, but now, as a parent, he could understand that she hadn’t wanted the school system to hold him back. He had those fights on behalf of his daughter on a regular basis. The school system didn’t seem to understand that her disability might have held her back in some ways, but she was smart and capable. They just needed to give her the chance.

  At the sound of Lucky barking, his way of announcing company, Phil got up and let his mom in just as Jessica, hair dripping wet, rounded the corner. Her face lit up as she called out to her grandma. Phil had to admit to feeling a little pang of jealousy. Jess had been cool to him for two days now. He missed her enthusiastic hugs.

  “Hey, Punk.” Kara swooped her up and kissed her head.

  “Are you here to tuck me in?” Jess asked.

  “Of course. Go finish getting ready. I’ll be there in a minute.” Kara turned to Phil after Jess darted off. “Your father’s right. You do look like hell.”

  “So do you. Where’s Mira?”

  She grinned. “I left her screaming in Harry’s arms as he looked on with fear.”

  Phil chuckled at the image of his father holding a fitful Mira. There seemed to be only one person in the world who could calm that baby. And she was standing in Phil’s living room. “You left a crying baby?”

  Stroking his cheek, she offered him a sarcastically sweet smile. “Only because baby number one needs me.”

  “You got that from a thirty-second phone call?”

  “I got that from Harry telling me about your conversation the other morning.”

  “Nothing is sacred.”

  She winked before disappearing down the hall to get Jessica settled in. She returned a few minutes later and dropped onto his couch, one leg curled beneath her so she could face him. Taking his hand, she smiled, but sadness shadowed her tired eyes. “Mallory isn’t Katrina, Phil.”

  Wow. Right to the heart of it. “I didn’t say—”

  “Sweetheart,” she said without an ounce of maternal affection. “I’ve been with you every step of the way since Jessica was born. I was with you when your wife left. I saw how deeply that cut you.”

  “Not because of me, Mom. I hurt for Jess.”

  “I get that. I hurt for you your entire childhood. I knew how much you needed a father that I couldn’t give to you. And it wasn’t because there weren’t options. I’ve met a lot of good men in my life, men who would have been wonderful father figures for you, but I was too scared of watching someone else walk out on us.”

  “Mom, it’s not the same.”

  “It’s exactly the same. Katrina left. Why would anyone else stay? You think I didn’t ask myself that very question a million times when you were growing up? If your father could leave, why would anyone else stay?”

  He shook his head. “It’s not the same. This isn’t about me.”

  “Okay,” she conceded. “Then what is it?”

  “I just don’t want us to get close and then break up and Jessica to lose out on something she was counting on.”

  “That’s a realistic fear.”

  “Thank you,” he stated with the sarcasm she’d so deeply ingrained in him.

  “But it isn’t fair to Jessica or you. Or Mallory, for that matter. Has she done something to make you think she intends to leave?”

  Phil sighed. “No.”

  “So maybe it is about you, hmm? Not all relationships work, Phil.”

  “Dad already gave me this lecture.”

  “But did you listen?” She tugged his hand gently. “I know you. You’ve picked this thing apart a hundred times in your head. Tell me what you’re worried about
.”

  He had indeed overanalyzed every bit of his relationship with Mallory. Sitting back, thinking over all the pieces, he picked one he hadn’t voiced yet. “Mallory is so young.”

  “So are you.”

  “She’s never had the responsibilities I’ve had.”

  “You’re more mature? Is that what you’re saying?”

  He shook his head. “I’m just saying, maybe she thinks she’s ready for a relationship with a man and his preteen daughter, but does she really know what that entails?”

  Kara smiled. “Considering how much time she’s been spending with you guys, I think she does. And before you bring up Jessica’s disability, consider that Mallory has been learning to handle Annie’s condition for a while now. She’s not as inexperienced as you think.” Squeezing his hands, she waited for him to meet her gaze. “Listen to me and hear what I am telling you. Jessica isn’t the only one who has a hole in her life. You do, too. I see it when I look into your eyes, Phil. It’s the same hollow reflection I had for so long. You’ve built your life around your daughter, which is admirable, but you need more. You deserve more. So does Jessica. If Mallory isn’t the one for you, that’s fine, but don’t keep hiding yourself behind this wall.”

  He rested his elbows on his knees and looked at Lucky asleep on the big bed Mallory had bought for him. Memories of the day they found the mutt flooded him. Mallory had been so protective of Jessica, clearly willing to put herself between Jess and Lucky if the dog had turned out to be mean. She’d reassured Jessica over and over as they waited for the vet to give them news on Lucky’s condition. Other than him and Kara, Mallory had probably been the only other person to so easily console his daughter. She was a natural with Jessica. And she was genuine.

  “I just don’t want to count on her and then have her change her mind,” he admitted. “What if she changes her mind, Mom?”

  She stroked his back. “Honey, we can’t control other people. We can’t predict what they’d do in the future. We also can’t live our lives based on what someone else may or may not do. You have to take a chance on someone sometime. Otherwise, sweetheart, you’re never going to love anyone. And how sad of a life would that be for you and for your daughter?”

  Phil sank back and frowned, taking a moment to imagine his life as it had been—pre-Mallory. Did he really want to go the rest of life spending his evenings without her? Without her laughter. And did he want that for Jessica? He couldn’t remember the last time she had been so happy. Yes, they had a full life, a happy life, but not like it had been the last few months.

  Mallory brought something to the table that he hadn’t. That element of fun, the spontaneity that his mother had given to him during his childhood. As much as he’d resented not having the stability he was trying to give to Jessica, he had to admit he’d grown up with adventure. He had amazing memories of his childhood, memories of going places and trying new things. What would Jessica remember? What would he remember of his life when he got older?

  Without Mallory, it all seemed so drab. So boring.

  Damn it. His mom was right. He hated when his mother was right.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Mallory hadn’t laughed as much as she had sitting in Kara’s studio since…well, since Phil had done his about-face and destroyed the fun they’d found in each other. When she’d arrived at Kara’s house, Mallory had been on the defensive, waiting for Kara to pry into the real reason that she and Phil were on the outs. She didn’t assume that Phil would have filled her in, but maybe Jessica had.

  Her fears were unfounded, it seemed. While Kara had given her a few sympathetic looks when Jessica brought Phil up, she hadn’t pried like Mal had expected. She appreciated the respect of her privacy and was thankful the three of them could simply be together and have a good time.

  They’d spent the last hour taking turns painting images of each other, each one getting sillier and sillier. It was Jessica’s turn. She flipped her picture around, showing her “portrait” of Mallory, which was really a woman with big rainbow hair riding a unicorn through the sky. The three of them burst into another fit of laughter.

  Mallory had no idea where she was going to hang all these paintings, but she was determined to display them all somewhere in her home. She might even take Rainbow Mallory to her office and hang it on her wall.

  “I want to paint Grandma now,” Jess said, not even waiting for anyone to agree that she got another turn. She just tore off the painting she’d been doing and started another one.

  “Thank you,” Kara said to Mallory as Jessica focused on rinsing her brushes.

  Uh-oh. Had her luck run out? “For?” she asked tentatively.

  “For today. I really needed a distraction.”

  Mallory offered her a sweet smile, feeling guilty for expecting the worst from Kara. “How’s the adoption going?”

  “Good. Everything should be finalized soon.”

  “Has she…Lynn… Have you seen her?”

  “Nope.” She glanced at Mallory, and her eyes turned sad. “Wherever she is, whatever she’s doing, I hope she finds peace in it. And never looks back. I hate to say that, but…”

  “But sometimes kids are better off without blood relatives holding them back,” Mallory finished.

  “Yeah. Sometimes.”

  “How’s Mira?”

  Kara’s smile was one of pure love. “She’s getting better. We’re getting her settled into a real schedule, and a lot of the tension surrounding her has eased. That’s important. Kids pick up on the stress around them.”

  Mallory didn’t think that was a jab at her and Phil, but she couldn’t help but feel it. “Phil and I are working around our issues. Just so you know.”

  “I know.” Kara put her hand on Mallory’s, giving it a motherly squeeze. “Honey, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on. I have eyes and ears and a granddaughter who tells me everything. Just keep her best interests at heart. Phil will figure his own problems out in his own time.”

  Mallory nodded, deciding not to tell Kara that she had no intention of sitting around waiting for Phil to sort out his demons. His issues had hurt her enough. He could figure them out with someone else.

  Jessica’s giggles drew their attention. She was attacking the canvas with a paintbrush and an air of hijinks that undoubtedly would lead to another round of laughs.

  “That sounds absolutely mischievous,” Kara said. “Let me see.”

  Jessica laughed again. “No! It’s not done yet.” Sticking her tongue out in a show of concentration, she made several more swipes with her brush, giggled, and eyed her grandmother. “Are you ready?”

  Before she shared her painting with them, Harry came rushing into the room. The raw panic on his face made Mallory’s heart drop.

  “Kara,” he said. “Mira’s burning up.”

  Kara jumped from her stool, running toward the living room with Harry right behind her.

  “What’s wrong?” Jessica asked Mallory, her eyes wide and all her happiness drained.

  “I don’t know.” Standing, Mal held her hand out. With Jessica’s fingers entangled around hers, they walked quickly, but didn’t run like Kara and Harry had, toward the living room.

  “She was quiet for too long,” Harry was explaining as Kara fussed over the crib that had become a permanent fixture in the living room. “She’s never been quiet that long.”

  “It’s okay,” Kara said, soothing her husband, but her voice wasn’t convincing. “Get me cold rags.”

  “I’ll get them,” Mallory offered. “Come on, Punk. Show me where the washrags are.”

  “Grab the thermometer, too,” Kara called after them.

  “What’s wrong with Mira?” Jessica asked, her voice quivering as she led Mallory to the bathroom.

  “Sounds like she just has a little fever,” Mallory said. “She’ll be okay. Grandma will know what to do.” Even as she tried to reassure Jessica, her heart continued to race with anxiety. Kara sounded worried. If Kara,
a midwife, sounded worried, then maybe there was more going on than just a fever.

  Jessica opened a drawer. Mallory pulled out several rags, running them under cold water and squeezing out the excess, while Jessica got a battery-operated thermometer from the medicine cabinet. “Let’s take these to Grandma.”

  The sense of dread in Mallory’s stomach grew as they closed in on the living room, where the only sounds were Harry and Kara sounding upset as they discussed Mira’s condition. Harry was right in saying that Mira was never quiet for long, especially when Kara wasn’t in the room. The baby seemed to need Kara’s soothing spirit near her at all times. Kara was pressing her hands all over, as if assessing her.

  Something was definitely wrong.

  While Kara pressed a cold rag to Mira’s forehead, she held the thermometer under the baby’s arm. When it beeped, she looked at Harry, her eyes wide. “She’s too hot. We’re going to the ER.”

  “Oh, no,” Jessica gasped.

  Mallory hugged her close. “Do you want me to drive?”

  “Please,” Harry said.

  She followed him and Kara through the kitchen and to the garage. Harry handed Mal his keys while Kara secured Mira in her car seat. Again, the silence was unsettling. Other than Kara whispering encouraging words to Mira while Jessica sniffled, the car was silent until Mallory pulled up to the emergency room doors.

  “Call Phil,” Harry ordered as Kara released the buckles holding Mira in. “Have him call the attorney. Someone needs to find Lynn. We can’t make decisions about Mira’s care yet.”

  “Stay with me, Punk,” Mallory ordered. “I gotta park before we go in.” She pulled Harry’s car into the nearest vacant spot and, hands trembling, pulled out the keys. She and Jessica climbed out and met at the back of the car. By the time they reached the reception area, Kara and Harry were being ushered back. Mallory held her breath and swallowed. She probably would have stood frozen, terrified, if Jessica hadn’t sniffled beside her.