Silence

by J. E. Taylor

  I turned back to her and smacked Eric lightly on the arm. “You never told me you were engaged,” I’m not sure how I pulled off the smile. “Let me see that ring,” I said, meeting her gaze and she beamed, extending her hand to me.

  He blanched but the polite smile remained on his lips.

  “It’s beautiful. When did he ask you?”

  “On Halloween,” she said, grinning.

  Two weeks ago. I thought I might get sick.

  “How’d he ask?” I said, leaning forward and sugar coating my tone like I was truly interested. The poor girl was clueless, and she rattled on about a candlelight dinner and a sunset proposal, and I almost asked if she tied him up afterwards. But I beamed in all the right places until the lights dimmed.

  The darkness masked my stewing fury. Everything he said was bullshit. Everything. I glanced at his friend, wondering if he was cut from the same cloth. Either way, I was going to play this as fully and as deeply as I could, until I drew blood.

  I let Sam pull me close and I even let him catch a kiss during one of the slow songs.

  Eric’s hand touched the side of my thigh and I ignored him.

  When Sarah got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sam if he wouldn’t mind grabbing me a soda. He went off just as happy and clueless as she did and the minute they were out of sight, I cast a deadly glare.

  “If you touch me again, I’m going to break your hand.”

  “I can explain...”

  “What can you possibly explain? You’re a lying, cheating bastard?”

  “Stop hanging all over him,” he said nodding his chin to the empty seat.

  “Jealous?”

  His jaw clenched and his hands curled into fists. “You’re killing me.”

  “Yeah, well, you fucking destroyed me, so I don’t give a shit what this is doing to you.”

  Pain flared in his eyes and he looked away.

  “You obviously made the choice, but you just didn’t have the guts to tell me. So I’ll just add coward to the list.”

  I glanced over my shoulder and my gaze landed on Sam climbing down the stairs.

  “You didn’t even have the guts to tell your best friend the truth.” I met his gaze before turning and putting on my game face. Whatever was left of me when I walked into the venue had been destroyed by the sight of that ring.

  The death of hope.

  Ironically, I had experienced this before, and I danced with the darkness as I let the walls close down.

  Silence Chapter 21

  The house was quiet on Saturday after Thanksgiving. My sister was at a sleep-over, and my parents had gone out with friends. My brother was just hanging out until later when he was meeting friends at a club.

  The doorbell rang and we looked at each other. I got to my feet and went to the door, opening it without looking. The progression of the door stopped when I stared into his eyes.

  “Can I come in?”

  Eric looked like hell. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair wasn’t immaculate like usual. The same could be said about his beard. It was uncharacteristically scruffy.

  I had been out with Sam a few times. He was nice, but his kiss didn’t set me on fire, and his manners were genuine, not used to worm his way into someone’s good graces like the man standing before me.

  I was hesitant, because I knew the moment he touched me, hope would spark again. That damned light always did me in.

  “Who is it?” Dave said as he rounded the corner.

  “A friend,” I said in a way that left a sour taste in my mouth.

  “Oh. Okay.” My brother wandered back into the family room. He had been away at college for this whole experience, so he didn’t know just how badly this guy hurt me. If he had known, I think he would have taken a swing or two or ten.

  I opened the door against every bit of common sense.

  “Are your folks here?” he asked, his eyes darting around.

  “No. It’s just me and my brother.”

  He seemed to exhale and his gaze dropped to mine. “I miss you.”

  Damn him. Those three words smashed through the barrier and the pain flared in the center of my chest. I stepped away before his hand could connect with my cheek in that endearing manner, and his fingers curled loosely before his hand dropped.

  “Can we talk?” he nodded toward the upstairs den where we sometimes hung out.

  “Dave, we’re going upstairs to the den.” I wanted my brother to know where we were and I prayed he didn’t just leave when he was supposed to. I didn’t want to be alone with Eric, not with the underlying desperation painted in his eyes.

  “Okay!” he called from the other room.

  I climbed the stairs, aware that I had only a skirt on, from my day at the mall with Brooke. It happened to be the one I wore that first time on the office floor, and I don’t think it was lost on Eric.

  He sat in the middle of the couch and stared at the floor. Either side would put me within arm’s reach. He pulled a joint out of his pocket and raised an eyebrow. I bit my lip.

  “Only if my brother can join us.”

  He broke out in a stiff smile, and nodded. “Okay.”

  I leaned over the stair railing. “Hey, Dave, you want to get high?”

  I waited until he showed up at the bottom of the stairs.

  “What did you just say?”

  “Want to get high with us?”

  His grin clinched it and he bounded up the stairs. We opened the windows and lit up the joint. Dave wasn’t one for conversation, and the small talk was awkward and stilted between the two. When the joint was finished, Dave glanced at his watch.

  “I’m heading out. Just make sure he’s out of here before Mom and Dad come home, okay?”

  “Sure,” I said, feeling giddy. We closed the windows and I watched my brother pull out of the driveway before I turned to Eric and his bloodshot eyes.

  “I missed you,” he said and reached for me.

  “You hurt me,” I said and burst out laughing. I knew being high would help manage the pain and I was right.

  A grin formed.

  “You asked her to marry you while we were...” I couldn’t finish, not with the anger blasting through my buzz.

  “I told you it was complicated. I never lied to you.”

  I laughed but this time it wasn’t that of the stoned girl, it was full of sarcasm. “Oh, no. You just omitted a big ass fact, and seduced the pants off of me for shits and giggles.”

  “I haven’t slept since the concert.”

  “Good.” I stood to leave the room and his hand grabbed mine.

  “I need you.”

  “Bullshit.”

  His eyes rolled and he stood. “I love you.” His hand cupped my cheek and there was that damn flare of hope.

  “But you didn’t choose me.”

  He slowly sat down.

  I turned and left the room, retrieving a couple of sodas before I went back upstairs. I don’t know if it was the drugs or just the hurt flaring, but I wondered if I had slept with him, would he have actually asked her to marry him.

  I made a pit stop, still wondering if that one tiny thing would make the difference. And clinging to that sliver of hope, I left my underwear on the bathroom floor.

  When I stepped back into the room, his head was in his hands. He slowly looked up through eyelashes coated with tears. I set the sodas down and crossed straddling his feet. I knew I was opening myself up for more hurt, but the drugs brought out the part of me that needed him.

  “Do you love her?” I asked and his gaze met mine before it bounced around the room. When it landed back on mine he shrugged.

  “I honestly don’t know.”

  I wanted to ask him why the fuck he committed to a lifetime with someone he didn’t know he loved. Instead, “Do you love me,” tumbled from my lips.

  His bewildered expression softened and he nodded without breaking eye contact. The fool I was, believed him. His hand traveled from my knee to the insid
e of my thigh and I grabbed his wrist, pulling his hand away with a warning in my glare.

  “I promise. I’ll stop whenever you want me to stop.”

  My grip loosened as he sat up tall on the edge of the sofa. My head was almost in line with his and his lips gently brushed mine. Every bit of anger and resolve exploded in a puff of smoke. His tongue danced with mine as his fingers traveled down the buttons of my shirt. His hands slid under the fabric of my bra, caressing before he pushed the padding aside and sucked my nipple.

  My hands ran through his thick hair and my breath hitched at the emptiness filling me. I missed this so completely, his touch set me on fire and as much as I clung to the numbness, I preferred the feeling of blood sizzling in my skin. The way he consumed me was frightening.

  His hand found that familiar path and when it reached where my underwear should have been, he pulled away from my chest, his eyes widened as his fingers played the cherished tune. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back with a sigh. His lips crushed mine and he pulled me into his arms, shifting so my back was on the soft cushions of the couch.

  He didn’t ask, he just moved between my legs like it was the most natural thing in the world and I let go. He brought me to that sweet bliss more than once and hot tears stung my eyes at how much my body took to his touch.

  It wasn’t until I heard a zipper that my gaze jumped to his. I shook my head, but the madness in his eyes told me he was too far gone.

  “No,” I said and my palm landed on his chest, trying to keep him at bay, but I wasn’t strong enough and he ignored my verbal warning. I tried to scoot back, but I was already wedged in the corner and there was nowhere for me to go.

  “No, no, no,” I repeated each syllable louder than the prior one and it continued even as he breached me with a single hip thrust.

  His shudder immediately followed and he collapsed on me with a groan, bending my wrist under him. It was over as soon as it started and the physical agony in my wrist was welcomed because it seemed to dull the mental anguish. I stared at the ceiling trying to reconcile the storm in my head and my heart. When he propped himself up, he had the audacity to say. “I haven’t done that since I was seventeen.”

  I stared at him. “I am seventeen.” My voice held none of the storm winds swirling inside.

  He pulled away from me and zipped up. I didn’t wait, I made a beeline to the bathroom, slamming the door as the emotions pounded down on me.

  He broke his promise.

  He didn’t stop and my throat closed not allowing me to draw a breath. I took a seat on the toilet as silent tears burned the back of my throat and I wiped away the evidence, sickened by the stickiness and the scent of semen.

  I yanked on my underwear and wiped my face before crossing back into the room.

  His horrified eyes met mine.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said and I just stared at him, unable to cope with the final betrayal. “I didn’t want your first time to be like that.”

  “Like what?” The sharpness in my tone snapped his gaze to mine.

  “So quick,” he flinched and his gaze dropped. He thought his premature ejaculation was the problem, not that he fucked me even when I was saying no.

  I just nodded. “I think you’d better go.” I stepped closer to reach for my soda and came within his reach. He pulled me to him and buried his face in my chest, clinging to me as he shook.

  “I’m sorry,” he kept repeating. I finally ran my hand through his hair and then pushed him away.

  “You need to leave.” My tone was more forceful this time. The fact he had no clue of what he’d just done burned more than everything else. I walked him to the door and held it open. When he reached for me, I stepped out of his reach. “Don’t come back.”

  His expression slowly fell and he turned, leaving with his shoulders hunched like I had defeated him somehow. I closed the door and slid to the ground, letting everything flow. Tears choked me and I finally crawled upstairs to my bed before my parents returned. I couldn’t let them see me like this.

  The phone rang and I rolled, staring at it before rolling away. When it didn’t stop, I finally picked it up. “Don’t ever call me again,” I said, the words choking between the sobs.

  “But...” he tried to argue but I wasn’t in the frame of mind to hear any excuse. Not when he’d so callously crushed me. I hung up the phone.

  Silence Chapter 22

  Shut down. The ability to turn off and just go through the motions of daily life took over. At school, at work and at home, it was all automatic.

  Even the day we all found out Corey had murdered his girlfriend didn’t trigger any emotion. I knew on some level I should be horrified by her death, by his actions, by the loss of not one, but two of our little band of friends, but all I could summon was envy for the girl. At least she was at peace.

  Sam continued to call and we dated, but I avoided any events where there might be a possibility of running into Eric. The only one where we were both in the same place was New Year’s. Eric kept his distance and I ignored the fact he was in the same house.

  I had no emotional attachment to Sam, but I knew it burned Eric that I still went out with his friend, so I let it continue. Whenever Sam leaned in for a kiss, I flinched, but I didn’t stop him and he never tried anything else beyond an innocent kiss.

  In mid-January, Sam and I sat in his truck at the theater and he stared out the window, not making a move to head inside. The line hadn’t started moving yet anyway and he dropped his gaze to his hands and sighed.

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  “No. Why?”

  “Ever since Thanksgiving, you’ve been...” He trailed off, staring as the line of patrons started moving. But he made no move to get out of the car. “Different.”

  “Eric never told you about us, did he?” I asked, staring him down in a way that made it clear, bullshit wouldn’t work.

  “He said you were friends.” A line of confusion surfaced between his eyes, and it got deeper when I laughed.

  “Friends. That’s really good,” I said, turning away. “I didn’t know he had a girlfriend until the week of the concert. And I certainly didn’t know he decided to ask her to marry him while he was fooling around with me.” The sting of the words started and I reached for that wall, shoring it up before I turned to Sam. “I told him to fuck off at the concert when you went to get me a soda. But I guess that wasn’t good enough for him.”

  Sam’s mouth hung open and his eyelids blinked rapidly.

  “Besides crushing my heart so completely that I no longer trust anyone, I guess he couldn’t just walk away from a virgin. He didn’t seem to understand the word no.”

  His mouth popped closed at my last statement and his eyes transitioned into a flare of anger. “He...” Sam stopped and closed his eyes, slowly uncurling his fists. “Did he...”

  “I said no, he didn’t stop. I’m no longer a virgin.”

  The simple statement was the first time I’d said the words out loud. The first admission of what he did, and I didn’t comprehend the fury that overtook Sam. He slammed the steering wheel, growling a string of curses.

  “God damn it, I really like you,” he said looking at me. “And he fucking knew that!”

  “So, he ruined me for everyone because he was too much of a coward to let me loose?” Even I heard the total lack of emotion in my voice and the fact Sam’s eyes were filled with tears didn’t elicit anything from me. “You really think I’ll fall for this again?” I waved at the pained look in his face. “I’m not a fucking idiot.”

  “I’m going to kill him,” he whispered and even that didn’t break through. After a few minutes of silence, he asked, “When?”

  I had nothing to hide and nothing to gain from this conversation, except raising his awareness of what his so-called friend did. “The weekend after Thanksgiving.”

  His jaw clenched and his head slowly shook in disbelief.

  “Why?” Something about his reaction
scratched my curiosity.

  He met my gaze. “He stopped by on Saturday. I should have known just by the way he kept directing the conversation to us. He was fishing and when I told him I thought you could be someone special...” He trailed off. “That fucker.”

  This was the first time I was hearing just how he felt about me, and sadness filled me. The knowledge that I’d just trampled over his feelings tightened my throat and he glared at me.

  “What was this to you?” he waved his finger between us.

  I met his stark stare. “I told him to tell you the truth. He didn’t, so I took the opportunity to flaunt this. I used you, and then after a few dates, I realized he might have been telling me the truth when he said you were a nice guy. You never pressured me for anything. I guess I thought you were being polite because you knew about Eric and me.”

  “So, nothing.” The way the words spat out. “You don’t feel anything.”

  It wasn’t a question and I looked away. “No.”

  The truck started and he put it in drive, peeling out of the parking lot. No words passed and when he pulled into my driveway, I knew I’d never see him again after this. There was no sense of loss or regret and he met my gaze.

  “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” It was all I could think of to say and I cringed at how much it sounded like Eric. Sam just shook his head.

  “I’m sorry he did this to you.” His eyes reflected the regret mine lacked, and I gave him a small nod, stepping out of the truck and crossing to the front stoop as he pulled away.

  I walked in the door and my parents looked up from their television show.

  “You’re home early, what happened?”

  “We broke up.” I shrugged and retreated to my room.

  The light knock on my door drew my attention from the book I had propped on my lap. My mom popped her head in the room.

  “Are you okay, honey?”

  “I’m fine, why?”

  She opened her mouth to speak and then pressed her lips together in a smile. “Well, if you need to talk, I’m here.”

  I gave her a nod and focused back on the book. The door closed and I stepped into the story, getting lost in the frightening world of Stephen King.