Silence

by J. E. Taylor

  Silence Chapter 23

  I stood in the courtyard, pulling a drag of my cigarette when Hank swung his arm around my shoulder. Rob sent me a warning glare and I ignored it, looking into the deep blue eyes of my latest boyfriend. He was one of the guys who’d shown interest when I started flirting at school.

  We played the flirt game through the end of the year, and the minute Sam left my driveway, Hank stepped into my life in earnest. He was younger by a year, and had that blonde, feathered hair, blue-eyed thing that seemed to be my modus operandi. He wasn’t tall, but he wasn’t short either, and from what Rob kept telling me, he was trouble.

  I needed a little trouble.

  I needed that adrenaline rush to feel alive, especially when everything else was shut down. We skipped school constantly through January and February, and he’d show up at my house whenever my parents weren’t there. I still resisted physical contact beyond a kiss, and Hank was blessed with the kind of kiss that could make my knees weak if I let it. He could create a small spark in the abyss that was my soul, so while I craved the flame, I also kept him at arm’s length.

  One evening, he ran his hand through his hair in frustration after trying to get beyond a kiss.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he snapped, sending a glare as I buttoned the button he’d unlatched a moment before.

  I leveled my cold stare at him.

  “Why are you so god damned afraid?” This time his question was softer, less exasperated.

  “Because the last guy I fell for tore me apart.”

  “So, you’re never going to let anyone in?”

  I huffed and stood up, crossing to the window. He followed me and wrapped his arms around my waist, meeting my gaze in the window. He kissed my shoulder.

  “What happened?”

  “I can’t be fixed.” A piece of the wall crumbled.

  “Let me try.” The sincerity in his voice gave me pause and while a part of me wanted to trust him, I didn’t. Not with my heart, and certainly not with my body.

  Against my will, a tear escaped and I shook my head.

  “All guys aren’t dicks,” he said, still keeping eye contact and I laughed. My closest friends were guys, but right now, I kept even them at arm’s length. There was no point in rehashing what happened. “Do you trust me?”

  I laughed again. “No.”

  His jaw tightened and he inhaled, putting his forehead on my shoulder. “Why not?”

  “I don’t trust anyone.”

  He turned me around. “You used to have a light dancing in your eyes.” He tucked my hair behind my ears and cupped my chin. “And everyone wanted to be a part of that light. None of us see that anymore, it’s like someone snuffed out your life force, and I want to help you get it back.”

  My chin trembled and the wall cracked, but I shook my head, patching the breach before it got too big. I blinked back the tears and shrugged. “I can’t be fixed.”

  He pulled me against him and kissed me like his kiss could patch me up. This time, I let myself melt into it. His hands moved from around my waist, sliding up my sides until they cupped my breasts. I stepped away.

  “I promise I’ll stop...”

  He didn’t get the words out, instead I shoved him away, the anger flaring to the surface.

  “Don’t promise me something you have no intention of keeping.” I stepped toward the door and he blocked my exit. It was the first time I’d raised my voice in any sort of emotion and what had come out was a warning growl. “Get out of my way.”

  “No.” He held fast, but he didn’t move towards me either.

  I stepped back, putting distance between us, but he wasn’t having any of that, he stepped forward, leaving just enough room for space between us, but not enough for me to put the emotional distance I needed in place. He was pushing the boundaries, trying to break through the wall I’d built, and I glared at him.

  “You know I want you, but you don’t trust that I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Are you a virgin?”

  “I never said yes.” I snapped. It wasn’t a direct answer, but it was enough for his arms to drop to his sides. I glared at him. “Are you?”

  His little chuckle and the drop of his eyes to the ground before they returned told me what I needed to know. But just so we were completely clear, he said, “No.”

  “Oh, great,” I rolled my eyes. The thought of being on someone else’s conquest list didn’t make my evening, and he seemed to be just as much of a predator as Eric was.

  He took a seat. “Take off your clothes and I’ll prove I can control myself.”

  I laughed at him, but the dare in his eyes and the unconventional request was just bizarre enough for me to consider it. “You’re out of your mind.”

  He put his hands in the air and then leaned back in the seat, crossing his arms.

  I huffed at his attitude and before I knew it, I was unbuttoning my shirt. He watched me expectantly as I threw the shirt on the ground. My bra joined it and his eyes never left mine. Heat filled my cheeks but I kept going until I stood without a stitch of clothing.

  “There, are you satisfied?” I threw my arms out to the side.

  “Lie down on the floor.”

  “What?”

  “Lie down on the floor.” His request was more of a command and my heart took on a thunderous quality as the adrenaline jumped up a notch.

  I hesitated, almost reaching for my shirt but he still kept my gaze. His eyes hadn’t taken in my naked form yet and I swallowed and pressed my lips together.

  “Lie down.” He remained seated and my gaze dropped to his pants. There was no indication of arousal and I didn’t know whether to be thankful or offended.

  I sighed and lay down on my back. He dropped to his knees and crawled to my feet. Hunger was now present in his gaze as it traveled over me, and I fought the urge to curl into a ball. He crawled over me without touching my skin until he straddled me, with his arms next to my head and his knees flanking my hips.

  He stayed in place, staring down at me. Inch by inch he lowered until his lips met mine. Only his lips. He pushed back up.

  “You don’t know how much I want you right now.” He leaned back on his knees and ran his hand through his hair. His eyes caressed my chest and the v of my legs that he hovered over before traveling back to my eyes.

  The doorknob rattled and he moved swifter than I did, dropping so he covered me as both our gazes snapped to the wide eyes of my little sister.

  “Get out!” we both yelled at the same time. The door slammed closed and we looked at each other. His eyes were as wide as my sister’s had been, and I gathered mine probably matched his.

  He bit his lip and rolled off me. “Sorry about that,” he said and sat up, reaching for my shirt. He covered me with it and my hand shot over my mouth.

  He met my gaze and I couldn’t help it, the laughter bled through my fingers. He smiled at me, watching as I pulled on my clothes, before he allowed any laughter past his own lips.

  “What the hell were you thinking?” I sputtered.

  “I don’t know,” he said, his dimples present. “I just wanted you covered.”

  “Oh, well, you certainly did that.” I climbed onto the couch and he took the seat next to me. “That was funny,” I said as my laughter drew out.

  “If you think having a heart attack is funny, then that was hilarious.”

  Somehow, that misadventure allowed him to weasel his way into one of the cracks in my armor.

  Silence Chapter 24

  Hank pulled me out to my car between classes. He leaned against the silver Golf and ran a hand through his hair. We both shivered in the cold.

  “What’s up?”

  “Can I borrow two hundred dollars?” His question stunned me so much I stopped shivering and I really took a look at him. He wasn’t shivering, he was shifting his weight in that nervous way that pulled my internal fire alarm.
r />   “Why?”

  He held my gaze. “Don’t get mad,” he started and you know damned well that flipped the switch, setting anger on the brew level. When I didn’t react, he opened his mouth and closed his eyes. “Lily’s pregnant.”

  His ex. Oh, what fucking joy is this? They hadn’t been together since before the holidays and when his eyes opened, I knew that was a lie. I just turned and walked back into the school without a word.

  I found her at her locker and grabbed her arm swinging her around. “You decided fucking my boyfriend was a good idea?”

  “Jamie, don’t,” Hank said from behind me, and I glared over my shoulder at him.

  “You can have his cheating ass,” I said and stomped off. They both followed spouting excuses until I turned and raised my hands. “I don’t care. We are no longer and you two deserve each other.”

  I waved them away and stormed out of the school. By the time I got to my car, Rob was already there, leaning on the side, just waiting for me with his coat on.

  “Feel like ditching?” he asked.

  “Yep,” I said. It was all I could choke out. I unlocked the doors and we took off.

  I didn’t speak and we ended up at Soapstone Mountain. I parked and trudged through the snow to the tower that overlooked the valley all the way from Hartford to Springfield. Rob climbed the stairs with me and I leaned on the railing in the cold.

  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my temple, hunching down to prop his chin on my shoulder.

  “You okay?”

  I just nodded. “He asked me for money for an abortion.” I met his gaze and he squeezed me. “Why do guys always think they can walk all over me?”

  He straightened and propped his chin on the top of my head and offered me no answer at first.

  “Maybe you’re choosing the wrong guys,” he finally said, as the chill seeped under our coats.

  I swiveled in his arms and looked up at him. “You’re my closest friend, Rob. I can’t afford to fuck that up. Not when you’re about the only guy on this earth I trust.”

  He scanned the horizon and then leaned in, kissing me. The delivery was sneaky, and just like that time on the lawn, he yanked the breath from my lungs. He pulled away and leaned his forehead against mine. “Not all guys want to take advantage of you. Some of us just want to love you.”

  “Are you telling me you don’t want to sleep with me?”

  “You already know the answer to that, and if I said no, I’d be lying through my teeth.”

  I huffed a laugh and shivered. He pulled me closer, running his hands up and down my arms for warmth.

  “Are you ready to talk to me about things yet? Or are you going to keep shutting me out?”

  “You don’t want to know.”

  “I really do, because the girl I fell in love with is gone. The one who snubbed her nose at those bullies, and walked with her head held high when anyone else would have crawled into a hole, is nowhere to be found. What happened to the fighter?”

  Leave it to Rob to slap some reason into me. “I got lost, and I have no idea how to get back.” I let out a laugh. “I told Hank I can’t be fixed. I guess he took that to heart.”

  “What did that asshole do to you?”

  “Hank didn’t do anything.”

  “No, the other guy. The one who had you walking on air. You fucking sparkled when you spoke about him, and then boom. It’s like the lights went out. What the hell did he do to you?”

  I blinked the tears back and tried to push away, but he wasn’t having any of that.

  “Talk to me. Brooke’s even worried about you. Jesus, everyone who cares about you is worried.”

  I shook my head, trying again to break free.

  “I’m not letting go,” he said.

  The amount of turmoil burning my stomach pulled the first sob from my chest.

  “Talk to me, baby,” he whispered, begging me with his beautiful eyes.

  “I can’t.”

  He pulled me to his chest, pressing his lips to the top of my head. “You have to talk to someone.” His fingers curved under my chin. “Please. Even if it isn’t me.”

  Tears blurred my vision and I nodded. He just held me and swayed in a slow dance at the top of the cold tower. I tried to hold onto the wall protecting me, but his slow sway, lulled me into submission.

  Silence Chapter 25

  I sat in the vice principal’s office getting another lecture on skipping school. His exasperation was clear in his tone and the constant movement of his hands. That Italian blood made him a hand talker. I was used to these lectures and usually stared at him, nodding and promising in that deadpan tone not to do it again.

  I burst into tears. There wasn’t any warning. Just Rob’s soft request to talk to someone, anyone. Mr. Capizio stopped dead in the middle of his sentence, his mouth forming that little “o” of surprise. Especially since it wasn’t the usual theatrical crocodile tears he was used to from his students. This was the sloppy sob of someone who just blasted through the breaking point.

  I’m not sure he knew what to do and the soft pat on my arm didn’t help any. Instead of trying to get words out, he gently led me into the school psychologist’s office. I shook from head to toe and went through nearly a dozen tissues before I could form words.

  “I think I was raped,” I whispered and met Mr. Henry’s gaze.

  Mr. Henry traded a glance with the vice principal and leaned forward, taking my hand. Just the physical touch, along with the concern in his eyes rekindled the waterworks.

  “Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

  His delivered the question in such a way that it invited a response and as soon as my shakes calmed, I took a deep breath and let the words tumble out. “I said no, he didn’t stop.”

  It was six words.

  Six words and the admission that it might qualify as rape blew the floodgates, crumbling the wall holding all the shit in.

  “I was a virgin. I’m not anymore.”

  “I gather you knew the person who attacked you?”

  My gaze snapped to his. Attack? That word didn’t settle right with me. “He didn’t attack me. He just didn’t stop when I said no.” Confusion filled me, alongside doubt. This hadn’t been a violent aggression, it was a broken promise. A callous stripping of my virginity, but it wasn’t what I considered an attack.

  “So, you know this... person?”

  I blinked the tears from my eyes and stared at Mr. Henry. A part of me already regretted starting this conversation, but Rob had broken down some of my barriers and being hauled into the vice principal’s office seemed to be the crow bar that took out the structural integrity of the wall I’d built.

  “Yeah. I dated him for a while and we kind of broke up, before, you know.”

  “Does he go to this school?”

  I shook my head. “He already graduated from college.”

  The psychologist’s eyes flared and he leaned back, taking a breath before he continued.

  “Do you want to press charges?”

  I met his gaze. The thought of throwing Eric in jail never entered my mind, but not only did he take something from me that he had no right to, I was seventeen and he was twenty-three. If I wanted to, I could ruin his entire life.

  I glanced out the window debating before I shook my head. “No. We were high, things got heated,” I said and shrugged. “It’s my word against his.” I didn’t add that Eric was a master at manipulation and a convincing liar. Besides, the hell I’d have to put my family through wouldn’t be worth it.

  “I need you to know, this is something I have to share with your parents.”

  I bit my lip and shook my head. I didn’t want them to know this. They had already been through enough with the bullying stuff. That fact brought another wave of tears. “Please don’t...”

  “There are a lot of things I am willing to keep between us, but rape isn’t one of them. It’s a serious crime, and whether you know it or not, you are going to ne
ed the support of your family and friends, along with a professional who deals with the fallout of this type of crime, in order to get through this.”

  I stared at the floor with my throat burning with hot tears. “They’ve been through enough,” I said and met his gaze, and a crease appeared between his eyes. This was his first year at the school, so he didn’t know about the bitch squad. “I was bullied for the first three years here. Enough so that the school...” I paused and glanced over my shoulder at Mr. Capizio before I focused back on Mr. Henry. “...told my parents I wasn’t safe walking to and from school. So they’ve already dealt with more shit than they should have had to, where I am concerned.”

  He slowly leaned back in the chair. “They need to know.” His tone didn’t give me any leeway, but it wasn’t stern or intimidating and the tears started again. “Would you prefer to be the one to tell them what happened?”

  My chin quivered again and I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “You do know this wasn’t your fault, right?” he asked in such a soft calm tone that I almost believed him.

  “I shouldn’t have let him start anything that night,” I said, feeling the weight of my own actions. I went over everything leading up to that moment. Getting high, his advances that I didn’t ward off, even leaving my underwear in the bathroom. It was all one mistake after another and Eric would say I wanted it. Hell, he’d say I even invited it.

  “No, means no. No matter how far along you are.” His kind eyes held mine and I eventually nodded.

  “I said no. More than once.” My throat tightened and I covered my mouth. Swallowing the sudden burn of bile brought on by the flood of suppressed emotions. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  Mr. Henry produced a trash can like he was a magician, and he set it in front of me in time to catch the slim contents of my stomach. He handed me a couple of tissues and glanced at the vice principal.

  “Do you think you might be pregnant?” His question was soft and I laughed as I wiped my mouth.