Silence

by J. E. Taylor

  “No. I’m on the pill and have been for years.”

  His eyelids fluttered and the two men exchanged a look.

  “I was put on it to regulate my period,” I said and heat filled my already hot face. The garbage can was removed and Mr. Henry handed me a cup of water from the cooler in the corner.

  “I had to ask.”

  I gave him a nod and the door behind me clicked. I glanced over my shoulder, making note that Mr. Capizio had left, taking the garbage can with him. I turned toward Mr. Henry.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, swiping at the stream of tears that I couldn’t seem to find the off button for.

  “You have nothing to apologize for.” He reached into his drawer and pulled out a pack of gum, taking one and then offered the rest of the pack to me. I slipped one out, unwrapped the foil, and popped it in my mouth.

  “Do you feel like telling me about the bully situation?”

  I gave him a single shoulder shrug. “That started because I was on crutches and someone yelled faker out the bus window. And I did this,” I said and raised my middle finger. He actually smirked, which allowed me to crack a little smile. “I guess they didn’t like that.”

  “What did they do?” He leaned forward, prompting me with only his body language.

  “One girl slammed me against the wall and choked me, while the other dumped chocolate milk on me. And the leader of the little pack threatened me.”

  His smirk disappeared almost immediately.

  “I didn’t tell the nurse their names. My friend did, though, and they got suspended. So, not only did I have the audacity to flip them off, they also thought I was a nark.”

  “And what did that mean?”

  “Three years of constant verbal assaults.” I shrugged at the bitterness that bled through my tone.

  “And how did you handle that?”

  “I kept silent.”

  He cocked his eyebrow at me.

  “I was told to. For my safety.”

  That drew his brow together and he sighed, shaking his head. “So, silence is how you deal with things?”

  I let out a laugh and glanced out the window. “I guess.”

  “It seems to me a girl with the nerve to flip someone off wouldn’t just sit back and let herself become a victim.”

  I moved my gaze back to him and anger flared inside. “You don’t think ignoring them took strength?” My voice was calm and reasonable, showing none of the bite eating away under my skin.

  “I think it took an incredible amount of strength and self restraint. But I’m more concerned with what is going on underneath the surface.”

  “I survived.”

  He leaned forward. “Don’t you want to do more than just survive?”

  Mr. Henry seemed to be able to read me better than any other adult I had encountered, it was like he had a direct line to my very soul. I stared at him and pressed my lips together, silently cursing the fresh wave of tears that escaped the corners of my eyes.

  “Yes.”

  “Will you let me help you get there?”

  The soft knock on the door left the question hanging and we both turned as Mr. Capizio opened the door. My mother stood at his side, with that anxious look on her face and my stomach clenched as her eyes bounced from me to Mr. Henry.

  He stood. “Hello, Mrs. Wilson. My name is Josh Henry. I’m the school psychologist.” He extended his hand to her, and they shook before he offered her the seat in front of his desk.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked.

  I dropped my gaze to the floor, unable to look at her, unable to move or speak.

  “Your daughter was called down to my office for skipping class today,” Mr. Capizio started, and out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother stiffen.

  Disappointment radiated from her, but before she could speak, Mr. Capizio cleared his throat.

  “While you may be angry with your daughter for skipping school, the fact that she was caught brought to light some more serious issues that Mr. Henry would like to discuss with you.”

  My mother’s gaze moved from the vice principal to Mr. Henry.

  “There’s no easy way to say this,” he started, and met my gaze sending a reassuring nod in my direction. “But it seems your daughter was sexually assaulted.”

  The silence was suffocating and I raised my gaze to hers, terrified of what I might see, but my mother’s hand was clamped over her mouth and the sorrow in her eyes shot right through me.

  “Oh, my god,” her whisper filtered through her fingers, and then she had me in her arms. “I knew something was wrong, but I just didn’t know how to get through to you.” Her whispered confession brought forth a soul-wrenching sob, and I clung to her whispering my own unrecognizable apology.

  As soon as I stopped shaking, she sat me down and took her seat.

  “Who?” she asked, and I sniffled and met her gaze. I didn’t need to say a word, I could see her mind working backwards to the exact moment my world had fallen to pieces. “Eric.”

  I dropped my gaze and nodded.

  “I already covered this with Jamie, but since she is a minor, you have the right to press charges for statutory rape.”

  Again, silence filtered through the room and I met her gaze.

  “I’d love to send him to jail,” she said with enough venom to slap the tears away. “But I need to understand the circumstances. I need to know if he has the ammunition to drag her through the mud.”

  I sniffled. “We got high at the house. Things went a little too far and he didn’t stop when I said no.”

  “When?”

  “The weekend after Thanksgiving.”

  Her eyes blinked and the conversation caught up to her. “You... were high?”

  I dropped my gaze and nodded. “Yeah.” My sins were piling up fast. Skipping school, getting high, fooling around. The silent pause told me her processing of all this was slow. I know she couldn’t be so naive to think I didn’t party, but her stunned silence made me shift.

  “Where were we?”

  “At the Bakers.”

  “Your brother was home that weekend, where was he?” Her tone was still in the land of incredulous as the timing started to work its way into her consciousness.

  “He went out with his friends.”

  “Was Eric there when he left?”

  “Yeah.”

  She huffed an exhale.

  “It wasn’t Dave’s fault.” I met her bewildered stare. “It would have still happened if Dave had stayed home that night, or if Jill had been home.” I sniffled and wiped my nose with a tissue. “Eric was a mess when he came over. I’m not sure if he had been drinking or what, but he wasn’t himself. I never should have let him in, but he gave me some bullshit line about missing me, and I just caved.”

  I stopped and wiped my face. “After Dave left, one thing led to another and in the past, he always stopped when I told him to, so I had no reason to think he wouldn’t that night either.”

  “Had you slept with him... before?” she asked softly enough, but it still didn’t hide her shock at having to voice the question.

  “No. We’d fooled around, but I hadn’t slept with him. Or anyone else for that matter. I was a virgin.” I met her gaze and the relief and horror mixed together in her eyes at the reality of what he did. I could feel the walls rebuilding, my inner defense mechanism clicking into place and I think she saw it too, because she reached for my hand.

  I pulled it away, trying to gain distance again, to gain that numbness, because if I didn’t, I would go insane. “I’m okay,” I said and her chin trembled.

  “No, you’re not.”

  I clenched my jaw, desperately scrambling for the bricks to shore up the barrier, but I couldn’t work fast enough to repair today’s damage. The flood of emotions was just too strong.

  “Remember what I asked you before your mother came in?” Mr. Henry said, pulling my attention away from my mom.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep b
reath before I nodded.

  “We can help you, but you have to let us.” He nodded toward my mother as he talked.

  I moved my gaze to the window, wishing for the numbness, because I wasn’t equipped for this storm. “I honestly don’t know if I can be fixed.”

  Silence Chapter 26

  I sat on the couch with my arms wrapped around myself, trying to shrink into the fabric as my mother explained to my father what happened. I could hear their heated whispers and then silence.

  I knew I was going to need that hour with Mr. Henry tomorrow, especially after facing my father. The hurt in his eyes when he stepped in the room pushed my gaze to the floor. He crossed and took a seat next to me, pulling me to his shoulder. The soft kiss on my head brought silent tears.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to stop him,” he said, and gave me a squeeze.

  I just nodded, and let him hold me. The lump in my throat was too great, and it shut off my ability to tell my father he had no blame in this. He shouldn’t have to apologize to me. Not for the actions of an asshole. After a while, he stood and his footsteps were heavy as he navigated through the house. I heard the front door open and close, and a blind panic filled me. I didn’t want my father to do anything stupid. Going after Eric wasn’t the answer, and when I opened the door to chase after him, my father was sitting on the frigid steps with his head in his hands.

  I had never seen my father cry. Hell, he rarely got mad. He was usually the goofy one who could pull a laugh out of me no matter how aggravated I was. He was the big strong teddy bear who smiled and warmed everyone’s soul.

  He met my gaze and pressed his lips together in a mock smile meant to reassure me, but seeing those tears was like facing the devil and losing my soul. The blow to my heart was total. Not only had Eric stripped me of who I was, in doing so, he had hurt my dad.

  The first burn of anger lit inside of me and I gave him a nod, leaving him to deal with whatever emotions were roiling inside him. I had to step away, to back up into that cocoon; otherwise, I would be the one to do something stupid.

  THE NEXT MORNING, I picked up Brooke and we drove in silence. I wasn’t ready for anyone else to know what happened. It was tough enough to deal with my parents’ worried glances, I didn’t know if I could deal with the same from my friends, but Brooke knew more of the details of exactly what happened leading up to that weekend, so when we pulled into the parking space, I just dropped the car in neutral and set the brake.

  She stopped with her hand on the door. Glancing at me, her hand dropped and I twirled my scarf in my hands and bit my lip.

  “Rob told me you were worried about me.” I met her gaze and she offered a soft smile and a nod confirming.

  “I have been.”

  “I’m getting some help.” I said, turned off the ignition, and shifted the car into gear for the day.

  “What happened?”

  I took a deep breath and met her gaze. “Eric raped me.”

  As the words sank in, her muscles contracted, pulling her features into the fire of anger.

  “After all the shit he put you through?”

  I hitched a laugh. “Yeah.”

  “He is a royal asshole.”

  I couldn’t disagree, and gave her a shrug before reaching for my door.

  “Any time you want to talk, I’m here.”

  “Thanks, Brooke,” I said, and we both got out of the car. There was one more person I needed to talk to before I started my day, and the minute I stepped into the courtyard, our gazes locked. Halfway across the distance, Hank stepped into my path.

  “Have you thought about what I asked?”

  My gaze flitted over his shoulder to Rob, who still focused on me, half paying attention to the conversation around him. I moved my eyes to Hank and adopted my best get the fuck out of my way stare.

  “Are you kidding me?”

  He shifted and shoved his hands in his pocket. “I know. I’m an asshole, but if I had any other way of getting the money...”

  “Move,” I said and it was soft, but full of the budding rage. Hank met my glare and he stepped aside. I crossed and stopped in front of Rob. “Got a few?”

  He nodded and I led him inside, where we slipped into the dark auditorium. I took a seat in the back row and he plunked in the seat next to me. Our hands searched the dark until they intertwined.

  “It’s dark in here.”

  Stating the obvious drew a soft laugh from me but I didn’t say anything curt in response.

  “What happened yesterday?”

  “I got hauled into the vice principal’s office for skipping, and I completely lost it.” My voice hung soft in the dark and he squeezed my hand before unclasping and throwing his arm around my shoulder instead. “It’s your fault, too.”

  “What did I do?”

  “You put a crack in my wall. One that was big enough to burst the entire fucking dam.”

  His lips pressed against the side of my head. “Good.”

  “Are you really ready to hear what happened to me?”

  The slow rub of his hand on my shoulder stilled. My eyes had adjusted to the blackness surrounding us and I could just make out his head. His slow sigh told me he was gearing up for the worst and his soft affirmation hung between us.

  “He did hurt me, on so many levels. I let him go farther than anyone else ever had.”

  Rob’s arm started to move away from me and I reached up, threading my fingers through his hand and holding it in place.

  “I kind of need you not to pull away while I talk, okay?”

  “Okay,” he said and I could already hear the anger.

  “As I was saying, he got farther than anyone else, but I still said no to going all the way. I don’t know what stopped me, but I always said no. In the beginning of November, he invited me to a concert, but he wanted me to go as his friend’s date. That was when I found out he was two timing me. His excuse was ‘it was complicated.’ He had been with her for two years at that point and it was complicated. I should have told him to fuck off right there, and been done with it all.”

  I inhaled and squeezed Rob’s hand before I continued. “You can imagine how pissed off I was, but he somehow got me to agree. His friend was nice enough, but he was clueless. He thought Eric had really set us up on a date, and he wanted his friend to go along with the cover story that his friend and I had been dating for a while. It was fucked up.”

  Rob huffed agreement.

  “I went to the concert and I couldn’t have felt like a bigger fool. Eric’s girlfriend was actually his fiancé, and it wasn’t like they were engaged before he met me. He proposed to her while he was screwing around with me.”

  His hand tightened around mine and I winced.

  “Sorry,” he muttered, and I squeezed to tell him it was okay. “But if I ever run into him, I’m going to punch his lights out.

  “Yeah, well, that isn’t the worst of it.”

  Silence layered over my anxiety as he waited for me to continue.

  “The weekend after Thanksgiving, he came over and my parents were out.”

  The burn of tears clenched my throat and Rob unthreaded my hand, pulling me onto his lap. His arms wrapped around me like a protective blanket and his forehead met mine.

  “What did he do?” The growl in his voice pulled a shaky breath from my chest.

  “He didn’t take no for an answer.”

  I didn’t fall apart at the admission like I had the day before. While hot tears painted my face, the soul-wrenching sobs remained locked up. Rob’s reaction wasn’t as graceful or as calm as mine. His arms tightened, pulling me into a hug with his head resting on my shoulder. His entire form trembled with the raging beast he was contending with.

  “I will kill him,” the words came through clenched teeth and I wrapped my arms around him, trying not to let my own demons get the best of me.

  “I can’t let you do that.”

  “Why the fuck not?” He pulled away, and the flash of his eye
s was pronounced enough to see in the darkness.

  “Because, I don’t want you getting in trouble. That won’t help me get past this.”

  His grip loosened and his palm found my cheek. The gentle caress of his thumb on my skin, tripped another progression of tears.

  “Still love me?” I asked with a voice that was raw and shaky. I dreaded the answer more than I anticipated.

  His soft lips covered mine in a sweet kiss. “Always,” he whispered, his breath tickled mine and my chest hitched with a sob. “But I can’t promise what I’ll do if I ever run into him,” he said and pulled me tight.

  I SAT OUTSIDE MR. HENRY’S office, shifting nervously as I waited for him to finish talking with another student. The door opened and Mr. Henry poked his head out after a moment. “You can come in now.”

  I shuffled into the room and took a seat. The door clicked closed and I met his gaze as he crossed and took the seat in the comfortable chair next to me instead of parking behind the desk. He stretched his legs and leaned back in the chair.

  “What do you want to talk about today?”

  I shrugged, picking at a hang nail. “I’m sorry I was such a mess yesterday.”

  His legs folded and he leaned on his knees, staring at me until I looked him in the eye.

  “You don’t need to apologize, okay?”

  I nodded and inhaled, clamping my lips against another apology.

  He smiled and crossed his leg, folding his hands neatly in his lap. It occurred to me that his posturing was intentional, but I didn’t understand what he wanted of me.

  “Before we get started, I want to make sure you’re comfortable talking with me.”

  I blinked, a little taken back by his question. I looked around the room and then back at him. “You were the first adult I told.”

  His soft smile and nod put me at ease. “Yes, but I think that had more to do with timing than comfort.”

  I saw his point and chewed on my lip. On the base level, he was an adult and seemed to be interested in helping me, but his entire mannerism compelled me to be honest and that made me nervous. I didn’t have a lot of options and the psychiatrist I saw for a session or two back when I had the pain in my side didn’t give me the sense of calm that this man did and I sighed.