Silence

by J. E. Taylor

  “Yes, I think I’m comfortable talking to you.”

  “Okay, let’s talk about the reason you were called into Mr. Capizio’s office yesterday. Why did you skip class?” His eyebrows rose as he focused the conversation on my skipping school.

  I rolled my eyes. “I left school with a friend after my boyfriend asked me for money for an abortion for his ex-girlfriend.”

  “I’m not sure what to say to that.” Mr. Henry didn’t expect that loaded answer and he blinked as he tried to form a follow up question. I couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped.

  “I wasn’t too pleased to find out he was still screwing around with her, but with how distant I kept myself, I can’t really blame him,” I said and shrugged. “I seem to attract some real losers.”

  He cracked a smile. “Tell me about that.”

  “Tell you about what?” I didn’t know what part he wanted me to focus on.

  “How did you feel with what your boyfriend did?”

  “Angry.” I glanced out the window before I sighed and met his gaze. “Foolish,” I added.

  “Why did you feel foolish?”

  “I started to kind of like him, you know, and then I find out he’s no better than Eric was. He’s just a cheating bastard interested in one thing.” I needed to put distance between me and Mr. Henry, so I stood and crossed to the window. “I considered letting him in. Every time I do that, I get burned.”

  “Why do you think that happens?”

  “I have no fucking idea.” The foul language just spilled out and I glanced at him. He seemed unfazed, which was odd for a teacher. I chewed on my bottom lip as he prompted me with an eyebrow raise. “I really don’t.” I crossed my arms.

  “Do you think you purposely set yourself up for failure?”

  “Of course not,” I said, but his question set off an itch between my shoulder blades. “They just don’t want to date someone who isn’t interested in f... sex.” I corrected the response before I slipped again.

  “Have you ever thought you might be dating the wrong guys?”

  I laughed. The fact he said nearly the same words as Rob said to me just added to the new layer of doubt pressing on my chest. “Where are the right guys?”

  It was a legitimate question. I had dated the burnouts, the clean cut, the bad boys and even a jock, but each and every one of them got tired of being shut down. I had a long list of boyfriends and kissing partners, but only one had ever gotten me to spread my legs for more than a quick feel through the fabric of my jeans.

  He steepled his fingers, studying me.

  “Eric made me feel like a fool,” I said and looked out the window. The winter sky held the promise of snow, and the grey day fit my mood. “He coerced me into going farther than I had before, but until that night, he always stopped short when I said no. I might have gotten over the fact he used me for...” I trailed off. Going into his oral fixation wasn’t something I really wanted to discuss with the school councilor. “And I probably could have eventually forgiven him for cheating, if he had chosen me over his fiancé.” I slowly shook my head. “But there is no coming back from what he did.”

  Tears burned again.

  “I hate him, but I’m afraid a very sick part of me is still in love with him. I’m afraid if I see him...” I stopped and closed my eyes trying to wrap the emotions up and shove them back into the box. “I’m afraid he’ll make me... feel again.”

  Mr. Henry cocked his head, studying me, and when I didn’t continue, he asked. “Can you explain that a little more?”

  “I’m very good at shutting everything down. It’s made things... manageable, for the past four years, and the few times I’ve let that wall down, it’s been a disaster.” I met his gaze. “I let the wall down with Eric. Opened myself up to him and he betrayed me on every possible level.”

  Mr. Henry leaned forward. “Keeping the walls up isn’t living. It keeps people from getting to know the real you.”

  I stared at him before moving my glance away. “Maybe they wouldn’t like the real me.”

  His soft laugh pulled my attention.

  “I think you’re underestimating yourself.”

  I smiled and shrugged. I had had a lot of friends before I came to high school, but most of them were younger, and my closest childhood friend went to East Catholic. The separation from her my freshman year put a larger chunk of distance between us than miles, especially since I had become a burnout.

  “We don’t have that much time left today and I wanted to set some ground rules for moving forward.”

  “What ground rules?”

  “Skipping school and drugs. Both need to be addressed.”

  I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows in a silent challenge.

  “I would like you to make me a promise that you will do your best to avoid both of those things while we are working together, okay?”

  I shifted my stance. The way he phrased the question seemed reasonable and I gave him a nod.

  “If you’re out of school, expect that I will be calling home to check on you,” he added and I pressed my lips together.

  My freedom of picking and choosing my classes was now at risk. If I missed the first class of the day, I was marked absent and Mr. Henry would call home. My entire strategy for the last four years was now gone, and I’d run the risk of being caught if I blew off a class I deemed useless.

  This new revelation irked the hell out of me. I had pretty decent grades, even in the useless classes. Enough so that I had been accepted at one of the state schools, but now I would have to actually go to class. Consistently.

  I was beginning to regret the decision of opening my mouth and I turned my back on Mr. Henry. “Fine,” I said with as much enthusiasm as if I had been told I was being led to my death.

  “And no more getting high.”

  I glared over my shoulder at him and he crossed his arms, leveling the same silent challenge I had a few minutes before.

  “Fine.” I threw my arms up in defeat and found my way to the chair, dropping into it like a rag doll.

  “As far as these sessions, I’d like to start off with talking to you at least three times a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If you need me between sessions, my door is always open. Please come by and I will adjust my schedule to fit you in, okay?”

  I just nodded. As much as I hated to admit it, today seemed to have helped get my head around everything. Well, as much as an hour with a school psychologist can, but he seemed genuine and that meant a great deal to me.

  “I promise not to betray your trust.”

  I stared at him and my lips pressed against the sudden tremble in my chin. My throat tightened against the burn of unexpected tears. He had no idea the impact those seven words had on me. In that instant, Mr. Henry became my savior.

  Silence Chapter 27

  The first warm spell in April brought forth the senioritis in me. I didn’t want to hang out at school, and I certainly didn’t want to sit in Mr. Henry’s office spilling my soul onto his floor like some broken girl.

  I felt better than I had in a long time and I stood in the quadrangle debating.

  “Jamie?” a timid voice came from behind me and I turned, looking into the dark eyes of Hank’s ex.

  Her gaze dropped away, like it had done every time she looked at anyone, and I recognized a damaged soul when I saw one. Instead of being a bitch, I sighed.

  “Are you okay?” I’m not sure if it was the way I asked or just the softness in my voice, but the waterworks started. I glanced around and then led her away to a quiet area. One I knew well enough, and as I glanced at the bank of lockers, my gaze traveled to the dents I placed over the years.

  I focused back on Lily. “What’s going on?”

  “I didn’t mean to break you and Hank up,” she started through the tears, and I smiled.

  “It’s okay. He’s an asshole, so...”

  She glanced up at me through the tears and I expected some level of retort consi
dering she had been sleeping with him, but she surprised me by nodding.

  “He scares me.”

  Her admission shot to my heart as well as her tears. “Why?”

  “Because, he won’t leave me alone.”

  My mind went to a similar situation, one I hadn’t thought of since I had been told. This sounded a lot like what happened with Corey and his ex, and Hank was just as unstable as Corey had been. I licked my lips and asked, “You want him to leave you alone?”

  She nodded and I slung my arm around her shoulder. “Aren’t you pregnant with his kid?”

  Her gaze snapped up to mine in shock, and she shook her head. “I mean, we had a scare, but no, I’m not pregnant.”

  “Why sleep with him if you want him to leave you alone?”

  She shrugged. “He made me think he loved me, and he’s a little hard to say no to.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because you make him nervous,” she said and met my gaze.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Why?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe because he couldn’t ever control you?”

  I blinked at her, thinking back to all the interactions I had with Hank. Keeping him at arm’s length might have been a really good thing after all. The idea of being under a man’s thumb really irked me, and for once, I was glad for the relationship my parents had. They were equals, and never had a harsh word against each other. If they disagreed, it was behind closed doors. I was raised in an atmosphere of love and respect.

  “And he can control you?”

  She shrugged. “He used to be able to, but since you broke up with him... I don’t know. I want to be more like you. Someone who can stand up for herself.”

  I laughed. She was a freshman, so she never saw the hell I had to endure. “Being like me isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

  She glanced at me with admiration I hadn’t earned and I sighed.

  Hank came skidding around the corner and stopped dead at the sight of us together. Shock transitioned to aggravation, and he leveled a glare in my direction, like, whatever knowledge I had, I’d better keep to myself. He started towards us and the intent in his eyes ruffled my feathers.

  Lily stiffened and I stood, stepping in front of her, blocking his path.

  “She doesn’t want you near her.” My words stunned him and he faltered, stopping less than arm’s length away.

  “Get out of my way,” he said, once he recovered.

  “No,” I said and the glare he sent me should have given me fair warning, but I straightened my back in that defiant way, knowing it would irk him even more. “Leave her alone.”

  He tried to look beyond me, and when his gaze snapped to mine, there was a level of anger there that I had never seen in his eyes. He grabbed me and slammed me against the locker.

  Lily jumped to her feet. “Hank, no!”

  I didn’t react the way he expected. My hands balled into fists and I leveled a glare of my own. “Fuck off,” I growled, getting control over the fury he set in my blood. Manhandling me after everything I had been through set me off in a way I never imagined.

  He punched me in the stomach and I didn’t react, I was too consumed with controlling the fury blazing through me. I didn’t release the air that had been yanked from my lungs, or crumble to the ground with the pain spiraling from the point of impact. I stood tall, glaring at him like nothing had happened.

  “You’d better get the fuck away from me, now,” I snarled and his eyes widened. Fear traced its way through his face and he stepped away. After a few steps backwards, he spun and bolted like he had seen a ghost.

  It might have been funny, had I not been trying to control the anger. I counted to ten and then folded over, succumbing to the pain that was now fully present.

  Lily ran to my side as I tried to catch my breath. “Oh, my god, are you okay?” her trembling voice asked.

  I turned my head, taking in the tears painting her face along with the concern, and I nodded. “He just knocked the wind out of me,” I gasped, trying to pull air in as I leaned against the locker. Straightening hurt, but I sucked it up and exhaled, closing my eyes and gaining control over my muscles again. “Come on,” I said as the late bell rang.

  I led her to my new favorite hang out and knocked on the door. Mr. Henry turned from his computer and the permanent smile on his face faded.

  “Lily, this is Mr. Henry. I think you should talk to him about the things you talked to me about. He can help.” I waved her to a chair and turned to leave.

  “Aren’t you going to tell him what happened?” she asked before I got to the door.

  “Eventually, but I think you need some help getting your head straight.”

  “But he punched you...”

  “Jamie?”

  I stopped at the door and turned, meeting Mr. Henry’s gaze. “I’m fine. Her boyfriend was angry that I got involved, and yeah, he punched me in the stomach, but I think the non-reaction he got scared the living shit out of him, so I’m good.” I smiled in that knowing way that stopped more questions. “She needs your help.” I pointed toward Lily, silently relaying more than words could.

  He nodded. “We’ll talk about what happened later.”

  I gave him a nod and wandered toward my car. I was already late and Mr. Henry knew I was in school, so today was my free pass at skipping. I crossed by Rob’s class and glanced inside, catching his gaze. I nodded my head in the direction of the parking lot and he sent a nod. With that, I headed toward my car. Ten minutes later, Rob opened the passenger door and slid inside.

  “Where were you this morning?”

  “Lily needed to talk. She doesn’t want Hank near her and I kind of stepped in when he showed up where we were talking. The jackass punched me.” I laughed and met his now angry gaze. “Don’t worry, he had no idea it hurt. As a matter of fact, I think he may have shit his pants when I told him he better get the fuck away from me now.”

  Rob’s lips twitched into a smirk and then the chuckle erupted. “I would have paid money to see that.”

  I gave his knee a pat and looked around. “Where to?”

  “I can’t skip, I got in a lot of trouble the last time we blew off class.”

  “So where are you supposed to be?”

  He held up the bathroom pass. “Aren’t you going to get in trouble?”

  “Nah. I brought Lily to Mr. Henry’s office. He knows I’m here, so he won’t call my house.” I had learned a couple of times since we started talking that he was serious and each time, I had been grounded from having the car at school. I learned my lesson and I’m sure I was going to get called into his office for skipping my morning class, but today, I didn’t care.

  Senioritis had taken a serious bite out of my self-control.

  Silence Chapter 28

  The rumbling sound I hadn’t heard in forever settled in our driveway and then shut off. I wasn’t the first one to my feet, but I followed because the look on my father’s face warranted it.

  I stood at the kitchen entrance as my father opened the door. Eric took the first step and stopped when his gaze landed on my dad’s face. His gaze jumped to mine behind, and I had to stifle the flare of pain that wrapped around my body. Seeing him tore open the wounds, leaving me raw and exposed. His black and blue eye didn’t make me feel any better either.

  “You should turn around and leave right now,” my father said, and his voice held a dangerous quality I never heard before.

  Eric’s gaze bounced back to his and it took a moment for the words to sink in. His mouth opened and then slowly closed. He nodded and turned, but not before his gaze found mine again. Devastation gripped me as if a hand reached into my chest and ripped my heart out.

  My father closed the door and the sound of the motorcycle roared to life before it faded as he drove away. My dad didn’t turn right away and his tightly clenched fists relaxed. I imagined he was counting down from some number while getting a hold on the anger. Me, I was try
ing to remember how to breathe again.

  Everything I had been afraid of came barreling back. That attraction that physically ruled me clouded my mind when I saw him. The raw pain in his eyes tore through me like a tornado, and all I could envision was his arms wrapped around me in that warm welcoming hug. On the heels of those overwhelming feelings, I saw the determination in his eyes as he slammed his hips to mine, cracking the very foundation of my soul.

  I hated myself for every one of those sensations, and I hated him for leaving me a trembling mess.

  My father turned toward me and took a deep breath. I was still staring at the same spot, unable to move for fear of breaking into a million tiny shards.

  “Are you okay?”

  My high pitched laugh said it all, and he crossed, offering a hug. I took it, needing the reassurance that love without expectations existed. “Why? Why would he come here?” The words escaped, wrapped with a tremble that gave away my fragile state.

  “I don’t know, honey,” he said and pulled away. “But I don’t think he’ll be back.”

  “Good.” I drew a breath in and let it out, repeating until I had a grip enough to follow my father back into the family room. I don’t even know what was on television and at nine, I excused myself.

  The phone rang and I stared at it, certain it was him. I almost didn’t answer it but my hand had other ideas and I pulled the receiver to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey,” Rob’s voice settled over the line and I exhaled, thankful it wasn’t Eric. I wasn’t sure I could handle hearing his voice.

  “Hey,” I whispered.

  “Just called to see how you were doing?”

  “I’m a fucking mess,” I said and slung my arm over my eyes, like the physical barrier of skin could stop the tears.

  “Why? What happened?”

  “He came by tonight.”

  “He, like, in that asshole he?”

  “Yeah. My father answered the door and told him to go, but I got a good look and I don’t think he understands what the fuck he did to me.”