No Second Chances

by Marissa Farrar

  Taylor was with her.

  Jasmine took one look at me and her face crumpled. She pulled me into her arms, and I sobbed on her shoulder. “Oh, Gabi, honey. I’m so sorry. I heard what happened. What a total jerk.”

  “That … that’s the thing, though,” I managed to say between hiccupped sobs. “He’s not a jerk. I don’t know what’s come over him. It was like that wasn’t Cole speaking back there.”

  “Sweetie, it was Cole. Unless he’s been taken over by aliens, which I think is highly unlikely, it was definitely Cole.”

  I knew she was trying to coax a smile out of me, but it refused to come.

  “Gabi,” said Taylor, though I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what she had to say. “Cole is trouble. He’s a heartbreaker. We’ve told you that from the start.”

  I wanted to retort back that she would have been quite happy to jump into his pants herself if I’d stepped back, but I didn’t want to fight with her as well right now. I needed support, not another argument. I got that she didn’t like Cole, but at the same time I knew the main reason was because he liked me, not her. Or at least he had.

  I sniffed. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.” I agreed with her to keep the peace, but I didn’t believe what I was saying for a second. Something had happened. I was sure of it. Perhaps I was just in denial, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe Cole had only used me for sex.

  We stood together, creating a little circle while my friends rubbed my back in comfort. “Do you want to go to class?” Jasmine asked me, her tone doubtful.

  I shook my head. There was no way I was going to hang around school now. Everyone would be talking, and besides, I looked a mess. I’d never been a pretty crier, and right now my whole face felt swollen, my eyes red, and my nose so bunged up I couldn’t even breathe out of it.

  “I’m going to skip class. I’ll head home.”

  “Are you going to be all right on your own?” Taylor asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m going to go to bed with a pint of ice-cream and listen to sad music for the rest of the afternoon.”

  Jasmine gave a tight smile. “That’s my girl.”

  The truth was, I didn’t intend on hiding under my covers. I wanted to see Cole again and find out what was really happening. I loved him with every single cell in my body, and I knew he felt the same way about me.

  I needed to see him so he would tell me the truth.

  ***

  Perhaps it was a bit stalkerish, but I decided to hang out on the street corner a block from Cole’s foster parents’ house. I knew he would need to come home at some point, and I was willing to wait it out. We needed to be able to talk in private if I was going to get the truth out of him.

  I was so caught up in my own thoughts, I barely noticed the time go by. I tried to hold back the tears, but every now and then a sob burst through my defenses and I’d discovered my cheeks wet and salty. I didn’t give a single thought to anyone else. The only person I cared about was Cole.

  Finally, I spotted him walking down the street, his hands stuffed in his pockets, his head down so his blond locks fell over his face. I stood, rooted to the spot, hoping he would notice me and come running, saying how sorry he was and covering my face in kisses. Perhaps I was pathetic for being there, and still desperately wanting him despite what he’d said, but he meant everything to me and the thought of a future with him not in it felt like I might as well just tear my heart out and lie down on the sidewalk to die.

  But Cole didn’t notice me, and, if I wasn’t careful, he’d disappear inside the house. Then I’d have to go and knock on the door, and my presence would be noticed by the rest of his foster family. I didn’t want to have to speak to anyone else.

  “Cole?” I called out, stepping out into the street so he would see me.

  He stopped dead and his head snapped around to face me. His expression was strained, his face tight, and crazily he appeared thinner than he had earlier in the day, his skin paler. The cocky, blasé attitude had vanished, and instead he just appeared stressed and worried. Something was wrong. I knew it was. I’d known it from the moment he’d opened his mouth that afternoon.

  “What’s happened?” I asked him, my gaze searching his face.

  “Please, just go home, Gabi. You can’t be around me anymore.”

  “Why not? Please, tell me the truth, Cole.”

  He shook his head, not even looking directly at me. “Just go home.”

  “No.” I was resolute. “I’ll sit on your damn doorstep until you tell me what’s happening. I don’t believe you want us to break up for one second.”

  “We don’t always get what we want in life.”

  I stared at him. “That’s not good enough.”

  “Listen to me, Gabi. Being with me will get you hurt. Do you understand? Whether I want to or not, I will end up hurting you, and I can’t let that happen. From now on, we’re over. Just go and get on with your life, and leave me alone.”

  I was baffled, hurt, frustrated, and angry.

  “Let’s go and get a coffee and talk about this,” I said, grasping onto straws.

  “I can’t. I have stuff to do.”

  “Tomorrow, then, after school?” I offered, thinking the next twenty-four hours would be hell, but that I was willing to wait it out if it meant I got to spend time with Cole again.

  But he shook his head. “I have somewhere I need to be tomorrow.”

  What on earth could be more important than talking about our relationship?

  “Where do you need to be?”

  His gaze shifted from side to side, his sneaker scuffing the sidewalk. “I’ve got to move some gear for the band.”

  My stomach lurched. “Is that what this is about? Is Ryan giving you a hard time about me?”

  Alarm brightened his eyes and the certainty Ryan had said something about me grew deeper. “No,” he said. “I just have to move some stuff, that’s all.”

  “Fine. I’ll come with you.”

  He flung his arms up in the air, startling me so I reared back. “For fuck’s sake, Gabi. Why don’t you listen? I’ve told you I don’t love you. I’ve told you I don’t want you around anymore. Why won’t you listen to me?”

  “No.” I said, stubborn, tears rolling down my face. “No, no, no.”

  He grabbed me by the upper arms, not pushing me, but giving me a shake. He’d never touched me in anything other than affection before, and his reaction shocked me.

  “I don’t want you involved, Gabi,” he hissed at me, his face in mine. “Ryan’s got me doing stuff for him, and I don’t do as he asks, he’s going to ruin you. So please, I need you out of this situation. You are the only thing he has over me. I couldn’t give a shit about anything else.”

  I stared at him in horror. “So let him! I don’t care.”

  “Well, I care, which is why I need you to get away from me.”

  “What’s he got you doing for him? Is it illegal?”

  His lack of an answer confirmed what I needed to know.

  “Jesus, Cole. Please, whatever it is he’s making you do, just tell him no. I don’t care what he does to me. Just get the hell away from him.”

  He shook his head. “No, Gabi. You’re the one who needs to get the hell away from me. I won’t say it again. Leave me alone.”

  And with that, he turned and stormed back to his house, leaving me standing alone in the road, tears streaming down my face.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Gabi – Present day

  A couple of days after bumping into Ryan again, I was surprised to get a call from Jasmine. I’d not heard from either of my old friends since they’d come to the house, and Jas asked if I’d like to meet them for lunch in a little bistro in town. My first instinct was to say no, but Cole was working, and I didn’t have anywhere else to be. I needed to get out with other people more. This bubble Cole and I had created was bliss, but it wasn’t realistic. We couldn’t live like this forever.

  I was feeling g
uilty about not telling Cole I’d bumped into Ryan again, but I didn’t want Cole trying to make contact with his old band-mate. The last thing I wanted was the two of them becoming friends again. Cole was far better off without the likes of Ryan in his life.

  Now I was on my way downtown, to meet my two ex-best friends.

  I arrived at the bistro feeling nervous. It was silly to be anxious around women I’d known for fifteen years, but they still didn’t know about Cole, and I hadn’t yet decided if I would tell them. I guessed I worried they would tell me I was making a huge mistake. I wouldn’t blame them if they did. They’d witnessed the fallout when we’d been teenagers—though Taylor couldn’t say much about that—but I knew their disapproval may also be because Cole was essentially an ex-con. They’d give voice to all the worries that had been flitting around my head, and I really didn’t want to hear them. The best thing to do was simply keep my mouth shut, but he filled my thoughts constantly, his name ready to slip off my tongue at any moment.

  Jasmine and Taylor were already sitting at a table near the back of the restaurant. The girl working as hostess showed me over, and both women stood to kiss my cheek as I arrived at the table.

  “Wow, you’re looking amazing,” said Jasmine. “Seriously. Your skin is glowing.”

  I blushed. “Thanks.”

  Taylor nodded. “You look like you’ve lost a ton of weight as well. What’s your secret?”

  Mind-blowing sex every night, sometimes twice a night, I wanted to say, but couldn’t.

  “Oh, I’ve been walking a lot,” I said instead. “I’m up to about four miles a day.”

  Jasmine smiled at me encouragingly. “That’s great. It’s really working for you.”

  I ducked my head into the menu so they wouldn’t read the secret on my face. “Have you guys ordered yet?”

  Taylor shook her head. “We were waiting for you, but I recommend the chicken Caesar salad. It’s delicious.”

  “Sounds good.”

  The waitress came over and took our orders. We went for a bottle of sauvignon blanc to accompany our meals. I was starting to relax.

  “So what have you two been up to since I last saw you?” I asked, wanting to divert attention away from myself.

  Jasmine shrugged. “Absolutely nothing. Work, sleep, repeat. My life is boring as hell.”

  Taylor hunched up her shoulders and leaned over the table. “Well, I’ve got some gossip,” she said, all conspiratorial. “You’ll never guess who I spent the evening with the other night.”

  “Who?” Jasmine asked, slipping into her co-conspirator role easily.

  “Only a certain Cole Devonport.”

  If she’d punched me in the stomach, I wouldn’t have felt more winded. My breath tightened in my chest, and a sickening dread clutched my heart.

  Jasmine glanced at me, suddenly gone from playful to awkward. “Taylor …” she said, her tone warning.

  Taylor, clearly as self-centered now as she’d always been, fluttered her eyelashes and gave a shrug. “Oh, sorry, Gabi. You don’t mind, do you? I mean, it’s been over ten years now since you two were a thing.”

  The world spun around me, and I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come out. Seemingly oblivious to my discomfort, she continued with her story. “So, it was the other week when I went out with Poppy to meet that guy she’d been talking to online. She didn’t want to go alone, understandably, but he didn’t show up and she hooked up with someone else anyway …”

  Taylor babbled away, while I tried not to throw up.

  “Anyway,” she continued, “Cole was at the bar and recognized me right away and offered to buy me a drink. Let’s just say, one drink led to another, and the next thing I know, we’re making out like a couple of kids in the front of my car.” She looked to me and winked, “I’ve got say, Gabi, I can see what got you all hot and bothered about him all those years ago. He’s not exactly small below the waistline.” She giggled.

  I couldn’t hear any more. I stood up, awkwardly, my chair falling back. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

  The room was closing in, blood rushing through my ears.

  I heard Jasmine say, “Jesus, Taylor,” as I staggered from the restaurant, and Taylor’s not so innocent reply of, “What did I do?”

  I left the restaurant, but Jasmine chased after me. “Hey, Gabi, wait a minute.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said over my shoulder as I hurried toward the car. “I forgot I had to be somewhere.”

  “Don’t be silly. I’ve known you for how many years? It’s obvious Taylor upset you, again.” She pulled me to a halt and studied my face as I tried to hold back tears. “It was a long time ago, though. I didn’t think you’d still have feelings for him.”

  I shook my head, unable to speak, and understanding dawned on her pretty face. “Oh!” Her eyes widened. “You and Cole hooked back up again?”

  How could I tell her it was so much more than that? What we had wasn’t just a hook up. I’d thought it was the real thing—a true love that would keep us together until we were old and grey. Clearly, Cole didn’t feel the same way. In my mind, I tried to piece together the dates. Had it been before we’d first had sex again, or after? I hated the idea that he’d touched her first, but also hated the idea of him cheating on me after as well. It was as though she’d come in and tainted everything that had happened over the past few weeks. If only it had been anyone but her.

  “I have to go,” I said, turning and hurrying away again. I didn’t want her to see me crying.

  I wanted to see Cole, but at the same time I couldn’t stand to look at him. Had he been there for me, holding me when I’d been struggling with everything, while all the time knowing he’d been with her? The images of them together filled my head, the thought of his tongue in her mouth, and him pushing inside her. Had his fingers been inside her, too? The same fingers that had stroked my hair and face, and told me he’d take care of me and that I’d never be alone again.

  I felt sick.

  I just wanted to get away from there. I wanted to run home, shut my door, and never open it again.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Gabi - Eleven Years Earlier

  I burst through my front door, tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t believe what was going on with Cole. He’d never laid a finger on me before, and tonight he’d frightened me. I didn’t like seeing that side of him—it made me wonder how much further he would go. Plus, it made me feel like I didn’t really know him at all—something that broke my heart as much as the awful things he’d said to me. If I didn’t really know him, then the past couple of months were nothing but a lie.

  I ran up the stairs to my bedroom, my feet pounding on the treads. My dad was home, but I couldn’t face him right now. I just wanted to be on my own. In fact, I didn’t think I’d ever want to face anyone ever again, especially after my humiliation at school. But I was worried about Cole as much as devastated by how he’d treated me. I’d never liked Ryan, and after he’d come on to me, it didn’t surprise me in the slightest that Ryan had used me to threaten Cole. I also didn’t doubt Ryan’s threats were true. I bet that bastard would do anything to get back at me for stomping on his foot and running away that day.

  I threw myself on my bed, tears pouring down my face. Despite wanting to be left alone, I heard my dad’s feet coming up the stairs after me. He must be worried about me, too, and honestly, right at that moment I just wanted to be a little girl in my dad’s arms again, and not have to worry about all the bullshit that came with being older.

  A knock came at the door, and then it opened a crack. “Gabi, honey? What’s happened?”

  I turned from him and buried my face in the pillow. “Nothing. I just want to be left alone.”

  His footsteps crossed the room, and the bed dipped with his weight as he sat on the edge. “I’m not going to leave you on your own when you’re so upset about something. Now you might as well tell me what’s happening, because you know I’m going to
get it out of you at some point.”

  “Please, Dad, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Gabi, if Cole has done something to upset you, I want to know. I’m not going to go all crazy, but I want to be able to support you. I love you more than anyone else in this world, and I want you to be able to confide in me.”

  The truth was, I wanted my dad, too. I was hurt and confused, and worried to death about what Cole was getting himself into.

  My dad had a way of getting the truth out of people—I guessed that was why he did the job he did.

  I wiped my face and sat up. I stared down at my hands in my lap. “Cole said he doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Do you want me to go and break his kneecaps?”

  I gave a forced bark of laughter. “No, Dad, of course not.”

  “I thought the two of you were really close.”

  “That’s the thing, we are. I’m worried about him, Dad. He’s gotten himself caught up in something with the guys he plays in the band with, and he thinks by breaking up with me, he’s protecting me, somehow.”

  He frowned. “What sort of thing?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. He’s been borrowing his foster parents’ truck and heading off to places, though. I don’t know if it’s connected, but he’s been acting strangely ever since it started. I’m so worried about him.” Tears were close again. Cole had made me believe whatever he was doing was illegal, but I didn’t plan on telling my dad that. I knew how he felt about Cole being caught up with the band. I just wanted some advice from him about where to go from here.

  “I have to admit that I’m pleased to see you out of it, Gabi. You know how I felt about those boys.”

  “Dad, please. I don’t need a lecture. I just need to know what I’m supposed to do about Cole.”

  “I don’t want you doing anything. It’s not your place. He’s still under his foster family’s roof for the moment, so they should be the ones to handle whatever trouble he’s gotten himself into, not you.” He thought for a moment and then said, “Would it help if I had a word with him?”