PS, I Love You: A Novel

by Cecelia Ahern

“No not at all,” he said, winking at Holly, “I just passed Holly on the street and told her I’d give her a lift …”

  “Yeah right,” she said sarcastically, linking arms with Holly as they walked toward the car. “Well, you certainly gave me a lift anyway.” She smiled at her friend.

  “So what did they say?” Holly asked, squeezing herself forward between the two front seats from the back of the car like an excited little child. “What is it?”

  “Well, you’ll never believe this, Holly.” Sharon twisted around in her chair and matched her friend’s excitement. “The doctor told me that … and I believe him because apparently he’s one of the best … anyway he told me …”

  “Come on!” Holly urged her on, dying to hear.

  “He says it’s a baby!”

  Holly rolled her eyes. “Ha-ha. What I mean is, is it a boy or a girl?”

  “It’s an it for now. They’re not too sure yet.”

  “Would you want to know what ‘it’ is if they could tell you?”

  Sharon scrunched her nose up. “I don’t know actually, I haven’t figured that out yet.” She looked across at John and the two of them shared a secret smile.

  A familiar pang of jealousy hit Holly and she sat quietly while she let it pass until the excitement returned. The three of them headed back to Holly’s house. She and Sharon weren’t quite ready to leave each other again after just making up. They had so much to talk about. Sitting around Holly’s kitchen table, they made up for lost time.

  “Sharon, Holly went for a job interview today,” John said when he finally managed to get a word in edgewise.

  “Ooh really? I didn’t know you were job-hunting already!”

  “Gerry’s new mission for me,” Holly smiled.

  “Oh, was that what it was this month? I was just dying to know! So how did it go?”

  Holly grimaced and held her head in her hands. “Oh it was awful, Sharon. I made a total fool of myself.”

  “Really?” Sharon giggled. “What was the job?”

  “Selling advertising space for that magazine, X.”

  “Ooh, that’s cool, I read that at work all the time.”

  “Don’t think I know that one, what kind of magazine is it?” John asked.

  “Oh, it kind of has everything in it: fashion, sports, culture, food, reviews … everything really.”

  “And adverts,” Holly joked.

  “Well, it won’t have such good adverts if Holly Kennedy isn’t working for them,” she said kindly.

  “Thanks, but I really don’t think I will be working there.”

  “Why, what was so wrong with the interview? You can’t have been that bad.” Sharon looked intrigued as she reached for the pot of tea.

  “Oh, I think it’s bad when the interviewer asks if you have any experience working on a magazine or newspaper and you tell him you once printed up a newsletter for a shitty company.” Holly banged her head playfully off the kitchen table.

  Sharon burst out laughing. “Newsletter? I hope you weren’t referring to that crappy little leaflet that you printed up on the computer to advertise that dive of a company?”

  John and Sharon howled with laughter.

  “Ah well, it was advertising the company …” Holly trailed off and giggled, feeling even more embarrassed.

  “Remember, you made us all go out and post them around people’s houses in the pissing rain and the freezing cold! It took us days to do!”

  “Hey, I remember that,” John laughed. “Remember, you sent me and Gerry out to post hundreds of them one night?” He kept on laughing.

  “Yeah?” Holly was afraid to hear what came next.

  “Well, we shoved them in the skip at the back of Bob’s pub and went in for a few pints.” He kept on laughing at the memory of it and Holly’s mouth dropped open.

  “You sly little bastards!” she laughed. “Because of you two the company went bust and I lost my job!”

  “Oh, I’d say it went bust the minute people took a look at those leaflets, Holly,” Sharon teased. “Anyway, that place was a kip. You used to moan about it every day.”

  “Just one of the jobs Holly moaned about,” John joked. But he was right.

  “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t have moaned about this one,” she said sadly.

  “There’s plenty more jobs out there,” Sharon reassured her, “you just need to brush up on your interview skills.”

  “Tell me about it.” Holly stabbed away at the sugar bowl with a spoon.

  They sat in silence for a while.

  “You published a newsletter,” John repeated a few minutes later, still laughing at the thought of it.

  “Shut up, you,” Holly cringed. “Hey, what else did you and Gerry get up to that I don’t know about?” she demanded.

  “Ah, a true friend never reveals secrets,” John teased, and his eyes danced with the memories.

  But something had been unlocked. And after Holly and Sharon threatened to beat some stories out of him, Holly learned more about her husband that night that she never knew. For the first time since Gerry had died, the three of them laughed and laughed all night, and Holly learned how to finally be able to talk about her husband. It used to be that the four of them gathered together; Holly, Gerry, Sharon and John. This time only three of them gathered to remember the one they lost. And with all their talk, he became alive for them all that night. Soon they would be four again, with the arrival of Sharon and John’s baby.

  Life went on.

  Thirty-six

  THAT SUNDAY RICHARD CALLED OUT to visit Holly with the kids. She had told him he was welcome to bring them by whenever it was his day with them. They played outside in the garden while Richard and Holly finished off their dinner and watched them through the patio doors.

  “They seem really happy, Richard,” Holly said, watching them playing.

  “Yes they do, don’t they?” He smiled as he watched them chasing each other around. “I want things to be as normal for them as possible. They don’t quite understand what’s going on, and it’s difficult to explain.”

  “What have you told them?”

  “Oh, that Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore and that I moved away so that we can be happier. Something along those lines.”

  “And they’re OK with that?”

  Her brother nodded slowly. “Timothy is OK but Emily is worried that we might stop loving her and that she will have to move away.” He glanced up at Holly, his eyes sad.

  Poor Emily, Holly thought, watching her dancing around with her scary-looking doll. She couldn’t believe that she was having this conversation with Richard. He seemed like a totally different person these days. Or perhaps it was Holly who had changed; she seemed to have a higher tolerance for him now, she found it easier to ignore his annoying little comments, and there were still many of them. But then again, they now had something in common. They both understood what it was like to feel lonely and unsure of themselves.

  “How’s everything going at Mum and Dad’s house?”

  Richard swallowed a forkful of potato and nodded, “Good. They’re being extremely generous.”

  “Ciara bothering you at all?” She felt like she was questioning her child after he returned home from his first day of school, wanting to know if the other kids had bullied him or treated him well. But lately she felt so protective of Richard. It helped her to help him; it gave her strength.

  “Ciara is … Ciara,” he smiled. “We don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t worry about that,” Holly said, trying to stab a piece of pork with her fork. “The majority of the world wouldn’t see eye to eye with her either.” Her fork finally made contact with the pork and she sent it flying off her plate and through the air, where it landed on the kitchen counter at the far side of the room.

  “And they say pigs don’t fly,” Richard remarked as Holly crossed the room to retrieve the piece of meat.

  Holly giggled, “Hey Richa
rd you made a funny!”

  He looked pleased with himself. “I have my moments too, I suppose,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “Although I’m sure you think I don’t have many of them.”

  Holly sat back down in her seat slowly, trying to decide how to phrase what she was going to say. “We’re all different, Richard. Ciara is slightly eccentric, Declan is a dreamer, Jack is a joker, I’m … well, I don’t know what I am. But you were always very controlled. Straight and serious. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, we’re all just different.”

  “You’re very thoughtful,” Richard said after a long silence.

  “Pardon?” Holly asked, feeling confused. To cover her embarrassment she stuffed her face with another mouthful of food.

  “I’ve always thought you were very thoughtful,” he repeated.

  “When?” Holly asked incredulously, through her mouthful.

  “Well, I wouldn’t be sitting here eating dinner with the kids running around having fun outside if you weren’t thoughtful now, but I was actually referring to when we were children.”

  “I don’t think so, Richard,” Holly said, shaking her head. “Jack and I were always so awful to you,” she said softly.

  “You weren’t always awful, Holly.” He gave her an amused smile. “Anyway, that’s what brothers and sisters are for, to make each other’s lives as difficult as possible for each other as they grow up. It forms a great basis for life, toughens you up. Anyway, I was the bossy older brother.”

  “So how does that make me thoughtful?” Holly asked, feeling she had completely missed the point.

  “You idolized Jack. You used to follow him around all the time and you would do exactly what he told you to do.” He started laughing. “I used to hear him telling you to say things to me and you would run into my room terrified and blurt them out and run away again.”

  Holly looked at her plate feeling embarrassed. She and Jack used to play terrible tricks on him.

  “But you always came back,” Richard continued. “You would always creep back into my room silently and watch me working at my desk, and I knew that was your way of saying sorry.” He smiled at her. “So that makes you thoughtful. None of our siblings had a conscience in that house of ours. Not even me. You were the only one, always the sensitive one.”

  He continued eating his dinner and Holly sat in silence, trying to absorb all the information he had given her. She didn’t remember idolizing Jack, but when she thought about it she supposed Richard was right. Jack was her funny, cool, good-looking big brother who had loads of friends, and Holly used to beg him to let her play with them. She supposed she still felt that way about him; if he called her right now and asked her to go out she would drop everything and go, and she had never even realized that before. However, she was spending far more time with Richard than with Jack these days. Jack had always been her favorite brother; Gerry had always gotten along with Jack the best. It was Jack who Gerry would choose to go out for drinks with during the week, not Richard; it was Jack who Gerry would insist on sitting beside at a family dinner. However Gerry was gone, and although Jack rang her every now and then, he wasn’t around as much as he used to be. Had Holly held Jack up on too much of a pedestal? She realized then that she had been making excuses for him every time he didn’t call around or phone her when he said he would. In fact, she had been making excuses for him ever since Gerry had died.

  Richard had, lately, managed to give Holly a regular intake of food for thought. She watched him remove his serviette from his collar and was interested as he folded it into a neat little square with perfect right angles. He obsessively straightened whatever was on the table so that everything was facing the right way in an orderly fashion. For all Richard’s good qualities, which she recognized now, Holly could not live with a man like that at all.

  They both jumped as they heard a thump from outside and saw little Emily lying on the ground in floods of tears while a shocked-looking Timmy watched. Richard leapt out of his chair and hurried outside.

  “But she just fell, Daddy, I didn’t do anything!” she heard Timmy plead with his father. Poor Timmy. She rolled her eyes as she watched Richard dragging him by the arm and ordering him to stand in the corner to think about what he had done. Some people would never really change, she thought wryly.

  The next day Holly jumped around the house ecstatically as she replayed the message on the answering machine for the third time.

  “Hi Holly,” came the gruff voice. “This is Chris Feeney here from magazine X. I’m just calling to say that I was very impressed with your interview. Em …” He stalled a bit. “Well, I wouldn’t normally say this on an answering machine, but no doubt you’ll be delighted to know that I’ve decided to welcome you as a new member of the team. I would love you to start as soon as possible, so call me on the usual number when you get a chance and we’ll discuss it further. Em … Good-bye.”

  Holly rolled around her bed in terrified delight and pressed the PLAY button again. She had aimed for the moon … and she had now landed!

  Thirty-seven

  HOLLY STARED UP AT THE tall Georgian building and her body tingled with excitement. It was her first day of work and she felt good times were ahead of her in this building. It was situated in the center of town, and the busy offices of magazine X were on the second floor above a small café. Holly had gotten very little sleep the night before due to nerves and excitement all rolled into one; however, she didn’t feel the same dread that she usually felt before starting a new job. She had phoned Mr. Feeney back immediately (after listening to his voice message another three times) and then she had shared the news with her family and friends. They had been ecstatic when they heard the news, and just before she left the house that morning she had received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her parents congratulating her and wishing her luck on her first day.

  She felt like she was starting her first day at school and had gone shopping for new pens, a new notepad, a folder and a new briefcase that made her look extra intelligent. But although she had felt excited when she sat down to eat her breakfast, she had also felt sad. Sad that Gerry wasn’t there to share her new start. They had performed a little ritual every time Holly started a new job, which was quite a regular occurrence. Gerry would wake Holly up with breakfast in bed and then he would pack her bag with ham and cheese sandwiches, an apple, a packet of crisps and a bar of chocolate. Then he would drive her into work on her first day, call her on her lunch break to see if the other kids in the office were playing nicely, and return at the end of the day to collect her and bring her home. Then they would sit together over dinner and he would listen and laugh as Holly explained all the different characters in her office and once again grumble about how she hated going to work. Mind you, they only ever did that on her first day, every other day they would tumble out of bed late as usual, race each other to the shower and then wander around the kitchen half asleep, grumbling at each other while they grabbed a quick cup of coffee to help them get started. They would give each other a kiss good-bye and go their separate ways for the day. And then they would start all over again the next day. If Holly had known their time would be so precious, she wouldn’t have bothered carrying out all those tedious routines day after day …

  This morning, however, had been a very different scenario. She awoke to an empty house in an empty bed to no breakfast. She didn’t have to fight for her right to use the shower first and the kitchen was quiet without the sound of his fits of morning sneezes. She had allowed herself to imagine that when she woke up Gerry would miraculously be there to greet her because it was tradition and such a special day that it wouldn’t feel right without him. But with death there were no exceptions. Gone meant gone.

  Now, poised at the entrance, Holly checked herself to see that her fly wasn’t undone, her jacket wasn’t tucked into her knickers and her shirt buttons were fastened properly. Satisfied that she looked presentable, she made her way up the wooden staircase to her new
office. She entered the waiting room area and the secretary she recognized from the interview came from around the desk to meet her.

  “Hi Holly,” she said happily, shaking her hand, “welcome to our humble abode.” She held her hands up to display the room. Holly had liked this woman from the moment she had met her at the interview. She looked to be about the same age as Holly and had long blond hair and a face that seemed to be always happy and smiling.

  “I’m Alice by the way, and I work out here in reception as you know. Well, I’ll bring you to the boss man now. He’s waiting for you.”

  “God, I’m not late, am I?” Holly asked, worriedly glancing at her watch. She had left the house early to beat the traffic and she had given herself plenty of time to avoid being late on her first day.

  “No, you’re not at all,” Alice said, leading her down to Mr. Feeney’s office. “Don’t mind Chris and all the other lot, they’re all workaholics. They need to get themselves a life, bless them. You wouldn’t see me hanging around here anytime after six, that’s for sure.”

  Holly laughed; Alice reminded her of her former self.

  “By the way, don’t feel that you have to come in early and stay late just because they do. I think Chris actually lives in his office, so you’ll never compete with that. The man isn’t normal,” she said loudly, tapping on his door lightly and leading her in.

  “Who’s not normal?” Mr. Feeney asked gruffly, standing up from his chair and stretching.

  “You.” Alice smiled and closed the door behind her.

  “See how my staff treat me?” Mr. Feeney laughed, approaching Holly and holding out his hand to greet her. His handshake was once again warm and welcoming, and Holly felt immediately at ease with the atmosphere between the workers.

  “Thank you for hiring me, Mr. Feeney,” Holly said genuinely.

  “You can call me Chris, and there’s no need to thank me. Right, why don’t you follow me and I’ll show you around the place.” He started leading her down the hall. The walls were covered by framed covers of every X magazine that had been published for the last twenty years.