Hamish and the GravityBurp

by Danny Wallace

  ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘At least it’s sunny.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ yelled Clover. ‘This is horrible weather!’

  Hamish scrunched up his nose.

  ‘It’s glorious!’ he said, turning around.

  ‘It’s dreadful!’ shouted Clover, furious. ‘Why are we even standing outside?’

  Hamish looked at Clover properly. She was shivering, her beard long and soggy, her little arms up in the air trying to both fight off the rain and pull her sea captain’s hat down. Fat raindrops thundered down all around her. But Hamish was standing in perfectly calm weather.

  ‘How is that possible?’ said Hamish, almost to himself.

  At the front of the boat, it was like summer. At the back, a shivering Clover was getting battered by cold winds and fearful storms.

  ‘Whoa!’ said Buster, standing between them. He looked at Hamish in the sun. He looked at Clover in the rain. ‘Clo, get over here with us!’

  ‘It’s like a weather force field,’ said Elliot, as Clover stepped into the sunshine. ‘One side rainy, one side sunny.’ He clicked his fingers. ‘That rain and those storms were put there, to keep people away!’

  The Superiors!

  That meant one thing.

  ‘We must be close,’ said Hamish.

  ‘There!’ yelled Venk, from the cabin above, with just a hint of trepidation in his voice. ‘There it is!’

  And at the end of a rainbow that started very colourfully, but grew darker and blacker as it dipped towards the horizon, was the fearful enemy island of FRYKT.

  FRYKT!

  Did you know that FRYKT is a Scandinavian word?

  It means . . .

  FEAR.

  None of the PDF spoke any Scandinavian languages. It wasn’t really a main priority in Winterbourne School, any more than learning the History of Wood or Lemon Studies.

  In many ways, this was lucky. Because had the PDF known they’d be taking a small tugboat to a place which is essentially called ‘FEAR ISLAND’, it is very likely indeed that they might have decided to do something else instead. Like anything else. Even Lemon Studies.

  Hamish stared at the island. It looked even worse in real life than it had through the Holonow.

  As the gang allowed their little boat to drift closer, furious waves crashed against sharp black rocks. Unfamiliar grey birds, with long tongues and cruel eyes, strutted by the shoreline, like watchmen overseeing the whoosh of the breaking tide. Cold water now sprayed in the air, carried on a sharp, bone-chilling wind that whistled around them, whipping Alice’s hair and rocking the tug.

  There didn’t seem to be much in the way of trees. Or grass. Or bushes. There was almost no colour whatsoever. It was like looking at an old film. A fog hung low in the air, and the whole place felt weighed down by a misty grey ceiling.

  ‘Maybe it’s not so bad when you’re actually on the island,’ suggested Clover, eyebrows raised. ‘Maybe there’s a corner shop, or a lovely deli.’

  She was trying to look on the bright side. But this seemed like a place that had no bright side. A place that was always dark. But in a way it reminded Hamish of the video they’d seen of Venus, covered in gases that hid the truth of what was really going on on the surface. Maybe Clover was on to something. Though it probably didn’t have a deli.

  ‘Hey, what do you mean, “when you’re actually on the island”?’ said Venk, wiping sea spray from his sunnies. ‘We’re not going on the island, are we? I thought we were just taking a look from the water?’

  ‘That was the plan, but . . . ?’ said Alice, glancing at Hamish to see if what she was about to suggest was on his mind too.

  ‘We can’t see much from here. We should look around. I’ll go,’ said Hamish. ‘Alice, will you please come with me?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ said Alice, determined, smiling at her brave friend.

  Sometimes you can say brave things because you know it’s the right thing to do. But even as they leave your mouth it’s like you’re hearing someone else say them. At least getting all the way to FRYKT to scope things out would impress Dad, decided Hamish, even though he was still a little apprehensive about this place. I mean – look at it.

  ‘You guys stay here and keep the boat running,’ said Hamish.

  ‘But what if you bump into a Superior?’ said Elliot. ‘We don’t know what they look like and if we don’t know what they look like how will you know to avoid them?’

  Elliot had a point. I mean, they knew who their enemies were by name. But they didn’t know where they were, or what they looked like, or what they were capable of. They could be as big as a house. They might be able to leap whole buildings. Maybe they were invisible. Perhaps they’d look like toadstools, or enormous fanged mice, or like little green aliens from comics. What if they had big metal fists capable of crushing a little boy with the click of a big metal finger? What if they were just a big bunch of teeth scuttling around on some feet?

  ‘That’s exactly why we have to find out more,’ said Alice. ‘We need to know what we’re up against if we’re to save the world from whatever we’re up against! And we need to know how to stop these GravityBurps!’

  ‘One problem,’ said Hamish, staring out at the stormy, choppy waters that stood between them and FRYKT. ‘How do we get onto the island?’

  Buster smiled.

  ‘These are AMAZING!’ said Alice, bouncing over a tall wave, feeling the spray on her face and grinning widely.

  They certainly were. Buster had indeed made some adjustments to the PDF’s mopeds. He’d attached water skis to the bottom and created a sort of moped jet ski. A mo-ski!

  ‘Whooooaaaa!’ said Hamish, who was yet to find his sea legs, and was already completely soaked. He kept slipping and spinning the jet ski round in tiny little circles.

  ‘Come on!’ said Alice, revving hard, a plume of water rising in the air behind her.

  As the two kids buzzed away from the tug, and their friends got smaller and smaller, a mist rolled across the waves in front of them.

  They shot through it – WHOOF! – and began to slow.

  Around the edges of FRYKT, a thin sheet of ice cracked and splintered on the water. The jet skis silently glided onto it, sending those strange birds flap-flap-flapping into the fog above. Hamish and Alice found themselves on dry land.

  Well, actually moist black land with the look of freshly turned soil. But you know what I mean.

  They climbed off the mopeds and their feet sank into the ground as they walked. It was like a different planet.

  ‘Which way?’ asked Alice, shivering. The temperature seemed to have plummeted as soon as they landed on the island.

  Hamish looked at The Explorer.

  The hands were pointing north-east.

  But the watch wasn’t glowing green any more.

  It was like even The Explorer was wary of what was to come.

  As the wind rose, the fog around them moved away for a second and Hamish caught sight of something and pointed.

  ‘I think it’s a sign,’ he said.

  ‘A sign?’ said Alice, looking around. ‘Of what?’

  ‘No,’ said Hamish, and he smiled. ‘I think it’s an actual sign . . .’

  I Saw the Sign

  Hamish felt a little weak at the knees.

  This was a big deal.

  If there was one thing he knew about a sign, it was that it meant that somewhere behind it there must be something worth seeing.

  And if one said: . . . well, that just went double.

  ‘That’s what we head for,’ said Hamish. ‘The place where there’s nothing to see.’

  ‘Sounds like Starkley,’ joked Alice.

  The further they walked over craggy rocks, keeping low as they reached the brow of any hill, the louder and more intimidating a strange noise became.

  It was like a VOOOOOOOV.

  It just kept happening.

  VOOOOV VOOOOV VOOOOOV.

  The sort of noise you might imagine a
wind farm makes, or a giant windmill. Regular, steady, loud and with the kind of power behind it that made your fringe flip and every hair on your arm stand to attention.

  What if that was the noise of a Superior?

  ‘Where’s it coming from?’ asked Alice, as the noise grew louder.

  ‘Yuk,’ said Hamish. ‘Look at this . . .’

  It was a black cactus – a blacktus. The plants on this island were horrible, as if nature itself didn’t want visitors. The blacktus was tall, thick, waxy, spiky and whatever the other Spice Girl was called. A whole minefield of awful, sharp blackti stood rigid behind it.

  ‘We’ll have to go around,’ said Alice, taking charge and pulling Hamish by the hand.

  ‘Wait,’ said Hamish, as they reached another small hill. ‘Alice, not so fast!’

  He could smell something. A putrid, pungent smell. The sort of smell that hits the back of your head with a thump. And it was a worryingly familiar smell . . .

  Hamish clambered up a small hill, and peeked over the top.

  ‘Look!’ he said, and Alice peeked over too.

  What they saw was incredible.

  A vast field of Venus spytraps.

  Thousands of them. Tens of thousands of them. Snapping heads, razor-sharp teeth, lolloping, viney arms.

  A world of spytraps, as far as the eye could see.

  It had been scary enough when the seeds had fallen on Starkley. Hamish had thought they’d taken care of the invasion, that it was a one-off. But looking at the field below it was clear that Earth had already been invaded. The seeds that had been brought to FRYKT were being raised. Raised to be an army!

  ‘Those spytraps seem different,’ said Alice, frowning, and she was right.

  Were they asleep? They were swaying gently as the mysterious VOOOOVs rang through the air. These traps seemed docile.

  All that was about to change in a big way, as the smell that still hung in the air grew stronger and the kids held their noses.

  A Terrible came into view.

  The same kind of awful, bilious monsters Alice, Hamish and the rest of the PDF had come up against before. Monstrous, mallevalunt, murderous henchmen!

  The Terrible wiped its tusks and trudged onwards. It was dragging a huge chunk of some kind of meat behind it, the size of an elephant’s leg. The Terrible whistled as it did so, and now all the spytraps were awake all right. The smell must have alerted them. They stood to attention, straining and SNAPPING and spiking at each other.

  The Terrible had a thick whip at its side. It snarled at the spytraps, who were almost barking at it, eagerly, sniffing the meat smell in the air. Hamish and Alice sank lower, trying to remain unseen, as the Terrible felt for its whip and cracked it at the traps, keeping them in line. Then it flung the hunk of meat into the very middle of the field. The traps began to fight each other, CLACK-CLACK-CLACKING away, each one desperate to be fed.

  ‘They’re so hungry,’ whispered Alice, as Hamish watched the Terrible turn around and walk away. ‘That one bit of food isn’t enough for all of them!’

  ‘The Superiors are keeping them hungry,’ he said. ‘Think about how moody you get when you haven’t eaten in a while. You snap at people, don’t you? That’s what they want. They’re starving the traps to keep them mean.’

  Alice shook her head. ‘It’s cruel,’ she said, sadly. ‘It’s like when people mistreat dogs. They’re treating them badly and making them worse.’

  As the traps fought for the scraps of meat, Hamish scanned the horizon.

  More black cacti. More sharp and craggy rocks. But over there, just beyond the field, what was that he could make out in the mist?

  ‘The rope,’ he said. ‘The rope that goes up into nothing!’

  Hamish and Alice knew they had to be very, very careful.

  They’d been brave, stepping onto the island when all they’d promised themselves they’d do would be to take a look from afar.

  And now here they were, right in the middle of an enemy base – surrounded by spytraps and Terribles and who knew what else? One wrong move and they’d be toast!

  But they had to get a closer look at that rope. What was it? Why did it go straight up in the air? Where did it lead? The Holonow had to have shown it to them for a reason, and it was surely key to finding out whatever the Superiors were up to.

  They kept low and moved fast, darting between rocks and jumping over sharp and toothy gaps, or strange, fizzing rock pools. They got closer, until Hamish could look up and see the very fibres of the huge rope on the other side of a hill.

  ‘Up here,’ he said, and pulled Alice alongside him, to where they could hide behind two steaming rocks.

  Below, Terribles were everywhere. Dozens of them. Slanking around, festering about, gorging on meat, drinking bottles of blilk and laughing horribly.

  Another hulked out from a low building, slapping its friends on the back with a wet palm and whispering something urgently.

  Now the atmosphere changed.

  If anything, you could call it an atmos-fear.

  Something was coming. Something so horrible that even the Terribles were scared of it. They tossed away their blilk and stood to attention, only slightly quaking.

  Hamish and Alice held their breath.

  Superior Alert!

  So this was a Superior.

  Enemy of Earth!

  Destroyer of Civilisations!

  I would love to tell you that it had a wonderful, kind face.

  Oh, I would love to tell you that it was tiny, with the lovely smooth fur of a dormouse and a little baseball cap that said ‘Trees are ace!’.

  I would love to tell you it was kind to animals, and looked like an adorable kitten when it smiled, and was holding a direct-debit mandate for a regular standing order to several local charities.

  BUT I CANNOT.

  The first thing you noticed about a Superior was its body.

  Tall.

  Lean.

  Muscular.

  Like a . . . what? An upright dinosaur maybe?

  Only then did you notice its head.

  The head of a Venus spytrap!

  But, instead of being green, its skin was darkest purple, with scales that seemed almost to have lives of their own. They cracked like leather and, on top of it all, the Superior wore a dirty white lab coat, like a slithery reptilian science teacher.

  Its long, thick tail thrashed from side to side and reminded Hamish of a flexible tree trunk, swatting anything in its way to one side. Roots grew from the tip of the tail, scraping at the ground as if they were trying to find somewhere to grow. Urgh!

  As soon as it appeared, the Terribles fell to their fat knees, respectful of their master. They bowed their heads as two more giant Superiors stomped out of the building, growling and making sure no one was making eye contact.

  More Terribles thundered towards the rope now, slowing to kneel in the shadow of whatever lay above. This was a sea of Terribles, and Hamish and Alice trembled as they cowered on the brow of the hill.

  ‘TERRIBLES!’ roared the first Superior. ‘THE TIME IS CLOSE!’

  The Terribles rose to their feet and cheered.

  ‘OUR EXPERIMENTS WITH THE HUMANS OF STARKLEY HAVE SHOWN US THE WAY.’

  The Terribles cheered again, as the second Superior stepped forward.

  ‘Before there was the Before,’ it said. ‘A time when anything seemed possible for us. Only in the Now did the humans begin to fight. Then there will be the Then! And that means an Earth ruled by us!’

  A mighty cheer was followed by the thunder of hundreds of Terribles stamping their feet. Hamish and Alice swapped a fearful glance. They were so outnumbered. They inched closer to one another as the very ground beneath them shook.

  ‘What do you think their plan is?’ said Alice, over the din. ‘What have they got up their sleeves?’

  The of the invisible wind farm continued.

  One of the Superiors stalked over to the giant rope in the centre of the circle, its sp
layed lizard feet scratching white scars in the concrete.

  ‘BEHOLD!’ it roared.

  With one long finger, it pressed a button on a console at the foot of the rope.

  Directly above, the clouds began to clear. The mists parted. The sky brightened.

  Alice and Hamish strained their necks to see what could possibly be above them.

  The noise of the s soared, now, as right up there, right above them, lit by a shaft of golden sunlight, they saw an unbelievable sight.

  ‘An AIRSHIP!’ said Hamish, in awe.

  It reminded him of the opening scene of Star Wars, one of his favourite films to watch with his dad. A massive battleship was revealed moment by moment in the movie and this was what he was seeing now as the clouds continued to part. As the air cleared, he could see it was long and yellowy-white, with eight ginormous turbines ing slowly in the air. There was some kind of gun blaster at the front. It was the most enormous thing Hamish had ever seen.

  The rope that kept the ship tethered to the ground was leaking water. It spurted and trickled and ran. And, now that they were closer, Hamish could see that it wasn’t really a rope at all, but some kind of pipe. Hamish had read about nuclear power, in one of his long lunchtimes in the school library, before strange things had started happening all around him all the time. He remembered that water was needed to cool a nuclear reactor down. This water must be being pumped from the very heart of FRYKT and travelling up to the airship.

  ‘OUR SHOW OF STRENGTH AGAINST STARKLEY HAS PANICKED BELASKO. THEY HAVE MOVED THE NUCLEAR BALL FROM ITS PROTECTIVE BASE. BUT THEY ARE FOOLS! NOW IT IS OUT IN THE OPEN IT WILL BE FAR EASIER TO STEAL AND, WITH IT, OUR SHIP WILL BE CAPABLE OF CREATING THE GREATEST GRAVITATIONAL ANOMALY OF ALL TIME!’ roared the Superior.

  Hamish and Alice looked at each other in alarm. The Superior was talking about a GravityBelch!

  Hamish’s head was spinning. When the GravityBurps were happening, Belasko had thought it was doing the right thing by moving the Nuclear Ball. In fact, it was doing exactly what the Superiors wanted!