Hamish and the GravityBurp

by Danny Wallace

  ‘THE HUMANS WILL RISE UNTIL THEY CAN RISE NO MORE!’ roared the Superior. ‘THEY WILL BE SUCKED FROM THE PLANET IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE. ALL THAT WILL REMAIN WILL BE WHAT WE NEED TO MAKE THE PLANET OUR OWN! A WORLD IN WHICH WE GROW OUR OWN FOOD AND DINE LIKE ROYALTY!’

  One of the Superiors walked slowly to the edge of the spytrap field.

  The traps around it seemed scared, and struggled and fought to get away. But they were rooted to the ground.

  The Superior grabbed one of the traps, and yanked it from the soil, as the ones around it squealed and mewed.

  The Superior WOLFED the spytrap down in one and wiped its mouth.

  ‘They eat traps!’ said Alice. ‘We thought they were planting them on Earth to get us. In fact, they were doing some farming!’

  ‘They want to make Earth a planet to grow their food!’ said Hamish. ‘And we have to stop them!’

  But how? They had no idea where the Nuclear Ball was and, if the Superiors managed to find out first and grab it, it would be curtains!

  ‘ONE MORE TEST ON STARKLEY!’ roared the first Superior, signalling to a Terrible, who brought out a walkie-talkie and barked something into it.

  Around them, the winds grew stronger as the s became quicker. The turbines sped up and whipped around. Damp black leaves flew into the air, slapping into their faces. The moss on the ground began to rise like dust. Everyone stared up at the airship.

  BOOOOOOM.

  An invisible ray seemed to tear up the sky and headed in the direction of Starkley. The gun at the head of the ship vibrated and rattled from the force of its shot.

  ‘I hope everyone’s inside!’ said Alice, as the zinged away.

  ‘We need to stop them before they get to a Belch,’ said Hamish, but it seemed absolutely impossible. Here they were, just two kids, with no tech, no gadgets and no ideas. Stuck on an enemy island, far from home, with hundreds of Terribles, spytraps and Superiors. What could they possibly do?

  ‘Hamish, we need to get out of here,’ said Alice. ‘Now we know how they’re doing the Burps. It’s the airship. If they’ve got the Nuclear Ball, then the next time they try it, it’s going to be so much worse. We’ve got to go home and call the Air Force!’

  Hamish knew Alice was right. They had to warn everyone.

  And then he locked eyes with a sniffling, snortling TERRIBLE.

  Escape from FRYKT Island

  ‘RUUUUUUUUN!’ yelled Hamish, jumping from the brow of the hill and into a rock pool below.

  But he didn’t need to tell Alice. She was already down on the ground and six paces ahead of him.

  The Terrible had spotted Hamish, but had been slow to react. It , but its voice was lost in the noise of thunderous cheering coming from the other Terribles down below.

  The kids had a head start and raced away with their hearts in their mouths, leaping over gaps and darting through the blackti, all the while aware that any second the chase might begin.

  ‘Can you see the tug yet?’ shouted Hamish, scanning the choppy coast, as Alice – still Starkley Under-12s 100-metre champion – kept her elbows high and her eyes on the ground. They couldn’t afford even one stumble now.

  ‘THERE!’ came a mighty roar from the brow of the hill they’d just left.

  The Terrible had finally managed to alert the others and a Superior pointed a clawed finger at Hamish and Alice, as they moved swiftly across the enemy island.

  Six Terribles shot down the hill after the two children, their nails scraping and sparking off the rocks. They ran like dogs, all four feet slapping the ground and a trail of slather left in their wake.

  But Hamish and Alice were fast. Down a second blackened hill they slid, finding their feet immediately and continuing their run.

  A moment later, the Terribles slid too, but their feet gave way, sending them tumbling to the bottom in a mass of tusks and sweat.

  ‘The mo-skis!’ yelled Alice, pointing at the machines that were just where they’d left them. ‘Get them to the water! Remember, Terribles hate water!’

  They pushed their skis onto the ice, which cracked and splintered with more intensity than before, then jumped on.

  Alice started hers and began to rev.

  But Hamish’s wouldn’t start!

  ‘Come on!’ yelled Alice, turning back to look. The Terribles were on their feet now, and gaining fast, pounding towards them. ‘Quickly, Hamish!’

  But no matter what he did, it wouldn’t start. It must have been waterlogged from all that spinning around!

  ‘Get on mine!’ shouted Alice.

  Hamish jumped off his bike, the ice groaning and splintering beneath his feet as he landed. It was going to give way. He’d fall in and end up stuck in the freezing water!

  Alice revved her engine as the six ghastly, slimery Terribles reached the ice, then stretched to grab Hamish with one hand as VOOOOOM!

  The mo-ski lurched forward, sliding wildly on the ice and dragging Hamish behind it in a figure of eight.

  He threw one leg over the seat and slapped Alice’s back and shouted, ‘GO!’ just as the Terribles skittered and scattered on the ice behind him.

  The ice finally gave way under their combined weight and CRACK-ASSSH! – the Terribles plunged deep into the water, clawing at the surface, trying to grab onto the back of the mo-ski.

  Alice ROARED off, leaping from a wave like a ramp as the panicking Terribles paddled desperately for shore.

  As soon as Hamish and Alice arrived back on the tug, Buster started the engine and pulled away. He pulled away at full throttle, but it was still far too slowly for everyone’s liking.

  The shoreline was by now packed with Terribles, each of them hungrily snarling at the boat as it disappeared. A black cloud of steam rose from their nasty, scaly bodies.

  Alice had gone very quiet. She was always brave, but today she had seen just how powerful the enemy was. Once the Superiors got their hands on the NUCLEAR BALL – and Alice knew they would stop at nothing to get it – the world was doomed.

  And what could a bunch of kids do about it?

  Nothing.

  ‘At least they don’t know for sure it was us,’ said Elliot, peering through his binoculars and then immediately deciding not to do that any more.

  Buster stared at the Terribles. They were carrying Hamish’s mo-ski back to their masters as some kind of trophy.

  ‘I wouldn’t be so certain,’ he said. ‘Each of the mopeds has “Slackjaw’s Motors” written on the licence plate. It won’t take them long to recognise them from the first time we foiled their plans.’

  Alice shook her head, sadly. ‘I would say Starkley’s problems are just beginning,’ she said.

  ‘Why?’ asked Venk, relieved to be moving at pace now.

  ‘Because,’ said Hamish, ‘now they know we know.’

  No one had noticed that Clover had gone completely and utterly white.

  ‘Well, we just have to make sure they don’t get the Nuclear Ball,’ suggested Venk. ‘Hamish, can you get a message to your dad? We need Belasko’s help.’

  That was all Hamish could think about too.

  Clover was shaking now.

  ‘Uh, guys . . .’ she said, uncertainly.

  ‘Good idea, Venk,’ said Alice. ‘We need to tell Belasko everything we know.’

  ‘Um . . . guys?’ said Clover again. ‘GUYS!’

  She was pointing at something in the sea. Her hand was trembling. Her lip was quivering.

  Against all their instincts, the PDF turned to see the huge green stalk of the sea spytrap, bigger and greener and ghastlier than ever.

  And it was shaking.

  Waves crashed around it as it vibrated and hummed.

  Seagulls took flight.

  This thing was ready to pop!

  ‘Get in the cabin!’ yelled Hamish, as—

  BOOOOOOOOOM!

  Giant slivers of plant twisted and twirled through the air. They were the size of buses and SPLA-KASHED! as they landed in the sea.

&
nbsp; Water flew everywhere. Gunk tumbled towards them.

  Still the hulking plant RUMBLED and SHOOK as POP!

  BLAAAAAFFF!

  Its massive head appeared, rising out of the stalk, two ginormous eyes blinking in the sun as it was born.

  CLACK!

  CLACK!

  CLACK!

  Each of its teeth was MEGA!

  Buster reached for the steering wheel, but there was no need.

  The spytrap had risen with such force that it created ginormous waves as it stretched high into the sky. The waves now carried the tugboat away at a hundred miles an hour as the trap CLACK-CLACK-CLACKED at the clouds.

  ‘Whoooooooaaaa!’ yelled Elliot, holding onto his glasses with one hand and the boat with another.

  On the boat sped towards Starkley, riding the foaming crest of a giant wave, with the PDF all thinking that the second they got home, there would be serious work to do.

  Opposites Attacked

  The tug hit the beach with great force, carving up the sand like a hot knife through fudge.

  ‘Hamish!’ came a voice from the shore. ‘What did you do? Where did you go?’

  It was his dad! He was standing by his car with two Belasko agents, talking on radios and staring at the fiery explosion in the sea. They’d headed back to Starkley the very second the green sea plant had been reported.

  ‘A spytrap, Dad!’ said Hamish. ‘A massive one in the sea!’

  ‘Don’t worry, we’re on it,’ his dad said. ‘Please tell me you didn’t go to FRYKT!’

  ‘Of course we did,’ said Alice, standing her ground. ‘We saw the message on the Holonow. You told us to go and check the place out.’

  ‘No,’ said Hamish’s dad. ‘I was telling you to be careful and stay put. I was trying to tell you there was great danger!’

  ‘Well, next time move to where you can get better reception,’ said Alice, removing a starfish that had somehow got caught up in her hair as they sped to shore. ‘Your voice was cutting out like crazy!’

  ‘Hamish, that was really silly,’ said his dad, taking him to one side.

  Hamish had not been expecting that. His cheeks burnt red. Silly? It wasn’t silly! It was brave and heroic and he was only trying to do the right thing!

  ‘But the Nuclear Ball . . .’ said Hamish.

  ‘It’s safe, pal. We moved it. We know what we’re doing.’

  ‘It’s not safe!’ said Alice, joining them, because now was not the time to let herself be left out. ‘The Superiors wanted Belasko to move it,’ she said, almost annoyed at him. ‘It was part of their plan because they couldn’t get to it. They made you panic, and now it’s on its way somewhere, and it’ll be far easier for them to snatch.’

  ‘Then they’re going to put it in their airship!’ said Hamish.

  ‘Airship?’ said his dad.

  ‘They’ve kept everyone away from FRYKT by controlling the weather somehow. And they hid an airship in the clouds, just like they probably hide stuff on Venus.’

  Hamish was talking quickly now and his dad was struggling to keep up.

  ‘And they’ve got water to cool the Nuclear Ball, so then they can use its power to do a GravityBelch and suck everyone off the planet! Then they’re going to fill the place with spytraps and Earth will be theirs!’

  Hamish’s dad’s expression changed from one of bravery to one of real worry. He moved away, got his radio out and barked into it.

  ‘Status update on the package, please. Immediately.’

  In all the excitement, the PDF had completely forgotten that Starkley had fallen foul of yet another GravityBurp.

  As they arrived back in town in the ice-cream van, there were still people caught up in the big net above the town square. Others, in boots filled with rocks, were trying to fish them out with long hooks.

  ‘That was a big one, eh?’ yelled Mr Neate, from the top of a chimney.

  Tree branches were pointing vertically. Cars were overturned. Hamish’s friend Robin had lost yet another football. It looked like the end of the world.

  Plus, it had completely knackered Madame Cous Cous’s International World of Treats. What a state it was in!

  ‘Actually, that wasn’t the Burp,’ said Madame Cous Cous, looking furious as Hamish arrived. ‘That was your little pet, “Vinnie”.’

  Hearing his name, Vinnie burst out of a display cabinet. He had nineteen lollipop sticks poking out of his mouth and a blissful look on his face.

  Seeing his friend and master, the trap licked Hamish’s face with such force that he was lifted off the ground. Vinnie’s tongue was like sandpaper and he panted, eagerly, and licked Alice too.

  ‘Yeuch, geroff, plant!’ she yelled. ‘Your tongue stinks of Cola cubes!’

  Vinnie had lain waste to the sweet shop. Not one drawer remained closed; not one sweet remained unslathered-on. To apologise to Alice for his lick, Vinnie burped up a Twix from his tummy and spat it at her.

  Madame Cous Cous looked exhausted.

  ‘It’s been through every sweet in the place!’ she said. ‘It’s also eaten all my cereal, six plates of bacon and eggs, two chairs and a rug I bought to celebrate the Queen’s coronation.’

  Hamish smiled as Vinnie licked him again. It felt good to smile after everything that had happened.

  ‘All it wants now is great big cones full of candyfloss!’ said Madame Cous Cous, offering Vinnie another one.

  ‘Just keep him away from those horrible Norwegian purple things,’ said Alice. ‘Crikey, can you imagine how many Candgrenades we’d need to tackle that massive one in the sea?’ She laughed, even though this was no laughing matter, and Hamish glanced at her.

  Through the window, Hamish saw his dad and the other Belasko agents walking towards the sweet shop, each of them holding a map and talking animatedly. He wished he was doing that too.

  ‘Right,’ said Dad, walking in. ‘Oh—!’ He saw Vinnie and jumped.

  ‘This one’s fine, Dad,’ said Hamish, standing in front of his friend, protectively. ‘He just likes sweets is all.’

  ‘These Superiors you saw on FRYKT,’ said Dad, ignoring this. ‘How many of them were there?’

  ‘Three Superiors,’ replied Alice. ‘Hundreds of Terribles. Thousands of spytraps. And who knows what was under the surface.’

  Hamish’s dad tapped his chin. ‘We’re going to order a complete evacuation of Starkley,’ he said. ‘It’s time to cut our losses and move on.’

  ‘Give up Starkley?’ said Alice, shocked. ‘Why? It’s our home!’

  ‘We’ll find another one,’ said Dad.

  Hamish and Alice stared at each other, unable to believe what they were hearing. Leave Starkley? Sure, it may have had a reputation for being a bit boring, but that didn’t mean the kids could just turn their backs on it. ‘It’s the only course of action, Hamish, and your mum’ll be delighted,’ his dad continued. ‘Goonhilda Swag is making her life a misery. And, to be honest, Goonhilda is right: this isn’t a proper town . . .’

  Not a proper town? This was crazy. Where did grown-ups get their ideas? And they couldn’t split up. Hamish and Alice – and their friends outside – were the PDF. And, more than that, they were best friends! Hamish understood that his dad was trying to keep them safe, but surely there had to be another way?

  Hamish put a hand on his dad’s strong arm. It felt a bit hot and trembly and Hamish noticed he almost seemed a bit panicky now. You always think grown-ups have a plan, but sometimes they’re just making it up as they go along.

  ‘It’s okay, Dad,’ said Hamish. ‘I gave up too. But Alice made me see that there’s always another way.’

  His dad looked at him. ‘And what is it?’ he said. ‘What’s the other way?’

  Hamish gulped. This was his chance to prove himself. But he’d said all that before he’d even had a chance of thinking what that other way might be. Now he was going to have to make it up as he went along!

  ‘Um . . . it’s . . . you know, we could . . .’

 
; His dad nodded him on, giving him a chance to finish, keen to hear this great plan.

  ‘Well, Hamish?’ he said. ‘What is it?’

  In the distance, they could hear the intimidating wail of a siren. Was that Belasko? Or the Superiors? Whatever it was, a siren is rarely a good thing.

  ‘Well, my idea,’ said Hamish, struggling to come up with something, ‘is . . . the opposite of yours.’

  The words hung in the air.

  ‘I’m sorry, Hamish. We have to go – we have to hide the Nuclear Ball,’ said his dad. ‘We need to act now.’

  ‘What about this button everyone keeps mentioning?’ said Alice out of desperation. ‘What happens if we press it? Some kind of explosion?’

  Hamish’s dad shook his head.

  ‘No. No buttons. Look, you did well to warn us what they were planning. But now we must hide the ball and hope for the best.’

  ‘Or,’ said Hamish. ‘The opposite.’

  What kind of plan was that?

  What was he suggesting? Not hide it and hope for the worst?

  His dad once told him it was good to challenge things. To find options where there don’t seem to be any. His dad said that was thinking outside the box.

  ‘How do you mean the opposite?’ said Dad.

  ‘We . . . give them the Nuclear Ball?’ said Hamish.

  The other Belasko agents sighed. But Hamish’s dad nodded him on, encouragingly.

  ‘We want the Superiors to go away without the Nuclear Ball, right?’ said Hamish, and suddenly a plan somewhere far behind his eyes clicked into place. ‘Well, how about instead we try and get them to come here, and then we give them what they want?’

  Hmmm. Er. Well.

  Dad’s plan to evacuate Starkley was in full force. Belasko agents drove from house to house. Long removal lorries started to arrive in town. The streetlights flashed red and blue.

  As soon as Hamish had said they should give the Superiors exactly what they wanted, everyone had quickly stopped listening – it was clearly too much for a ten-year-old boy to handle and they reckoned he’d finally lost it. You’d think he’d have felt small and silly. But Hamish knew he was onto something. Somewhere deep inside he was sure he had the beginnings of a crazy idea.