Advice by Clyde

by Amber Lynn

  We usually find ourselves in this situation because of food, but for once, I am pretty satisfied in the tummy region, so I shake my head. To get them closer to the right track, I tilt my head towards Nyx’s desk.

  “You want to hack into Nyx’s computer and send secret messages to human government officials?” Will questions.

  I think I am going to have to take back every nice thing I have ever said about the guy. Where in the world would he get that idea? It sounds like an awesome thought, but I have no problem doing that sort of thing from my own computer.

  “I think he is just looking for Nyx, you lemonhead.” Marcus is shaking his head and has to be wondering why Will has to be a vampire.

  I nod my head to let them know that he is on track. I do have to say that next to brainy Sebastian, Marcus is one of the smarter people in the house. It is the main reason why I try to steer clear of him.

  “Oh, I guess that does make more sense. Her and Phee ran off to the gym to get a workout in. I hear someone mentioned her expanding waistline and she threw a fit,” Will says.

  Seriously? A fit isn’t totally out of character for her, but there ain’t a thing she can do about the weight, so she needs to just get over it. I am sure it will disappear within a month. Knowing her boyfriends, it will magically find its way back soon though.

  I lift my paw to wave bye as I head towards one of the many doors that will get me to the gym. I choose the path in the kitchen because it is easier for me to reach the button that opens the secret passage. I guess Sebastian had to go through and lower all his previously too tall for Nyx buttons. It works for me because I can hit it with my nose.

  I try not to do the trick in front of Nyx because along with the weight issue, she is a little sensitive about her height. She tries to hide it, but I see the glares she gives those taller than her, which just happens to be everyone.

  Chapter 5

  Kissing up hurts my lips

  This whole apartment building is set up pretty cool. There are secret tunnels everywhere and some even lead to the outside world. The only good thing I have found about Sebastian is that he knows his stuff when it comes to security.

  I wasn’t around when he moved Nyx into this place, but I bet he picked the locale because it is like a fort. No force could make it in and with how many people Nyx pisses off on a daily basis that comes in really handy.

  I make it to the gym and see Nyx doing a great job of kicking the crap out of Phee. Mom and Phee are nowhere near the same league so this isn’t a shock. It is actually worse than usual because Phee isn’t allowed to fight back.

  I don’t know how long this has been going on, but it isn’t going to last much longer. Phee looks tired and Mom doesn’t want to do real damage. At least I hope my comments didn’t push her to that point.

  “Give the girl a break. Unless you are going to wrap her in some extra protection, I think she is done.” I don’t want to get too close to the action, so I grab a seat close to the door.

  “Are you trying to piss me off today, Clyde?” Nyx asks as she stops her assault. “Hit the showers, Phee.”

  “Thanks,” Phee replies and then falls to the ground. “I will clean up once my body resolidifies. I wish the guys would man up and fight against you. I don’t know that I can take another session like that.”

  That is going to happen right after I grow some big golden wings and fit a nice halo on my head. In other words, never. It is going to be a very long next month or so. If Nyx can’t find a more worthy opponent until then, we are all screwed.

  “Can’t your angel friend hook you up with a way to still get your regular workouts in? Angels have to be good for something, right?” Being born in Hell makes me doubt the angels’ capability to get their heads out of their butts, but you never know.

  “I will deal with my aggression without assistance from Upstairs. It would be a lot easier if people learned to not be idiots around me. I have come to realize that is an impossible task. Is there a reason you decided to come find me?”

  “I'm looking for something to do and I thought you might have some ideas.” Yes, I am being a giant kiss ass.

  “You could give yourself a bath. The guys say you are starting to really stink.” I was prepared for her helpful suggestion and I am trying to bite my tongue. I am sure by the end of this conversation I will have a nice hole in it. Maybe I should think about just getting it pierced.

  “I was hoping you would come up with something a little more exhilarating. Unless you are going to let me use the jet tub in the master bath.”

  “I wouldn't mind using that tub, too,” Phee whimpers lifting her head off the ground an inch. Get the girl her Academy Award.

  “No. It is going to be occupied by me, so find your own. This has to be the first time you have sought direction from me. I should have had a list ready for a moment like this, but I am coming up blank. We can check my email and see if there are any cases that will pass the annoying inspection.”

  It isn't the time to bring up the idea of plotting Alex and Sebastian's demise, so I will go along with her idea. I have a feeling she is just as bored as I am. I could go watch some television or something, but she doesn't get into that and we need to spend some quality time together.

  I hope the pipsqueak doesn’t want to tagalong. It is Clyde/Nyx time and she isn’t welcome. Phee has this need to hear herself talk that makes most of the people around her want to shove her into a trash compactor. Judging by her size, it has been done a couple of times already.

  “If there is actually something for us to do, how many guards do you think we can lose? Are you still required to have all of them when you leave the penthouse?” I can attest to it being a pain in the ass to have to go out with all of the guys. Chances of getting away with anything are about zilch.

  “Four are required and I have a feeling more will follow just for the heck of it. I have mentioned a few times that I am not fragile and they don’t believe me at all,” Nyx says as she walks over and gives me a nice little rub behind the ears. Good. My evil plan of getting back on her good side is working.

  “You guys go right ahead and just leave me here. I’ll call Sam and have him carry me back to our place,” Phee says still working on that acting award. She is a werewolf and there is no way it takes that long for her to recover from a little fighting.

  “Phee, get off your butt and walk out of here like a woman. I won’t have you giving the guys ideas that our gender is somehow inferior. I can wipe the mats with most of them and they still act like I am a piece of glass.” Nyx is using her drill sergeant voice that is sure to get the dead moving.

  Phee quickly stands up and salutes her superior. “Yes, Ma’am. What are my orders?”

  “I already gave them and I won’t repeat myself, so get going.” Phee doesn’t need to be told again and finally goes to shower. It isn’t a moment too soon because she is smelling extremely ripe. Hopefully the air in the hallways is blowing the opposite way as she finds her way home.

  “Do you need to take that bath before we check the emails?” I ask ready to go.

  “I can’t smell any better than Phee did, so it is for the best. I don’t want to get a funk into my chair and not be able to get it out. I really like that chair and would hate to have to shop for a new one to take its place.”

  Inanimate objects do seem to mean a lot to her. I expect she has named the dang chair as she has all of her weapons. I once heard her talking to a set of her knives. It was extremely creepy.

  “I will have to leave you to that bath then. Either Alex or Sebastian will probably want to watch to make sure you don’t drown and I don’t want to be anywhere near you guys when the mood strikes.” This means I have to find something else to do for the next thirty minutes. At least Mom doesn’t take long girlie baths like Phee is probably already in the process of doing.

  “In my current condition, you think I am going to let either of them within a mile of me naked? My bathroom door is locking the se
cond both of my feet are on the other side of the door. Do you think you can go find Sebastian and ask him to fix me a plate of bacon? I need some protein after my workout.” Without letting me explain how silly her idea sounds, she leaves me standing staring after her.

  Why does everyone keep forgetting that I cannot deliver messages? The fact that it is to the person I hate the most, only makes it worse. I had been doing such a good job of not seeing Sebastian at all today.

  The dork is probably hanging out in his secret library. If he isn’t with Nyx, he is with his books, or running his sex house downtown. I think he has handed most of his responsibilities there over to someone else though. His brain has totally been rotted away with the prospect of babies and he doesn’t like to be far from Nyx. Within the week, I predict he will have a leash on her so she cannot be out of his sight.

  That is not going to help Nyx’s mood improve. I seldom wish for it, but being able to tell Sebastian to calm down without Nyx knowing would come in handy. Opening up that flood gate would make the tensions between me and him open like the Grand Canyon. Neither one of us would be able to keep our tongues under control and even though he likes that I am added protection for Nyx, he hates me just as much as I do him.

  I have moved on from the gym and the library door looms in front of me. Most rooms in the place have been made Clyde accessible. This is not one of them. I think Sebastian will meet his death before he lets me just roam around and see if any of his books need to be yellowed with my special sauce.

  I can hear him turning pages on the other side of the door, so I know he is in there. I am sure he knows I am standing out here and he isn’t going to make things easy on me. That’s fine. I stand back a little bit and let out one of my patented fire barks. Who said fire breathing was only for dragons?

  “Clyde you are an idiot,” Sebastian says as he opens the door. “Do you know how much it cost me to fireproof this house after you moved in?”

  I did mention he likes to take away all of my fun, didn’t I? The whole house has basically been painted in crap that won’t catch on fire. I accidently caught some curtains on fire in my youth and no one is able to forget the incident.

  One of these days I should learn Morse code so I can tap out messages to the humanoids. I have read about it online, but I am being lazy. Plus, it is sometimes fun to hear what others think I want.

  “I don’t know why she sent you. I know she wants bacon and I can make that without any extra slobber added,” he says as he shuts the door and heads off to the kitchen.

  What a jerk. I guess I am on my own. Let’s see what kind of trouble I can get in.

  Chapter 6

  I am a sucker for a sale

  I have mentioned that there isn’t a ton for a Hellhound to do in this apartment. That is one of the reasons moving to the new place is going to be amazing. Alex was cool enough to give me a tour and the fact that it has grass was all it needed to sell me on the idea. Nyx is going to be a little bit harder to convince more space is good, but she will come around.

  Since I have a few minutes of spare time, I might as well find a box and start packing for the move. In my short time here, I have accumulated a lot of items. That is probably the only problem with me learning how to buy things for myself. There are some things I find online that I just can’t say no to. Maybe now would be a good time to clean out the closet.

  The first thing I need to do is find a box big enough for the junk. I am not really sure how I fit everything in my closet, so finding a large crate or making multiple trips appears to be the order of the day. I have seen some big boxes that the others were using and one of those will be a good start. I just need to find Jake and convince him that he wants to help me.

  Chances are after his babysitting stint he wanted to rot his brain and play video games. He tends to do that a lot, but he hasn’t really found anyone to partake in the activity. Sam and Phee are young enough that they sometimes can be convinced that it is fun, but Phee prefers to just watch television and keep up on the important human news.

  She really is the odd duck in our group. The rest of us live in a world totally separate from the humans. I take that back. Will still has some ties, but he acts like a normal person about it. Eventually those ties will all die and he will be just like the rest of us.

  If I can’t find Jake, I will search the vampire out for assistance. Either one of them might be willing to take some of the junk off of my hands. I make my way to Jake’s room where I am sure to find him. He is on duty until Nyx drops for the day. I doubt he will be sleeping on the job, but I don’t want to chance walking in on him watching some porn and rubbing his salami.

  Listen, it only happened once and my mind couldn’t believe what it was seeing. After that day, he started hanging a holster on the door knob to let me know to come back later. Even when there isn’t a holster, I still knock rather than using the Hellhound door he was cool enough to install.

  “You can come in, Clyde. My hands are on the controller and out of my pants,” he hollers and then swears at what I am hoping is his game.

  I push my nose through the door to look around and verify that he isn’t just trying to scar me for life. The coast looks clear and I enter the room. I am happy to see a moving box sitting in the middle of the floor, which will make my mime act a whole lot easier.

  “Are you hiding out from your master or are you looking for something to do?” Jake asks pausing his game.

  He is even looking at me; this is going to be a piece of cake. I walk over and bump my head on the box. Getting closer to it is a bad idea because it smells like something died in there, but I don’t have a choice. He must have put some old gym socks in there that he has neglected to wash in the last decade. Angel farts smell better than that.

  “I wouldn’t try to hide from Nyx in that box. The smell might help hide your usual stink, but she would still find you.”

  I am surprised he realizes it smells. I wouldn’t bother packing something that reeked like that even if it was worth a million dollars. The lid on the box is closed, so I can’t take a gander at what is inside.

  I hit the box again while trying to imagine a plate full of steaks and how good it would smell. It helps a little.

  “Got it. You want your own. I can help you with that,” he says springing up from the couch. “I have seen your closet, but I don’t think we have a single box that will hold it all. Let’s see what we can find.” He opens the door and looks out like he is making sure no one sees him leaving.

  Satisfied the coast is clear, he waves for me to follow and then heads down the hall to the right. He is in secret agent mode and it is hilarious to watch. With the move being a secret from Nyx, I am guessing that is who he is trying to avoid. It would be really fun if I could speak and pretend to be her. I bet he would run to the closest room and hide.

  He stops in front of the door that leads to the guards’ TV room. If you were hiding something from Mom, this would be the room most secure. He opens the door and quickly runs in, grabs a box, and then runs back out.

  “This is the biggest one I would be seen walking around the house with Nyx home.”

  The box is in its flat form and he has a roll of packing tape around his wrist. How does he expect to explain that one to Nyx, new fashion accessory? She might actually buy that.

  We make our way back to my room and have no problem doing it in peace. When we get there, I wait for Jake to open the closet door with a giant grin on my face. There is a reason I don’t open that door.

  Weird things just start falling and burying the guy. He is pretty quick though and it only takes him a second to jump off to the side out of the way of danger.

  “Who helped you pack everything in there? I helped with some, but it wasn’t that bad.” Jake is stuck staring at the pile. I am waiting for his eyes to focus on individual items and the tirade of questions to start.

  As far as stuffing the closet goes, that was all me. I got a large shipment one day and jus
t put everything in there and then closed the door.

  “Why do you need a hair accessory that makes a perfect bun?” he asks holding up a box. “I doubt the hair chalk is going to do you a lot of good either.”

  Maybe I was saving those for birthday gifts. I wasn't, but it sounds like a good idea now. Phee would go nuts over them.

  “You really need to sell this to your advice column fans. You have so many of them that they might actually want all this crap. To make it worth more, you should probably use the stuff though. I am not sure that is even possible with most of these things. The only way you are giving yourself a bun is if you get a wig.”

  Should I tell him to dig a little deeper? There should be a handful in the pile. I borrowed them from Mom's collection because she didn't seem to be using them. I am not really sure what purpose I thought they would serve in my room. If they can help me lighten my load of crap, I am not above wearing them so Jake can snap some pictures.

  I walk over and dig around in the pile until I find a blonde wig. If the yellow lab I started following on social network sites the other day can pull off the color, so can I. Yes, I am aware that a human is posting pretending to be the dog.

  “You are really going to let me test these products on you?” Jake grabs a few more hair product boxes. They were half off and I can't pass up deals like that.

  I nod and then jump up on my computer chair so he can play hairstylist. Obviously, I am secure in the size of my man berries. Getting a little girlie isn't going to change that. Jake knowing exactly how to use each of the products without reading the directions does worry me a little bit.

  The hair products only take a few minutes to get through, so we move on to the special pillows, knife sharpeners, and exercise equipment. Oddly enough everything went into one of those categories. Well, all of the stuff I am willing to part with. The kitchen gadgets and appliances are still all mine.

  We load the leftovers into the box Jake constructed and label it my room. This packing process has given me a bunch to do, so finding Nyx and checking her emails for adventures has found a compartment in the back of my brain.