Advice by Clyde

by Amber Lynn

  Now, I just need to get Jake to leave in order to start posting all of this stuff on my site. I have a few options, but I go with the one sure to clear a room. A handy feature that I believe most Hellhounds come equipped with is gas on command. Burping or farting both smell pretty bad to the humanoids, so I inhale a big gulp of air and let out a belch that would remove the hair off most men's chests.

  I know; it is a talent. It has the desired result though and Jake quickly exits stage right. He didn't even bother to say good-bye. I will have to remember that secret weapon if we ever make it to a real battle.

  Chapter 7

  That's all you need to know

  The sun is starting to get higher in the sky, so I don't have much time before bedtime. I want to get these items posted for sale and maybe answer one more letter before I call it a day. I made sure Jake downloaded the pics from his phone before I ran him off. I start looking through the images and I have to say, me in a wig is kind of hot. Even when purple and pink streaks are added.

  I pick my favorite picture of each product and then make a page for each, put twenty bucks as the price on everything, and call it good. Everyone on the site knows how to get in touch with me, so I don't see a point in listing contact details.

  If everything goes as planned, the fifty items will be gone by morning. Since Jake helped me with the plan, I hope he knows he is going to be shipping everything for me.

  Moving on from the closet cleanup, it wouldn't be fair if I didn't touch on the one thing I am asked about most often. People like to ask whether I am sad that there are no other Hellhounds around to keep me company. I have a pretty large family here with Nyx, and Ben is nice enough to bring me news from my parents, but yes sometimes I miss not seeing others that look like me.

  It is during those melancholy periods that you can find me talking to myself in a mirror. I am a great conversationalist even if I am saddled with holding up both sides of the conversation. After fifteen minutes, or so, I have my fix of Hellhound interaction and I usually feel a lot better about myself since mirror Clyde thinks I am amazing.

  I am starting to be bored by this writing my own book deal. It sounded like fun in the beginning, but like I said, the good stuff is all being saved up for the movie and I just revealed I talk to myself in the mirror. I will answer one last email for you, since I figure that is why you are sticking around anyway.

  I just hope someone has left me a decent question in the inbox. If not, you are just out of luck. Let's see. Out of the twenty new emails I am sure at least one of them has something fun to answer.

  Sorry, the first five are not even worth mentioning. The sixth one shows some promise though. I am surprised I have not been asked this sort of thing before and it is well worth a response.

  Here is the original email:

  Dear Clyde,

  Thank you so much for all the great advice you dish out on a daily basis. My needs are a little different from what I have read on the site before, so hopefully you will pick my letter to respond to. I have a male dog, and yes I know you are a species all your own, but I thought you could give me some advice. “Bart” loves to pee on everything in the house. I have tried everything and I cannot get him to stop. He goes outside at least four times a day, but he still comes in and tinkles on the furniture, walls, carpet, pillows, etc.

  What can I do to stop this behavior?

  Urine covered in Dallas

  First, I cannot believe she wrote urine covered. She didn't mention herself in the list of things her dog pees on, but I do wonder if that is the case. I am not sure what she was expecting as my response, but I highly doubt I am going to give her what she wants to hear. I'll just have to do my best.

  Dear Urine,

  This is an issue near in dear to my heart. I live in a house full of male werewolves and being canine-ish myself gives me a lot of unlearnable knowledge in this situation.

  To begin, I suggest investing in a nice rain suit, nose plugs, and a lot of plastic wrap. That should keep you mostly dry and wrapping everything in the plastic will allow for easy cleanup. Chances are “Bart” is never going to grow out of this peeing thing.

  I haven't, but I am smarter about hiding my marking it sounds like. If I was able to communicate with your dog, I could advise him that marking behind the furniture and under the bed is usually the best way to keep from getting caught.

  It makes a dog feel more secure if he can smell himself in his home. I have to guess “Bart” isn't really sure about you and is trying to make the place more comfortable for him. Maybe some extra treats at supper time will help him feel better about things. You have to be careful about the amount of treats, though. If he isn't secure living with you, he may think you are fattening him up for dinner and that will just make things worse.

  Try to take things slow and give him some extra attention. You may be amazed at what good that will do.

  Clyde

  I am trying not to laugh too hard. I was just working on getting the dog pampered. There is no way he is going to stop the habit. Like I said, I still find out of the way places to mark as my own. I know in this place the furniture is off limits, but there are a few weights in the gym that I was finally able to call my own, among other items.

  I promised one last letter, so I guess this is it for your visit into my world. I hope you found the trip well worth the price of admission. Being a Hellhound isn't all that different from being a human, if you are a fast learner. I mean, I am able to breathe fire and turn werewolves into humanoids, but basically we are the same.

  This is Clyde signing off. Make sure to check out the books about my mom. I hear there are seven of them now and I am featured in over half of them, so they have to be amazing.

  THE END