What's the Matter with Newton?

by Mark Young

  Mumtaz’s holographic head flickered, then disappeared, and all the students began to chatter excitedly.

  “Don’t get too excited about the prize, everyone, because it’s going to be mine,” Mimi announced loudly. Then she turned to Newton. “And don’t bother asking me what my project is, because it’s top secret.” She turned toward Newton. “What’s your project? Some kind of spy technology?”

  “I . . . I don’t know,” Newton admitted. He turned to Shelly. “Am I supposed to come up with a project?”

  “I’m not sure,” she said, “but usually everyone participates. Don’t worry, you can team up with me and Theremin. We’re still trying to come up with an idea, but I think we’re close.”

  Professor Wagg cleared his throat. “Let’s turn to chapter fourteen, class. ‘Mad Scientists Who Were Eaten By Their Experiments.’ ”

  For the rest of the class, the professor lectured. His voice was dry and boring, but Newton was riveted by the stories of carnivorous flowers and ravenous porch swings. He was relieved that he was able to follow along even though it was his first class ever, as far as he knew.

  Then the bell rang.

  “Next class,” Shelly announced. “Bending Electricity Safely.”

  Shelly led Newton to the classroom. In the front, there was a very small desk with a chair shaped like a fuzzy bear. Sitting in the chair was a young girl in a crisp white lab coat. She wore her red hair in braids that hung down her back and was busily typing on a computer.

  “Professor Juvinall?” Shelly asked.

  The girl’s head snapped up.

  “This must be Newton Warp,” she said flatly. “Just got the notice. Shelly, I’m assuming you’ll stay with him today?”

  Shelly nodded. “If that’s okay.”

  Newton kept staring at the professor. “You’re little!” he blurted out without thinking.

  Professor Juvinall glared at him. “Of course I am. I’m six years old. And smarter than you’ll ever be. So that’s the last I want to hear about that. Understand?”

  Newton nodded and followed Shelly to a lab table.

  “Sorry,” Shelly whispered to him. “I should have warned you.”

  As they took their seats on metal stools, Newton saw something that made his mouth drop open. It was a brain in a jar, and it was coming toward them. It was different than the brains Newton had seen in the library. For starters, it was perched on a table with a tall, metal leg and wheels on the bottom. It also seemed to be alive, accompanied by a skinny boy with greasy black hair that swooped down over his forehead.

  “Finally you meet—well, the brain is Odifin,” Shelly whispered, as the jar came closer, “and the one without a brain is Rotwang.”

  “Stop right there, Shelly,” Odifin said. His voice came through a speaker at the base of his jar.

  “Yeah, stop right there,” Rotwang echoed.

  “Odifin. Rotwang. What do you two want?” Shelly asked.

  “You tried to get me in trouble with Headmistress Mumtaz,” Odifin responded. “Claiming that I would waste some of my precious experimental amnesia formula on a new student.”

  “That’s me, hi,” Newton said, giving a small wave.

  “I informed her that I did no such thing,” Odifin snapped. “My amnesia formula is not even ready for testing yet. Only an irresponsible scientist would test a formula prematurely.”

  “Yeah, irrebonkable,” parroted Rotwang.

  “Sorry, Odifin,” Shelly said. “It was just a guess. I was trying to help Newton here, and well, since you had an amnesia formula and he has amnesia, it seemed possible.”

  “So the newbie has amnesia, does he?” Odifin asked. He rolled right up to Newton’s face, and the liquid inside the brain jar began to bubble. “Interesting. Very interesting.”

  “Yeah, very interesting,” Rotwang repeated.

  “Are we done here?” Shelly asked.

  “Maybe we are done,” Odifin said. “And maybe we are not.”

  Then he rolled over to another lab table, followed by Rotwang.

  “Well, there goes that theory,” Shelly said to Newton. “Presuming that Odifin is telling the truth, of course.”

  “Who’s that kid with him?” Newton asked.

  “Rotwang?” Shelly asked. “He’s been held back, like, six times. I don’t even think he’s a teenager anymore. He comes from a long line of mad scientist assistants.”

  “What do assistants do?” Newton wondered.

  Shelly thought for a moment. “I guess you could say they do whatever mad scientists tell them to do.”

  Newton raised his eyebrows. “Do you have an assistant?” he asked.

  Shelly shook her head. Before Newton could reply, Professor Juvinall’s voice rang out.

  “Goggles and rubber gloves on, everyone!” the professor yelled. “This class isn’t called Bending Electricity Safely for nothing! Even so, do not try this at home.”

  Professor Juvinall barked out instructions for some kind of experiment, but Newton was completely confused. Shelly did most of the work at their table, connecting wires and making lights flash on and off.

  Even so, Professor Juvinall kept calling on Newton.

  “Warp! Is that a positive or negative charge?”

  “Warp! How can we make sure a wire is properly grounded?”

  “Warp! Can you predict if the blue light or the red light will go on first?”

  Newton had no idea how to answer any of the questions, and was relieved when Shelly answered for him.

  After the third question, he heard Odifin’s crackling voice snort from across the room. “I guess we do not have to worry about competition from this guy,” he said loudly, and a lot of students laughed.

  When the bell rang again, Newton left the room as fast as he could.

  “That was really hard,” he told Shelly as they emerged into the hall.

  “That might be a tough class to begin with, especially since things started off on the wrong foot with Juvinall,” Shelly agreed. “I was thinking you might want to take Neo-Evolutionary Biology.”

  “Why? Is that easier?” Newton asked.

  “I just think it might come more . . . naturally to you,” Shelly answered mysteriously. “But the good news is, we have a break in your schedule before lunchtime, and I want to show you something.”

  Shelly took Newton to the basement of the building.

  “This is my little secret,” she said. “Mumtaz is letting me keep rescue animals down here.”

  She opened a door, and Newton’s eyes grew wide. The room was full of all kinds of tropical animals.

  “This is Wingold,” she said, showing him a parrot with a robotic wing to assist a wing that had been badly injured. “He’s almost ready to be released into the wild.”

  “Hello! Hello!” said Wingold.

  “Hi!” replied Newton.

  “Theremin helped me refine the robotic wing so it’s actually better than the original,” Shelly added.

  There was also a sea turtle with a titanium shell, a frog with springs to replace its missing hind legs, and more.

  “This is so cool,” Newton said.

  “It’s just the beginning,” Shelly said, filling up the animals’ automatic food dispensers. “But it’s almost time for lunch. If we leave now, we’ll have time to get on the hot lunch line before they’re out of fungus fries!”

  They rode in the tube up to the cafeteria, got in line, and filled their plates with food.

  “We should get broccoli and fungus fries for both of us,” Shelly informed Newton. “And Chicken Surprise for you. I don’t eat meat, but everyone says the Chicken Surprise is pretty good.”

  She navigated through the crowded lunchroom toward a table where Theremin was sitting. As soon as he saw Newton, Theremin’s face dropped.

  “Oh, is he sitting with us?” Theremin grumbled.

  “Of course he is,” Shelly said. “Who else is he going to sit with?”

  Theremin grunted and stare
d down at his empty plate.

  “It’s nice to see you again, Theremin,” Newton said, sliding into his seat. Then he started digging in to his food.

  “Mmm, these fungus fries are good,” he remarked.

  “Told you,” Shelly said. Then she turned to Theremin. “So, I told Newton he could work on our science fair project with us.”

  “Wait, what?” Theremin asked. “No way!”

  Shelly glared at him. “Let’s talk about this later, okay?”

  Newton looked away, feeling embarrassed.

  Why doesn’t Theremin like me? he wondered.

  His gaze wandered to the table next to them, where he noticed Tootie and some of the other kids from the Monster Club. They were whispering and giggling. Then Newton saw that Tootie was holding an electrical gauge with wires attached to their plates, and little sparks were flying.

  “What are they doing?” Newton asked.

  Before Shelly could answer, Tootie stood up and yelled, “Food fight!”

  She tossed a stalk of broccoli through the air. It landed on another table and started running around—on tiny green legs!

  A glob of Chicken Surprise landed in front of Newton.

  Two eyes opened up on the glob of casserole, and a little mouth formed a circle of surprise.

  “Now wasn’t that surprising!” the Chicken Surprise said.

  Newton stared in amazement. Over at the next table, a slab of meatloaf was arguing with a bottle of ketchup.

  “I don’t need you!” the meatloaf was saying. “Sometimes I just gotta be me!”

  Shelly was laughing. “This happens every time someone learns how to bring their lunch to life,” she said. “It’s so—duck!”

  Another broccoli stalk landed in front of Newton.

  “Why does nobody like me?” the broccoli wailed. “I’m loaded with nutrition and an excellent source of vitamin C!”

  “It never lasts long, but it’s kind of contagious,” Shelly explained, looking down at Newton’s fungus fries. They had started to jump up and down. “Pretty soon it will just be regular food again.”

  Theremin tapped Shelly on the shoulder. “Shelly, about him . . .” Theremin nodded toward Newton. “I don’t want to talk about it later.”

  Shelly ignored him. Instead, she held out her plate of fries to Newton.

  “Want some of mine? I got extra,” she said.

  “Sure,” Newton replied. He reached out to grab the plate from Shelly. . . .

  Theremin’s eyes flashed green. He intercepted the plate, picked up the fungus fries, and hurled them at Newton’s face.

  “You want fries? Have some fries!”

  At that, those fries came to life too and began to pummel Newton’s face. It tickled, and he started laughing.

  “I get it. The food fights!” Newton said. Then he picked up a ketchup bottle from the table, aimed it at Theremin, and squeezed until ketchup squirted out.

  “Weeeeeeee,” the ketchup squealed with delight.

  But when it landed on Theremin, there was a sizzling sound, and steam streamed out of the robot’s neck.

  “He’s trying to deactivate me!” Theremin screamed.

  “He didn’t know!” Shelly cried. She jumped up and started wiping off the ketchup with napkins.

  “What did I do?” Newton asked.

  “The acid in the ketchup can cause Theremin’s wires to short out,” Shelly explained. “But you had no way of knowing that. It’s okay.”

  “It is NOT okay,” Theremin fumed. He floated backward, knocking the chair to the ground. “And I do not understand why you, Shelly Ravenholt, my best friend, would want to hang out with a kid who is trying to—to—KILL me!”

  “Theremin, it was an accident,” Shelly said pleadingly. “And you did throw a plate of fries at his face.”

  Theremin stormed out of the lunchroom, too angry to listen.

  Newton frowned. Maybe there’s a reason I forgot who I am, he thought. Maybe it’s because I could never do anything right!

  CHAPTER 7

  Use Your Noodle Noggin!

  Shelly’s voice interrupted Newton’s thoughts.

  “You don’t have a scheduled class next period,” she said. “So why don’t you stick with me? It’s a pretty cool class. Theremin and I both really like it.”

  “I don’t know,” Newton said. “I don’t think Theremin wants to see me right now.”

  “Theremin will cool down,” Shelly promised. “He always does. And anyway, the class is about genetics—the study of how biological characteristics are passed on from one generation to the next. Who knows? Maybe we’ll learn something that can help us figure out where you’re from.”

  “Sure, let’s go,” he said.

  He followed her to another classroom set up like a lab. The teacher, Thaddeus Wells, was waiting by the front door when Shelly and Newton walked in.

  “Ah, Newton Warp. Nice to see you in this dimension. Wasn’t sure which one you’d be walking into,” he said.

  Newton noticed something strange about the teacher. Half of Wells’s body looked like a normal body, with a round face, a tiny mustache, and thin brown hair. But the other half looked . . . well, fuzzy. It kind of flickered in and out, like it wasn’t solid.

  “Newton isn’t scheduled for this class, Professor Wells, but I’m showing him around today, so I brought him with me,” Shelly explained.

  “Excellent! Please have him sit next to you,” he said. Newton noticed then that the teacher was talking out of the solid side of his mouth. In the very next instant, he spoke from the fuzzy side of his mouth.

  “Abigail Belowvich, get off the ceiling!”

  Newton looked up at the ceiling. There was nothing there. He threw Shelly a puzzled look as they sat down.

  “Oh right,” she said. “Professor Wells was caught in a nasty interdimensional portal accident. So, half of him is in this dimension, and the other half is in a parallel dimension—like, a place that’s exactly like this one, only right next to us, and we can’t see it.”

  Newton nodded.

  “The good news is that he can teach two classes at the same time,” Shelly explained. “One in this dimension, and one in the other.”

  At that moment Theremin floated into the room. His eyes turned green again when he spotted Shelly and Newton.

  “That’s—MY—seat,” Theremin said.

  Shelly patted the stool on her other side. “You can sit here.”

  Theremin grunted and floated over to the stool. Then Professor Wells began to talk out of both sides of his mouth.

  “Good morning, classes,” he said. “I’d like to begin with a pop quiz on chapter two of your Genetic Friendgineering books.”

  Some of the students groaned. Shelly leaned over to Newton. “Genetic Friendgineering is when you manipulate the genes of your friends, so that they’re more compatible with your own personality traits,” she said. “Take out your tablet and click on the professor’s name. You’ll find the book there.”

  Professor Wells spoke out of the solid side of his mouth. “Mr. Warp, since you are new, you don’t have to take the quiz. Please start reading chapter one of the textbook so you can catch up to us.”

  “Sure, sir,” Newton replied.

  Newton took out his tablet and followed Shelly’s instructions. The other students turned on their tablets. The quiz popped up on their screens, and everyone got to work.

  After fifteen minutes, everyone’s tablets beeped. Their screens went blank. Professor Wells started typing on his laptop with his left hand. His right hand disappeared into the other dimension.

  “Class, begin reading chapter three while I grade these,” he said.

  Newton was still reading chapter one, but he was enjoying it. Things were starting to click in his mind. He wasn’t sure if he was remembering things he’d learned before or was just learning them now.

  “Classes, I have your scores,” Professor Wells said out of both mouths. Numbers started popping up on the table
ts of the students who’d taken the quiz.

  Newton glanced over at Shelly. Her screen flashed 95. Theremin’s screen flashed 100.

  “Uh-oh,” Shelly muttered under her breath. “He got a perfect score.”

  “Wow, great job, Theremin!” Newton said, and instinctively he raised his hand to give the robot a high-five.

  “Whatever,” Theremin grumbled, and Newton figured that Theremin was still mad at him.

  When the bell rang, Newton waited for Theremin to float out of the room. Then he turned to Shelly.

  “Theremin didn’t look happy about his good grade,” Newton said. “Is he still mad at me?”

  “It’s not that,” Shelly replied. “It’s his programming.”

  She explained how Theremin’s dad had made sure that Theremin could never be smarter than him.

  “So every time Theremin does really well, it means he’s going to do really badly at the next thing he tries,” Shelly explained. “But you’ll see for yourself in our next class.”

  The next class was Dark Matter Matters, taught by Professor Anatoly Phlegm. The bottom of his black lab coat touched the floor, he wore black gloves up to his elbows and a black patch over his right eye, and his head was completely bald and shiny under the fluorescent lights.

  Professor Phlegm nodded curtly to Newton after Shelly introduced him, and Newton found an empty desk next to Shelly again.

  “You will have fifteen minutes to look over yesterday’s notes,” Professor Phlegm announced. “And then we will quiz you.”

  Shelly raised her hand. “Professor Phlegm, it’s Newton’s first day. Can he be excused from the quiz?”

  “No, he may not,” Professor Phlegm replied. “He’s a member of our class, just like everyone else.”

  Then he looked directly at Newton. “He just needs to use his . . . ahem . . . noodle noggin.”

  Noodle noggin. The words jolted Newton. But why did they sound so familiar?

  “I’ll send you the notes,” Shelly said. She tapped her tablet and notes popped up on Newton’s screen.

  “Thanks,” Newton said.

  He started to read, but he heard Theremin whispering to Shelly.