The Chance: A Novel

by Karen Kingsbury

  Love, your guy,

  Nolan Cook

  She closed her eyes and pressed the letter to her chest. For a long time she hunched over the piece of paper, desperate for a way back to then, a way to know how he had felt for her. She heard him moving, felt him take the seat beside her, but it didn’t fully register until she felt him put his arm around her shoulders.

  Instead of saying anything, he let her cry. Let the losses of a thousand yesterdays have their way with her. In the recesses of her mind, the feeling of his arm around her only made her more upset. Because this was a last time, a final good-bye. And what if she never had anyone again in all her life who loved her the way Nolan Cook had loved her the summer before their sophomore year?

  Finally, she folded the letter and set it carefully on the ground. She covered her face with her hands and dried her eyes. She had to look a mess, eyes and nose red and swollen, but she didn’t care. She had to tell him how much the letter meant. “I never knew.” She angled herself so she could see him. Their knees touched in the darkness, and her eyes stayed on his. “That was beautiful, Nolan. Sweetest letter I’ve ever read.”

  “Thanks.” He didn’t look different. If she didn’t know about his fame and success, she could’ve believed he hadn’t changed at all. He allowed a slight grin, just enough, given the gravity of the moment. “I already read yours.”

  “Can I see it?” She remembered what she’d written, sort of. But she wanted to see the words again.

  He took the second letter from the box and handed it to her. “It’s not as good as mine.”

  “Fine.” She sniffed and took the paper from him. His teasing disarmed her, made her wonder again if she’d ever left for San Diego at all. She tried to stay in the moment, in the current year, where they belonged.

  Dear Nolan,

  First, I’m only doing this because you won’t read it for eleven years. Ha ha. Okay, here I go. You want to know how I feel about you?

  He was still beside her, still watching her, and again her tears came. These were her words, the ones she’d penned that awful night. And every syllable reminded her of the truth, of how much she cared, how much she’d missed him ever since. She told him how she loved that he was her best friend, and she loved the way he stuck up for her when Billy Barren made fun of her pigtails.

  A half smile came over her when she read the next line.

  Sorry you got in trouble for tripping him, but not really. I love that, too.

  She went on to tell him how she loved that he came to the aid of a kid being bullied, and how much she loved watching him play basketball. Ellie wanted to go back in time and hug the girl she’d been then, tell her to guard her heart, because after that night nothing would ever feel like this again. She read the rest of her letter slowly, each word finding its rightful place in her heart.

  Here’s the part I could never tell you right now. Because it’s too soon or maybe too late, since I’m leaving in the morning. I loved how it felt earlier tonight when you hugged me. It never felt like that before. And when you took me into your garage and then over here to the park, I loved how my hand felt in yours. If I’m really honest, Nolan, I love when you tell me you’re going to marry me. What I didn’t really understand until tonight is that it isn’t only those things that I love.

  I love being here, just me and you, and just hearing you breathe. I love sitting beneath this tree with you. So, yeah, I guess that’s it. If we don’t see each other for eleven years, then I want you to know the truth about how I really feel.

  I love you.

  There. I said it.

  Don’t forget me.

  Love,

  Ellie

  Again the sorrow was so great she couldn’t lift her head. Her tears didn’t come with sobs, like before, but rather, like a slow leak in her heart. Like a safety valve making certain she wouldn’t drown in the endless rushing river of sadness. She folded the paper and set it on top of the other one near her feet. It was all such a waste, the feelings they’d had, their friendship. The way they’d loved each other back then. How could eleven years have come and gone? After this, she would have to forgive her father all over again. How could he move her away from Nolan and her mother? The two people who loved her most in all the world?

  She covered her face once more, grieving losses too great to measure. Eventually, she felt Nolan’s hand on her knee. “Ellie . . . you okay?”

  She pressed her back against the bark as she sat straighter, as she allowed herself to look at him. “It’s just . . . so sad. You and me.” She felt safe saying it. After all, he had wanted her to read his letter. He had to know how it would make her feel. “Eleven years. We can’t ever get that back.” Ellie realized something that hadn’t hit her before. Nolan’s eyes were dry. She tilted her head, trying to read him. “You aren’t sad?”

  “No.” He drew a full breath and released it slowly. His eyes never left hers. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.” She couldn’t convince herself that he didn’t care. He was kind, and he was here. This was more than a chance to pity her. He wanted this trip back to who they’d been as badly as she did.

  The distance between them wasn’t great, but he slid a little closer. He held both his hands out and slowly, tentatively, took hold of hers. With their hands joined, he showed the first signs of concern, of fear, even. “Are you seeing someone?”

  She was confused again. “You mean . . . dating?”

  “Right. Dating, engaged. Involved.” He ran his thumbs along the sides of her hands. “Is there anyone else, Ellie?”

  “No.” Her broken heart couldn’t take this, not if his questions were merely surface talk. But they weren’t. She still knew him that well. The depth in his eyes was absolutely intentional. “Kinzie’s dad . . . he left me after she was born.” The shame was there, the same as it had been when she was nineteen. “A few months later, he died in Iraq, in battle.” She shook her head. “There hasn’t been anyone since.”

  Again he inched closer. He didn’t say he was sorry about her past or comment on it at all. Instead, he brought her hands to his lips and did something that nearly stopped her heart. He kissed her fingers. The whole time he kept his eyes on hers. “Me, either.” He let go of one of her hands, picked up the letters, and held them up. “Not since this.”

  Ellie felt her head begin to spin, her heart racing wildly one more time. What was he saying? Was she dreaming? “The news . . . they said you and Kari Garrett . . .”

  Nolan smiled. “The news? Come on, Ellie. Last week they said I was quitting basketball to take up singing.”

  She laughed out loud, and the feeling was wonderful.

  “I went out with her once.” His smile faded. “I bored her. Only talked about one thing.”

  She didn’t look away, didn’t do anything to break the moment. “What did you talk about?”

  “How much I missed this girl I knew when I was fifteen. A girl I was going to marry.”

  It had to be a dream. In her wildest imaginings, she’d never dreamed Nolan felt this way. She held on to his hands and closed her eyes, and she was eight or nine again. The two of them had gone to Forsyth Park, and Nolan had pushed her on the merry-go-round. Faster and faster and faster he spun her until she had to close her eyes so her body could catch up with reality.

  Exactly how she felt now.

  Before she knew what was happening, he helped her gently to her feet. She opened her eyes and looked at him, at the face she had loved since she was a little girl. For the first time tonight, tears shone in his eyes. “Come here.” His voice was a whisper, and slowly, so slowly, for the first time since that long ago summer, he pulled her into his arms. For a long time he just held her, rocked her to the beating of their hearts. After a while he framed her face with his hands. “I told you, I’m not letting you get away again.”

  “But . . .” Doubts crowded in around her, trying to steal every good thing about the way she felt. “You don’t know anything a
bout me. You don’t know where I live or where I work . . .” Her voice fell. “Or what I believe.”

  “Ellie.” He didn’t waver, didn’t blink. “I know you. That’s all that matters.” The concern in his eyes gave way to love. A love she had never felt or known or imagined. “We can figure out the rest. God brought us this far.”

  God.

  A chill ran along Ellie’s arms and legs and turned her stomach upside down. Her mother’s words came back to her all at once. Ask God to show Himself to you . . . He wants His people to ask Him. Ellie’s knees felt weak. She put her head on Nolan’s chest and felt his pounding heart. He was real and he was here. She held on, warm in his embrace. Yes, this was really happening! After all this time, the two of them were here together, and Nolan still cared about her. Which could only mean . . .

  Ellie tried to catch her breath. Half an hour ago she had asked God to show Himself to her, and now Nolan Cook was holding her and saying he had never loved anyone else. She let that thought surround her, let it wash over her. If that wasn’t God showing Himself to be real, she didn’t know what was. After all this time, Nolan Cook still loved her, still wanted her! Which could mean only one thing.

  God was indeed real. Not only that, but like Nolan, God still loved her.

  He loved her more than she could comprehend.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Nolan had more to say, and Kinzie needed somewhere to sleep.

  That was how he came up with the plan to head back to her mother’s home. Ellie could wait and leave in a few days. Or a few weeks. There was no way he was letting her go tonight. Caroline answered the door in her bathrobe, and though she clearly had countless questions, she asked none of them. She hesitated, but only for a few surprised seconds. “Ellie. Nolan. Come in. Please.”

  Nolan smiled; he hadn’t been able to stop smiling. “Thank you.” He held Kinzie in his arms, and now he laid her on the sofa near the front window. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Caroline and Ellie hug. For a long time. When he returned to them, Caroline turned to him and hugged him, too. As she pulled back she met his eyes. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

  “Me, too.” Nolan hoped his next question wouldn’t be awkward. “Ma’am, it’s late. Do you mind if I stay on the sofa? So Ellie and I can talk?”

  “Not at all. Please.” Her mother’s eyes grew teary. She smiled at Ellie for a long moment. “You did what I asked you to do.” It wasn’t a question.

  “I did.” Ellie hugged her mom again. “I have my answer.”

  “Yes.” She looked at Nolan and back at Ellie. “I believe you do.”

  After that, she bade them both good night and headed back to bed. When they were alone, Nolan turned to Ellie. He took her in his arms again. “Where were we?”

  “Dreaming.” Her expression was a mix of shock and joy. A joy that reminded him of the girl he had grown up with. She searched his eyes. “I keep asking myself . . . is this really happening?”

  Relief continued to make its way through Nolan’s soul. This was his Ellie, the girl he remembered, the one he had missed and searched for. “It’s real. I’m not going anywhere.” He wanted to kiss her so badly, but not yet. They had more to talk about. Like a pair of middle-school kids slow dancing to the last song of the night, neither of them wanted to let go. Their faces were inches apart, both of them swaying to the feel of their beating hearts, lost in the moment. “You really thought I didn’t remember?”

  “You didn’t say anything.” Her words came easily, her expression open. She was even more beautiful than he remembered, and now that she wasn’t pretending to be someone who didn’t care, her laughter, her words, the way she spoke all went straight to his heart. All of it was familiar, as if they’d never lost a day.

  He put his hand alongside her face and ran his thumb along her cheek. “You acted like you didn’t know me.”

  A soft bit of laughter came from her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “Tell me everything, Ellie. All of it.” He breathed in the sweet smell of her perfume, the hint of jasmine in her hair. All the years of searching and wondering and missing her. Now he wanted to know everything he’d missed. “Please.”

  She searched his eyes. “Where do I start?”

  “June second, 2002. The day you left Savannah.”

  She laughed again, careful not to wake Kinzie. “All of it?”

  “Okay.” He grinned at her. “How about the main points.” His smile held her, captured the feel of her in his arms. “We can talk details tomorrow. And the next day.”

  They kept slow dancing, but slowly, gradually, the story began to pour from her. She told him about moving to San Diego, and together they remembered her frantic call to him from the grocery store.

  “You were going to send me your address.”

  “I did. Three times.” A look of resignation filled her eyes. “I figured it out a few years ago. My dad always sent postcards instead of letters. The three times I sent you a letter, I used the stamps from his bedside table. I never put a return address, because . . . well, I didn’t want anyone to return the letter to me. Besides, we didn’t have our permanent address then. But since I was sending a letter with a postcard stamp, I never had enough postage. When they didn’t come back to me, I didn’t know you never got them. I never dreamed the letters wouldn’t make it to you.”

  Nolan struggled for a moment with the anger he sometimes felt toward Ellie’s father. The man’s control of Ellie back then had been complete. He worked to keep his tone even. “I waited every day. And when your letter didn’t come, my dad wanted to help me figure out how to find you. But then . . .” He took a long breath, a fresh sadness grabbing at his heart. He struggled in silence for a long moment. “I miss him. The pain of losing him . . . it never really goes away.”

  “I’m sorry.” Her eyes searched his. “He was a wonderful man. A great coach.”

  “He was such a great dad.” Nolan felt his expression grow more intense. “I would give up playing basketball for one more day with him, one more hour.” He touched her cheek. “It’s why I’m glad you forgave your dad.” She had told him that much back at the park. “He made terrible mistakes over the years. But he gave you the letters.” He felt intoxicated by her, holding her this way. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have found you.”

  She kept her arms looped around his neck. “I can’t hate him.” A sad sigh came from her. “That’s what I meant back at the tree.” She framed his face with her hand. “It’s all so sad. My mom was fighting her own battle. My father was acting crazy. We were just a couple of kids, Nolan. No wonder we lost touch.”

  “But at some point . . .” His words came slowly, marked by a sad truth he was still trying to understand. “You didn’t want me to find you.”

  “True.” Guilt darkened her eyes. Her tone spoke volumes about her regret. “I . . . I changed my last name. Legally.” She waited, as if she could only hope he would understand. “I’m Ellie Anne now. My middle name.”

  “Ahhh. No wonder.” Nolan hurt for her, for what she’d been through. He hoped she could see the understanding in his eyes. “I hired a private investigator. As soon as I signed my first pro contract. Didn’t help, obviously.” He touched her hair and ran his fingers along the back of her head. “The guy guessed you might have changed your name.”

  “You did that?” Her shock was genuine.

  “Of course. I told you, I missed you.” He brushed his cheek against hers. “I never stopped trying to find you.” He ran his knuckles lightly against her shoulder. “What happened next?”

  “After I sent the letters . . . you didn’t write to me. I thought . . . I thought you moved on. You know, busy with high school and basketball.” She looked ashamed by her long-ago assumptions. “I didn’t know about your dad.”

  “I mean after high school. What happened after that?” He led her to a smaller sofa across from where Kinzie was sleeping. They sat facing each other, and again he took her hands in his. He
couldn’t get enough of the way he felt alive just being with her again. “Tell me, Ellie.” There was no judgment or condemnation in his voice. “What was his name?”

  Her hesitation didn’t last long. “C.J. Andrews.” There wasn’t much to the story. Ellie explained that at a time when her father suspected her of doing any number of sinful things, C.J. was a ray of light. A reason to laugh again. “I never loved him. But, I don’t know, he made me feel good about myself. After years with my dad, I guess that was enough.”

  The truth hurt more than Nolan had guessed it would. If only he’d been there, if only he’d found a way to reach her sooner. “I’m sorry.”

  This time she didn’t get mad at his apology. She smiled and looked briefly at her sleeping daughter. “I have Kinzie. I’ll never be sorry for that.” She told him how she’d earned her cosmetology license and started cutting hair for a living. “Kinzie . . . she’s been everything to me. I love her more than life.”

  Nolan looked across the room at the girl. “She looks so much like you.” He hesitated. “Her name? The street where we always met.”

  “Yes.” She didn’t waver. “Happiest times of my life.”

  He touched her hair again, still trying to believe she was here with him. “Having Kinzie . . . It’s like the Bible says. God works everything to the good for those who love Him.”

  She was quiet at that. He might’ve imagined it, but her expression seemed a little more closed off. It was something else they hadn’t talked about—her faith. His was public, of course. People knew him as much for the way he gave credit to his Savior after every game as for his basketball skills. But she hadn’t mentioned God since they found each other at the park. “Ellie . . . do you still believe? In God . . . in His word? His plan?”