ZAAN (Sidewinders: Generations Book 1)

by Kat Mizera

  “I think that’s where the breakdown is,” I admitted. “I don’t want to treat her like a child, or worse, like she can’t take care of herself because she’s a woman. But at the same time, I want to be there for her, make sure she’s truly okay, take care of her…but I don’t know how to do that if we’re never in the same city.”

  “There’s no easy answer,” Rob said with a wry smile. “She’s stubborn as hell and fiercely independent. You’re going to have to toe the line, find the balance that works for the two of you.”

  “Is it different with your boys?” I asked.

  “It is and I’m not proud of that, but no matter how hard I try, I worry a lot more about Lexi than the boys. Of course, they’re younger and don’t have targets on their backs the way she does, but in general, Lexi is the child that keeps me awake at night.”

  “And now that’s falling on me.”

  “To be fair, even if the two of you get married and have a million kids and live to be a hundred, as long as I’m alive, I’m still going to worry about her. That’s part of being a father. So you’re not taking over the worry, you’re just joining me in it.”

  I gave him a wry grin. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

  “Maybe?”

  We chuckled.

  “I have a stepdaughter in college,” Jared said, joining the conversation from across the aisle. “She’s a good kid, but I worry about her all the time. She had an old boyfriend stalking her last summer and it was terrifying. He broke into the house. If I hadn’t gotten there when I did, who knows what might have happened? And she’s not a celebrity. So I can’t imagine what you’ll go through with Lexi. Maybe you should chat with Brock and Vlad. They’re married to big stars, and they seem to manage fairly well.”

  “That’s a good idea,” I said to him. “Thank you.”

  “I can’t tell you what to do in your relationship,” Rob said under his breath. “But you have to think about what you want long-term. Short-term, it sounds like everything is a mess, but is there a calmer, less stressful future coming up? Are your goals the same going forward? Do you want kids? A home? A family? Or do you want to just party and have fun? They’re all fair questions, but only the two of you can answer them.”

  “I want a home, a family, all that traditional stuff, but I’m not ready for kids yet and I definitely want to take a few years to party and have fun. I just want to do it with her, and how can we do any of it if we never see each other?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t envy the situation, but maybe a break is a good thing. Time to think and remember how much you disliked not being together. Or maybe you’ll realize that it’s easier being apart and this was the best thing you could have done.”

  “It definitely doesn’t feel like it was the best thing,” I admitted. “I don’t know how to reconcile how much I love her with what’s actually going on.”

  “Then this is your time to figure it out.”

  “And focus on hockey,” Jared quipped dryly, giving me a look.

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m on it, Coach.”

  I said the words but that was complete bullshit. No matter what I told myself, hockey was the last thing on my mind.

  21

  Lexi

  I’d known being on tour with Special Kay would suck, and I’d been lulled into a false sense of security those first few dates, but now that we were officially on the road, Marj and Tayla were as bitchy and miserable as ever. Pam was mostly silent, but she’d never been the problem. Patrick was a buffer, but there were band-related things that forced me to be in close proximity with the girls on a regular basis, so there wasn’t a lot he could do other than protect me from being physically harmed. Rehearsals and sound checks were the worst, and within a week, I was ready to pull my hair out.

  I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on with Zaan and me, or what a break meant in practice, but he hadn’t called or texted and I hadn’t either. I felt bad because we were both being stubborn and childish, and that wasn’t how people in love were supposed to behave. I couldn’t imagine him not loving me anymore, or me not loving him, which left us at this uncomfortable impasse. With me on the road again, I couldn’t work on things either, and frankly, I didn’t want to.

  We played almost every night, so I was too busy to breathe, and as much as I hated it, we were more popular than ever. The press mobbed us after every show, radio stations wanted us on the air, journalists called for phone interviews, and seventy-five percent of the attention was on me, driving the other girls crazy. Tayla and Marj were up my ass every chance they got, Pam ignored me altogether, and I wasn’t always sure which was worse. At least I still had Lula, since she was still our bus driver, but I rarely got time to talk to her.

  Patrick was a good guy who took his job seriously, but he didn’t talk much either, which left me alone a lot more than I was used to after having been home for a month. I talked to my father or Mack almost every day, I texted Tawdra on and off all day, and I checked in with Casey as often as possible as well. The bus rides between cities were the hardest, keeping me locked in my little partitioned-off area with my headphones and computer. Patrick was always nearby, so I was able to rest, but looking at seven more weeks of this was depressing.

  By the time we got to Winnipeg two weeks later, I’d forgotten all about Zaan’s parents wanting to come to the show, so I was caught off guard when he texted me.

  ZAAN: Hey. I haven’t said anything to my parents about our situation and my mom is really looking forward to the show tonight. Can you please put them on the list? It would mean a lot to me.

  LEXI: Of course. Don’t be silly. I’ll take care of it right now.

  ZAAN: Thank you.

  LEXI: So, am I supposed to pretend everything is fine between us or have you told them we’re on a “break”?

  ZAAN: I haven’t told them anything. It’s up to you.

  LEXI: If it comes up, I’ll tell them a light version of the truth, that we’re struggling with the distance between us. Okay?

  ZAAN: That’s fine.

  I stared at the screen, desperate for him to say something else. That he missed me. That he still loved me. Anything. Finally, gritting my teeth, I reached out.

  LEXI: So, how are you? I saw the game the other night. You looked good.

  ZAAN: Trying to keep my head in the game. I don’t know if it’s working, but with the playoffs right around the corner, I can’t afford any distractions.

  LEXI: Does that include me?

  It seemed like a long time before he answered and his response made me want to cry.

  ZAAN: To a degree. Nothing is ever easy with us and I don’t have time for anything hard right now.

  LEXI: I’m sorry I’m something that makes your life difficult.

  ZAAN: That’s not what I meant. I just meant I don’t want to argue all the time, not leading into the playoffs. Once the season is over, I can focus on us.

  LEXI: Hopefully, I’ll be home before the playoffs are over. Do you not want to see me?

  ZAAN: I don’t know yet, babe. I just don’t know.

  That hurt so much I almost couldn’t breathe, so I didn’t respond, and instead texted Bernie, asking him to put Mr. and Mrs. Hagen on the guest list for the night. I’d leave tickets and backstage passes for them at will call, and instructions for them to come backstage right after the show. I wasn’t sure how this was going to go, but I wasn’t petty enough to refuse to meet his parents.

  Zaan’s parents, Oskar and Nora Hagen, were proud Norwegians who’d given up their lives in Bergen, Norway, to move Zaan to Winnipeg, Canada, so he could play at a higher level of hockey. They’d moved there when he was eleven or twelve and never left. According to Zaan, the plan was supposed to be temporary, until they figured out if he was NHL-bound or not, but they’d settled into their lives there and liked it. His mother was a nurse and his father a high school math teacher, and they both had jobs they loved, so even when he’d left to play professionally, they’
d stayed in Canada.

  They spent parts of each summer in Norway, and Zaan usually joined them, but he’d once lamented that much of his heritage had faded after so many years in North America. He still spoke Norwegian, since that had been his first language, but he no longer had an accent and said he sometimes struggled to remember certain Norwegian words and phrases.

  “It’s so good to finally meet you!” Nora was tall with Zaan’s coloring and a bright smile. “Zaan has told us so much about you, and I have to admit, I’ve stalked you on YouTube, looking for music videos.”

  I smiled. “Thank you. It’s great you’re a fan. It was a fantastic way to start my career, but I’ll be happy to move on to something new when this tour is over.”

  “What will you be doing?”

  “I’m getting ready to start a project with the members of Pretty Harts. I don’t know if you’re familiar with them.” We were in my dressing room, so I wasn’t worried about anyone hearing us.

  “They’re one of the biggest bands in the world,” Nora laughed. “And I’m a grunge relic left over from the nineties. Nirvana is probably my favorite band ever.”

  “Definitely groundbreaking with their music,” I agreed, warming to her immediately.

  “So you’ll be joining another band now?” Oskar asked. “Going back on tour and the like?”

  “I honestly don’t know,” I admitted. “Right now it’s just an album, perhaps a few videos, but it really depends on what happens when it goes live. If it sells. If there’s demand for a tour, stuff like that. I’m trying to take things one day at a time. My experience with Special Kay hasn’t been all that great, so before I sign anything else, I plan to be super careful about everything, and even more careful about the people I choose to work with. I don’t ever want to be in another situation where I’m bullied every day because I’m more talented or because I’m not interested in drugs.”

  Nora grimaced. “That sounds terrible. Is it still happening?”

  “Not as much, but that’s why I’ve got a personal bodyguard now. It’s exhausting.”

  “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

  “It’s been a learning experience,” I said. “And hopefully I’ll make better decisions going forward.”

  “It’s always important to surround yourself with people you trust,” Oskar told me. “No matter what industry you’re in.”

  “I agree.” I smiled at him. He was tall and still in good shape, handsome and very much like Zaan in both looks and mannerisms.

  “What are your and Zaan’s plans for the summer?” Nora asked.

  I bit my lip, unsure how much to tell them, especially after our stilted text conversation earlier. “We’re going through a rough patch,” I said finally. “He hates that I had to come finish the tour and he really hates the idea of me forming a new band that will probably have to tour. I don’t know how to fix it. I love your son more than anything in the world, but I’m twenty-two. This isn’t the time for me to sit home and make babies. Maybe that’s selfish, but I won’t lie to him.”

  “That doesn’t sound like Zaan at all,” Nora said with a frown. “I can’t imagine him being so closed-minded.”

  “I think it’s hard for him to think about anything during hockey season,” I said, defending him even though the last people I had to do that with were his parents.

  “He’s all caught up in the playoff run,” Oskar said, nodding. “I think it’s probably better you don’t push it until you’re back home.”

  “That’s the plan,” I said slowly. “We haven’t been communicating very well lately and I feel bad about it, but like you said, it’s probably better not to push anything until hockey season is over.”

  “You and Zaan have always had this bond,” Nora said thoughtfully. “I know it’s been a struggle over the years, but his love for you has never faded and I see by the look in your eyes when you talk about him that you feel the same. Don’t give up, Lexi. You’re a fighter, from beating breast cancer to dealing with the insanity of this tour, so don’t let Zaan be the one thing you don’t fight for. I may be biased, but I think he’s worth it, and I think you do too.”

  I smiled. I couldn’t help it. “I do think he’s worth it. The issue is whether or not he thinks I’m worth it.”

  Nora squeezed my hand. “If he didn’t, he would have just ended it instead of this taking a break nonsense. Give him time. Sometimes he needs time to wrap his head around things.”

  “I’ve never seen that side of him,” I admitted. “We met just after I’d been cancer-free for a year and he never hesitated to jump in, no matter what was going on. Seeing this side of him is different.”

  “You were both so young,” Nora murmured. “Also, I don’t think he had a choice but to jump in when you first met. You were in such a bad place mentally. I remember him telling me about your cancer and me thinking how young you were and how terrifying it must have been. I’m so glad you beat it, Lexi.”

  “Me too.” I met her gaze with a smile. “It changed the course of my life, but it also brought me Zaan. If I hadn’t had cancer, Dad never would have played in Vegas, and I probably wouldn’t have met Zaan at all. So while I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, I also don’t have the same kinds of regrets I might have otherwise.”

  “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone either, but if it brought you two together, there was definitely some higher power in charge of all that.”

  “It feels like a long time ago,” I whispered. “And I’ve passed the five-year-cancer-free mark, so I try not to think about it anymore.”

  “Do you get checked every year?”

  “I see an oncologist once a year and of course yearly physicals and all that. I’m pretty conscientious about my health in general but I try not to let it consume me because it did for a while.”

  “The bus leaves in five,” Bernie said, sticking his head in the door. “You coming or not?”

  I hadn’t realized how much time had passed and I nodded at him impatiently. “Can you send Patrick in here, please?”

  He scowled but bowed out.

  “We understand if you have to go,” Nora said quickly, standing up.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, and I meant it. I’d enjoyed meeting them and wished we could spend more time together. “We’re heading to Calgary tonight for the next show so we’re not even spending the night.”

  “Hey, Lex. What’s up?” Patrick lounged against the door curiously.

  “Will you make sure they don’t leave without me while I say goodbye to Zaan’s parents?” I asked him.

  He grinned. “You got it.”

  “Take care of yourself.” Nora hugged me tightly. “And don’t give up on Zaan just yet. You’re both still young and have so much to look forward to. You’ll get through this if you have faith in each other.”

  “Thanks, Nora.” I really wished I didn’t have to leave so soon because they were lovely, and I couldn’t wait to text Zaan as soon as I got on the bus.

  22

  Zaan

  I was about to go to bed when I saw Lexi’s name flash on my screen with a text.

  LEXI: Your parents are lovely. I really enjoyed meeting them. I adore your mom.

  I smiled, despite what was going on with us, because that made me happy. My parents were great and I couldn’t wait to hear what my mom thought of her. My dad didn’t say much about things like this, so he’d probably tell me she was pretty and sweet, maybe comment on her voice, but Mom would give me the full story. Even if they’d hated her, though I was sure they hadn’t.

  ZAAN: I’m really glad. Thank you for doing this.

  LEXI: It was my pleasure. I hated that we had to leave so soon. We’re already on the way to Calgary. Bernie threatened to leave without me. I sicced Patrick on him. Bernie is such a douche.

  ZAAN: I’m glad Patrick is there to help.

  LEXI: Well, I’m going to try to sleep. The girls aren’t partying too hard tonight so maybe I can get some rest before we get to the
hotel.

  ZAAN: Don’t overdo it. You don’t want to blow out your voice.

  LEXI: No, I definitely do not. Anyway, good night.

  ZAAN: Good night.

  I itched to tell her I loved her, but that wouldn’t be fair. I did love her, of course, but with the way things were between us, it didn’t feel right. Which sucked.

  I’d booked my flight to Scotland for Ian’s wedding today and it irked me that I hadn’t booked hers too. No matter what it was, if it was important, she wasn’t there to share it with me. She hadn’t been around either time the Sidewinders had won the championship. She’d never visited Norway with me. Hell, she hadn’t even met my parents until tonight and I wasn’t even there with them. I didn’t like this compartmentalized way we’d been doing things and that seemed to be the root of the issues we were having.

  I was always there when she needed me, but it was never reciprocated. From the little things to major life events, I was on my own until she needed me. Maybe that wasn’t fair, because I’d given her the freedom to fly, to do her own thing. I’d loved her enough to let her go, to believe she would eventually come back to me, that our love was stronger than the distances between us. And she had. That was the kicker. She’d come back, and loved me just as much, perhaps even more, so losing her again was killing me.

  We hadn’t officially ended things, but it felt like it. Barely any communication, awkward conversations when we did have them, and no plans to reconnect. It felt like I had to do something but I wasn’t sure how to save what we had and if I could live with Lexi’s choices if I did. Having her on the road while I was also traveling regularly would make it almost impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. But how could I ask her to stop?

  I shook my head, forcing my thoughts to settle and trying to get some sleep. I’d been playing a little better, but still not as good as I wanted, so I couldn’t allow myself to spiral mentally. Not now, on the brink of the playoffs and while she was finishing a tour that was undoubtedly hard on her. I wanted to reach out so badly sometimes, make sure she was okay, but she had Patrick making sure she wasn’t harmed physically and I had to trust she could take care of herself when it came to the verbal barbs from the rest of the band. We were down to five more weeks, so my goal was to play my ass off until she got back and deal with everything then.