ZAAN (Sidewinders: Generations Book 1)

by Kat Mizera

  The final game of the regular season was against our division rivals in Phoenix, who’d been having a good year. We were in second place in our division, while Phoenix was in third. We’d beat them all three times we’d played them this season and this would be our final meeting, which was ironic since we’d be playing them in the first round of the playoffs, no matter who won tonight.

  Pulling on my gear before the game, I heard my phone buzzing and I grabbed it to see who was sending me messages since I’d have to lock it up in a few minutes.

  LEXI: Have a great game tonight. Thinking of you.

  I stared at it a long time, wondering if there was some meaning to her reaching out like this. Was she trying to mend fences or just being nice because no matter what, we still cared for each other?

  ZAAN: Thanks. Since we’ve clinched, Coach probably won’t put in the starters much so I won’t get a lot of playing time.

  LEXI: Be safe and don’t get hurt. I’ll be watching since we’re off tonight.

  ZAAN: Where are you?

  LEXI: Idaho.

  ZAAN: I’ll text you later if you want?

  LEXI: I’d like that. Xoxo

  I didn’t know what to say so I sent her a red heart emoji and closed my phone. No time to think about her or what these texts meant until after the game.

  We beat Phoenix easily that night and I scored a goal, so I was in a good mood on the flight home. It would be late by the time we landed in Vegas and I got home, so I texted her on the plane.

  ZAAN: Flying home. You still up?

  LEXI: Yeah. Can’t sleep.

  ZAAN: How come? Is everything okay?

  LEXI: Nothing new, just the usual misery with the girls.

  ZAAN: I’m sorry.

  LEXI: It’s okay. It’s more than halfway over.

  ZAAN: I’m sorry things have been the way they are with us too. I’m hoping we can really talk when you get back.

  LEXI: You’ll be balls-deep in the playoffs. I don’t want us to make any life-changing decisions during such an important time for you.

  ZAAN: I’d rather be balls-deep in you.

  LEXI: [shocked emoji] No…really? LOL

  ZAAN: I do miss you, honey. You know that, right?

  LEXI: I do. And we’ll figure something out. You’ll see. I’m not giving up on us.

  ZAAN: I’m not giving up either. I miss you.

  LEXI: Me too. Well, I’m going to try to sleep. I’ll talk to you soon.

  ZAAN: How about we try to talk on the phone tomorrow or the next day? Before the playoffs start for me.

  LEXI: I’ll have some time tomorrow.

  ZAAN: Talk then.

  LEXI: Good night.

  I closed my phone and leaned my head back against the seat. Maybe there was hope for us after all.

  When we finally got on the phone the following day, the conversation went in a direction I didn’t expect. Apparently, a lot had been happening behind the scenes with Pretty Harts.

  “I had a crazy thought…so just hear me out before you say no.”

  “Okay.”

  “Things between us have been off, and we’re probably both responsible, but I had an idea that could be super fun for both of us.”

  “Shoot.”

  “Is there anything in your contract about things you do in the off-season, like movies or commercials or whatever?”

  I wasn’t sure where she was going with this. “No, as long as I don’t advertise the Sidewinders or anything to do with the league. Why?”

  “What if you did the music video I told you about, for ‘Paradise by the Dashboard Light,’ with me, instead of some random model?”

  “Me?” I was stunned. “I don’t know anything about acting.”

  “Sure you do. You put on a show every time you get on the ice. I mean, this is a different thing, and in our case, it would be mostly sex-oriented. You and me on a date, making out, and then the underlying theme of two young adults who aren’t sure they want to have sex yet or not. Just like the lyrics of the song.”

  “I don’t know about this, Lexi. It sounds like fun, but I’m not a model or an actor.”

  “You don’t have to be. You’re gorgeous—trust me—if you weren’t, I wouldn’t even suggest it. And I think it’s a given we can pull off the look of horny young lovers. We don’t have the storyline done yet, but it would loosely follow the song and you and I would have a blast doing it. And then we wouldn’t have to be apart while we’re filming.”

  “It could definitely be fun,” I said thoughtfully, “but don’t worry about me when it comes to stuff like that. You do what you have to do. If you think this is a serious possibility, I’ll make sure to run it by my agent, but Brock had a part in one of his wife’s movies and Vlad played the part of a hockey player on an episode of the TV show his wife stars in, so I think it would be fine.”

  “But do you want to?” Her voice was soft, with a hint of uncertainty I didn’t normally hear from her.

  “I mean, modeling and acting have never been on my radar, so it’s not something I’ve given any thought to, but if doing a music video with you is on the table, I’d be down for it. Sure.”

  “Okay. I just, you know, don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

  “You’re not. Really.”

  We were quiet for a few seconds before she said, “So, what did your parents say about me?”

  I smiled. “They loved you. Mom said now she understands why I love you so much.”

  She paused. “Do you? Still love me?”

  “You don’t have to ask that. I don’t know if we can make this work, but my feelings for you haven’t changed. I don’t know that anything will ever change how I feel about you. Even if we decide we ultimately can’t be together.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. This separation has been hard.”

  “Has it made you miss me?”

  “I always miss you. More than anything, this separation made it clear that I hate when we’re apart like this.”

  The silence between us was frustrating and it felt like the little bit of ground we’d picked up was gone again.

  “Well, we’ll work on it,” she said softly.

  23

  Lexi

  Now that I’d spoken to Zaan about the idea of shooting a music video together, I mentioned it to Casey a few days later when we spoke on the phone.

  “Oh, that does sound like fun,” she agreed. “And he’s hot. I imagine he has a gorgeous body too, being a pro athlete, so something where he takes his shirt off is in order…”

  We both giggled.

  “He definitely has a gorgeous body,” I said. “There are a lot of details, though. We have to think about the timing, and there’s no way he can do it before the season ends. If they go all the way, then that’s mid-June.”

  “I don’t think I can get a video shoot scheduled before June anyway.”

  “Yeah, but there’s a slight glitch… He’s in a wedding toward the end of the month—I have to double-check the exact date—and I get the feeling I’m going to be on everyone’s shit list if I can’t go with him. It’s in Scotland.”

  “Ohhh.” Casey sounded thoughtful. “Well, we all have responsibilities. Let’s have a conference call in the next few days with everyone. We’ll make a list of songs and who’s singing and playing on each. Then we’ll go from there. Tyler and Bash are playing on all of them, but you, Jayson, Ford, Stu and I are not, so we can make a schedule.”

  “Thank you. That saves me a lot of headache because Zaan is really struggling with the idea of me jumping right into another project.”

  “Is it causing trouble between you?”

  “We’re technically on a break, whatever that means. I don’t know what’s come over him since we got back together. He’s never been possessive or controlling before, and though he’s really not now either, he keeps trying to fix things and that’s not what I nee
d in a partner. Yes, he just wants to do something that’ll allow us to be together more, but we’ll be apart anyway because of hockey. Not as much as me going on tour for a year or more at a time, but the idea of just sitting home doing nothing… I don’t know. I’m so confused because he’s not the same man I fell in love with.”

  “Well, it’s been three years or something, right? You’ve both grown up in that time, but it’s also possible he’s going through something else, you know? You said he hadn’t been playing well and while he had a good week leading up to the playoffs, maybe he’s afraid of being traded or being sent down to the minors or whatever. I don’t know exactly how it works, but I’m sure it’s hard for him to be there for you if there’s something going on with him.”

  “He hasn’t said anything,” I replied. “And how can I be there for him if he doesn’t talk to me? If something like that is going on, and he’s kept it to himself, I don’t know what that means for us in terms of having a future.”

  “All I can say is, communication is important, my friend. But as far as this project goes, know that I have the power to rearrange things however we need to. I’m laying down guitar tracks with Tyler and Bash now, and Ford and Stu are coming in to do some work next week. By the time you and Jayson get to town, we’ll be ready for vocals and piano, and this album can be done by July. If, and I emphasize the word if, there’s any talk at all of touring, it would have to be smaller venues and not a lot of dates. I won’t be available for any of them, and probably not Jayson either, but the five of you that are left will need to be firm in what your needs are.”

  “In my experience, the record company makes all the plans and either I’m in or I’m out.”

  “That’s not what this is going to be,” Casey said. “This isn’t Special Kay and anything that has my name on it will have flexibility. And you remember that when the time comes for you to move on, whether it’s with these guys or something else completely, you hold on to your power. Find a powerhouse attorney who’ll advocate just for you—not the rest of the band and not the record company. Surround yourself with people you trust, no matter what anyone promises you. And I’m always here for you. Always. Even once I’m back in Europe doing my royal duties.”

  “Thank you.” Her kind words made me tear up a little and I did my best to breathe. “You’re a good friend, Casey. I hope you know how much I appreciate you.”

  “I do. And the feeling is mutual. Now, get out there and kick some ass tonight and I’ll let you know everyone’s availability for a conference call.”

  “Thank you. Talk soon.” I disconnected and slowly put my phone away.

  Casey’s thoughts about retaining control and surrounding myself with people who only had my best interests at heart were some of the most profound things anyone had ever said to me professionally. Yes, some of it was common sense, but I hadn’t thought about taking control like that. To date, most of the control was retained by Special Kay and the record company. Going forward, it wouldn’t be like that. The issue, of course, would be getting out of the final portion of my contract with Special Kay.

  I was taking this tour one day at a time, trying to get through it, and though I wanted to get out of the subsequent album more than I wanted to breathe, I also didn’t want to go bankrupt doing it. Zaan would probably give me every dime he had to make that happen, but I’d never take money from him for that. That was no way to start our life together, so I had to handle this. I had to get control of the situation, one way or another. Maybe it was time for me to find another attorney, as Zaan had suggested, someone who wasn’t involved with the record company. It felt like the time was right for me to be a lot more proactive. Especially if it meant saving my relationship with Zaan. I was going to see who Casey used and hopefully get a recommendation.

  The show that night was a disaster. Marj and Tayla forgot the lyrics to several songs, Pam was off-key, and it felt like I was holding up the whole damn band. The four of us had worked out our parts to the songs and the dance routines that went with them ages ago, so it should have been old hat by now. I could move, but I wasn’t the strongest dancer, so I made up for it in vocals. Pam was classically trained in ballet and tap, and normally took the lead with choreography, but she’d been off for the last week.

  As usual, as soon as we got off the stage, they all turned on me as if their shortcomings were somehow my fault, just as they’d done before. My talk with Casey had bolstered my resolve not to let them push me around anymore, though, and I fought back tonight.

  “I’m not the one who fucked up,” I snapped, hands on my hips. “Pam was off-key and Tayla practically fell off the stage during the opening number. You guys can talk shit all you want, but when it’s all said and done, you’re a bunch of losers riding my coattails. You think I’m a bitch? Just wait. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.” I turned on my heel and ran to the bus, brushing past Lula and sinking down in my bunk. Though I’d held my own with them, I still felt like crying, but while I wanted nothing more than to call Zaan, I couldn’t.

  I always turned to him when I was upset, and for some reason I wasn’t comfortable doing that now. We’d essentially been walking on eggshells with each other lately and I hated that more than anything. At least we were talking again, but part of me resented the fact that I couldn’t turn to him when I needed him.

  Instead, I called Tyler.

  “Hey, Lex. Where you at?”

  “Chicago.” I tried to keep my voice level but he heard the catch as I spoke.

  “Are you crying?” His voice softened.

  “Just had another blowout with the girls and I want this fucking tour to be over.”

  “How much time is left? Two weeks?”

  “Three.”

  “Ugh. I’m sorry. What can I do?”

  “Just talk me off the ledge before I walk out again.”

  “Okay, don’t do that. We have lots of good stuff coming up soon with our project, so you don’t want to have to leave to make up more dates again.”

  “I know.” I swiped at my eyes and tried to breathe evenly. “So tell me what’s going on… Give me something good to think about.”

  “Well, the songs are coming along great and Jayson is going to be getting to town right around the time you get back, so I think we’ll have this album done ahead of schedule. Casey’s looking into scheduling some showcase performances in Vegas and L.A. to build some buzz about the release, so we’re going to start rehearsing for those right away.”

  “Do we have any idea about dates?” I asked, thinking about Ian and Everly’s wedding.

  “Not yet, but probably mid- to late June.”

  I grimaced. “Yeah, let me know what you find out. I’m supposed to be in Scotland at the end of June for a wedding and it’s kind of important.”

  “Well, once you get back to Vegas, we’ll deal with all the logistics.”

  We talked another half an hour and I was in a better mood when we hung up. I was so excited about this project, it was the only thing getting me through these last few weeks on tour. I’d hoped it would be getting back to Zaan that would be my driving force, but though we were talking again, it wasn’t the same, no matter how hard I’d been trying. It didn’t feel like Zaan was willing to compromise, which was as surprising as it was hurtful.

  I had to try to keep the lines of communication open, though, so I called him since I was thinking about the wedding anyway and we needed to talk about that some more.

  “Do you think you’ll be able to go to the wedding with me?” he asked when I brought it up.

  “I’m not sure yet. The wedding is on that Saturday, right? I’m assuming there will be the usual rehearsal dinner type thing the night before and then maybe some post-wedding send-off on Sunday?”

  “Yeah. I don’t have the details, but Ian and Everly aren’t leaving for their honeymoon until the Monday after the wedding, which means there are probably events beyond the wedding itself.”

  “What was your plan
before we got back together?” I asked. “Would you have gone to Scotland earlier? Stayed longer?”

  “I probably would have flown in with Tore and some of the other guys, and we’d have spent at least a week there, yeah.”

  “I don’t think I can take a full week,” I admitted. “I was thinking I’d fly out on Wednesday, arrive Thursday morning, come home Monday. Does that work for you?”

  He sighed.

  “What?” I asked. “I don’t think I can take that much time off in the middle of getting this album done, especially with us trying to finish as much as possible before Casey has her baby.”

  “I know, babe. I just… I was thinking of taking you to Norway before we came home, and introducing you to the rest of my family. My parents usually spend the summer there, so it would be good to see them too.”

  “You can still go,” I said.

  “That’s not the point,” he replied quietly.

  This time I sighed. “I’m sorry, babe. We can go later in the summer, though. I mean, it’s not a big deal for us to fly to Europe twice, is it?”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “We should get the Harley out of storage,” I said, sensing he was getting stressed.

  “Are you going to have time to ride?” he asked pointedly.

  “I’ll make the time. Also, can you find out what I have to wear to the wedding if I go? Is it super formal?”

  “Oh, yeah. Ian’s in line to be the next duke of whatever, so his wedding is a big deal.”