On Paper Wings

by Magan Vernon

I thought I might have at least a few minutes alone to go over everything that was racking my brain, but just as Dr. Brown shut the door, it opened again and I heard the familiar click of a pair of Louboutin’s.

  I involuntarily gasped as my mother entered the room. I didn’t have time to mentally prepare myself for that moment. For the inevitable tongue lashing that I was expecting. I knew she was coming, but I still wasn’t ready. I had no idea what to say, so I just followed her with my eyes as she walked to the edge of my bed.

  This wasn’t the same mom that I feared in my head. There was something different about her. Something much softer. Instead of her usual business suit, she was in a pair of jeans and a sweater, and her hair up in a loose bun.

  “Well, this wasn’t the call I expected to get on Thanksgiving,” she said with a deep sigh as if she was letting out the weight of the world.

  I licked my lips, unsure of how to respond. I just wanted her to yell, to give me something. Anything.

  “I thought you were doing so much better being here. When you came home in August, I saw a different Libby. One I thought was gone a long time ago.”

  I shook my head, looking in the other direction toward the window. “I guess you were wrong, and this means I’ll be going back home soon. Probably have my black card cut in half, my car taken, and never leave the house while I do online school.”

  “Do you really think that’s the right thing to do?” she asked.

  “Um..what?” I snapped my head in her direction. She never asked me questions like that. It was always just a punishment from her and dad.

  She shook her head. “Libby, I’m not going to punish you. I’m here because I’m worried about you. I’m always worried about you. If I would have known that things were this bad, I would have talked to a counselor months ago and seen what we could have done. I’d do anything to help you.”

  “I don’t even know if I could have helped myself.”

  Mom sat down at the edge of the bed. “And that’s okay. If you need help, then we’re going to get it for you. You don’t need to do this alone. There’s a lot of people here that want to see you get better, that boyfriend of yours included. He was still out in the waiting room when I got here.”

  “Blaine is still here?” I raised my eyebrows. Even though he said he would stay around, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he ran far away from me, especially since it looked like I was probably going back home.

  Mom nodded. “He is, and I don’t think I could make him leave if I wanted to. Despite what’s going through your head right now, I hope you’ll eventually see how many people are here for you. No matter what. Your father and I love you. It’s why we sent you to Louisiana in the first place, to help you out. I think sometimes we all just get so wrapped up in everything that it’s hard to get ourselves out of it.”

  “True...” I nodded.

  “But you will. You’ve gone through a lot, and you’ve made it through each and every one. I’m not here to make you come back home, because I think that’ll just make things worse.”

  “Then why are you here?” I asked, not sure if I wanted the answer.

  She smiled. “Well, besides to see how you’re doing, I figured I should deliver your birthday card in person.”

  She pulled a white envelope out of her purse and set it on the bedside table. “You probably won’t be doing your Black Friday shopping spree, but hopefully it’ll be useful for something.”

  I shook my head. “You don’t have to do that, Mom. I’m sure all of this isn’t cheap.”

  She shook her head. “Libby, I want to. I want to do whatever it takes to help you. Don’t worry about me. You worry about you and getting better. I expect a full report when you and Blaine come home for Christmas.”

  “Me and Blaine?” I asked. I hadn’t even thought about asking him to come home with me. Last time I planned on having him do that, it ended up being a giant cluster and I had my heart broken only to have him repair it again.

  “Yes, Blaine, too.” She sighed. “On the plane ride here I kept thinking that maybe he was getting into your head. Making you think that you weren’t good enough. Then, I thought about the boy I met when he was at our house, and after talking to him here I realized that he does love you. Yes, you’re both young, and this may not last, but I think if you just let yourself go, you may see that we all love you, no matter what size you are, and always will.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I’m trying.”

  She leaned over and pushed a strand of hair out of my face. “I know you are, and I’ll always be here to catch you when you fall.”

  ***

  Mom stayed a few more hours and caught me up on all things back home, including my sister’s new baby, whose gender she would find out next week.

  But since she took an early flight in, she also took a late flight home that evening, and I was left alone with my thoughts.

  I drifted in and out of sleep and went through different doctors and nutritionists coming into talk to me. Everything blurred together, and my head was starting to hurt from all of the information.

  Sometime after dinner (with each calorie counted and the nurse making sure I didn’t hide my food), another knock came at my door. I wasn’t sure I was ready for any more surprise visitors but couldn’t help smiling when Blaine came through the door.

  “Are you up for visitors?” he asked, taking slow steps into the room.

  He looked like hell, and that was coming from the girl who was still hooked up to an IV for fluids and hadn’t showered since early the day before. Dark circles hung below his bright blue eyes, and his hair looked like he’d been raking his fingers through it a million times.

  I nodded, sitting up and running my fingers through my hair, hoping it would do something. I hadn’t seen a mirror and didn’t want to think about what I looked like. “Yeah, I am.”

  “I didn’t want to interrupt when your mom was here, but I had to come and see you for your birthday. I guess this makes you a cougar now.” He laughed.

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m only three months older than you.”

  “Still older.” He sat at the edge of my bed. “But I guess you’re not too old for a gift.”

  I shook my head. “Blaine, you don’t need to get me anything.”

  He shook his head, blowing a silent laugh through his nose. “Now that the hell kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t get you a birthday gift? And no, it’s not something I remembered last minute and got from the hospital gift shop.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Are you telling me that because that’s what really happened?”

  He laughed. “No, but I’m sure some guys have done that.”

  He pulled a small, white box out of his pocket and set it on my lap. I knew it wasn’t an engagement ring, like Abby had hoped for, but it had to be jewelry.

  “Sorry, I’m not much for wrapping and thought you’d just rip the paper off anyway, so there wasn’t a point.”

  Laughing, I slowly opened the box. Inside was a silver charm bracelet with a toggle clasp. I picked it up and looked at the dangling heart charm with a fleur de lis engraved in the middle.

  Blaine took the bracelet and clasped it around my wrist. “I saw it and immediately thought of you. I want you to know that you’ve had my heart since the moment I met you, and that I hope your heart will always be with me in Louisiana.”

  I blinked back the tears. I wasn’t used to a guy saying so many sweet things to me, and Blaine was the sweetest. I’d spent so much time worrying about what he thought of me, when really all I needed to do was look at him to know he was looking at me the same way I saw him.

  “Thank you, Blaine. It’s beautiful.” My eyes trailed from the bracelet to him. “And yes, my heart and I are here to stay.”

  Chapter 15

  If meeting with a nutritionist, counselor, group therapy and working weren’t enough, there was this dreaded thing called finals.

  It had all led up to this. I’d done decently enough in my cla
sses but if I bombed any one of my finals it could mean another school that I’d fail out of, and another way I’d prove to be a disappointment.

  “Baby, you’ve been staring at the same book forever. How about a break?”

  Blaine and I were sitting on Aunt Dee’s couch. He was watching ESPN, and I was trying to go over the notes I marked in my Art History textbook. I had a study date with Sawyer earlier in the day, but I wanted to go over it again to make sure I didn’t miss anything.

  “A break is not just a break. It’ll turn into dinner. Then a movie. Then making out. Then sex. No. I need to focus,” I said, not even looking up from my book.

  “Well how about I help you study?”

  I tipped the book down just enough to see his raised eyebrows.

  “What kind of help did you have in mind?” I asked.

  He picked up my Biology study guide off the table and leaned back on the couch. “For every question you get right, I remove an article of clothing. If you get it wrong, then I put it back on.”

  I smirked. “This kind of seems like a reward for you as well.”

  He grinned. “It is, but if it helps you study, then it works for both of us.”

  “Okay.” I set my Art History book on the coffee table. “Ask away.”

  He held the paper up. “Okay, let’s start with an easy one...” He ran his finger down the length of the page. “Grazing animals such as horses and cows are what type of consumers?”

  “Primary consumers,” I replied.

  He pushed the paper down until I could see his wide grin. “Correct.”

  Blaine turned the paper over and set it on his lap before tugging his t-shirt off, so that all of his lean muscle was exposed. What I wouldn’t give to run my finger down the line of his chest, and my tongue along his amazing V. But I had to study. I had to focus.

  “Next one.” He cleared his throat and picked the paper up again. “Let’s see here...which abiotic affect has the most limiting effect on lakes?”

  I thought on that one. I remembered that lecture. It was one not long after the party at Jackson’s, and I thought about pushing Nikki in the lake. It wasn’t wind or rocks, because I thought that would be a great way to push her in the water, but she was probably some crazy skilled swimmer. That’s when I remembered the correct answer.

  “Sunlight!” I said a little too proud of myself for thinking about Nikki melting in the sun like a candy bar.

  “And another one bites the dust.” Blaine kicked off his shoes.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Really? You go for the shirt first, and now your shoes on a harder question?”

  “Don’t like my rules, then you can find another study partner.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine, give me another one.”

  He picked the paper up. “An aerobic process, such as cellular respiration, requires what?”

  Aerobic activity means you need to breathe more, which means you need air. Air is composed of oxygen. Okay maybe that wasn’t exactly right, but that’s how I remembered it.

  “Air,” I said, mostly sure of my answer.

  “Are you even sure you need to study, baby? You seem to be getting the hang of this awfully quick.” He set the paper down on the coffee table and slowly stood up. He unbuttoned his jeans and slid them off with ease. He was already bulging out of his black boxers, and when he leaned over me I could feel all of his intense heat.

  “I guess it’s because you’re a really good teacher,” I whispered into his lips.

  “Mmm, I’m sure you could teach me a few things as well.” He ran his tongue along my bottom lip before nibbling it.

  I moaned into his mouth before his lips were on mine. I wanted to get lost in his kiss and forget about school, counseling, and everything else in my life. It would have been easy. So easy. But the slamming of the screen door made Blaine jump at least three feet in the air as he sprang off of me.

  “Whoa, could y’all at least move it to the bedroom? This is where I watch TV,” Britt’s heavy accent carried over the room.

  Blaine quickly put his pants back on and threw his shirt over his head. “Sorry.” His face was the brightest red I’d ever seen it.

  I sat up. “I didn’t think you’d be home for a while.”

  Britt rolled her eyes and plopped her book bag down by the door. “I wanted to come home and shower after lifting for softball. Y’all are just lucky it was me and not grandma. I don’t think she’d appreciate seeing Blaine’s boner when she walked in the door.”

  “Hey, I didn’t have a boner!” Blaine yelled, even though it was painfully obvious that he had just adjusted himself.

  “You keep telling yourself that, Blaine.” She walked past us toward the hallway. “I won’t be in the shower long so please be clothed when I come out.”

  She made her way into the bathroom and closed the door. It wasn’t until then that Blaine sat down on the couch and let out a deep breath.

  “Well that wasn’t awkward at all,” I said with a smirk.

  Blaine shook his head. “Yeah. That happens way too often.”

  “We could always go to your place and study,” I suggested. I might not have originally been up for the idea, but now that we had started, every part of me tingled with longing to continue.

  He shook his head. “Naw. My parents are home. I can’t guarantee that Mom wouldn’t make us sit at the kitchen table or some shit.”

  I sighed and leaned back on the couch. “We really need to think about getting our own place.”

  Blaine winced then sat completely still. “Do you think right now is the best time to talk about this?”

  I turned to face him. “I do. I know we’ve only been together six months but it’s starting to make more sense that we both need our own place. We never get any privacy, and it would help me to have my own space to study and stay up late if I need to without Aunt Dee grilling me about going to bed. We wouldn’t have this problem of going to each other’s places all the time.”

  He scratched the back of my neck. “I don’t know, Libby. We’re both so busy as it is, and we’d have to save some money to do anything.”

  “My birthday money from my mom should be able to cover a few month’s rent, and I know that Dina is looking to sublet her old apartment above the flower shop.”

  “Your birthday money?” Blaine raised his eyebrows. “How much did your mama give you?”

  I bit my lip, not wanting to discuss the check she wrote. It was probably more than his weekly, possibly monthly salary. “Enough.”

  He shook his head. “Baby, I don’t want to take your parents’ money for something we don’t need right now. Things are fine the way we have it. Yeah, it sucks sometimes that we don’t have privacy, but we don’t want to rush things either.” He patted my knee. “Besides, Aunt Dee likes having you around. You don’t want to leave her hanging.”

  I pouted, crossing my arms over my chest. “Is this just you looking for more excuses not to commit to something?”

  He sighed. “Baby, we both have a shit ton going on. You have school and getting better. I’m always working all day every day. I just don’t think it’s the right time to be talking about this.”

  I blew out a big breath. He was right, of course. He was always right, but I didn’t want to admit it. “Is there ever going to be a right time?” I muttered.

  I knew he had commitment issues, but that he was trying, yet I still had to push. There was something about poking my insecurities and getting them out in the open that sometimes made me feel worse, but usually it ended up being better in the end. Most of the time.

  He ran his fingers through his hair. “Someday.”

  “Someday?”

  He grinned and put his arm around me. “Someday we won’t have so many stupid questions, and someday everything will just make sense, and we’ll know what we’re supposed to do. At least that’s my theory. It hasn’t always worked, but it’s the theory that got me on the plane to see you in Chicago, and the one that got me
to talk to you in the first place. I’ve got to rely on someday, and the thought that when that day comes, it’ll all make sense.”

  I sighed and picked up my Biology study guide. “And maybe someday so will my homework.”

  Blaine grabbed the paper and set it back on the coffee table. He put his fingers under my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his. “Baby, you’ve got this. You know you do. I know you had trouble last year, and hell you’ve had a lot of shit go down this year, but you know that you know this shit. You just have to believe in yourself for once. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing, but about you.”

  “Easy for you to say,” I grumbled.

  He shook his head. “Baby, you’re one of the most insecure girls I’ve ever met, which is crazy, because you’re also the most gorgeous woman on the planet. I know it’s hard sometimes to see yourself that way, but know that I will always think you’re beautiful, even if you don’t have a trace of makeup on and just rolled out of bed. I also think you’re interesting, funny; you’re the whole damn package, and I’m a lucky guy to have you.”

  I laced our fingers together on his free hand. “I’m sorry that you always have to deal with me and my faults. My insecurities.”

  He kissed my hand before brushing his lips against each one of my knuckles. “No need to apologize, baby. We all have our faults. I sure as shit know that I have mine, but you’ve stuck with me even when I’ve been at my worst, and I’ll stick with you. Sometimes we may butt heads at things, but, in the end, I know we’re doing something right because I don’t see myself being with anyone else. You’re stuck to me like glue.”

  I leaned in and lightly kissed his lips. “I’m okay with being stuck to you.”

  Chapter 16

  Finals. They were finally here.

  Four months worth of learning crammed into a tests.

  Okay well, I had three tests and one English paper to turn in. But English wasn’t the subject I was the most worried about.

  I’d failed Biology and Algebra at Illinois State, so I had to retake those. English and Art History were the extra credits that would, hopefully, gain me enough credits to make me officially a sophomore, instead of a second year freshman.