On Paper Wings
Page 13
I’d never been so worried for tests in my life. Even when I was a full-time student at Illinois State, I didn’t fear tests as much as this. I also didn’t study as much. I figured that they weren’t that big of a deal. Like when I was in high school. I figured I could just show up once in awhile, memorize some stuff, and I’d be fine come test day or on whatever assignments that were given.
I was completely wrong.
I really wished I would have taken it more seriously the first time around. There was so much going on in my head between trying to maintain a social life and trying to understand the material without ostracizing myself by asking for help. I just got lost in the system until the university kicked me out.
But I guess like Aunt Dee always says, “Everything happens for a reason”. If I wouldn’t have failed out I would have never moved to Louisiana, never met Blaine, and never realized how much I was actually hurting and needed to grow.
Now I just had to pass my finals.
The Biology room was already full with everyone armed with their pencils and ready for their scantrons.
I walked slowly back to my desk and took my seat on one of the stools. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Nikki, typing away on her phone. I’d gone this long with avoiding her and not having to worry about confrontation. I definitely didn’t want to have to worry about it on the last day of class.
Luckily, before I could get too distracted by her, the professor walked into the room and passed out the scantrons, barely going over the instructions. At Illinois State, we had a Graduate Assistant who took almost fifteen minutes to go over how to fill out a scantron, how much time we had and enough other stupid things that by the time we actually got to taking the final, I had to rush through just to get the last ten answers out.
I stared at the question sheet for a long time before I began. I knew the first five answers. I knew the next ten. Holy shit! I actually understood what I’d learned. I didn’t just memorize it; I actually learned what we had on the test.
I breezed through the questions almost too fast. I was afraid that I missed something, so I read through each one again and still came up with the same answers. I looked up at the clock, wondering how close I was to being out of time.
We still had ten minutes left and barely anyone had gotten out of their seat. I didn’t want to be the first one to turn in my test, but after fidgeting for another minute I finally decided to get up. Unfortunately that was the same time that Nikki was finished.
Shit.
I thought I could maybe fake it and try to sit back down, but the professor had already seen me get up.
Double shit.
Nikki walked up to the podium first and handed in her test, and I set mine on top of hers, which also meant I had to follow her out.
“How’d ya do?” she asked in that southern twang that made me twitch.
I shrugged, trying to stare at my feet instead of her. “All right. I hope.”
“Blaine told me you were worried about this test. Was gonna offer to study with ya, but I didn’t think you’d really want to,” she said.
I stopped and slowly looked up at her. What the hell was this? Was she even being sincere? I could have tried to make amends with the girl, but instead I let bitch Libby come out. “Um, you haven’t exactly talked to me much since the first day of class, and when you did it was threatening. You also just give me dirty looks at cotillion practice so, no, I wouldn’t have wanted to study with you, but thanks for thinking of me.”
I smirked and tossed my hair over my shoulder, not even looking back as I walked down the hall, toward my Art History class. I was afraid if I did, she would be there to punch me in the face, or something equally as crazy.
Thank God there wasn’t another class in there before my final, because I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t have slipped in the classroom.
It wasn’t until I took my seat that I was finally able to breathe again. I’d stood up to girls before, but the last time I really did it like that was when I was wasted, and it was Blaine’s ex-girlfriend. I ended up blacking out, and Blaine was pissed.
“Darlin’ you look like you’ve just ran a marathon,” Sawyer’s sugary accent carried over me.
I looked up to see him standing in front of me in a gray, twill button-down shirt and bright blue khakis that he topped off with a pair of loafers that looked like something my dad would have worn. The guy definitely had an eclectic sense of style, but I respected that about him. No matter how much shit was given to him, he never stopped being who he was.
“No, just trying to run away from a crazy southern girl,” I said.
Sawyer took the seat next to me and put his messenger bag on the ground. “Is Nikki still giving you shit? That girl has to get over herself.”
I chewed on my bottom lip. “Well, she wasn’t exactly giving me shit. She was just sort of talking and asking me how I thought the test went. Then, she said she had asked Blaine if I would have wanted to study with her. So, naturally, I said something snarky and ran away.”
Sawyer shook his head. “Libby, you can be a nut sometimes, do you know that?”
I nodded. “I know. I know. But, I didn’t know what else to do. How was I supposed to know that she was being sincere?”
He shrugged. “You don’t, I guess. You just have to believe that some people can change and sometimes bad people can turn out to be all right after all.”
I smiled. “When did you get to be so positive?”
He laughed. “Darlin, when you’re the only queer kid in the Parrish, you’ve gotta try and see the positive in something.”
***
I didn’t have another final that day, and my last one was in two days, so I went to work as soon as my Art History final was done.
Dina was sitting behind the counter and smiled as soon as I walked in.
“Hey, girl, how’d your finals go?”
I blew out a puff of air and stepped behind the counter, stuffing my bag underneath it. I’d probably have to go back and do some accounting later, but I figured I’d sit and chat with Dina for awhile.
“I think they went well. Let’s hope.”
Dina waved her hand like she was swatting a fly. “I’m sure you did fine, honey. You’ve been doing nothing but studying. Hell, Jackson said that Blaine has such deep blue balls he’s surprised the guy is still walking.”
I wrinkled my nose. “Gross. Why are they talking about my sex life anyway?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess because they’re guys and that’s what they talk about.”
I sighed. “You know, it sucks. It’s been hard trying to balance everything, and sometimes I feel like I’m either on the brink of doing something great or falling apart completely.”
Dina smiled shaking her head slightly. “Girl, you always think too much. I think that’s half your problem. If you just learned to let more things go and take a flying jump instead of stalling, you’d be a lot happier.”
“I don’t see what you’re getting at.”
Dina leaned back against the counter. “Look, it’s like I told you when you were having all those problems with Blaine, you just gotta love someone with full force, even if it hurts you. Even if you end up regretting it, at least you gave it your all. Instead, you worry too much about all of the outcomes, then you wear yourself thin. No pun intended.”
“Ugh. But how do you stop doing something you’ve been doing your whole life? I don’t even realize how many things I’m worrying about or not worrying about. It just happens,” I cried.
Letting go was easy for her to say.
Or was it?
Dina had been through the ringer.
Left for college and came back to her hometown to be with her former sweetheart only to make a mistake by sleeping with his friend, then trying everything she could to get him back. I never knew where her head was at with Jackson.
“So...speaking of worrying and Jackson. How are things going there?”
“Are you trying to hint at me to sublet?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
She shrugged. “I gave up trying on that one. I don’t think Blaine is going to leave his mama’s until he inherits his meemaw’s place or gets married, and I don’t think you’re gonna leave Aunt Dee unless Blaine leaves with you.”
She hit the nail on the head on that one. No matter how much I wanted to spend more time with him and not have it interrupted, I couldn’t leave Aunt Dee and Britt. Even though I resisted moving to Louisiana in the first place, I couldn’t deny how close I’d become to Aunt Dee and Britt. They were always my family, but now they were just as close to me as my parents or my sister. I couldn’t imagine a life without seeing them every day.
“Well hopefully he doesn’t leave me or else my parents may fly down here and castrate him. We’re supposed to leave for Chicago for Christmas.”
Dina raised her eyebrows. “How do you think Blaine’s going to do with all that?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying not to think about it. I don’t think he’ll run this time since his mom’s driving us to the airport. I made sure of that one.”
“Yeah, but what about when you get there? Will he end up meeting your whole family? I mean, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that, but how do you think your ritzy family is going to take a good ol’ boy from the south? Or, how is he going to take them?”
I leaned over and rubbed my temples. “Gee, Dina, you really know how to make a girl feel good about her decisions.”
She put her hand on my back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bitch about it. I know how you tend to over think things, and I guess I do too, which doesn’t help matters.”
I shook my head. “I guess we both just keep worrying, then hope for the best in the end?”
She nodded. “That’s all we can do.”
Chapter 17
I remember sitting on the front porch and waiting for Blaine that fateful August day.
I remember it being especially sticky hot, and I wanted to go inside, but afraid that if I did, I’d have to admit he really wasn’t coming.
Neither of those things happened this time.
It was in the mid-sixties, which to me seemed like perfect winter weather. I didn’t even want to look at what the temperature was going to be like once we landed in Chicago, but I did.
Below zero and chance of snow.
I fished out my jeans, a sweater ,and tried to find my winter coat and mittens in all of the stuff that I had my mom send me.
Before I could even get to the back of my closet, the doorbell rang.
I pulled out of the closet and stared at the clock on my dresser. Blaine wasn’t supposed to be by my house for another hour, so I had no idea who it could be.
I made sure that my pajamas covered everything before I darted out to the living room. Aunt Dee was always fearful of intruders and kept a shot gun in the front closet. I had no idea how to even use it, and I doubted that someone robbing us would ring the doorbell, but I still eyed the closet the entire way to the front door.
I opened the door, and my eyes widened when I saw Blaine standing on the other side of the screen door, smiling and waving. “Morning, Libby.”
“Do you have any idea that you’re an hour earlier than when you said you would be here? I stepped out onto the front porch. “I thought you and your mom were coming together to get me.”
“Yeah, but I just wanted to reassure you that I’d be here, so I thought it’d be best to come earlier.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I didn’t want to talk about the past anymore, and I was still in my pajamas.
“Yeah, well, I could go grab us some coffee or something if you’d like,” he said, running his hands through his hair.
“I think Aunt Dee made some in the kitchen before she headed into work. Britt’s at school, so if you want to hang out in the living room, I’ll just finish getting ready and be right out,” I said, stepping back and opening the door.
He stood in the living room, looking from the ceiling to the floor and back to me. I closed the door and was about to head to my room, when I saw him still in the same staring pattern. “Is something wrong?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
He shoved his hands in his back pocket. “No. I mean not really.”
“Okay, Blaine, spill it. Something is obviously bothering you, and now it’s bothering me.”
He shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess I’m just kind of nervous to see your family and all.”
I raised an eyebrow. “But you’ve met them. You’ve met my mom, dad, and my sister and Brian. You met them after probably one of the worst disagreements we’ve ever had, and you still came out all right.”
“Yeah and I was nervous as hell then, but now I have to meet your whole family and actually see more of your life up north. I’m gonna be vulnerable here for a second and say that it scares the shit out of me.”
I smiled, stepping closer and dropping my hands to his, taking them in mine. “Blaine, you don’t have to worry. You don’t need to go there and try to impress anyone or be someone that you’re not. I’m not expecting that and neither are they. I lived for so long trying to impress everyone else that it wound up almost killing me. I would never wish that on anyone else.” I squeezed his hands.
A grin spread across his face. “You know, the longer you’ve spent down here, I think the smarter you’ve gotten.”
I leaned in and placed a light kiss on his lips. “I’m just pretty good at observing things.”
“Hmmm.” He leaned in closer and wrapped his arms around my waist. “I know there’s definitely something that I want to observe.”
I put my hands on his wrists slowly removing them from my waist as I stepped toward the bathroom. “As much as I would love to continue this and see where it goes, we do have to leave in an hour, and I haven’t finished packing or getting ready.”
“I can be quick,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.
I leaned forward and gently pecked his cheek. “You say that now, and maybe you can be quick, but I take a lot more time.”
He stepped forward, closing the space between us. Slowly Blaine ran his fingers down the front of my shirt, the thin material did nothing to shield his warm touch. “I can go as slow or as quick as you want me to.” He placed his lips to my ear. “And I’ll even help you finish packing afterward.”
I smiled, knowing that I couldn’t resist him. Looping my fingers through his belt loops I pulled him with me as I walked backward to the bathroom, kicking the door open as we got closer.
The grin broadened on his face before he buried his lips in my neck, kissing a trail down to my chest before he peeled my shirt off and threw it on the floor next to us.
I wasn’t wearing anything underneath my shirt, and it left me completely naked from the waist up and vulnerable to his every touch, which he had no problem with as his hands automatically made their way to my chest.
I slid out of my panties and pajama bottoms, knowing that if he could, he would probably spend all day playing with my nipples, so I’d better get things started.
“I’m going to turn on the water,” I said and slowly pulled away, turning toward the shower and pulling aside the curtain.
Our shower was a fickle thing. It was worse than the dorm showers. I had to slowly turn it to hot, or else I’d end up burning up or freezing. There was no in-between.
“Baby, why are you taking so long? Are you trying to tease me?” Blaine placed his hand on my lower back.
“No, just trying to make sure I don’t injure us with water.”
I stepped in slowly, careful not to fall on the slippery bottom of the tub. It was darker in
side the shower with the green subway tile that I’m sure was in style when Aunt Dee’s husband built the house, but now it just made it look old and dated.
Blaine slipped in after me, obviously thinking he had more room as his dry skin slipped against mine and caused his elbow to connect with my chest.
“Ow!” I moved so that I was right underneath the shower head, and water sprayed over my hair, which I’m sure made me look like a wet dog, because I felt like it as it stuck to my face.
“Sorry, baby,” Blaine said as he closed the shower curtain and moved so that he was facing me.
“It’s fine.” I pushed my hair out of my face.
He grinned, leaning in and kissing the water droplets off my lips.
I wrapped my arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. It would have been hot and heavy, if he hadn’t pushed me back against the wall, which cause me to hit the shower knobs. They really needed to be tightened and any little touch made them move in either direction.
“Son of a bitch!” Blaine yelled and jumped back as the freezing cold water hit us.
“Sorry! This shower is tricky.” I bent over and adjusted the knobs, trying to get them back to the perfect temperature.
“It’s fine, it’s fine,” he said, placing his hands on my waist. I stepped back to press against him and slowly stood up, as his hands trailed up to my breasts. I arched my back to give him a better angle and heard a crash.
I jumped and turned around to see that a few shampoo bottles had fallen down. Blaine barely had one miss his toe.
“Jesus, Libby, how many beauty products do you have in here?” He bent down and picked up the fallen bottles.
“Hey! There are three women that share one bathroom, okay?”
My mood had instantly gone from turned on to annoyed. I’d always seen people have amazing shower sex in movies and read about it in books, but in reality it was just a pain in the ass.
Blaine sighed. “I think I’m going to let you finish, and I’ll go watch Sports Center.” He opened the curtain and stepped out onto the rug.