The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)

by A. J. Carpenter

  ‘I’m not company, Mum, I’m your slave.’

  Beverley was too drunk to hear it, but Derek did, flashing Felicity a caring smile from across the table.

  ‘It’s nonsense really. She won’t go of course. Did she tell you that she was supposed to go a few years ago, but she chickened out of that one as well! It’s not going to happen. No, no, no, no, no ...’

  Derek’s new mobile started vibrating during Beverley’s rant. He paused for a while, thinking it impolite to answer whilst she was mid flow, but as she continued rambling on, he realized that he could be waiting for her to finish forever, so eventually he answered.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Dirik. It’s me. I finish packing.’

  ‘You’ve finished?’

  ‘Yes, I finish.’

  ‘Gosh, that was quick. I will be there as soon as I can, okay?’

  ‘Yes. Good. I see you soon. I love you, Dirik.’

  ‘Uh...yes...I love you too,’ and with that he hung up.

  ‘Who was that, Derek? Have you got yourself a nice little girlfriend?’

  ‘Uh...uh...umm,’ Derek stammered before Felicity cut in.

  ‘Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, he has. She’s moving in with him today actually.’

  ‘Ooh, really, Derek? How exciting. Didn’t I say, darling, that you ought to secure him while you could. Now some other little tart has got him and what are you left with? Nothing, that’s what.’

  ‘Derek’s a friend, Mum. How many times do I have to tell you?’

  ‘Yes, yes, dear. I know you youngsters like to take things at a snail’s pace, but he’s taken now. So...so...well, you’re fucked really aren’t you, sweetheart. You are well and truly fucked.’

  29

  HOME IS WHERE THE SHOPS ARE

  Derek had now picked up Janka and her two large bags and they were currently unpacking her worldly possessions on the landing. Derek, not being used to life in a relationship, was unsure as to whether Janka would be wanting her own room or whether she was expecting to share with him. Either way, he had plenty of storage for her and an excited buzz penetrated through the house, not to mention Derek’s privates.

  ‘How I put my things?’ Janka quizzed, making neat piles on the landing.

  ‘How? Or where, do you mean? Derek corrected.

  ‘Where, yes, where I put my things?’

  ‘Well, you’ve got lots of choice really. You can either use the remaining drawers in my room, or you are more than welcome to pick a room that you can have for yourself.’

  ‘My own room?’ Janka gasped excitedly.

  She had just moved from a flat in which she shared a room with another girl. She was careful, though, not to come across too enthusiastically whilst she picked the room that she wanted in her mind.

  ‘I take a room, but I still want to sleep with my Dirik.’

  ‘Good, I’m very glad of that,’ Derek replied, over the moon at the prospect of having a live in girlfriend.

  Janka soon decided to make Derek’s grandmother’s old room her own and set about removing the ugly bed sheets and the photo frames. Nor did she need the bible that was lying next to the bed. Janka moved everything she didn’t want out of the room and put it down into a heap on the landing. Derek dutifully picked them up again and moved them into one of the other bedrooms. Once he had finished, he headed in to find her in her new room.

  ‘Nothing but the finest for my princess,’ Derek said, kissing the top of her head and sitting down on the bed beside her. ‘How are you getting on?’

  ‘Ewww...fine...I am fine,’ Janka replied, somewhat sulkily.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ Derek asked concerned.

  ‘No, Dirik. I am fine. It is my clothes that are ugly.’

  ‘Your clothes are not ugly, you look beautiful in everything you wear,’ Derek served with a bucket of corn.

  ‘No, they are ugly,’ she dismissed, whilst continuing to fold. ‘I am not nice enough clothes for you and your nice house.’

  ‘Nonsense, you are far too good for me and my house,’ Derek replied honestly.

  Janka pouted for a while, whilst Derek pondered, desperate to make her happy.

  ‘Would you like to go shopping...when you’ve had a chance to unpack?’

  Janka thought carefully, ‘No thank you, Dirik. I have too little money.’

  ‘Ridiculous!’ Derek responded proudly, ‘Now you have me, you have money.’

  ‘But it is your money,’ Janka said coyly.

  ‘And you are my girl,’ Derek relished, loving the way that it sounded. ‘So are we going shopping then?’

  Janka screamed hysterically, ‘Yes! I like that very much. Thank you, Dirik. Thank you very much.’

  And with that, she gave him a sumptuous snog, before continuing with her unpacking as if nothing had happened.

  Leaving Janka to it, Derek went into his own room and sat quietly on the bed before discreetly bending over and pulling out the shoe box filled with fifty pound notes. At least, it should have been full. Derek had used the money that he couldn’t fit in the box to buy the tickets and meal on Felicity’s birthday, other than that he hadn’t touched it. The box, however, was much emptier than he remembered it but he dismissed this as a trick of the mind. He then set about counting five-hundred from it. He knew that five-hundred pounds was a lot of money to take on a shopping trip but he had an overwhelming desire to spoil Janka. She had that affect on him. He had really fallen for her and he would do anything that he could to make her happy.

  Derek rarely ever went shopping and had never been with a woman before. So the whole experience was a big shock for him. He hadn’t been prepared for the vast quantities and excessive prices that Janka would be drawn towards. The biggest problem came when she was posing for him in front of the changing room.

  ‘Do you like it, Dirik?’ she asked.

  This put Derek in an enormously tricky position. Of course he liked it, she looked like an absolute goddess in everything, but that didn’t mean that she should buy it all. Because if Kate Moss were to buy everything that looked good on her, she would have to rent out the entirety of Buckingham Palace as wardrobe space and there was no way that Derek could afford that.

  Despite the fact that Derek had hoped that the shopping trip would be a great bonding experience, he soon began to realize that this was not, in fact, the case. It was a much more solitary sport and Janka was pushing for some space. Her arms were dripping with slutty skirts and tiny tops to try on. So eventually Derek was forced to address the point.

  ‘Would you mind ever so...if I popped off and had a coffee?’

  ‘No, no, no, no, no. You go. I shop,’ Janka said, entirely distracted by the abundance of pretty things.

  Derek hadn’t expected such a blunt response, but was thrilled with the outcome. His feet felt heavy and fat and he was desperate for something hot and sweet to pour down his throat. Stupidly, he fished out a few fifty pound notes from his wallet and handed them openly to the clothes hungry Slovakian. Then, showing off his arm candy, he grabbed Janka and gave her an almighty snog. Wiping his mouth a little on the exit, he gave her a wave and departed from the oestrogen fuelled shop.

  Derek strolled around the shopping centre with a contented demeanour. It was days like this that he thought would never happen for him. It felt likelier that he would win the quarter of a million on ‘Deal or No Deal’. Pottering along casually, he took time to absorb the large array of shops cushioning him on either side. The majority were women’s shops brimming with mounds of shoes, bags and sparkly stuff, then there were a couple of department stores at either end, laden with all the good things under the sun. And then there was the shop that he was stood next to now, the jewellery shop.

  Like a magpie, he was attracted to the glistening artefacts and the sense of shine. As per usual Derek’s thoughts were of Janka. He was overcome by an overwhelming urge to laden her deep with necklaces and bracelets from the glistening shop. He was struggling t
o restrain his excitement as he imagined all the scenarios in which he could shower her with bling. But the one that kept whacking in his mind was the one that involved a bended knee and an open box. Derek was trying his hardest to push this thought from his mind, but no sooner had he done so, Janka was in his head wearing a wedding dress or calling herself Mrs Stone whilst naked.

  Staring eagerly at the beautiful engagement rings adorned with diamonds and other sparkly gems, Derek had to forcefully drag himself away. Catching site of a coffee shop a little further up, he began running dramatically towards it.

  Having ordered a caramel latte and a double chocolate muffin, Derek found himself a table, littered with drunk drinks and crummy plates and sat himself down. Most people would have moved the litter to a nearby surface but Derek was happy to sit amongst it.

  He wondered how Janka was getting on and whether she had purchased any more items. His stomach started filling up with butterflies as he envisaged their first night together as a real life live in couple. They hadn’t known each other for long but he couldn’t imagine his life without her. The more he thought about it, the more convinced he became that he should marry her before he lost her. It was as though there was a goblin with unscrupulously bad warts sitting inside his head saying, ‘Ask her! Ask her!’ Derek wanted too. But something was stopping him and he wondered whether it was Felicity.

  As soon as he emerged from his sit down, a good four-thousand calories heavier, he strode purposefully towards the jewellery shop. On arrival he doddered outside, before twitchily making his way up to the display windows. Derek was almost blinded by the bling and his eyes opened wide and huge. On their own, the rings looked beautifully different but together, Derek could hardly tell them apart. As his eyes scanned over them, he stopped suddenly. His focus had been caught by a stunning white gold ring with a diamond shaped diamond clutched delicately on the top. It was as though all of the other rings had disappeared and all Derek could see was that one. He looked at the price.

  ‘One-thousand nine-hundred and fifty pounds!’ he exclaimed, unable to believe it.

  A woman was looking at the watches next to him and sniggered at his response. Derek was mildly mortified, but managed to compose himself.

  ‘Can I help you?’ a voice asked from behind him.

  Derek didn’t realize that she was talking to him and so he ignored her.

  ‘Excuse me, sir, do you need any help?’ she tried again.

  ‘Uh...uh...yes...sorry...uh,’ Derek stuttered.

  The shop assistant, becoming aware that Derek was finding the whole experience thoroughly overwhelming, tried to push him in the right direction.

  ‘Would you like to look at anything from the cabinet? Was it a ring you were after?’

  ‘I like that one,’ Derek said nervously, pointing and twitching from foot to foot.

  ‘No problem, sir, if you would just like to hold on a second, I will just get the key.’

  As the sales assistant darted away, Derek was using all his powers not to run away himself. He could see the opening out into the shopping centre and he paced up and down, in an attempt to decide what to do.

  ‘Here we are, sir,’ the bubbly blonde shop assistant said, as she lifted the incorrect ring from the display.

  ‘Not that one,’ Derek said, with a look of disgust at the inadequate ring, ‘that one, please.’

  ‘Sorry, my mistake. If you would like to come this way we can have a look at it.’

  Derek found it a little disturbing, to be sat down at a table like they were at a business meeting. It made him shuffle about nervously on his bottom.

  ‘Is it for a proposal then?’ the friendly blonde asked.

  ‘Uh...well...no...well...yes,’ Derek stumbled.

  ‘So is it for an engagement then?’

  ‘Yes..I mean, well, yes...I hope so.’

  ‘Well, she is a very lucky lady, this ring is beautiful,’ the girl said kindly.

  Derek laughed embarrassed, still in two minds as to whether he should do it.

  ‘Do you know her size?’ she asked, as Derek inspected the ring lovingly.

  ‘Small?’ he suggested picturing her delicate little limbs in his mind.

  ‘So you don’t know what letter she is then, sir?’

  ‘Her name is Janka but it starts with a J not a Y. Oh, but...uh...I don’t want any engraving, thank you,’ Derek said, worried that she was getting a bit ahead of herself.

  ‘No, sir, sizes are measured in letters. I need that letter in order to get the right size.’

  ‘But...how would I find out her letter? Is it on her birth certificate? How can I find that out without...well...her finding out? I don’t think I could get at her finger with a tape measure, because I’m sure she would guess that something was up,’ Derek stammered panicked.

  ‘I would say that the easiest thing to do would be to borrow one of the rings she currently has and we can size it up from there.’

  ‘Steal it, do you mean?’ he checked concerned.

  ‘I’m sure your girlfriend will be more than happy to be stolen from, if it means getting this beauty,’ she said, as she pointed at the enchanting beauty.

  Derek chuckled, ‘Yes, yes, I’m sure she will.’

  ‘Okay then, well, pop back when you can give us a size then.’

  The girl stood waiting for Derek to say something. It took decades for him to realize that this was actually his cue to leave.

  ‘I’ll come back with a ring then,’ he said dopily, before hurrying out of the shop.

  It was a few days later and Derek had dragged Felicity back to the shopping centre with him.

  ‘Have you got the ring?’ he kept asking nervously, as they made their way out of the car-park.

  ‘Yeah, yeah. I’ve got her tacky ring,’ Felicity replied, unimpressed by Derek’s intentions to propose.

  She slipped Janka’s ring onto her own finger and caught hold of Derek’s arm. Walking passed the shops, she was distracted by everything that looked remotely like beachwear but Derek was oblivious to this. He was just twitching to see the ring again.

  ‘Do you think I should do it?’ Derek worried, needing reassurance.

  ‘I’m probably not the best person to ask,’ Felicity responded bluntly.

  ‘No, perhaps not,’ he agreed, disheartened by his friends inability to warm to Janka.

  Felicity cottoned on to this, ‘I want you to be happy, that’s all. So if she’s the one, then she’s the one. Just make sure you don’t get married until I’m back in the country, okay?’

  ‘You won’t come back, I know you won’t,’ Derek said, missing his friend already.

  ‘Of course I will,’ she dismissed. ‘I’ve got to come back and see you!’

  As they approached the shop, Derek started to walk slightly slower and Felicity sped up her pace.

  ‘Which one is it?’ Which one is it?’ she buzzed, feeling her hormones rushing rapidly through her body.

  Derek did a little hop, skip and a jump over to the display unit. He scanned the jewellery with his eyes and then he scanned back. It wasn’t there and he started to panic.

  ‘Which one is it? Which one is it?’ Felicity continued.

  Derek was now running up and down the glass units as if he was looking for an emergency exit in a fire. Then suddenly he stopped. In the back corner, nestled between two bracelets, was Derek’s jaw dropping ring.

  ‘Is that it?’ Felicity gushed, approaching him from behind.

  Derek couldn’t find the words to speak, so instead he just nodded.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ she gasped, also mesmerized.

  At that moment, as if on cue, the same shop assistant from before came rushing over.

  ‘You came back!’ she said, in a surprisingly casual manner.

  ‘Yes, I did,’ Derek replied.

  ‘I thought you may have chickened out,’ she laughed, before catching sight of Felicity and beginning to back-peddle on her previous statement. ‘So I see you bro
ught the girl with you instead of the ring, that’s a full proof plan if ever I heard one.’ But then she panicked that Felicity may not have known, so, not wanting to give the game away any further, she covered her lower face and mouthed to Derek, ‘Does she know?’

  Derek laughed heartily and nodded his head.

  Converting herself from the friendly girl in the shop, to a hardy, ruthless sales advisor, the girl continued.

  ‘Would you like to try the ring on?’ she said to Felicity, impressed by the calibre that this awkward man had managed to secure.

  Felicity did not have time to explain before she was being ushered to a table and sat down, whilst the girl started buzzing around getting sizing hoops and the blinding ring from the window.

  Derek was still chuckling that she thought that Felicity was his girl. He felt very lucky to have such a beautiful girlfriend and such a gorgeous fake fiancé.

  ‘She thinks it’s me. She thinks it’s me!’ Felicity giggled excitedly, imagining herself as a married woman with a beautiful frosting embellished finger. She left the face of her husband blank in her imagination. That was still to be decided.

  The girl bustled over and sat down, ready to gush.

  ‘It really is a beautiful ring. Is it the sort of thing you wanted?’ she asked Felicity, doing her best chat to sell routine.

  ‘It’s perfect,’ Felicity said genuinely, wondering if there was any way that she could get Derek to propose to her instead.

  ‘Would you like to try it on?’ she asked, as she handed the box to Derek so that he could do the honours.

  Derek was well aware that Felicity was relishing the opportunity, but he was uncertain of his own abilities to pretend. As he opened the box and presented it to Felicity, he kept his teeth firmly indented in his lower lip.

  ‘Aren’t you going to ask me again?’ Felicity mocked.

  Derek moved around awkwardly.

  ‘I...uh....I....not while we have company....I’ll do it later...darling,’ he said, feeling very uncomfortable indeed.