The Coming of Derek (a quirky comedy)

by A. J. Carpenter

  ‘No, no, no. I’ll leave you two alone a minute,’ the shop assistant said, trotting away.

  ‘Well, go on then, ask me,’ Felicity demanded, as soon as they were alone.

  ‘I’m not going to ask you, Felicity. It’s embarrassing,’ Derek snapped, thinking that Felicity might need a muzzle.

  ‘If you can’t propose to me when we are pissing about, then how are you supposed to ask Janka seriously?’ Felicity chipped in.

  ‘I’m sure that when the moment’s right it will just come to me,’ Derek retaliated, thinking that he was arguing convincingly.

  ‘When the moment’s right? When is the moment ever right with you, Derek? I’ll come back from travelling with a husband and ten kids and you still won’t have asked her.’

  ‘I will!’ Derek protested, a little too much.

  ‘Well, show me then and have a practice. Please!’ Felicity pleaded, desperate to live some romance.

  ‘Okay, okay,’ he said, as he pushed the box out.

  ‘On one knee,’ Felicity giggled, thoroughly enjoying herself.

  Reluctantly, Derek did as he was told and got down on one knee in the middle of the shop.

  ‘Will you marry me?’ he said through gritted teeth.

  ‘Pardon, I didn’t quite catch that,’ she encouraged.

  ‘Okay, okay. Felicity, you are the love of my life. Will you marry me?’ he burst, quite out of character.

  Looking at each other in the thick of the fake moment, they were both wondering ‘what if?’ and trying their hardest not to.

  ‘Uh, well, I would, but I’m off to Oz in a couple of days. Some gorgeous man brought me the tickets. But I’d love to wear the ring.’

  Derek, disheartened by her non romantic response, obliged anyway and glided the ring onto her finger. Felicity gasped in amazement, it was the perfect fit and it glistened on her finger like a star.

  ‘Oh my God, Derek, its divine,’ she whispered.

  ‘Isn’t it?’ Derek agreed, equally in awe.

  ‘Can you not marry me instead?’ Felicity half joked.

  Unsure as to how her statement was meant, Derek looked up. He thought that he glimpsed a touch of regret in her eyes but this was soon diminished as the pair began laughing.

  By the time the shop assistant had arrived back at the table, they were wiping away the tears and back absorbing the ring. It was a done deal, all that needed to be sorted was the correct size for Janka’s finger and a plan of attack for the proposal. Once the ring had been paid for and the delivery organised, his main focus became Felicity’s last few days and her leaving party that Saturday. He didn’t usually like such occasions and the vast quantities of people that came with them, but Janka was accompanying him this time and so he had high hopes for a super night.

  30

  THE GOODBYE TRUTH

  Felicity had booked the function room, commonly known as the upstairs bit, for her leaving do. It was free, as long as lots of people brought drinks, and Felicity knew that they would because her mother would be attending. Beverley still thought that Felicity would never go, but managed to hide this amongst a tsunami of alcohol and the ability to forget in an instant.

  Derek, on the other hand, was well aware that Felicity might not be back any time soon. Buying those tickets had been the most heart pummelling decision for him. If he had his way Felicity would stay in Crackerley so that she could always be near him. But he couldn’t be selfish. He had to let her follow her dreams, just like he was now pursuing his with Janka. He would miss her tremendously but like a caged hamster, she had to be allowed to run free in her ball at some point.

  Derek chuckled as he pictured Felicity with a big hairy brute of an Aussie guy and hoped that she would ask him to visit her. He also prayed that Janka would let him. Even Derek had noticed the frostiness with which the girls spoke to one another and it was pressing on his mind as he shuffled out of the toilet and into the busy function room.

  ‘Dirik, where have you been? I on my own,’ Janka sulked, once Derek had returned dutifully to her side.

  ‘Sorry...sorry, I had to visit the little boy’s room,’ he whispered, as if he had done something naughty.

  ‘I don’t know what you say. Can I have a drink, please,’ she demanded, rattling her glass obnoxiously.

  ‘Of course, sorry, I’ll go and get you one now,’ he apologized, twisting awkwardly around and heading towards the bar.

  ‘Can I have double?’ Janka shouted after him.

  ‘Me too!’ Beverley added, having heard from a nearby table.

  Derek was relieved to find Felicity propped up at the bar with her slutty friend Stacey.

  ‘Derek!’ Felicity squealed, as she grabbed him, held him tight to her blown up balloons and smothered him with kisses. ‘I’m going to miss you tonnes, do you know that?’

  ‘I’m going to miss you too,’ Derek returned, slightly embarrassed by her public display.

  He wasn’t entirely comfortable with party atmospheres and hated to think that anybody would be wondering who he was.

  ‘Hello, Stacey,’ he greeted once recovered.

  ‘Hi, Derek. Got a girl I see,’ Stacey sneered.

  ‘Yes, yes I have,’ Derek replied proudly.

  ‘Oh yeah, you two have met each other, haven’t you?’ Felicity asked tipsily.

  ‘Yeah, we’ve met,’ Stacey snarled, clearly unimpressed by Derek.

  The truth was that the pair had only met on an overlap in Felicity’s social calendar. But that had been one time too many in both of their opinions. Those two getting on would be like Jodie Marsh getting on with Winston Churchill and both Derek and Stacey had clearly already realized this. Felicity, however, hadn’t.

  ‘Ooh, I need to get a picture of this!’ she bellowed drunkenly. ‘My two best friends! Can you take a picture on my phone?’ she said, as she grabbed two random drunks.

  Stacey was rather put out by Derek’s sudden elevation to best friend and Derek wasn’t comfortable about Stacey’s evil stares. The three of them grinned forcedly though, as the flash went off on Felicity’s phone. Felicity was over the moon to find that the picture was exactly how she would remember them; Stacey was looking slutty and sulky and Derek looked like he may wet himself at any moment.

  ‘Yeah, great,’ Stacey said, looking over Felicity’s shoulder. ‘I’m off to find some cute guys. Come find me when you lose your baggage.’

  And with that she disappeared into a cloud of testosterone.

  ‘Sorry, Derek, sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with her,’ Felicity apologised embarrassed.

  ‘I sometimes wonder too,’ Derek agreed, surprised by his friends lack of taste.

  ‘Do you want to do a shot?’ Felicity asked, keen to make the most of the night.

  Derek grimaced but agreed to anyway and soon the pair had downed two tequilas and a sambucca and were flopped all over the bar.

  ‘I don’t want you to leave,’ Derek purred drunkenly. ‘I wish I’d never brought you those blasted tickets. What am I going to do without you?’

  ‘Get married and have slutty little Slovakian babies, that’s what.’

  ‘With Janka,’ Derek smiled, reminding himself.

  ‘Yep, with good old lovely Janka,’ Felicity finished sarcastically.

  ‘Janka!’ Derek suddenly yelled.

  ‘Yes, I know. I get the point,’ Felicity pleaded.

  ‘No, Janka, where is she?’

  ‘I don’t know, she’s not my girlfriend, thank fuck!’

  ‘I was supposed to get her a drink.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘About four drinks ago,’ Derek replied.

  And with that the two friends burst into hysterics. It took Derek a good five minutes to recover, before he dashed off to try and find Janka.

  Meanwhile, Stacey, having found no men willing to sleep with her, had gone outside for a rare fag. As she puffed slowly on her Lambert and Butler, she caught sight of a couple making out against a nearby wall.

&nbs
p; ‘Some people get all the luck,’ she muttered, feeling sorry for herself.

  At that moment, there was an almighty rumble and Beverley came crashing out of the door.

  ‘Oh, hello, sweetheart, you haven’t got a light have you, angel?’

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ Stacey said, as she lit one up for her.

  Beverley then caught sight of the couple making out and sighed, ‘Young love,’ before raucously shouting over to them, ‘Get a room!’

  As she did, the couple de-locked lips and whatever else may have been attached and turned to look.

  Stacey gasped. The man in question was Sean, Felicity’s well hung ex. The woman was Janka, Felicity’s weird mate’s girlfriend.

  ‘Oh my God!’ Stacey muttered, as Sean and Janka disappeared around the corner. ‘Do you know who that was?’

  ‘I know, a black man and a white woman, how very rare,’ Beverley said, with all the political correctness of a Nazi.

  ‘No!’ Stacey shouted, shocked by Beverley’s ignorance. ‘It was Derek’s girlfriend with Felicity’s ex-boyfriend. Wait till I tell her!’ she blurted.

  ‘Felicity went out with him?’ Beverley asked, surprised and impressed. ‘I didn’t think she had it in her.’

  ‘We’ve got to go tell her,’ Stacey exclaimed, prematurely stubbing out her cigarette and dragging Beverley inside by the arm.

  ‘Why do we have to tell her? Who do we have to tell, dear?’ Beverley asked, confused as to what was going on.

  ‘Felicity! So she can tell Derek,’ Stacey repeated, irritated by Beverley’s inability to cooperate. ‘Now we need to go find her,’ she said, as the hunt began.

  Derek, meanwhile, had looked long and hard for Janka and was starting to think that she could have got bored and headed home. He had checked everywhere except for the women’s toilets and she was nowhere to be found, so he was heading back to the function room to find Felicity. When he did find her, he saw that she was surrounded by his two favourite ladies: Stacey and Beverley. So he made the wise decision to keep his distance and to get a drink instead.

  Meanwhile, the girls were deep in conversation.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Felicity asked, convinced that they were right but still unable to believe it.

  ‘Honest to God, mate, it was Sean for certain and it was Derek’s slutty girlfriend. I swear on my life. I swear on Brad Pitt’s life. And you know I wouldn’t waste that. Honest.’

  ‘Shit. Did they recognize you?’ Felicity probed, worried that they might try and cover it up.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Stacey replied. ‘They didn’t seem too fussed when they saw us, put it that way.’

  ‘No, they seemed to be having a jolly good time,’ Beverley piped in eagerly.

  ‘Shit, what the fuck am I going to say to Derek? He was going to propose to her and everything. I knew it! I knew it! The slutty little whore! I warned him about her. I did warn him. Why didn’t he listen? If only he’d listened I wouldn’t be in this mess.’

  ‘It’s his own fault,’ Stacey responded, relishing in the gossip.

  ‘Yeah, but he doesn’t deserve this, Stacey, he really doesn’t. I knew she would hurt him, I knew it,’ Felicity ranted, close to tears.

  ‘Calm down, mate. He’ll be alright. He’ll get over it,’ Stacey tried her best to be supportive.

  ‘Will he? I don’t know about that,’ Felicity replied, devastated for her friend and worried about leaving him. Felicity shut her eyes for a few second, before declaring, ‘I need to find Derek.’

  It didn’t take long to find him cowering at the bar. Her mind changed back and forth a million times as she tried to decide whether or not to tell him, but in the end she didn’t feel that she had a choice. After everything that Derek had done for her, she owed it to him to tell him.

  ‘Hey,’ she said cautiously.

  ‘Hello!’ Derek replied, over the moon to see her alone.

  ‘Can we talk?’ Felicity asked, feeling incredibly anxious.

  ‘Sorry?’ Derek said, deafened by the music.

  ‘Can we talk?’ Felicity tried again.

  ‘Pardon, I can’t quite hear you,’ he repeated cupping his ear and stretching his neck out like ET.

  Frustrated, Felicity flashed her packet of fags at him and dragged him outside by the hand.

  ‘Are you drunk?’ he asked merrily.

  Felicity didn’t answer.

  ‘I am,’ Derek continued, as they stumbled around the corner and sat on some steps.

  Felicity plunged a cigarette into Derek’s mouth and then one into her own and set about sparking them up.

  ‘I don’t want it,’ he resisted, pushing it back out and trying to hand it back.

  Felicity then took it and shoved it back in his mouth.

  ‘Trust me, you’ll need it,’ she returned, lighting the end for him.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Derek asked, finally jumping onto the serious train.

  ‘Not really, no,’ she answered, having no idea how to handle the situation.

  ‘Oh no, not your mum, you can’t stay because of her. She’s a grown lady, for God’s sake, she should be able to look after herself. And to her own daughter....’

  ‘Derek, it’s not Mum. I’m going anyway, there is no way she can stop me,’ Felicity reassured before pausing.

  ‘Then what’s the matter?’ Derek quizzed, growing increasingly concerned.

  ‘Oh God, Derek, I don’t know how to say this. Oh God!’

  ‘What is it?’ Derek pleaded.

  ‘Janka...Janka and Sean have been....’

  ‘Have been what?’

  ‘Have been...’ Felicity looked at Derek desperately.

  ‘Have been what, Felicity?’ Derek demanded.

  ‘Mum and Stacey saw them...well...you know.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Saw them, snogging and getting pretty...you know... I’m so sorry, Derek,’ Felicity stammered, as she opened her arms for a hug.

  ‘And you believe them?’ Derek laughed.

  Felicity was gobsmacked. She hadn’t expected this reaction in a million years.

  ‘Of course I do, they are telling the truth. I knew you couldn’t trust her.’

  ‘You are prepared to believe a permanently drunk woman and your slutty friend that hates me. Think about it, Felicity.’

  ‘Derek, they are telling the truth. Why would they make it up. It’s the truth. I’m really sorry.’

  ‘They’re lying. She would never do that to me. She loves me,’ Derek retaliated.

  ‘I’m sorry, Derek,’ Felicity continued, broken hearted for him.

  ‘No you’re not. You wanted this all along. You never liked her in the first place. I can’t believe you would try and hurt me like this, after everything that we’ve gone through, Felicity, I thought I deserved better than this.’

  ‘You do!’ Felicity pleaded, as the tears ran down her cheeks. ‘I didn’t want to tell you, I feel awful about it. But I had to. I couldn’t leave you with her doing the dirty on you behind her back, I couldn’t do that. You deserve so much better, you really do. Please, Derek.’

  ‘No!’ Derek shouted loudly. ‘I love Janka and she loves me and I’m sorry if you are jealous, or if you don’t want to share me. But I am with her now. I am with Janka and there is nothing that you can do or say that will change that.’

  ‘Please, just listen for a second.’

  ‘No! I can’t. Have a lovely trip, Felicity. I’ll miss you,’ Derek squeezed out, as he walked away.

  ‘Derek! Please!’ Felicity screamed, distraught.

  But he carried on walking.

  Felicity crumbled into a crying drunken mess on the step, before Stacey poked her head around the corner.

  ‘Hey, mate, what you doing out here? Oh shit, are you alright?’

  ‘He didn’t believe me,’ she sobbed.

  ‘He’s probably just trying to take it all in,’ Stacey tried to justify.

  ‘No, he hates me. He thinks I made it all up!’ Felicity howled,
getting herself even more worked up.

  ‘Oh, I’m sure he doesn’t.’

  ‘He does. He really does,’ Felicity confirmed to herself and to Stacey.

  The sobs started coming longer and louder. It wasn’t long before Felicity’s face was buried in Stacey’s cleavage and she was leaving black mascara marks on her hot pink top.

  ‘Ooh, hello, girls. I haven’t interrupted some lesbian loving, have I?’ Beverley commented, emerging from around the corner. ‘I only came out for a quick ciggie, but if you two are going to start licking each other, then I might give it a miss.’

  Felicity’s red blotchy face emerged from Stacey’s chest, not looking happy. Beverley, however, failed to notice and continued to be insensitive.

  ‘Do either of you have a light?’

  ‘Here!’ Felicity snapped, grabbing her lighter from her pocket and thrusting it at her mother.

  ‘Oh, do cheer up, darling,’ Beverley insisted , taking the lighter. ‘You’re the one who wants to go. If you are going to go then do at least look happy about it.’

  ‘Fuck off, Mum.’

  ‘Language, darling, language,’ Beverley replied, completely unfazed.

  Felicity couldn’t be bothered with her, so she rolled her eyes and sparked up another cigarette. This time tomorrow she would be gone. And then maybe everyone would be happier.

  31

  THE PROPOSAL

  Felicity had left. Derek was still intending to take her to the airport, but she had ordered a taxi and gone alone, off to find herself a fresh start. Derek felt as though a hand had plunged down his throat and into his chest cavity, grabbed his heart and pummelled it like silly putty. He was devastated. He had found Janka curled up in bed when he had got home, so he knew that what Felicity had told him was a lie. But he didn’t understand why she would do that to him. He knew that she didn’t like Janka but that still didn’t justify telling tales about her. He just couldn’t fathom why she would do that.

  Today was the day that he had planned to propose to Janka and despite the sinking feeling in his stomach, he was determined to go ahead with it.

  Janka, yet again, was in the shower, whilst Derek was downstairs preparing a proposal picnic. So far it consisted of scotch eggs, mini sausages, a couple of tuna sandwiches, some tomatoes and a bottle of champagne. He was currently slicing strawberries, whilst wearing the grey silk shirt that had made him moist all those months ago. He had since bought it as a Christmas present to himself and it felt just as luxurious and opulent as he had initially hoped.