Down & Dirty

by Ashley Johnson

  The doctor looks from Nixon back to me and then looks down at the chart in his hands before speaking.

  “Your father had a severe heart attack called an ST-segment elevation myocardial infarction. In essence, one of his coronary arteries became blocked and he was receiving an extremely low amount of blood to his heart. Luckily someone had gotten him to the hospital in time, or he wouldn’t have made it.

  “Now when he arrived, he was rushed into emergency where they figured out the problem and preformed an angioplasty where they insert a small catheter to open the blockage. We also inserted a stent to keep the artery open.”

  I am barely staying upright, mostly relying on Nixon’s arm wrapped around my waist that is holding me tightly. I almost lost my father. I need to get to him as soon as possible.

  “Can I see him?” I barely croak out.

  “Yes Miss Black, but you should know that he may be unconscious for a while. The medications we’ve put him on along with emergency surgery have taken an enormous toll on him.” I barely nod at the doctor and then follow him down the hall toward my father.

  It doesn’t even register to me that Nixon hasn’t left my side.

  When we arrive at the room, my slight trembling turns into full on racks of body jerks. Nixon feels it and holds tighter as we walk to my father’s side.

  I reach out and softly grab hold of my dad’s calloused hand, noting that it’s much colder than mine.

  “Hi daddy,” I whisper, trying to keep my emotions in check now that I know he’s alive. Nixon lets go of me long enough to pull over a chair and guide me into it, but then sits down in a chair next to me and puts a hand back on my shoulder.

  After almost an hour of sitting in the same position staring at my father, I turn to look at Nixon who has kept a silent vigil alongside me.

  “Thank you for coming to sit with me Nixon, you have no idea how much I needed someone here, but you don’t have to stay any longer.”

  He draws his brows together and stares at me like I’m crazy. “I’m not going anywhere, Emmie. You need someone to be here with you and that someone is going to be me.”

  “No really, you don’t need to stay. I’ll be fine here by myself. If you hurry you could probably make it back to the end of the junket. Thanks aga-“

  “Jesus sugar, just shut up alright? I’m not leaving you here even if you think that you’ll be fine by yourself. I go where you go so stop arguing about it,” he grits out and then raises his brows at me, like he’s challenging me to fight with him. Lucky for him, all of my energy has been sucked out of me tonight.

  I nod and turn my attention back to my pale, still sleeping father hoping that he wakes up soon.

  Chapter 31

  The night has come and gone in a flash. Harlow had a friend bring her to pick up her bike and Brandon and a few other guys that work for my dad stopped in to see how he was, but it was otherwise quiet.

  Nixon only left my side to go to the bathroom or get us coffee from the cafeteria. I didn’t even have the energy to move.

  I was terrified that if I left, something would happen to my dad and I’d never get to say goodbye to him.

  I denied the fact that my mom was dying all those years ago and never said goodbye to her but I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.

  “Baby why don’t we head home? We can get a few hours of sleep and come back to see your dad after we’ve had a nap and some food.”

  I shake my head, never taking my eyes off the slow rise and fall of my dad’s chest.

  “I don’t dare leave, Nixon. If you want to go you’re more than welcome, but I can’t leave my dad.”

  The room is silent for a moment and, since my back is turned to him, I think Nixon might have gotten up and left. I dip my head down and touch my forehead to my father’s clammy hand and silently pray that nothing bad will happen.

  “I love you.”

  The whispered confession echoes through the room and around my brain. I turn my head and look at Nixon, wondering if I actually heard him say that or if it was just a figment of my imagination.

  “What?” I mumble.

  “We both know you heard me Emmie.”

  I’m stiff as a statue while my gaze remains stuck on Nixon. He gives me a small smile and leans forward in his chair while placing his forearms on his knees and never removing his eyes from mine.

  “How can I not love you, Em? You’re perfect for me in every single way. You’re beautiful, funny as hell, easy to talk to, and you know how much my mom loves you,” he smiles.

  I can’t seem to make my lips move. Hell, I can barely keep breathing let alone talk.

  What is going on here? He didn’t want to be with me because I cramp his single lifestyle and now he’s telling me he loves me? His moods are shifting so quickly it’s making my head spin.

  After a few moments of silence the fog swirling around my brain finally starts to fade. I clear my throat and blink rapidly a few times before I speak. “How can you love me and then break my heart the way you did? Do you know how hard it was for me to agree to be in a relationship with you and then, only a month later, have you tear me apart again?”

  He lets out a harsh breath and runs his hands through his hair once, holding his hand tight against the back of his neck before he speaks again.

  “I know, I know. What I did was a dick move and I hurt you when I should have just manned up and talked to you about it instead of freaking out, but you have to understand why I did freak. I haven’t ever had a relationship and when it came time to tell everyone about us I just couldn’t do it. What if you broke up with me? Then I’d be forced to deal with that while showing all the other women that have been chasing my ass since the day I became famous that I’m capable of having a relationship. I don’t want that shit to happen, Em.”

  I’m stunned by what he said, but also pissed that he broke it off the way he did because he was afraid of something that might not happen. I narrow my eyes in his direction and then blow my lid through a whisper since I don’t want to get kicked out of my dad’s hospital room for being unruly.

  “That’s the chicken shit way out and you know it, Nixon. If you were afraid of a fucking relationship then maybe you shouldn’t have been the one to beg for me to be your girlfriend. You knew I had issues with being in a relationship again and you pushed until I agreed. I did that because I thought you could be different than the other assholes that I had been with and that you might just care about me enough to consider my feelings, but I was so completely wrong. You’re just as big of an asshole as all the others, maybe even more because you made me feel something more for you that I never gave to anyone else.”

  The last few words come out on a whisper and I can see Nixon visibly flinch from my words.

  “Sugar, I’m so sor-“

  I can’t let him try to make this situation better. I need to focus on my father so I cut him off before he can finish his thought.

  “Just leave Nixon. Thank you for sitting here with me while I needed someone but it’s time for you to leave now.”

  “Come on Emmie,” Nixon stands, stretching his arms out to his sides like he’s looking for another way to plead his case. I can’t let that happen. I need him to leave before I freak out.

  “Jesus Nixon, please just fucking leave before I tell the nurse to have you removed from the room. I don’t want you here. I don’t want to hear what you have to say and I don’t want to talk about getting back together with you, ever. It’s over so just go.”

  I turn my eyes away and focus on my dad, dismissing him.

  I hear Nixon faintly clear his throat and then a few seconds later his footsteps across the room to the door. I’m left with the light beeping noises of the machines telling me that my father is still alive and the deafening silence throughout the rest of the room.

  I’m not exactly sure why I lashed out at him like I did and that pisses me off further. His excuses are beyond stupid but I still have strong feelings for him
and I think he might have been just as scared as I was to start something. He probably didn’t know how to deal with those feelings and did the first thing that came to mind. I’m sure I’ve done it before as well, but now it’s over and there’s no turning back.

  After counting to one hundred in my head, I feel like I’ve let enough time pass and I can have my breakdown in peace. I lay my forehead down on the edge of my father’s hospital bed and dissolve into tears. Crying for the fate of my dad, the words that Nixon said, and the fact that I told him to walk out, basically ending things for good between us.

  Chapter 32

  My dad is still asleep, three days later. I’ve been in a panic but the doctors have told me that after the trauma his body endured, he just isn’t ready to wake up yet. Collin and Jaycee came by after Nixon left to check on him and bring me extra clothes while I’ve been holed up here. They offered to stay at my house and watch over Otis while I’m at the hospital.

  Collin then had to remind me that I have a race in three days that I can’t miss. I argued with him, telling him that my father’s health was more important than some fucking motocross race, and he agreed, but reminded me that if I missed this race Black Bear would be forced to drop me as a sponsor.

  As torn as I am about this decision I know that my dad will always come first. If I lost my sponsorship with Black Bear, I may have a chance to have them or someone else pick me up later on and I still have smaller companies that are sponsoring me. If it comes down to it and I have to give up motocross and get a regular nine to five job, then I will.

  It would kill me, but I will do it because my dad is the only family that I have.

  He is all that matters.

  I am on my way back up to dad’s room from the cafeteria with a coffee for me and Mattie, dad’s nurse for the day, when she meets me just down the hallway with a huge smile on her face.

  I hold the coffee out at her when she walks up to me, “what’s with the smile?” I ask, with the tiniest hint of a smile on my own face. It’s the only happiness I can come up with while waiting for my father to come to.

  “Oh you know. It’s a beautiful day, I have a good job, wonderful friends, a fresh cup of coffee,” she sings, lifting the cup of coffee I just handed her in the air. “Oh, and your dad just woke up,” she finishes.

  I feel my eyes bug out of my head at her words.

  “He’s awake?” I whisper.

  “Yup, the doctor is with him now. He should be done checking him over in a few minutes but you’re welcome to go in and sit down while he’s in there.”

  I wrap my arms around Mattie tightly, bouncing side to side with excitement.

  “Thank you so much Mattie,” I squeal.

  “Don’t thank me sweetie I didn’t do one thing. Your daddy was just ready to wake up,” she giggles.

  I let her go and give her a smile over my shoulder as I rush into the room, catching the end of the doctors’ explanation to my dad.

  “You’ve been asleep for almost four days but I don’t see any signs of that having a negative effect on your body other than loss of a little weight. Your body must have needed all that sleep to recover properly.”

  My dad sees me out the corner of his eye and turns his head to look directly at me.

  “Hey there Emmie Lou. Missed you baby girl,” he whispers in a scratchy voice.

  My smile widens immediately.

  “Hey daddy,” I murmur through the lump that has lodged itself in my throat while tears escape my eyes.

  He motions me over to his bedside with open arms and I move instantly, wanting to see for myself that my father is awake and doing okay with my own two eyes.

  “As I was saying Mr. Black you are going to have to take it easy on yourself for a while. Give yourself time to heal completely before you return to work. Also exercise and a change in your diet, eating healthier foods and not drinking so much caffeine are going to help you tremendously.”

  I narrow my eyes at my father as the doctor gives him directions for a full recovery and my dad just rolls his eyes. I have a strong feeling that he’s not going to follow any of these rules that were given to him. My dad hasn’t ever eaten healthy. He eats fatty foods, mostly things he can get at a drive thru on his way home from work. I can’t remember the last time he ate a salad.

  “You got it doc,” he grumbles. The doctor nods at both of us and turns on his heal, leaving just the two of us in the room.

  “Daddy, I know you don’t like the idea of exercise and dieting, but it’s going to help you stay around a lot longer so please do it. I’m too young to lose you, too.”

  He looks into my tear filled eyes and gives me a solemn nod.

  “I promise I will honey. I’m sorry that you had to deal with this,” he whispers.

  I shake my head back and forth. “Dad, don’t apologize for this. You were the one that had the heart attack. I just want to make sure that you are healthy and around for a lot longer because I need my number one fan with me for all my races.”

  “You got it Emmie Lou,” he smiles and then his brows come together in thought. “Are you here alone? Where is that new boyfriend of yours, Nelson something or other.”

  I giggle at him calling Nixon by the wrong name. My dad knows his name because he’s looked into Nixon’s racing career almost as closely as he has my own since he found out we were dating.

  “No dad, Nixon and I broke up,” I say, trying my best to hold back the sadness that always come when I think about how things ended with us. I grab the pitcher of water that is on a table next to dad’s bed and pour some into a paper cup before handing it to him.

  “What happened,” he says after he puts down his glass of water without drinking.

  “Oh you know. He was too afraid of what would happen to his playboy reputation if he came out and told people that we were together and called the whole thing off. No big deal,” I shake my head and look out the window, avoiding my dad’s gaze.

  “Bullshit, it’s a big deal Emmie Lou.”

  “What? No it’s not, really dad. At least feelings weren’t involved and I can move on without dealing with a heart break,” I shrug, still avoiding my dad’s iron glare.

  “You are so full of it. You really liked that boy and I know for a fact that he liked you too.”

  I finally look at my dad to give him my incredulous stare.

  “And how would you know that, oh wise one,” I tease him.

  “Because I heard what he told you when he was here with you dear. I know he loves you and it sounds like he realized he made a huge mistake and wants to try and get you back.”

  I feel the tears I’ve been trying to keep at bay well up in the corners of my eyes as my lower lip starts to quiver.

  “I don’t know if I can do it again daddy. I can’t go through the heart ache of another ruined relationship. It’s easier to just focus on riding and stay single.”

  “That’s the biggest bunch of shit I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth Emmie Lou Black,” he grits out.

  “What?” my voice comes out in a squeak.

  “You heard me. You haven’t brought a boy to meet me since you were in college and we both know that boy was a moron,” he points at me and we both smile. “This King fella is quite the ladies man and thinks that he shits out gold bars when he is in the limelight, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you when he thinks nobody is watching. I know that look because it’s the same way I used to look at your mother. He would move heaven and earth to make you happy baby girl.”

  When he brings up the way his eyes would light up when he looked at my mom I lose it. I burst out crying. I’ve always wanted a love like my parents had but with my record of douche bag boyfriends I never thought it was possible.

  “Dad, I doubt he looks at me like that because what you and mom had was a once in a lifetime thing. But even if he did I don’t know if I could go back. I would be giving him my heart freely after he trampled on it. I don’t know if I could ever fully trust him
again.”

  My father nods a few times and then looks away from me, the sound of a heart monitor beeping behind us the only sound flowing through the room for a few minutes.

  Finally my dad’s gaze swings back to me and he looks so sure of what he’s about to say.

  “I understand why you aren’t ready to give him your heart again baby girl but you need to know that a once in a lifetime love is someone who will love you for who you are and make your world seem brighter when there were once clouds. They are people who are there when you need a shoulder to cry on and someone that you can’t wait to share good news with. That’s something that only comes once in a lifetime,” he mumbles as his eyes start to close on their own accord.

  “Get some sleep daddy. I’ll be here when you wake up.” I kiss his forehead and settle back into my chair.

  As soon as he nods off I think about everything he just said to me. Nixon is the first person I wanted to talk to when I won a race or had a great lap time during practice and he was the one person I was glad was here when I found out my dad was in the hospital.

  But I’m not sure I could put my trust back in his hands after he thoroughly destroyed it the first time. I sit in the chair, staring at my father’s resting face and wonder if I can give myself the chance to have what he and my mom had, even if it isn’t with Nixon.

  * *

  My father was released from the hospital the day before my race, which was a wonderful thing for Collin’s blood pressure. He was afraid that I wouldn’t be making the race and I would lose my Black Bear sponsorship.

  It took quite a bit of convincing but I had talked my dad into staying at my house with Collin and Jaycee while he was recovering with the promise that Collin would watch his eating habits closely. When Jaycee agreed that they would both take good care of dad and Otis I made a move to get packed before my flight.

  “I had Jaycee pack everything you would need. It’s sitting next to your front door,” Collin hollers from the living room. I turn around and walk toward the front door to see that there is, in fact, a pink leather suitcase propped against the wall.