Down & Dirty

by Ashley Johnson

  Collin comes walking toward me, keys in hand, and motions for me to walk out the front door.

  “Did Jaycee pack my undies or did you pick them out Col?” I joke.

  “Shut it smart ass. Jaycee will keep an eye on Mark while I drive you to the airport. You need to get your ass on the earliest flight to Florida so that you can get a bit of practice in before tomorrow’s race. You haven’t been on your bike all week and Jack hasn’t had a chance to get it timed correctly.”

  After shouting a quick goodbye to Jaycee and my dad, who both promised that they would watch my race on TV, I grab my bag and my purse and Collin drives me to the airport for my long ass trip to Florida.

  I was glad for the trip to another state because Nixon and I almost never raced in the same place at the same time so I wouldn’t be seeing him, thus giving me the necessary time to think about what I wanted to do with our situation.

  He came out and told me that he loved me but he also said that he wasn’t ready to have a relationship with me or anyone else. It seems like the only thing that would make sense would be to go back to being fuck buddies, which I could be okay with now that we’re in the riding season and I have things to keep my mind away from thousands upon thousands of women throwing themselves at Nixon’s feet like he is some kind of sex god that can single handedly help repopulate the planet.

  I pull out my phone and send off a quick text to Collin and Adam telling them that I just boarded my plane and would text them when I landed.

  Then after a few seconds of deliberating my next actions I decide to send a text to Nixon.

  Emmie: Why don’t we go back to being fuck buddies?

  I blow out a slow breath and wait for a text back. When the flight attendant walks through the cabin and tells us to shut down our electronic devices and I still haven’t gotten a text from him, I frown. Just as I’m about to turn my cell phone off it buzzes with a text.

  Nixon: Fuck no we can’t be fuck buddies anymore. I love you and want you to be with me forever, sugar. Come back to me so we can work on this.

  Shit. Well now I don’t have a play. I figured he would be all for going back to fuck buddy status and I wouldn’t have to worry about having a relationship with him.

  I power down my phone without answering and throw my head back against the head rest. I’m more confused now than I was before I sent the text. I really thought that was what he wanted. With everything he told me when he decided to end us, it sounded like he wanted just the sex aspect without having to tell anyone that we were actually together.

  Well, now what am I going to do?

  Chapter 33

  I land in Florida and send a text to Collin and Adam telling them that I made it. Adam sends a text back telling me that he’s outside waiting to pick me up, which is a relief. I wasn’t looking forward to waiting around at the airport with all the problems swirling around in my head haunting me.

  I am looking forward to getting on the back of my bike and clearing my head with the rumble of the motor underneath me, though. After I’ve collected my bag and jumped into the team truck that Adam has picked me up in I look down at my phone to see if I’ve gotten anything back from Collin.

  There is nothing from Collin but I do have three missed calls and one text from Nixon. I take a deep gulp of air and open the text.

  Nixon: I don’t like that you’re avoiding my calls, but I want to talk about us. Why would you think that I want to go back? I want you to be mine in every way. I want to own your heart, body and soul. Call me so we can talk.

  I decide to text him back just so he doesn’t think that I’m avoiding him. At least that’s the reason I tell myself that I’m texting him.

  Emmie: I just landed in Ft. Lauderdale for my race tomorrow. I don’t have time to call today or tomorrow but I’ll get back to you as soon as I can, okay?

  There, that should be an easy enough way to get some space from him while I work through the muck swimming in my own head for a while. My phone vibrates in my hand and I look down to see another text.

  Nixon: Yeah okay. Good luck this weekend sugar. I love you.

  I don’t answer him back to tell him how I feel because at the moment I’m more confused and conflicted than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I never told my other boyfriends that I loved them, mostly because I wasn’t that type of girl. I never talked about my feelings with anyone other than my parents.

  “I love you” was something I reserved for people I knew without a doubt that I felt for them. It wasn’t a phrase that I liked to throw around because it could confuse people and give them false hopes. People deserved and were worthy of nothing but the truth from me and that’s what I was going to give them.

  I loved my mom and dad, Collin and Jaycee, and Jack who was like a second father to me. No one knew me like they did. I let them see all of me and had a much more reserved side that I showed to everyone else.

  Until Nixon.

  Nixon got the side of me that I showed to almost no one. I willingly told him about my past relationships, something that not even my dad or Collin knew about. I could be myself around Nixon and felt safe with him.

  Until he broke my heart.

  Now I’m not so sure I want to show him that side of myself anymore. I don’t know if I dare open my heart back up to that kind of hurt again. Casual hook ups every once in a while were working just fine for me until Nixon wormed his way into my heart and then fed me his own kind of poison.

  “Emmie, we’re here,” Adam mumbles, breaking me out of my silent stupor.

  I blink and realize that we’re at the track I’ll be racing on. There are other girls out practicing on it and look like they’re getting a good feel for the track. I need to do the same so I jump out of the truck and walk toward my trailer to get ready to ride.

  After putting on all of my protective gear, a pair of racing pants, and my riding boots, I walk to the back of the trailer and find Jack giving my bike chain a close look. When he spots me he stands up and gives me a bright smile which I’m having a hard time returning.

  “Darlin’ what’s wrong? Is it your dad?” he asks. I sigh, upset that it’s this easy for him to tell that something just isn’t right with me.

  “No dad’s fine. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it Jack. Let’s just give this big beauty a test run, shall we?” I joke half heartedly, running my hand over my 450cc Yamaha’s black seat.

  Jack tilts his head and gives me a curious look but decides to drop it and helps me pull the bike off its metal stand and pushes it toward the entrance of the arena.

  After I have my helmet and goggles in place I kick start my bike. When the rumble of the engine hits my lower belly, my mind clears and I feel at peace. A small smile appears on my face as I wait for my opening on the track and then I gun the throttle.

  * *

  I was on the track for almost two hours today. It felt good to have nothing to worry about other than which rut I was going to land in off a step up jump and keeping my feet planted on the pegs while I was going through the whoops.

  I never once thought about my father’s health conditions or Nixon’s sudden professions of love after dropping my heart off the side of a cliff. I only worried about the movements I was going to make twenty seconds in advance and the other girls around me who were also training.

  When I finally finished riding I felt better about tomorrow’s race. I knew taking the week off of training to be by my dad’s side in the hospital was a risky move to my career, but I wouldn’t have even thought about racing if I was on the back of my bike and dad was still in the hospital. I would have worried about him the entire time.

  After locking my bike and all of our equipment up in the trailer, we all jump into the truck and head to our hotel for the night. Jack and I discuss the bike and the adjustments that might need to be made in the morning but other than that everyone is quiet.

  As we haul our luggage into the elevator at the hotel I meekly apologize when I realize I’m th
e offensive smell in the small square area. It’s then that I remember that I didn’t have time to shower before I left home and it has been a few days since I’ve given myself a proper cleaning.

  I’m mortified with my hygiene right now but dad was more important than smelling fresh and then everything else just caught up to me.

  The guys all laugh at my apology and then wave it off with the promise that I shower tonight.

  When we all reach our own rooms, which are all next to each other on the same floor, we say good night and I’m finally closed into my own little slice of hell. It’s in the quiet of this room that I remember that there are things that have nothing to do with my race tomorrow that take up my head space.

  I walk out of the joined kitchen and living room area to the bedroom only to stop short in the doorway.

  There are four vases stuffed full of daises and roses on the night stands. I make my way to the one with a white card sticking out like it’s a bomb and not beautiful flowers. By the time I reach the card I already know who they came from.

  Remember our time under the cherry blossom tree at the botanicalgardens? I can’t look at a flower without thinking of how sexy you are anymore.

  Nixon xxx

  My mind automatically flashes back to that night of quick, hot sex against a tree and the insane amount of hickeys he left on my neck that I had to come up with an excuse for.

  I sit down on the edge of my bed and admire the gorgeous flowers he’s so sweetly sent me, but know that Nixon being sweet for two days isn’t going to sway me back into his arms. I’m still too conflicted as to what I should do so instead of pulling out my phone and telling him thank you for the flowers, I grab my toiletries from my suitcase and head to the bathroom for a long shower.

  When I finish I’m shaved and buffed from head to toe. I smell so much better than I did two days, or even forty minutes ago, and I feel marginally better.

  Then I hear my phone ringing in my purse. It’s playing Talk Dirty to Me by Jason Derulo, the ring tone I’d designated for Nixon.

  I tell myself that I need to answer it and at least thank him for the flowers so after I approach my purse in much the same manner as I approached the card in the flowers, I pull it out and answer.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey sugar,” Nixon mutters, sounding nervous for some reason.

  “Hey Nixon. Listen, I’m sorry I haven’t called you yet. I just got into my hotel room and had to shower something fierce.”

  He chuckles at my remark and then clears his throat softly before speaking.

  “It’s cool, don’t worry about it. Did you get the flowers I sent?”

  “Oh yeah I did and they’re beautiful. Thank you so much.”

  Then a heavy silence descends on the other line. After a few awkward moments I wonder if he’s still actually there or I’ve lost him. We’ve never been this quiet with each other on the phone before.

  “Nixon?”

  “I’m here. Sorry, I’m just a bit lost when it comes to what I need to say right now.”

  “Well, why don’t you just tell me the first thing that comes to mind then.”

  “Okay, you want to know what’s on my mind right now, here you go.” He lets out a large huff of air before continuing.

  “I love you and I want you all to myself, Emmie. I don’t want to go back to being fuck buddies and only seeing you when I’m looking to get off or at parties. I sure as fuck won’t let you go because every inch of you belongs to me. I can’t stand the thought of you moving on or some other fuck face putting his hands on you.”

  He lets out a low growl and then speaks again.

  “Your body belongs to me. Only I can make it hum when I touch you in certain places and I’m the only one who should ever get to touch you anywhere ever again. You fucking own my heart, Em. I don’t know what the fuck you did to me but I can’t get you out of my head. I keep picturing you kissing me after a win and us going to the same house after a race. I see us having dinner at the table together and Otis and Lola sleeping at the foot of our bed every night. That’s what I want sugar. Tell me that’s what you want, too.”

  Wow, I’m speechless. I feel my mouth opening and closing but no sound is coming out. After a few seconds without an answer on my part, Nixon speaks up.

  “Okay, I don’t know if I’ve stunned you into silence like I’ve done while we’re fucking or if you just don’t feel the same way I do and don’t know how to reply, so let me just do the talking. I know I fucked up big time but I intend to fix it alright? I’m going to make you fucking love me just as much as I love you. That’s a damned promise. I’m going to let you get some sleep now but just know that since you answered this phone I have fucked you in my head about twenty different ways and I can’t wait to try them out in real life.”

  Well shit, now I’m silent and wet. How the hell did that happen?

  “Get some sleep sugar. I’m going to enjoy every inch of you when you come back to me, you can guaran-fucking-tee that,” and with that thought, he hangs up.

  Five minutes later I’m still standing in a towel next to my bed, my cell phone next to my ear, dripping wet in more than one place.

  Chapter 34

  I wake the next morning ready for the race. I’m hyped up and completely centered at the same time, as weird as that sounds. I meet my team down in the lobby so that we can have our ritualistic morning breakfast together at the nearest greasy spoon restaurant.

  While there we discuss the upcoming day, what time the race takes place, the competition, and the feel for the bike the night before. We are all in the motocross zone and there isn’t much that can pull us all out of it on a day like today.

  After everyone has finished breakfast we head over to the arena and make sure there we’re prepared, but when we pull up to the trailer I notice Jack jump out before the truck is completely stopped.

  “What the hell, Jack? I know that you’re excited but you’re going to get hurt doing that,” Adam jokes. I smile at Adam’s jab but when I notice that the lock on our trailer has been cut off I jump out of the truck as well.

  We all pull the mouth of our trailer open to find my taper bar cover that has “M+E” printed on it is missing and the chain on my bike has been removed and is lying on the floor next to the bike.

  I’m instantly pissed and ready to take someone’s fucking head off when I hear someone clear their throat at the opening of the trailer. I turn around to find none other than Jen Caruso.

  “Wow, looks like someone jacked up your bike there, Emmie. That’s too bad,” she coos snidely. All I see is red.

  I’m going to fucking kill her.

  I know she is the one behind this and I intend to teach her a lesson. I make my way slowly to the opening of the trailer, looking a lot calmer than I feel, but I can tell that I make Jen nervous because she immediately starts backing up.

  “Hey Jen, yeah someone jacked up my bike and also stole the taper bar pad that my mom had made for my dad before she died, too. Any idea who would be such a heartless bitch and do something like that?” I tilt my head to the side and narrow my eyes at her.

  As soon as I mention my dead mother she blanches, making her instantly guilty in my eyes and I pounce.

  “You stupid bitch I want it back!” I shout as I pull her head into a headlock. She lets out a bird like screech and starts weakly punching me in the stomach with her left hand. I take the opportunity to get a few uppercut shots onto her face while I have her head at the perfect spot as well.

  “I don’t have it. I didn’t do anything,” she yells back in a higher pitch than should be normally heard by human ears before she covers her face with her hands to protect it from the onslaught of knuckles to the nose.

  “You fucking liar! You fucked with my bike and took something that meant more to me than anything in the world and I want it back you bitch,” I boom. I let go of her hair and cock my hand back in order to punch her square in her bitch face, when my raised arm is grabbed and
restrained.

  “Emmie this is not the way to get even with her. There are cameras all over this place and we can find someone in charge to tell us who broke into the trailer. Jack and Chase are in there putting the chain back on now and we’ll get your taper cover back, okay? Calm down, Em,” Adam is now whispering in my ears.

  I notice that Jen’s face pales even more at Adam’s mention of the cameras all over the area and I have no doubt that she is the one who tried to sabotage my bike. Once she’s get caught on tape breaking into my trailer, she’ll be kicked out of WMX for life.

  “You’d better be going now Caruso,” Adam growls at Jen. At his words she turns tail and hustles her ass as far away from me as she can.

  When she’s out of sight Adam releases me from the half nelson and turns me toward him.

  “You’ll probably have to race her today because I don’t know how long it will take the league to review all of the tapes, but I want you to go out onto the track with that same fire and ass kicking attitude you just gave her and smoke the competition. Don’t worry about the bike because it was just the chain that was removed and Jack can fix that with his eyes closed,” Adam bends his knees to catch my eyes so I nod, letting him know that I heard what he’s saying.

  I’m not pissed about the chain. I know Jack can fix that quickly, I could do it in about the same time he could, but my heart is torn to shreds at the thought that Jen the Twat has my taper cover. My dad rode with it on his bike from the day my mom bought it for him until after she died and he bought me my own bike. Dad told me that if I had that cover on my bike mom would always be with me.

  Now, as stupid as it sounds because it’s just a taper cover, I feel like a part of me is missing from this race.

  I quietly make my way back into the trailer to see that Jack almost has the chain back in place and wants me to take the bike out for a test drive to see if it’s tight enough or needs to be adjusted.

  I walk to the front of the trailer to the changing room and get all of my gear on. I put my chest plate over my t-shirt and my riding pants on and then tuck the ends into my riding boots. When I come out of the changing room with my helmet and riding gloves under one arm, I see my black taper pad with M+E in white lettering sitting on the ground next to the tire of the trailer.