MOTHER: A Novel

by Angel Gelique

  “Open it,” she whispered to Emma.

  Emma shook her head. She didn’t know if she could. She knew it was one of those sentimental cards that Jane had always bought for her, the ones she used to barely read and comprehend. Now, she would cling to every word and cherish them all deep within her heart for the rest of her days—or day, if all went according to her plan.

  “Go on honey, you’ll feel better when you do,” Colleen suggested.

  Emma slowly tore open the envelope flap. This was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. She dreaded it while at the same time yearned for it, like a hug from Jane. She wanted to read the sweet words but knew the pain they would cause. Reluctantly, she pulled out the card and opened it slowly. She placed the pile of twenty dollar bills on the table. She had no use for money now.

  She read the sweet words as a lump formed in her throat and long teardrops fell onto the birthday card. The touching verse on the card praised the everlasting bonds between a mother and daughter, bonds of love that could never be severed. To that, Jane had added her own loving words:

  My darling daughter Emma,

  I know that things are hard for us now, but I have

  faith that we’ll be close again one day. I love you,

  Emma, and I’m so proud of you. Everything will be

  just fine, I know it.

  Love Always,

  Mom (Jane)

  Jane…Emma thought sadly, regretting every lost moment, each lost memory. How could she have been so stupid? So childish? Jane had truly loved her unconditionally, swallowing all of the abuse and smiling through her pain and heartache, while Emma had dished out worse and worse forms of maltreatment. Jane accepted it all, never losing faith that Emma would one day embrace her as a mother again, whereas Emma had refused to acknowledge Jane as her mother, and why? Because of her weight, all because of her weight...because she was too embarrassed, she was ashamed because she thought it mattered. It had mattered to her father, or so she believed, but it was all a lie. It was never about weight. All that time, all those days and months hating Jane for no good reason. How could she ever live with herself?

  Emma’s hand reached down to the bulge in her pocket, making sure that the cure for her pain was still within her grasp. Soon she wouldn’t have to live with herself. She would be with Jane in heaven.

  Colleen worried about Emma, not because of her emotional outburst, which was perfectly normal, but because of the crazed look in her eye, which was anything but. Zachary was right. Emma needed constant supervision.

  “Come, Emma, let’s get some of your things packed,” Colleen suggested, hoping to break the melancholy spell that had entranced her.

  “I’ll be there in a second,” Emma said.

  Colleen waited for Emma to be ready. Realizing that Colleen wasn’t leaving without her, Emma walked upstairs. Colleen followed just behind her. She walked straight into her room, purposefully avoiding eye contact with Jane’s room. She thought about how she had destroyed Jane’s laptop and favorite frame. She couldn’t bear to go in there and re-live those painful memories.

  Once in her room, Emma went to her closet and pulled out a small suitcase. She quickly removed the pills from her pocket and shoved them into one of the side pockets of her suitcase. She packed some jeans and sweaters, underwear, a couple pairs of sneakers and boots, her hairbrush, toothbrush, cosmetic items and her purse. Not that I’ll need any of this stuff, she thought. But she didn’t want to raise suspicion.

  Before leaving, Emma remembered that her cell phone was in the

  kitchen and grabbed it. Just before closing the front door, she took a long, final look in the house that held so many fond and bitter memories and felt the familiar pangs of sadness tugging at her heart. She fought back tears as she shut the door.

  ~23~

  Gregory planned Jane’s wake and funeral. The wake would be the following afternoon and the funeral the morning after that. Emma had thought about taking the pills several times throughout the day, but Colleen and Zachary always lingered close at hand. After learning about the burial plans, Emma decided to wait until she could properly say goodbye to Jane. She knew it would be difficult, but she just had to be there.

  Colleen offered to take her shopping, but she didn’t want to waste her money. She had no use for new clothing now. She had a pair of black pants and a black sweater that she would wear to the wake. Colleen planned to get her a black dress for the funeral.

  Sarah had called her on her cell phone and they spoke for over an hour. It was just the distraction Emma needed. To her surprise, many of her “former” friends had called her to extend their condolences. Even Marcy and Kelly called and seemed genuinely sad for her. She had her friends back, but it was a high price to pay for them.

  It was another terribly sad and sleepless night for Emma. She was tormented by memories of her cruelty. She tried to focus on happier times, cherished memories from her childhood, but tonight such memories were fleeting. There was no comfort for her. She awoke the next morning the same way that she fell asleep: with tears in her eyes and anguish in her heart.

  Emma dreaded the day. Nothing could prepare her to see Jane’s stiff, lifeless body. As the afternoon drew near, Emma’s anxiety level rose to an almost intolerable level. She felt nauseous and wanted to back out of going. How could she face Jane like that? How could she say goodbye? Were it not for the constant supervision, Emma would have swallowed every last pill in the bottle and would have been on her way to heaven instead of on her way to the wake.

  The funeral home was packed. Even Gregory was there...and he

  wasn’t alone. There was a pretty young blonde girl at his side holding a fidgety child, presumably Katie. Emma didn’t even care to meet them. She felt sick to her stomach with dread. From the entrance of the room she could see Jane’s casket. It made her want to turn and run away. But there was no turning back now. She would muster up all the courage she possessed, say goodbye and beg for forgiveness. Then she would sneak off to the bathroom and take all of her diet pills, one by one, and wait...wait for Jane to greet her with open arms.

  “Come on, Emma, it’s okay,” Colleen said, gently guiding Emma further into the chapel.

  Emma slowly walked forward. She was not ready to approach the casket. She didn’t know if she could ever be ready for that. She fought the urge to turn back. Her feet felt like lead as she trudged forward. She stopped mid-way down the aisle. She could go no further. She plopped down on the closest seat and struggled to catch her breath. Colleen stayed with her while Zachary and Scott continued toward the casket to pay their respect.

  “Emma,” Colleen whispered, “I know it’s hard but if you don’t say goodbye now, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  Emma was now crying hysterically, drawing attention to herself. Onlookers were sympathetic. Most of them cried along with her. It was hard not to.

  Zachary and Scott returned to them after saying goodbye to Jane. Zachary took Emma’s hand in his.

  “I’ll go with you,” he offered.

  Emma shook her head. She had to do this alone. It was the least she could do. She had tortured Jane while she was alive and now she was the one being tortured. Emma knew she deserved every ounce of the pain and sadness. She pulled herself together as much as possible and stood up on shaky legs. She slowly walked toward the casket, trembling.

  Her instincts urged her to run away, begged her to; she could apologize to Jane in heaven. She disregarded her cowardice, her insecurities, her pain, and forged on. She could now see part of Jane’s body in the casket. She trembled even more. She thought again about the other day when Jane tried to console her sadness that staggering impulse she had felt to throw herself into Jane’s arms and hug her. If only she had followed her instincts instead of letting

  her anger and hatred take over. More than anything she wished that she had the chance to hug her again...to have Jane hug her back and assure her that everything would be fine.


  Emma could hear and feel her heart pounding rapidly within her chest. Maybe she would have a heart attack and wouldn’t need to take the pills. One could hope....

  She pulled her purse closely to her side and clung to it like a life preserver. Inside, the bottle of pills would rescue her. She walked the final few steps with her eyes tightly shut. She knew once she opened them, she would be face to face with Jane. She did not dare to open her eyes just yet.

  Emma tried desperately to think of the wonderful moments that they had shared together, but all that came to mind were images of Jane’s face, desolate and beaten as Emma verbally assaulted her with her venomous words. All the times she had denounced Jane as her mother, all the times she wished she was dead...and now she was. She didn’t have a mother anymore...her mother was dead....

  Just before Emma opened her eyes, an image suddenly flashed in her mind, paralyzing her. It was the one bad memory she had fought to suppress—the one she had willed herself never to think about. It was the memory of her party, when she shouted out for all to hear, “THAT FAT BITCH IS NOT MY MOTHER!” Emma could hear it echo painfully in her ears, she could see the sorrow in Jane’s tearful eyes. She swallowed hard as she trembled, looking down at Jane now. No more pain for her...she was at peace now. But Emma lost control. She could not contain herself.

  “SHE IS MY MOTHER,” she shouted loudly, her voice resonating throughout the room. “SHE IS, SHE’S MY MOTHER, SHE’S MY MOTHER AND I LOVE HER, I NEED MY MOTHER, I WANT MY MOTTTHHHEEEEERRRR… MOTTTHHHEEEERRRRRRR”

  Emma was hysterical. Zachary and Colleen pulled her away from Jane, kicking and screaming. Zachary carried her outside of the room and they all stood there hugging as Emma sobbed loudly.

  Moments later, Gregory approached, followed by Sue who was still holding Katie.

  “Emma,” he said softly, “I’d like you to meet Sue and your sister

  Katie.”

  Emma looked up at him in disbelief, her face wet with tears.

  Why was he doing this now?

  Emma wanted to tell him to get lost—to drop dead, even, but she had learned a hard lesson. Cruel words weren’t worth it. Instead she just ignored him, looking away as she clung to Colleen and Zachary.

  “Emma?” Gregory called out.

  “Another time,” Zachary said sternly, hoping he’d back away and give Emma some space.

  Gregory and Sue walked away as the funeral home director approached holding a glass of water. He expressed his sympathy and handed the glass over to Emma. He pulled Colleen aside and asked if she needed a referral to psychologist for Emma. Emma mentioned Dr. Murdock and he seemed pleased to know that Emma would be receiving help coping with her mother’s death.

  Emma regained her composure and told Colleen and Zachary that she needed to use the restroom. She would be right back. Colleen and Zachary exchanged concerned expressions and Colleen quickly said, “you know, I’ll go with you, I need to wash up.”

  Emma hoped the bathroom had multiple stalls so that she could accomplish what she was setting out to do. Carrying the glass of water with her, she walked to the restroom. No one seemed to notice or question this. Colleen followed behind her.

  To Emma’s delight, the bathroom had three stalls. Emma entered the one furthest on the right, still carrying the glass of water. Colleen noticed, but didn’t question it. She figured Emma had a lot on her mind and just wasn’t thinking straight. Besides, what harm could come from a glass of water? If she heard the glass break, then she would worry.

  Emma pulled out the bottle of pills as quietly as possible. She opened it and removed the pills one at a time, swallowing each one with a small sip of water. She counted and swallowed all eighteen pills and smiled. She hoped it would be a nice, painless death. She wanted to pass out and wake up in her mother’s arms.

  “Are you all right in there Emma?” Colleen asked.

  “Just fine, Mrs. Connor,” she replied robotically. She placed the empty bottle back into her purse, flushed the toilet, walked out of the stall and washed her hands, leaving the empty glass on the counter.

  “Can we leave?” Emma asked.

  “But we just...you know, I think you’re right, we can leave now,” Colleen said and she thought she saw Emma smiling.

  “You know, why don’t you, Mr. Connor and Scott stay? I could

  just wait in the car.”

  “Nonsense, we’ll go get some lunch.”

  Emma felt the drugs affecting her heart rate just as they had reached the car. She panicked. She didn’t want a painful death, she just wanted to fall asleep. Yet, the pills had always made her hyper. Maybe she’d have a massive heart attack. She was afraid but no longer cared. It would all be over soon.

  In the car, she closed her eyes. It was becoming painful, but she thought of her mom’s face and smiled. I love you, Mom. It was as though she could feel herself slipping away, her life-force slowly fading from existence. She imagined herself floating at sea, adrift the rough waters. Her body shook violently. She seemed to be having a seizure. Her chest felt tight and she involuntarily gasped for air.

  Jane heard the heart monitor start beeping erratically. Her own heart sank as she feared the worst. She looked down at Emma. She looked so pale and frail.

  “Please Emma,” she cried, “hang on, baby, don’t leave me, I love you...I know you can hear me.”

  For the past week and a half, Jane practically lived in Emma’s hospital room, watching over her, praying for her to pull through. She didn’t know what happened. One minute she was on the couch, the next she was awake in a hospital room. She was diagnosed with an ulcer, one that had just perforated her stomach and required immediate surgery. She had nearly died. She told the doctors and nurses about Emma—that she couldn’t leave her alone on her birthday. She wanted to sign herself out and go home. They told her not to worry, she was being cared for. Had she not been so out of it, she would have thought to ask, “by whom?”

  The answer came two days later when Sarah entered her hospital room. She was the last person on earth Jane had expected to see. She knew instantly that something was wrong.

  “Where’s Emma?” she asked frantically.

  “Upstairs,” Sarah said, tears in her eyes.

  Jane felt relieved knowing that Emma was close by, not realizing that Sarah was informing her that Emma herself was occupying a hospital bed upstairs in the pediatric ward.

  “What’s she doing up there?” Jane had asked, before noticing the

  tears roll down Sarah’s eyes. Something was wrong, was it Emma?

  “Emma’s in the hospital too,” Sarah said sadly.

  “You mean as a patient? Why? What’s wrong with her?”

  Jane panicked.

  “She was starving herself,” Sarah answered.

  Oh my God, Jane thought, I should have known...I should have done something....

  Jane freed herself from the intravenous line and beeping monitors and stepped out of bed to search for her clothing. Her stomach hurt, but it was mostly a dull ache that waned in comparison to the sharp, stabbing pain she was used to experiencing. A nurse ran in and reprimanded her. Jane ignored her completely as she began dressing, though she heeded the nurse’s warning to move slowly and not overdo it. Another nurse entered the room.

  “You can’t do that,” she yelled.

  “You can’t keep me here,” Jane challenged her. She was going to be with Emma. Nothing and no one was going to stand in her way.

  “Just wait for the doctor,” the nurse advised.

  “The doctor can find me upstairs in my daughter’s room,” Jane yelled. She was livid. Why hadn’t she been informed about her daughter? She had a right to know.

  Just as she was about to leave, the doctor entered the room. He was annoyed by her rash decision to leave, but at the same time, understood the urgency.

  “Mrs. Winston,” he said “I can appreciate your dilemma, but in my professional opinion, it’s too soon for you to be discharged. You just underwent sur
gery. You won’t do your daughter any good if you get an infection.”

  “I’ll just be upstairs,” Jane said nervously. Of course she didn’t want to jeopardize her health, but the thought of Emma starving herself to the point of hospitalization was far more disconcerting.

  “Well it’s clear that I can’t change your mind. You’ll have to sign a form stating that you chose to leave against your doctor’s orders.”

  “I’ll sign whatever I have to, just make it quick, please, I have to get to my daughter.”

  The minute Jane was formerly discharged and allowed to leave, she followed Sarah to Emma’s room. Gregory was sitting beside Emma, along with Sarah’s mother, Lara Palmer.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Jane yelled at Gregory as she rushed to Emma’s side.

  “You needed medical attention yourself,” Gregory said.

  “How is she?”

  “Not good,” Gregory said, choking up. “Her organs started failing. She’s in a coma.”

  “Oh my God,” Jane sobbed. She placed her head on Emma’s shoulder and cried like a child. Her baby was just lying there motionless, hooked to a bunch of noisy machines, dying perhaps, and there was nothing she could do. She cursed herself for not noticing. She knew Emma had lost weight, but she had no idea that Emma was intentionally starving herself. Then she remembered the diet pills she had found. Her heart raced.

  “Do they know about the pills she was taking?” she asked in a panic.

  “They do thanks to Sarah. How could you let her take those—”

  “What? You think I let her take them? I just found out about them...I was going to take her to the hospital when she came home from school. I was waiting for her and...the next thing I know, I’m in a hospital room myself,” Jane answered, in between sobs.