When I Know Your Name

by Gemma M. Lawrence

  Her bruise twanged, and she put her hand to it without thinking.

  ‘Did he hurt you a lot?’ Charlotte asked.

  ‘Yes, he did, but it could have been so much worse,’ Elena said as she glanced at her friend’s troubled expression. ‘And I survived. That’s what matters.’ She removed her hand and inhaled deeply. ‘Anyway, that’s enough of ordeals and dysfunctional families,’ she said with a smile as she fought the gloom that was creeping into her. ‘How’s Jake?’

  ‘Oh, he’s fine. A chilled-out dude apparently,’ Charlotte said, picking up on the change in Elena. ‘But skiing in Austria with the boys will do that for you,’ she said as she rolled her eyes in mock exasperation. Jake was more likely to walk over hot coals than let a boys’ jolly pass him by. Elena smiled, knowing Charlotte didn’t mind, despite the eye-rolling. ‘Speaking of cool dudes, have you seen Adam?’

  Elena spluttered and gulped down her wine before she decorated the kitchen with it.

  Charlotte knew him well. He was self-assured, with more than enough money in the bank, but a ‘cool dude’ he was not and never would be.

  ‘Yes, he came to the hospital,’ Elena said with a sigh.

  ‘Hmm. He was so worried about you. He must be thrilled to have you back.’

  ‘Yes, he made a good show of it.’

  Charlotte eyed her. ‘Oh. Is everything okay on that score?’

  ‘I don’t know. I feel so differently now. I can’t bear him anywhere near me, you know, intimately.’

  ‘But you’ve only just come out of the hospital,’ Charlotte said, confused. ‘Why would you worry about that?’

  Elena twisted the stem of her wine glass between her fingers. ‘Well, he got a little carried away. Told me how much he missed me, and then wanted to… you know.’

  Charlotte held her hands up. ‘Whoa there, lady! Back up a little. You mean to tell me that he visited you last night and expected sex, in a hospital bed?’

  The fire rose in Charlotte’s green eyes, and Elena could have hugged her.

  ‘Yep, and it would have happened too, if I hadn’t put a stop to it.’

  ‘I just don’t believe it,’ Charlotte fumed. ‘Bloody hell.’

  ‘It’s fine, Charlotte,’ she said with a smile. ‘He backed off and apologised. He was an idiot, but this is difficult, for all of us. We’re all full of pent-up emotions and his just came out like that. No big deal.’

  ‘Hmm, well I think you’re being very gracious, and if you need time on that score, you take it. Don’t rush anything,’ Charlotte said as she poured more wine. ‘He’ll cope.’

  The sense of gloom within Elena had now morphed into a black cloud, hovering over her and seeming to suck all of the air out of the room. She couldn’t breathe, took big gulps of air, and fanned her top. ‘Is it getting hot in here or is it me? Should we open a window? Maybe we should open a window. Maybe I should have more wine? Or water. Yes, maybe water.’

  Charlotte gently placed her hand over Elena’s. ‘It’s okay, honey. Take a minute. You’re quite safe here.’

  Elena nodded and calmed herself as Charlotte rose from the table to open the large sash window above the kitchen sink. She took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water, placing it down in front of Elena.

  When Elena’s heart rate steadied, she took a sip.

  ‘You’ve been through so much. Do you want to talk some more?’ Charlotte said as she brushed some of Elena’s hair over her shoulder.

  Elena shrugged. ‘No, not really. I’m just so tired,’ she said, her voice wavering. ‘I haven’t slept properly in such a long time.’ Tears stung her eyes. ‘And even now, I can’t seem to rest, however much I try, what with the nightmares and my mind buzzing with flashbacks.’

  ‘Come here,’ Charlotte soothed as she wrapped her arm around her. ‘What you’ve been through is unimaginable. All these feelings are bound to be expected. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. It’s only been a day or so, and you’ve done so well already. You’re out of the hospital, getting on with your life again. It might take a bit of time, but things will improve.’

  Elena looked at her. ‘But what if it doesn’t?’

  Charlotte gave a sympathetic smile. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘What if I never feel free?’

  ‘But you are free. You need to focus only on that.’

  ‘No, I’m not,’ Elena said.

  ‘Yes, you are,’ Charlotte replied. ‘No one is stopping you from doing anything. You could walk out of that door right now. Do exactly what you want, with whomever you want, and there is no one to stop you.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Elena murmured under her breath.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nothing. Look, I hear what you’re saying. I know I can do what I like, but I still feel trapped,’ she said as she gently tapped her fingers against her heart. ‘Do you know what I mean? I survived, but there’s no happiness. There’s no release of emotion. There’s nothing, actually. I feel nothing, only numb.’

  ‘Oh, honey.’

  ‘And I’m suffocating, here in the open air. Everything is wrong. Everything out there is too loud and too busy. Life, people, crowds. So many people. It’s… intimidating.’

  Charlotte rubbed Elena’s arm.

  ‘It’s always there,’ Elena continued. ‘The experience. The memories. I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but I just want to feel safe again. It’s all I want… I just want…’ She stopped herself.

  ‘What, honey? What do you want?’ Charlotte asked.

  Elena opened her mouth to speak. Part of her wanted to tell her friend everything, to let all her feelings spill out of her mouth in one incoherent stream, but she stopped herself before any words were spoken. It was too dangerous and too much of a risk to ruin everything by a hurried confession, just to ease her mind.

  Charlotte glanced down at Elena’s hands, temporarily pausing the conversation. Elena looked down too and saw her hands gripped tight into fists, her skin stretched and knuckles white. It was only then that the sharp pain of nails digging into skin struck her senses. She released them and smiled. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy.

  With a kind expression, Charlotte took hold of Elena's hands and turned them carefully to check that no skin was broken.

  ‘I just want to be me again,’ Elena whispered.

  ‘But you are still you, beautiful,’ Charlotte said as she held Elena’s hands in her own. ‘This doesn’t have to define you.’

  ‘Doesn’t it?’

  ‘No, you’re you, and you have your family, and me, and Adam. When he’s not being a prick. We can help you feel better. And it will get better, honey, just give it time.’

  Elena smiled, but it didn’t help to ease her mind as a tear slipped out and rolled down her cheek.

  There’s only one person who can help me, and he’s not here.

  ‘Perhaps you should consider visiting the counsellor? It might help with your emotions, or lack of them, when you’ve had a bit more time?’ Charlotte said.

  ‘No,’ she said quickly. ‘I don’t need their help, and that’s not going to change.’ She pulled her hands out from Charlotte’s hold.

  Charlotte smiled, but concern still shone in her eyes. ‘Are you sure, Elena? These people can help you heal.’

  ‘Stop the wound healing more like,’ Elena muttered. ‘Pulling it open to examine every last part of it. I really don’t want, or need, people picking through the ashes of my emotions. They want to put me into a neat little box of what they think I should feel, making me at best the victim and, at worst, a new case study. I’m not sure I want that kind of help, not from them. It’s too hard.’

  ‘I’m sure it wouldn’t be like that.’

  ‘But don’t you see, this was my experience, Charlotte. So I have to figure this stuff out for myself.’

  ‘But honey, these people are trained to help you. You don’t have to be alone with this.’

  Elena nodded and looked away, not wanting Charlotte
to see the turmoil in her eyes. ‘I just need some time.’

  ‘I get the picture,’ Charlotte said, backing off now. ‘You have to do things your own way. And there’s no pressure or judgement here, so let’s park this conversation for now. You’ve been through enough.’ She reached for the wine. ‘I suggest that I cook you the dinner of your choice and we drink this. After that, we’re going to watch a couple of movies and eat plenty of chocolate and popcorn. We’ll wrap ourselves in blankets and crash out on the sofa. These worries can bother us another day. What do you say to that?’

  Elena managed a smile, even though her heart hung heavy in her chest. ‘I say bring it on.’

  Chapter 15

  ‘Lena, wait!’ Adam shouted as he hurriedly paid the taxi driver.

  Elena rushed to the entrance of Adam’s building. ‘Leave me alone,’ she cried as she pushed open the door.

  He caught her up as she pushed the button for the lift and swiped away the tears on her cheeks.

  ‘Why the drama?’ he asked, exasperated, as they both stepped inside. ‘I thought it would be nice, that’s all.’

  ‘What, parading me around your work colleagues and friends like an exhibition piece?’ she said as she jabbed at the door button. ‘Elena the survivor. I don’t think so.’

  The lift pinged at his floor, and she strode out towards his apartment.

  ‘Look I’m sorry about the surprise party, and I only did it because I knew you wouldn’t agree to the idea of a normal party, but people wanted to see you. To celebrate.’

  ‘Of course I wouldn’t have agreed to it,’ she cried. ‘I couldn’t have imagined anything worse. I agreed to you taking me out tonight because you said we’d have dinner and I thought that would be nice. Something normal.’

  He thrust his key into the lock and let her in. ‘Lena, it’s been two weeks, and I’m really glad you agreed to come and stay with me, but you really do need to move on with your life. I just thought this would be a good place to start.’

  ‘Move on? Move on!’ she yelled as she tossed her clutch bag on to the sofa. ‘Do you know how hard I’m trying to keep it all together right now?’

  He moved to her and held her shoulders. ‘Of course I do, but at some point things do have to get back to normal.’

  Watching his frustration, she began to cry. ‘You don’t know what it was like. So many people with so many questions. And all your work colleagues too. People I hardly know asking me the most personal of questions.’ She didn’t mention the only reason she retreated to the toilets was because of an impending panic attack that only subsided once she was within the peace of a cubicle. ‘God, it was awful.’

  ‘Yes, I can see how overwhelming that would’ve been, I suppose,’ he said as he pulled her close. ‘But please stop crying now.’

  She stared at him. ‘I am overwhelmed every single day. And why did you not think to invite any of my friends?’ Elena said, crossing her arms tightly. ‘Life out there is busy and loud, and I’m struggling. Charlotte’s support would have helped me so much.’

  ‘Shh,’ he soothed impatiently. ‘Just calm down.’

  She shook her head. ‘I just can’t understand why you would think it was a good idea.’

  ‘All right, Lena, I get it. It was a terrible idea,’ he snapped.

  He stopped, collected himself, and she used the moment to do the same. She wasn’t sure she believed him but had little energy to decide if he’d deliberately chosen to push her out of her self-imposed exile, or if he genuinely believed this was a good idea.

  ‘I just thought it would be nice,’ he said with a shrug. ‘A chance for you to dress up a little and take your mind off everything by meeting new people.’

  ‘Didn’t do you any harm either, did it,’ she muttered, remnants of anger still bubbling inside.

  ‘Now what do you mean?’

  ‘I saw the nice little chat you were having with your boss. I saw the pat on your back. So, you’re the supportive partner and the highest achiever at work. Well done. Lots of brownie points there, eh, Adam?’

  He rolled his eyes. ‘Elena, you really need to get a grip now.’

  ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yes, you do,’ he said, frustration furrowing his brow. ‘This can’t go on.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, it’s clear you’re still struggling psychologically…’

  Nothing to do with having you for a boyfriend, then?

  ‘So what do you suggest?’ she asked. ‘Seeing as how you seem to have all the answers.’

  ‘Well, an update from the police might be a start.’

  ‘I’m still waiting to hear. McAllister said he would be in touch.’

  ‘Well, I suggest you chase that up because once the case is closed, it’ll mean it’s all over and a step closer to getting back to normal. Then this can stop being so… I don’t know… so hard.’

  ‘Hard?’ she snapped. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry this is so hard for you, Adam. I’m sorry what an inconvenience this has been for you.’

  ‘Damn it, Lena!’ he yelled. ‘That’s not what I meant.’

  ‘But you see, I couldn’t worry about what you’d be feeling,’ she continued, not listening. ‘I was too terrified that I wasn’t going to survive it. On top of all that, I have to contend with the fact that my own father decided against paying a ransom. So, I’m sorry if all that has been hard on you, but believe me, it’s been considerably harder for me. But you wouldn’t know because you don’t care how I’m feeling.’

  ‘Yes, I do!’ he spat.

  ‘No, Adam, you don’t. You care about what your friends think, what your boss thinks, but not me. Not the person at the centre of this. You just want to protect your brand, but please enlighten me if I’ve got that wrong.’ She exhaled, attempting to let the anger out with it.

  ‘Oh, please. Stop being so dramatic,’ he muttered coldly.

  ‘After what I’ve been through tonight, I can be whatever the hell I like.’

  They both stood in frosty silence, the room electric with the anger that radiated from them both.

  She rubbed her temples, trying to ease another headache that threatened as he watched, brooding in the temporary respite of anger.

  ‘I can’t do this,’ she said with a sigh, stepping out of her heels and striding towards his bedroom.

  ‘So you’re going to run away, is that it?’

  ‘I’m going to get changed, that’s what I’m doing. And I think it’s probably for the best. Get some time out.’

  ‘Fine,’ he muttered behind her.

  She kept her pace. She hadn’t wanted to come and stay with him, but his endless requests had worn her down. He wanted her with him, that’s what he’d told her, but he spent most of his time at work, leaving her alone in his apartment with nothing but her thoughts and the choice she had to make.

  She lay on the bed and listened to him clattering about in the kitchen and glanced at the door as he came into the room with two glasses of wine. He handed one to her and sat on the edge of the bed.

  The distance between them now highlighted the inevitable, she knew that, but she also picked up the feeling that he knew it too. They sat together in silence, drinking the wine that neither of them wanted.

  ‘What do you want, Lena?’ he asked eventually.

  She sighed. ‘I don’t know,’ she said as she wrapped her hands around her glass. ‘I need some time. This set-up isn’t working, for either of us.’

  He nodded.

  ‘Maybe I should go back to Charlotte’s. For now.’

  ‘Yeah, maybe,’ he muttered with a stony expression. ‘I’m certainly no good for you at the moment.’

  ‘Adam, please don’t give me guilt too,’ she said. ‘I can’t take it.’

  He stood up and walked to the door. ‘Okay, whatever. I’ll leave you in peace. I’ll be in the spare room if you need me.’ He paused and turned in the doorway. ‘And you know, maybe we’d feel stronger if we shared a bed again sometime soon. Do
what couples do?’

  She shrugged. They would never be that again, not now. ‘I’m sorry.’

  He nodded and reluctantly left the room.

  She placed the glass down and flung herself back on the bed with a frustrated groan.

  ***

  She woke in an empty bed, and once she’d hauled herself out of it and into the kitchen, an empty apartment. Her phone buzzed in her clutch bag, but she made no effort to get it, not caring who it might be. Only when she had a mug of hot coffee in her hand did she grab it.

  Her parents. Wanting answers, and to know when she’d visit. Still unable to face them, she decided her voicemail would take up the slack, for now.

  She showered, dressed, and packed up her things. She should finish whatever was left of her relationship with Adam; she wasn’t being fair. But to finish it would mean that there was nothing in the way of her other decision, and she wasn’t ready for that yet either. So she listened to her conscience, which had become an annoying voice on her shoulder, telling her that she should do the right thing; she should try and make it work. So, for now, some space was what was needed. For them both.

  She texted Charlotte and asked if she could go back to hers, to which Charlotte immediately replied with a ‘yes’.

  Relieved, she busied herself and called the concierge to request a taxi, realising she had become a nomad, living in everyone’s space but her own. She didn’t care. She needed to be around people – people who could keep her on the right path. Something that was becoming harder by the day. While she waited, she made some calls. The first being her boss at the museum. She said all the right things, how she just needed a little more time and then she would put it all behind her and focus on her work. All the things necessary to garner maximum sympathy and maximum time away from the monotonous distraction of work.

  When she was finished, she pulled up her parents’ number, paused, and then backed out. She couldn’t do it, not yet.

  She had just placed her bags by the door when her phone beeped again – a number she didn’t recognise. Her body tensed as she gripped the phone tightly.