When I Know Your Name

by Gemma M. Lawrence

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hello, Elena, how are you?’ McAllister asked.

  ‘I’m fine thanks,’ she said as she worked to relax her shoulders. ‘Do you have news? Have you found something?’

  ‘No, I’m afraid not,’ he said and paused. ‘And actually, I have to tell you that it’s very likely we’ll have to close our enquiries on your case.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said, surprised. Surprised that it had been so easy.

  ‘I know, I’m as frustrated as you are,’ he continued. ‘We’ve had no further leads, and forensics have come up with nothing.’

  ‘I see,’ she said. ‘Well, thank you for giving me the heads-up.’

  She listened to the sounds of paper shuffling and imagined him going through the notes as they spoke.

  ‘These people were professionals,’ he continued. ‘There is no other theory as to how they got the place so clean.’

  She processed the information. The police had nowhere to go. The man they needed was lying in the mortuary, on the road to hell for all she cared, and there was no other evidence. It was over.

  ‘Are you okay, Elena?’ McAllister asked after a moment.

  She shook her head, bringing herself back to the conversation. ‘Yes. Yes, I think so. It’s very disappointing, of course, but it was to be expected, I suppose.’

  ‘You’re right, it is very disappointing,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘But we have nothing. Absolutely nothing. That in itself is very odd.’

  The tone in his voice hinted to Elena that this was a man who’d probably lived on his wits for a long time, and solved many cases from instinct and gut feeling alone. She was well aware that he didn’t believe her version of events, and that there was a glaring missing link, but she wasn’t ready to cave in yet. His loss was her gain. She wondered if this conversation had him gripping the phone as much as she was.

  ‘I’m sorry that you haven’t had a better outcome.’

  ‘And you haven’t given any more thought to seeing Dr Jones?’ he asked. ‘She really could help you, if you let her.’

  His question disarmed her. ‘No,’ she stumbled. ‘I don’t think so ...’

  The line was silent for a moment. ‘I see. And you’re sure there’s nothing new you want to share with me? Anything at all?’

  ‘No, I’m sorry, I have nothing. As I said before, I was only kept in that small room and saw very little.’

  ‘Of course, yes, that’s what you said before,’ he said and sighed. ‘Well, I’ll be in touch again soon to confirm everything, but if you remember anything, you will call me, yes? Immediately?’

  ‘I will. And thank you for all your help. I know this must be difficult for you.’

  ‘Yes, and Elena–’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Just remember that people are trying to help you, if you let them. We want justice for you. Nothing else.’

  ‘I realise that,’ she whispered. ‘And thank you.’

  She finished the call and stumbled to the sofa, panic turning her legs to jelly. She sat, took a moment, and waited for the torrent of emotion to subside. And for her legs to carry her weight again.

  When she had calmed, she wrote a note for Adam explaining where she was going, and with a strong sense that this chapter of her life was coming to an end, she picked up her bags, scanned the room, and left the apartment.

  Chapter 16

  Elena couldn’t sleep. The nightmares visited most nights and left her drained, soaked in a cold sweat, bedsheets mangled beneath her or in a heap on the floor. She’d even taken to sleeping with a light on in the hope that it would help, but it didn’t. Those early hours were the worst because in that quiet time, a sense of emptiness would touch her soul. She missed him, as insane as that was, and his absence from her life demanded her attention until she was a knotted ball of anxiety.

  Today was no different. She rose from her bed, pulled on some clothes, and went to the kitchen to make tea. Settling on the sofa with Pootle on her lap, she watched the sunrise, letting her mind flood with memories of him. It always came back to him. She wanted him, and she wanted the safety and protection that he offered. He could take it all away – the chaos, the noise, and the people and their constant questions. It had been just days since she’d left Adam, and although she wanted to do the right thing on that score, she was already gone, out of the relationship and ready to move on.

  She pulled the little white card out from her pocket – she always kept it with her, not wanting to risk losing it – and traced her finger over the digits. The numbers jumped out at her and something deep within needed the connection again. It made her reach for her phone.

  Opening a new, blank text, she hovered between blind panic and yearning. She paused, her thumb suspended above the screen. What would she say? She remembered his last words to her before he left. Once you invite me into your life, there will be no going back.

  Faint sounds of movement in the other room brought Elena back. Looking up from her phone to see Charlotte emerge from her night’s sleep, she tucked her phone and the card back into her pocket, carefully, so as not to upset the sleeping cat. Whatever she had planned to say would remain unsaid, for today.

  Charlotte shuffled into the room, yawning, her flame-coloured hair tumbling down her back – a warrior queen in pink fluffy slippers and dressing gown. Pootle looked up from his sleepy daze, assessing whether he had the energy to ask for more food.

  ‘Morning,’ Charlotte sighed as she swiped her hand over Pootle’s ears. ‘Do you want more tea?’ she asked as she grabbed the large mug at Elena’s feet and walked to the kitchen. ‘Although you shouldn’t drink so much of the stuff. You know it won’t help you relax. You need chamomile for that.’

  Elena said nothing and wrinkled her nose at the thought. She hated the taste of chamomile tea, and it did nothing for her sleep either. She struggled to see the point of it.

  ‘I know, I know, you hate it,’ Charlotte said as she slouched towards the kitchen, her slippers making muted flumps against the floor. ‘But you won’t sleep any better with all that caffeine rushing through your body.’

  ‘I know, you’re right,’ Elena said, rubbing her hand over her forehead.

  Their conversation was halted when Charlotte’s phone rang out. She turned and walked back, picking it up from the table.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, putting it on to loudspeaker.

  ‘Morning Charlotte,’ Adam said into the quiet room.

  Elena’s stomach sank.

  ‘Adam,’ she said with surprise, ‘To what do we owe this pleasure so early in the morning?’

  ‘Thought I’d call in before work. See how you’re both doing.’

  She looked at Elena and held out the phone for her, but Elena silently shook her head.

  ‘Ah, well if you want Elena, you’ve just missed her,’ Charlotte said as she walked towards the kitchen again. ‘She’s in the shower.’

  Elena listened, the phone still on loudspeaker.

  ‘How is she?’ he asked.

  ‘She’s someone who’s been to hell and back,’ Charlotte said. ‘But she’s okay. When she manages to sleep.’

  ‘And is that often?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Well, does she have anything for that?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I don’t think so. Why?’

  Adam sighed. ‘I don’t know, I just wondered if she’d been prescribed something by the doctors that was making her behaviour a little… strange.’

  Elena raised her eyebrows at that. The cheek.

  ‘She’s not strange,’ Charlotte said defensively. ‘She’s got a lot to work through, that’s all.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘What is it, Adam?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ he replied after a moment. ‘I want to help, but she keeps pushing me away. Everything’s changed. And so has she.’

  ‘Give her time.’

  ‘I’m not…’ he began, stumbling over his words. ‘I’m not sure I can.’

&nbs
p; ‘So you want to end it? Now, when she’s still really vulnerable, you want to abandon her?’

  Elena sat forward, straining to hear.

  ‘I can’t give her what she needs.’

  ‘Do you want to give her what she needs?’

  He answered Charlotte’s question with silence.

  ‘Well, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do,’ Charlotte said, her tone clipped. ‘But treat her with care, Adam. She’s very fragile.’

  Elena struggled to hear the muted conversation that followed, and the resounding quiet was overwhelming. So too was the desire to grab her phone and make that call. The conflict between what she wanted most and what was right no longer tugged at her conscience.

  Charlotte returned, crossed the room and hugged her.

  ‘I guess you heard most of that?’

  She nodded. ‘Yeah, most of it.’

  ‘It’ll be okay,’ she soothed. ‘He doesn’t know how to handle this. Maybe a little time and space will help him work it through in his mind.’

  ‘What if I don’t care how he feels? What then?’

  ‘Well, I think we both know what that means, don’t we, honey?’

  At that moment, any doubt in her mind cleared like clouds after a storm. She knew what she wanted and what she’d do. She knew exactly what she’d do. And it made him closer than ever.

  ***

  Elena’s apartment was tidy, and now she was here she realised how much she’d missed it. Her home, mismatched and comfortable. It had the quietness and even on this early summer day, the coolness of a place that hadn’t been lived in for a while, as if it had lost the energy and warmth that comes from someone living within its walls.

  But that was about to change as Charlotte opened windows, letting warm air breeze in and then selected music to play from her phone. They sang a little and danced a little as they unpacked the supplies they had stopped off to buy on their way, and Elena was impressed with herself and her ability to look happy and normal when all the while the small white card lingered in her pocket.

  It was late when Charlotte left, and as she climbed into a taxi, she called out instructions to phone her the moment Elena was scared or regretted her decision to be alone. Elena shut the door to her apartment, locking up with care. Of course she regretted her decision to be alone. It meant that she was free to do as she pleased with no one to stop her. And that was about to prove her downfall.

  The room was quiet, except for the slow tick from the large old clock that hung from her wall. She checked her phone. One voice message – from her mother. Elena listened to the frustrated request for her to get in touch and promptly deleted it.

  She paced the room. She looked down at her hands clutching the small white card, and her mind raced, surging with new energy. Maybe she had always known that this would be her decision. Maybe what she was about to do was inevitable. But everything was clear now, like the dawn of a new morning, full of clarity and light. It was a clever game he played.

  He knew all along what he was doing with her. He hadn’t invested so much time and energy in her to simply let her go at the end of it. No, he was never going to do that. But by his own admission, he wasn’t a thug to force her either. He had to let her choose. A simple plan, because what’s more powerful than free will and the ability to make your own choices in life? Nobody wants to have decisions made for them or thrust upon them. Allowing someone to make their own choice is clever reverse psychology.

  Of course he could come back for her – she was certainly no match for him – but what would be the point of that? What he desired was complete and absolute surrender, on his terms, but at her choice, and if he had to wait for it, then so be it.

  But now the ticking clock highlighted the movement of time, and it made her anxious. She had given it her best, but it was pointless fighting anymore. She patrolled the room, rearranging photo frames, plumping cushions on the sofa, giving herself one more chance to consider what she wanted most of all – him. And to call that number.

  It’s just one call. It’s just one simple call.

  …tick

  He’ll never let you go. You know he’ll never let you go.

  …tick

  I don’t care.

  …tick

  I need him.

  …tick

  Move! Now!

  She rushed to the table, urgency filling her as she grabbed her phone and dialled the number. Three attempts. Clumsy fingers. She inhaled deeply but was unable to fill her lungs, dizzy with what she was about to do.

  The phone rang three times.

  ‘Hello, Elena,’ he said, his voice composed and familiar. ‘So, you finally did it. You finally called.’

  The sound of his voice sent shockwaves through her.

  ‘I…’ She stumbled as the words failed to form in her tense jaw.

  ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he murmured. ‘Where are you now?’

  ‘Home.’

  ‘I see,’ he said. ‘And you understand what this phone call means? That I’m going to come for you now.’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered, as still as stone.

  ‘Good. Then I’m on my way.’

  She hung up the phone and stared at it. No going back now. She wanted to scream as thrill and fear ran through her, but she was mute. So she waited and paced again as shock seeped into her.

  Thirty minutes passed like hours, and the door buzzer puncturing the silence marked his arrival. One last chance to stop this, change her mind, but the thought of turning him away now was never a consideration as she dashed across the room and hit the button on the intercom with shaking hands. She released the catch on her door and stepped back from the unmistakable sound of his footfall on the stairs.

  The door opened, and her eyes locked onto his immediately. She was surrounded by his power again, and it pulled her tantalisingly towards him. He looked exactly as before – his clothes, his hair, and those eyes – only now he was in her home, at her invitation. If she thought about it too much, she might lose her mind, so she ignored it, instead choosing to relish the sight of him. She’d missed him.

  ‘You came,’ she said. A pathetic statement, but she had to start somewhere.

  He pushed the door closed and walked into the room, closer, but not enough to touch. ‘I keep my promises, Elena.’

  She wanted to go to him but hesitated. ‘Am I crazy for wanting this?’ she said, as the enormity of the situation hit her. ‘For wanting you?’ She placed her hand on the back of the sofa, steadying her trembling body.

  ‘You’re not crazy.’

  ‘I really tried, you know. I really tried living my life, being normal. Fitting in.’

  ‘I know how you fought it,’ he said with a sincerity that proved he hadn’t kept his distance. ‘Just as I knew you would.’

  She nodded as the deep ache within her that had been a permanent fixture since she had left him began to lift.

  ‘I didn’t like it,’ he said, his eyes unfaltering. ‘It took everything I had in me not to take you away. But I’m glad you did what you did, because now I know that you’re sure.’

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t know that I’ll ever be sure,’ she whispered. ‘I only know that I don’t want to feel like this anymore.’

  ‘So don’t fight it,’ he murmured. ‘I can help you. I can take away your pain.’

  She hesitated, and although she tried to speak, no more words came.

  She watched as he took one step towards her, then another, and another, her heart racing as he moved closer. When he reached out and encircled her hand with his own, she flinched, her breath catching in her throat from the feel of his skin. He smiled at her reaction and pulled her firmly towards him.

  And that was it. It was done. The connection was made, never to be broken.

  Her legs threatened to give way as she fought to keep control of her own body. He was inches from her now, the warmth exuding from him. Just as before.

  ‘It’s okay,’ he said softly, his e
yes on her mouth and the small gasp that escaped as their bodies touched. ‘Don’t try to make sense of it yet. You need answers, and I can do that. I’ll give you all the answers you need.’

  Taking her face in his hands he gently caressed her cheeks with his thumbs. She didn’t flinch but let herself be drawn towards him as she slipped into his gaze and his control, happy to give in to it. Everything was so much better when she did. His mouth was enticingly close, and she ached for the feel of his lips against hers again.

  He didn’t make her wait, and with eyes alive with desire, he pressed his mouth to hers. Instantly, her body sparked into life, craving him too, and she responded to his kiss; exploring, tasting, teasing.

  He held her, controlled her, and with his hands on her back now, he pulled her closer, his fingers digging into her skin. Her body reacted like it would any other drug it had been deprived of, becoming quickly intoxicated as her heart raced blood through her veins. Tension filled her. She hungered for more and snaked her arms around his neck, drawing him in as the need between them intensified.

  They hurried, their tender kiss transforming into something urgent and demanding. She jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist, burying her hands in his hair as he held her steady and strode towards her bedroom. As he did, the sane part of her mind began to compartmentalise.

  I’ll put this moment here. I’ll deal with this later. I’ll make sense of this another time.

  Right now, she could only give in to it, nothing more.

  He dropped her down onto her bed, their kisses eager, hungry, as they tugged at clothing, wanting to be free of their constraints. Wanting skin on skin.

  His mouth moved to her neck with expert skill, his tongue circling, and teeth nipping at her skin. Her groans of pleasure encouraged him on as he found the soft curve of her breast, the smooth skin of her stomach and lower still to her soft warmth. He lingered; tasting her, teasing her, killing her softly, because she was sure she’d die from the sensation. She arched her back, yearning, offering herself to him and let her eyes close, to become lost in the moment and the soft scent of his cologne. It wasn’t love, she knew that, but it was a need, and one that refused to be ignored.