When I Know Your Name

by Gemma M. Lawrence

  ‘I know everything about you,’ he said, his eyes never leaving hers. ‘And yes, I know all about Adam.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said, her voice wavering. ‘So you understand what I have to do.’

  He moved closer to her and rested his arms on her chair, hemming her in, for her full attention. ‘Elena, you know I’m not playing around here, and that means not sharing you with anyone – least of all city boy – so the sooner you deal with him, the better.’

  She stared at him, her heart pumping in her chest. ‘So will you let me deal with it?’ she asked. ‘Or do you think I would run the moment I’m apart from you?’

  His eyes lingered on her for a moment as his lips curved into a dangerous smile. ‘Do you want to run, Elena?’ he asked, his arms still firm against her chair, not letting her move. Only he would decide when she could do that.

  She shook her head. ‘No. Not today.’

  ‘Then I’ll let you deal with it. I’m no longer your captor.’

  She smirked. ‘Oh, really?’

  ‘Yes, really,’ he said as he took her chin and pulled her in for a kiss.

  ***

  Elena stood at the gate of her parents’ house. She hesitated, willing herself to keep going as the first distant rumbles of thunder rolled through the sky. The sound of it raised a question in her mind: did she believe in omens?

  She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous about climbing the eight steps up to the large black door, but something made her delay. Everything around her was familiar, but it felt a lifetime ago that she had seen her parents here, a time when she was a completely different person. How would they react to this stranger on their doorstep, and what would she say to them? This was the place her mother had uprooted the family to when Elena was six years old, from their four-bedroomed apartment in Chelsea that began as the marital home. Elena understood what pulled her mother to this house, an impressive stucco-fronted villa with columned porch and huge sash windows, its family-sized garden backing on to the beautiful Holland Park – once grounds to the magnificent but now ruined Holland House. Her mother had decided that this would be the place to raise their children, after falling in love with it when visiting a friend nearby. And it had been Elena’s home, to come and go as she pleased. Only today she didn’t feel comfortable enough to use her key. She didn’t want to barge into their space, so she knocked and waited as her heart hammered. She turned to Ethan, and he smiled at her as he waited in his car, making sure she was safe inside before he would drive away, as agreed.

  Her mother opened the door, and when they made eye contact, Elena took in the quick succession of expressions; from casual indifference to sudden recognition to final emotional realisation that her daughter was now here.

  ‘Elena, you’ve come. Finally,’ she said. ‘Your father said you’d called, but we didn’t for a minute imagine you’d come.’

  Even now, there was no mistaking the tone of criticism in the statement.

  Finally. Well done, Elena. You’ve finally managed to see your parents, managed to put other people first before yourself.

  It made her bristle and suddenly reluctant to step over the threshold, but her mother took care of that by reaching out and taking her by the elbow, pulling Elena towards her.

  ‘Oh, Elena,’ she said, a little softer this time, perhaps aware of how she may have sounded. ‘Come in.’

  She couldn’t hug her mother, not yet, so they stood awkwardly for a moment, and when it was clear there was to be no happy reunion, her mother smiled formally and spoke. ‘Your father’s in his study. We can go together. He has been waiting every day for you to call or visit.’

  ‘Well, I’m here now, Mother, let’s just leave it at that,’ Elena said, wanting to explode.

  Two minutes. I’ve been here two minutes.

  They walked towards her father’s study in a silence only broken by the sound of her mother knocking on the door. ‘Charles, Elena is here.’

  ‘Come in,’ came the reply. It was the same voice that had been at the end of the phone held to her ear on that fateful day, just to prove she was alive. His voice was high, surprised, as it was then.

  Her mother opened the door and walked into the oak-panelled room with Elena following behind, feeling like the schoolgirl sent to the headmaster’s office for some minor misbehaviour.

  The thunder was louder now, almost overhead, a cacophony of rolling booms that made the windows rattle.

  ‘Elena,’ he said as she walked further into the room. He wasted no time in embracing her.

  She needed to hug him too, for appearances mainly, but somewhere deep inside there was still the need to be close to him, her father, despite the betrayal. They stood like this for several seconds until she broke away. He gestured for her to sit on the sofa while he sat in the armchair opposite, glancing at her mother. The rain that now fell lashed against the ground outside, drowning out the awkward silence.

  ‘Elena, would you like some tea?’ her mother asked, clearly obeying an unspoken order to leave them alone.

  Elena knew the score, having been on the receiving end of many of her father’s unspoken orders over the years. ‘Yes, that would be very nice.’

  Her mother nodded and left the room.

  ‘Where’s Milo these days?’ Elena asked, aware that this needed to begin somewhere. ‘I haven’t heard from him.’

  ‘He’s been away on business for the past two months,’ her father replied. ‘And you know what he’s like. He can’t do sentiment and probably doesn’t know what to say to you. We all know he’s terrible with emotions.’

  ‘Yes, I do know, Dad, but a text would have been nice.’

  ‘Give him time.’

  She nodded. More silence. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,’ she said and stopped. These were meaningless words, and she immediately regretted speaking them. She wasn’t sorry. She didn’t want to be passive or to justify her actions, she wanted her father to justify his own.

  ‘I didn’t expect it, Elena,’ he said. ‘Our family has been so fractured by this event that I would not have been surprised if I never saw you again. I was coming to accept it, sadly.’

  She looked at him. His words were so concise and said in such a way that it was as if he had spoken them many times in his head, ready for this day. Rehearsed.

  More thunder sounded overhead, matching her mood perfectly. Her father stood and went to the mantelpiece, hitting the switch for the wall lights above, flooding the room with a warm glow.

  ‘It was a terrible moment when it backfired as it did, believe me.’

  ‘Backfired?’ she snapped, her calm façade ebbing away. ‘You make it sound like you had no choice, but paying the ransom was the only option to keep me safe, and you chose otherwise. That’s the only reason it backfired.’

  His eyes widened in surprise. Had he not expected her to react so passionately so quickly? She couldn’t be sure, but one thing she was sure of was that this version of Elena was one he didn’t know.

  Her mother returned with a tray of tea and biscuits, halting their conversation.

  She placed the tray down but remained standing, perhaps sensing the tension in the room. ‘I’ll leave you two to talk. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.’ She glanced at them both and left the room.

  Her father waited for the door to close before he continued. ‘I appreciate you’re angry, and I understand that.’ He sat back in his armchair. ‘But when you consider things rationally, especially after the event, things are very black and white. You must realise that we had to take time, be sure that paying the ransom was the best option. For you too.’

  ‘Cut the bullshit, Dad,’ she said as heat glowed in her face. ‘I’m not one of your clients now. Don’t talk as if I couldn’t possibly understand the implications. I was there, right at the centre. It was my life you were playing with.’ She paused, composed herself. ‘There was only one option, just one. You paid the ransom. If you were told that I would be hurt or killed unless you p
ay, then you pay. There’s no negotiating with that.’

  ‘If you need someone to blame, then–’

  ‘You have no idea what I need,’ she said defiantly. ‘Let’s be perfectly clear on that. But yes, maybe I do need someone to blame, and you’re certainly not immune from that. You made a choice, and as choices go, it was spectacularly bad.’

  He leant forwards. ‘Do you think it was easy for me? Do you?’ he said with an anger of his own. ‘I had everyone giving me advice. The police. Edmond. Your mother was falling apart and was incapable of thinking of anything other than getting you back, and believe me, Elena, there was nothing I wanted more myself, but…’ He stopped, paused, and pulled back his composure.

  ‘But what?’

  ‘It… it was something Edmond said.’

  A small seed of unease began to take root in her mind. Why would Edmond want to influence her father’s decision?

  ‘What happened, Dad?’ she demanded, impatient now.

  He looked straight at her. ‘He asked what would happen if we paid the money and they killed you regardless, if they hadn’t already. He suggested that maybe it would be good to delay, perhaps call their bluff. At least make it more difficult than they were expecting.’

  ‘And you listened to him?’ she cried. ‘You took his advice over the police? You didn’t consider the danger that decision would place me in?’

  ‘I’m not perfect, Elena, I wasn’t thinking straight.’

  He glanced away from her now, perhaps guilt preventing him from looking her in the eye.

  ‘Yes, you were wrong, and it was incredibly reckless,’ she said, not finished yet. ‘I’m not sure what you hoped to achieve by doing it.’

  He nodded.

  ‘I would have died, Dad. You know that, don’t you? He attacked me. He’d have killed me. He–’ She trailed off, stopping herself from continuing. She should continue, she knew that. She should share more. She should let her father, the man who let her down so badly, know how it was for her – the never-ending fear and terror – but she held it back. She couldn’t trust what that would unleash.

  ‘What, Elena?’ her father asked, catching her eye. ‘What happened to you while you were there?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter now,’ she said, faltering, her voice cracking. ‘I don’t want to discuss it. I may never want to discuss it, I don’t know.’

  After a moment, he spoke. ‘If you need to hear that I’m sorry, in order to recover, then–’

  ‘Are you sorry?’ she asked.

  ‘Of course I am. I never wanted you to be hurt… or worse.’

  She nodded and stared out of the window as she considered it. This is what she came for, what she wanted from him, but somehow it didn’t alter how she felt, deep inside. ‘It’s such a small word, isn’t it. Sorry. Five little letters. Can it repair the damage though? Can it do that? I’m not sure. Such a big task for five little letters.’ She looked at him again. ‘If only it was that simple.’

  He sighed. ‘If you want to punish me, go ahead. It’s no more than I deserve, but you have to ask yourself, will it help?’

  ‘I don’t know that either. I feel like I’m swimming against the tide, unable to be sure of anything anymore.’ Sadness replaced the fire in her. ‘I understand the situation we’re in. Your wealth means that we’re exposed to a risk that others aren’t. I get it. The thought of them getting your money repulsed me, but I needed to survive, and I needed you to help me. But you left me alone in there when I needed you most,’ she whispered. ‘I was all alone.’

  She tried to read his expression. Perhaps he was beginning to understand, perhaps not, but she was growing tired, having been through so much.

  ‘And when I found out you refused their demands, something was ripped out of me, something I can’t get back.’

  ‘Elena.’

  His reaction halted her and within a second, she realised she didn’t want this new burden of guilt. His guilt. It was additional baggage that she did not need. She pulled herself together. ‘It’s okay, Dad. You don’t have to look at me like that. I’m here. I got out alive in the end.’

  He nodded, stood and walked to the window, his hands behind his back. ‘Well, now, we must move on. For us and the good of the family.’

  ‘Oh yes, for the good of the precious family,’ she muttered. ‘We mustn’t tarnish the gilded cage.’

  He turned and stared her down. ‘Elena, you may feel it’s acceptable to back-chat your parents – your mother shared how you spoke to her at the hospital – but I don’t care for this new attitude of yours, so please find a way to curtail it in future. We will find a way, and you will contribute. Am I making myself clear?’

  ‘Yes,’ she snapped. ‘Perfectly.’ She was being told how it was going to be, but for now, she didn’t have the energy to fight him any longer. She also realised that, despite everything, there would be no embrace, no affection to heal the wounds. Nothing.

  ‘I appreciate you coming today, but I think we’ve discussed enough of this for now,’ he said, breaking the silence between them. ‘But now that you are here, your mother will want to spend some time with you too. We shouldn’t deny her that.’ He walked to the door and opened it. ‘You’ll stay for something to eat, yes?’

  Reluctance made her stomach sink. ‘Well, I–’

  ‘Is it too much to ask that you spend some time with your parents after ignoring them for so long?’

  ‘Excellent,’ she muttered through gritted teeth as she rose from her chair.

  Chapter 20

  After an hour of stilted small talk over a light lunch that Elena barely touched, she was ready to leave. To get out into the air and away from this strange atmosphere.

  ‘Another drink?’ her mother asked as they finished up.

  ‘Thanks, but no. I really should get going,’ Elena said as she pulled her phone from her bag. One message, from Ethan, telling her that he was outside.

  Once at the front door, her mother reached out for Elena and hugged her tight. There was warmth in it, and Elena felt compelled to hug her back.

  ‘That reminds me.’ her father said. ‘I had a call from Charlotte the other day. She couldn’t reach you.’

  She recognised his expression. His ‘stare-until-you-give-up-the-truth’ look. ‘Did she? I don’t know why.’

  ‘Yes, I thought that was odd,’ he said. ‘You two are never normally out of touch. What are you doing with your time these days?’

  She smiled. ‘Just what exactly do you think I’d be doing with my time?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘I’ve been at home, of course. Where else would I be? I must have missed her call, that’s all.’

  Oh yes, daddy dear. You can’t reach me now.

  He nodded, with a hint of irritation that this was all he was going to get. He didn’t believe her, but she was confident that the last place he’d have guessed she had been was with the man who had held her in captivity for all those days. She was safe enough.

  ‘I’m glad you came, Elena, that you gave your father the opportunity to explain,’ her mother said, breaking the moment. She gave Elena another hug.

  Elena smiled. ‘Yes, well, I’d better get going now.’

  ‘Your mother’s right. Thank you for coming to see us,’ her father said as he opened the door.

  He reached out to hug her too before she had the opportunity to stop him, but it was awkward and clunky; her cheek hitting his shoulder as he clumsily pulled her towards him.

  ‘I’ll see you soon,’ she said as she walked out of the door and down the steps, listening to the door closing behind her.

  The rain had stopped, and the cooled, refreshed air filled her lungs. Everywhere was wet, washed and invigorated by the storm. Little droplets of water fell from rain-soaked leaves, as the emerging sun shone against wet ground.

  She’d done it. She’d faced her parents. It hadn’t been a great success, but that was to be expected. She’d worry about what happened next anoth
er time. For now, she was glad to be free. She looked up at the sky and saw little blue flecks that were starting to emerge from the steel-grey cloud. The thunder had faded into the distance, soon to be gone.

  Looking out onto the street she saw Ethan, waiting in his car, a few strides away. There was nothing suspicious about this scene, nothing that exposed who he was and what he did. He was hidden in plain sight. Anyone could walk straight past him and never know the devastating consequences of making his acquaintance. But she knew who he was, and what he was capable of, and at the centre of it all, she was his main concern. She liked that fact a lot.

  She pulled open the door. ‘Thank God that’s over. Please just take me away from here. Mine or yours, I don’t care.’

  ***

  ‘And he didn’t apologise to you,’ Ethan said as he pulled into the underground car park beneath his apartment. ‘Nothing at all?’

  ‘Nope,’ Elena replied. ‘Not a genuine one, anyway. I stupidly expected at least some attempt at remorse, but there was nothing. He seemed more frustrated that he doesn’t know exactly how I’m spending my time, rather than how sorry he should be.’

  ‘He’s struggling to work you out,’ Ethan said as he parked the car. ‘I think you were probably an open book before the abduction, and now he doesn’t know you. He’s losing control, and that’s making him panic.’ He switched off the engine and glanced at Elena. ‘But if you want more answers, you know what we need to do.’

  Elena opened the door. ‘Really, Ethan?’ she said, exasperated. ‘You want to include my parents? Already?’

  He shrugged. ‘You know I do.’

  She couldn’t find the words to answer as they made their way to Ethan’s apartment, and once inside, she headed straight for the balcony and pushed open the doors, needing the air. The afternoon sun was still high, the sky an unbroken blue. Any trace of the earlier storm had evaporated into the air.

  She listened to the sound of water lapping at the small shingle bank below, its rhythmic sounds soothing her as she watched boats chug down the river, their destinations unknown. Leaning against the railings, she tipped her face up towards the sun and allowed herself to calm. Ethan had disappeared to his office, and that was fine with her too. Right now, she didn’t want to know what the next phase of his game would be, especially if it involved her parents. That might be too much to bear and it made her play the conversation between herself and her father over and over in her mind, unpicking every word, looking for hidden meanings.