When I Know Your Name

by Gemma M. Lawrence

  She made her way to the bank of lifts and pressed the button, playing Ethan’s self-defence tips over in her mind. Stay aware. Target vulnerable areas on the body. Punch, fight and get away.

  ‘I can do this,’ she whispered to herself, an attempt to calm her nerves. ‘It’s Adam. It’s only Adam.’

  The ascent to the eighteenth floor was rapid and pinged her arrival, the doors opening out into a corridor filled with natural light, flanked by windows at each end. As she made her way to Adam’s apartment, a sense of foreboding scratched at her consciousness. She rang the buzzer, keen to get this over with.

  He opened the door. ‘Elena,’ he said in a stilted tone.

  Saying no more, he stepped back, allowing Elena to enter. He walked down the hallway and she followed behind, leaving the door ajar.

  His living room was as bright as usual, the floor to ceiling glass letting in all the sunshine and offering a grand view of Canary Wharf. It was a familiar view, one that she had witnessed in each passing season. She had often sat here waiting for Adam when he had ‘just one more email to send.’ Night time was her favourite; the twinkling lights from other buildings, street lights and the mood lighting from the bars and restaurants below, all reflected in the rippling water of the river.

  The apartment, as always, was tidy, which was easy to achieve with its minimal decoration. Only when Elena stayed did it seem to clutter up. The kitchen to her left, its black gloss units immaculate and smear free, was empty of activity. There would be no offer of refreshment from Adam today, but she was far from thirsty anyway.

  She stared at the large abstract artwork, which looked like a cow dancing, above the small square LED fireplace to her right, unsure of where to begin.

  ‘I guess you’re not here to talk about the weather,’ he said as he glanced out of the window. He was dressed in a black short-sleeved shirt, a couple of buttons left open at the neck, and linen trousers, his feet bare. It was a long time since Elena had seen him look so informal. Dressed like that, she remembered the early days and what had attracted her in the first place, even though it no longer affected her. But she was suddenly sad that things had deteriorated so badly, that it was unlikely that they could even be friends now.

  She glanced at his open laptop on the glass table in the kitchen that quietly beeped its notifications, as if aware of the tense conditions it found itself working in.

  ‘I’ve come to talk about us.’

  ‘Us?’ He snorted a small bitter laugh. ‘Surely there is no ‘us’ anymore? People need to speak to one another to be an ‘us’.’ He didn’t shout, but the venom was clear.

  She flinched, not expecting the conversation to start with such bitterness.

  He sighed. ‘Come and sit down. I don’t bite,’ he said as he moved to the large L-shaped taupe leather sofa in the middle of the room, next to a glass-topped coffee table. He sat and hooked a leg under the other, resting his right arm across the back of the sofa. She crossed the room and joined him, sitting far enough away from the potential embrace of his arm, tucking her hair behind her ear.

  ‘Two years, eh?’ he said. ‘And what did we get out of it? Apparently, nothing.’

  ‘Adam, it’s not like that. It wasn’t all bad, I realise that, but there’s no denying how distant we had become.’ She shrugged. ‘And I think we have to face the facts that sometimes, it just doesn’t work out.’

  ‘It could have.’

  ‘Do you truly believe that?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes, I do. We were happy.’

  She bristled at his version of events. ‘Were we though, Adam? I mean really?’

  ‘Things were fine,’ he snapped.

  ‘Well, you carry on creating a history that isn’t true, but I don’t agree,’ she said, in no mood to be manipulated.

  ‘We were perfectly fine before your “ordeal”.’ He made little quotation marks, trivialising all that it meant. ‘But you’re a little mouse, aren’t you, and instead of confronting it head-on, you’re using it as an excuse to end our relationship.’

  Anger rose in her like heat and soon replaced any concern for his feelings. If he wanted a fight, he was going to get one. ‘I’m not using anything as an excuse. It suits you to play the victim here, but don’t think I don’t know how you were considering ending things between us. I know about your conversation with Charlotte.’

  He rolled his eyes. ‘I should have known that would’ve got back to you.’

  ‘Whatever, but I’m certainly seeing things clearer now, so thank you for that,’ she snapped. ‘Thank you also for enlightening me on what you really think I’ve been through. It just proves my point that you don’t know or understand me at all. And if we’re going to throw character assassinations into the mix, here’s mine. If you weren’t so busy with work, you would have taken the time to understand what I have been through, and would have taken the time to talk it through with me. But no, workaholic Adam is too busy for that.’

  ‘Ah, so the true colours are coming out now, eh?’ he said, his anger rising to match hers. ‘I tried to talk it through, but you pushed me away.’

  ‘Seriously?’ she asked. ‘That was a token effort, and you know it. You never really took the time to discuss how I felt, or what I’d been through. You just wanted me to snap back to the old Elena; pick up where we left off, while you continued to work 17 hours a day.’

  ‘So I work hard for a living. Shoot me.’

  ‘Oh, but that only happens to me, remember, Adam? But, oh no, wait,’ she said as she held her hand over her mouth in mock realisation. ‘Maybe not, because you still have no idea of the “ordeal” I suffered,’ she said, making sure to use her own air quotation marks.

  ‘It’s always been this way, and I’ve never heard you complain about the benefits before,’ he snapped.

  ‘No, maybe not, and that’s my mistake, but there’s one thing I know and it’s that this life is not enough.’

  ‘Oh, I see. It’s not enough,’ he said as if it was all becoming clear. ‘Well, what the fuck do you want, Elena? The fucking moon?’ He threw up his hand and let it slap down against his side, his eyes bright, cold, and full of anger. ‘Well, fine, if that’s what you want, go. Leave me.’ He waved his hand. ‘Have a nice life. There. Is that what you want, for me to make this easy for you?’

  ‘No, of course not,’ she said, trying to calm the conversation. ‘You’re obviously hurt and angry, and I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t flatter yourself,’ he snapped. ‘I’m the one who’s sorry. Sorry that I wasted so much time and effort on you. Someone with the world at their feet but with too many daddy issues to appreciate it.’

  She was done. ‘That’s enough, Adam; enough of you talking to me like that. Who do you think you are? I didn’t have to come here today, I was trying to be civilised about this, but it’s clear you’re not interested in ending things amicably, you just want to score points. That’s what you care about. Well, fine. Have it your way.’

  He smiled sarcastically. ‘Well, well, well. Seems like this mouse has found her teeth.’

  ‘Shut up, Adam,’ she snapped, her voice hoarse from shouting.

  Cold, snide laughter fell from his mouth.

  ‘Oh, forget it. You’re just not worth it.’ She stood and hooked the strap of her bag over her shoulder. ‘You know what, there’s no love lost here, if there ever was. This is about the fact that I ended it before you did, and you don’t like it, do you? You can’t bear me having one up on you.’

  ‘I don’t care what you do, Elena.’

  ‘No, and that’s abundantly clear, again. As it has always been.’

  She could feel his anger. A visceral force of hurt pride. She knew the line between love and hate was thin, but she realised if he ever did love her, he flipped over that line remarkably quickly.

  He huffed a response, looking uninterested, as he always did on a subject he didn’t agree with.

  A lump formed in her throat and she needed a moment to control her
breathing. She’d be damned if she would let him see her cry.

  The temporary respite from their exchange of words perhaps gave him time to consider things too. He stood, his face calmer, the anger now replaced with a reluctant acceptance. ‘Look, I’m sorry. We shouldn’t fight.’ He shrugged. ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe we weren’t the right fit. But we tried. I guess we should be thankful for that.’

  ‘We should,’ she said, calmer now too. ‘And I don’t want us to part as enemies.’

  ‘You’re right, we should part on good terms, at least.’ He smiled and brushed his thumb over her cheek. ‘Are you sure about this, Elena? Is this really what you want?’ he asked, in a moment of sincerity.

  She nodded. ‘Yes, it is. I’m sorry.’

  He nodded too and gazed at her for a moment. ‘What we could have been, eh?’ he mused. ‘I hope you find someone to meet your lofty expectations. I know I couldn’t do it.’

  She firmly removed his hand. She had no time for his games. ‘I suppose this is it then, Adam.’

  ‘I suppose it is.’

  She exhaled. ‘Well, I guess I should collect my stuff. Maybe you could grab the gold bracelet I left here?’

  ‘Really?’ he said, checking his watch, all signs of patience disappearing. ‘You want me to get it now?’

  ‘Well, yes. It makes sense while I’m here. Surely you can grab it for me?’

  ‘Can’t I just get Jill in the office to courier it to you?’ he asked, irritated now.

  ‘It was a gift from my father, so I’d rather take it back with me now, thanks. You know what he’s like about gifts.’

  ‘Well, do you know where it is?’ he asked.

  ‘In your bedroom perhaps, or maybe the bathroom. I can’t remember.’

  ‘For Christ’s sake,’ he muttered as he walked towards his bedroom.

  As he did, she reached to pull the flashdrive out from her pocket and moved quickly to the laptop. She pushed it into the port and after a few clicks of the mouse, let it do its thing. With her heart thundering, she stood in front of it, blocking it from view.

  ‘Where exactly do you think you put it?’ he shouted from the other room, still clearly put out at this inconvenience.

  ‘I’m not sure. Maybe by your bed or on your chest of drawers,’ she called out, knowing he would have no idea that she didn’t even own such an item. He took no more notice of her and what she wore than he did the stars in the night sky.

  She listened to him fumble about, pulling open drawers and moving ornaments, cursing under his breath. Glancing at the stick, she watched the erratic flicker of its little red light, the only indication that it was busy infecting the hard drive.

  ‘Come on, come on,’ she whispered and waited a moment more, her eyes darting between the laptop and the doorway to his bedroom. He said something undecipherable as she stared at the stick, willing it to hurry, sweat beading on her forehead at the prospect of being caught. Feeling that time had temporarily suspended itself, the last tab on the screen finally closed. Search complete. She yanked the stick free and plunged it back into her pocket.

  ‘Look, don’t worry,’ she said as he strode back into the room. ‘I guess I must have taken it home after all.’ She smiled and shrugged. ‘Nothing more final than collecting those last items from each other’s homes.’

  ‘I guess not,’ he said as he made his way back to her.

  ‘So, this is goodbye then,’ she said, desperate to leave.

  ‘Yes, it is.’

  Close now, he looked down at her, a dullness in his eyes. It was the final moment of their chapter, and it was coming to an end. He reached out and they hugged awkwardly.

  ‘Goodbye, Adam,’ she said, pulling away first.

  ‘Goodbye, Elena.’

  She turned to go, and glanced over her shoulder to see him standing in the middle of the room, watching her leave. She shut the door to his apartment and leant against it for a moment, breathing a long sigh of relief.

  It was over. It was done.

  Her hands trembled as she pushed the button for the lift, adrenaline surging at what had happened. She wanted to be with Ethan again, and the thought of him waiting for her made her hurry.

  Leaving the building, she checked over her shoulder and scanned her surroundings as she made her way to Ethan’s car.

  ‘So?’ he asked as she climbed in. ‘How did it go?’

  ‘It was not pleasant,’ she said as she closed the door. ‘He was angry.’

  ‘He’ll get over it,’ Ethan said, dispassionately.

  She nodded, knowing a sympathetic viewpoint on this subject would be something Ethan couldn’t provide. She looked back at the block of apartments that were already disappearing from view as Ethan drove away.

  ‘Did you manage to get what you needed on the stick?’

  ‘I did, but there’s no threat there, Ethan. I really believe that.’

  ‘Let’s wait for the data to prove it.’

  She sat back in the chair. ‘I suppose, but Adam is Adam and yes, he was angry, but only because I ended the relationship before he had. He doesn’t like to be outwitted, that’s all. But I’m sure he’ll soon find a pretty little thing to hang on his arm and enjoy the lifestyle he has to offer, no questions asked. After his wounded pride heals, he’ll soon be back in the game.’

  ‘And did you enjoy the thrill of our little game?’ he asked.

  She smiled. ‘I’m not sure my heart can take that kind of adrenaline again soon.’

  ‘Of course it can. You’re stronger than you think.’

  She stared out of the window and considered his statement. Strong was not an emotion she was familiar with right now. It was something else. Something she couldn’t define.

  Chapter 22

  The radio played softly through Elena’s kitchen as she popped the tops off two bottles of beer. Screams of delight erupted from a caller who had just won a coveted prize, but she missed what it was.

  ‘Must be the cash prize,’ she murmured to herself after a mouthful of cold beer. ‘No one screams like that for a household appliance, that’s for sure.’

  The entry door buzzer sounded so she carried the beers through to her living room, placed them on her table, and answered the phone. ‘Hello.’

  ‘Your pizza delivery, madam.’

  ‘Great, come on up,’ she said as she hit the button and moved out onto the landing.

  Ethan climbed the stairs holding two boxes of pizza and winked at her as he strode into her apartment and placed the boxes on her table, next to the beers.

  She followed and opened up the boxes, taking in the cheesy, doughy aroma. ‘Hmm, delicious.’

  ‘So, how did it go with Charlotte?’ he asked as he grabbed a beer.

  She had been hungry and ready to devour the pizza, but his question made her abandon the slice in her hand, plonking it back in the box, no more able to eat it than down a box of nails.

  ‘It was fine,’ she said, taking a seat, opting for her beer instead.

  She thought back to their catch-up. The afternoon they’d spent together was almost like old times; familiar and relaxed. They’d connected with Abigail and Louise on a group call, and managed to easily lose a couple of hours chatting and laughing together. It was good, just what she needed, and probably long overdue. Nothing was more soothing to her than getting lost in the detail of other people’s lives. She was glad to have the distraction and managed to close her mind off from the suspicion, searches, and flashdrives, and just enjoy the company of her friends. It was only when it was time to leave that Elena snapped back to the present and the tasks that lay ahead of her.

  He took a bite of the slice of pizza in his hand as he grabbed the chair beside her and sat. ‘You know, when all of this is over and we find the person responsible, things can get back to normal.’

  ‘Normal?’ She raised a brow. ‘Things will never be normal again, but I know what you mean.’

  ‘And did you change your mind about the flashdrive?’r />
  ‘Nope. I still feel the same way,’ she said, picking at the label of her beer with a fingernail. ‘I won’t do it.’

  He looked at her. ‘I see.’

  She’d had all the opportunity to use the flashdrive during her visit, but none of the desire. There had been a moment when Charlotte was on a call to Jake, but it meant nothing. She was adamant that she would not betray her close friend, so the stick remained buried in her pocket, where Ethan had tucked it, for the duration of the visit.

  He wiped his fingers on the serviette and pointed to the remaining slices. ‘You need to eat those.’

  She nodded, and reached for a slice, forcing down the doughy pizza with occasional mouthfuls of beer.

  ‘That’s better,’ he said as he picked up his own beer and drank.

  ‘Did you find anything from Adam’s laptop?’ she asked as she packed up the empty boxes.

  ‘He runs a pretty tight ship there. I couldn’t find anything of significance. It was very sterile.’

  Elena smirked. ‘Sterile is a good word. That’s exactly how he likes to live.’

  ‘Was he always so meticulous with his housekeeping?’

  ‘Yes, with everything. His home, his work. There is no place for disorder anywhere in his world. He’s on a ladder to the top, and nothing will get in the way of that.’

  ‘He sounds like a right bundle of laughs.’

  ‘Hmm, yes, some may call him anally retentive.’

  Ethan laughed and drank some more. She liked the sound of it and the effect the beer was having on her mind – a haze, blurring the edges of her life.

  She continued. ‘And I didn’t realise just how different we really are until, well, you know.’

  He nodded. ‘Yes, I do, and I’m glad to hear it,’ he said as he went to the kitchen and popped the cap off another beer. ‘He has folders for everything. Very thorough. Everything initialled and bookmarked,’ he said as he came back into the room and handed her another beer. ‘He even had you in there.’