Past Lives

by Kirsten Bij't Vuur

  The reply to his question amazed him, for John said: 'Please don't tell anyone, Lukas, but I can still detach anything I want. I choose not to, for I deserved everything I got, and I'm going to suffer every last minute of it. If it becomes bothersome to have me in fear or needy, please let me know, I'll take measures. I don't want to be a burden on you, and especially not on Melissa.'

  Was that a judgement on him? Lukas wondered if he had really been trying to restrict Melissa, whether he had been overprotective. It was just so hard to see her tired all the time, trying to keep up the pace of her normal life whilst harbouring a new life inside her. It was as if all her fears about being pregnant had come true after all, and Lukas had done it to her with his overwhelming wish to have a child.

  'Do you think we're overprotective then?' he asked John.

  'I've only seen you for a day, dear friend, how could I have seen enough to have an opinion on that?' John replied, 'I have seen both of you refrain from being protective, even though she was feeling the strain visibly. I think you did well so far, you let her find out for herself where her limits lie.

  But now she has admitted she went too far, you both need to take care you don't rub that in and try to take everything she values away to protect her.

  Respect her, she's a fabulous woman who can still take excellent care of herself.'

  Lukas nodded, and said: 'Thank you, old friend, I think you have seen it right, though you have known her just a day.

  How was Frances?'

  'She is the sweetest woman alive, I'm so glad she is willing to indulge me.

  There is nothing I needed so badly as a bit of love, and she gave it all. I'm sorry for her she has no love in her marriage.'

  Lukas said, a bit distressed: 'She knew before she got married that George was not a ladies'-man. Should I stop seeing him then? I don't know if I can, he means so much to me.'

  'That wouldn't help her one bit, for he would not turn to her, since he doesn't fancy women. But fate willing, I'll make her happy for some time, yet, I'd like to return to Hailee some time, raise a few children together, maybe have our own vineyard. But until then, or until I am certain I can never go back and build up a life of my own here, with a woman of my own, I will do my very best to make her happy by making love to her. For George seems to be a really good husband otherwise.'

  'He is, and he is a very sweet and caring lover, he just doesn't fancy women, as you and Paul don't fancy men.'

  'But you do love him, don't you?' John asked Lukas intensely.

  'I do, John, when I threatened you with torture to find out where he was I was not exaggerating. You know I have the reputation of being benign and good. I would have tortured you without remorse to get it out of you. I

  watched Rhoda's punishment to ease the burning feeling inside me after having spent an hour healing the sickening hurts she inflicted on him. And it didn't help, it still burned me, and I didn't want to detach it for fear of losing my humanity. Paul doesn't remember very well, I took his trauma away. I remember every second of it.

  But enough bad memories, you must be tired, let's go home.'

  'Lukas?' Suddenly John's voice was different, choked with emotion. He pedalled on, but Lukas could see his eyes were moist, and his gaunt face apprehensive.

  'What is it, dear friend?' he replied gently, realizing something profound was coming.

  'Lykos, despite what I did to you, what I cost you.' John swallowed, this was very hard to ask. 'Despite me being a ladies'-man, would you make love to me? Just once? Because I have wanted to since I got to know you, because I love you as I'll never love anyone else?'

  Lukas stopped his bicycle instantly, and John felt true fear, fear he had gone too far this time, had asked too much.

  He stopped his bicycle too, falling in the process. Fortunately there was no-one else on the road, a miracle in overpopulated London, but these were the outskirts where not many came.

  As he struggled up, getting his one foot caught under the vehicle, afraid to damage the expensive thing, he felt a pair of hands steadying his shoulders to prevent him from falling, then helping him get free of the bicycle.

  He turned around to face his beloved friend, still very much afraid to have dealt their friendship its final, deadly blow, and found himself caught in a tight grip, Lukas was very strong indeed.

  With a weird detachment, he noticed his fear didn't rise, apparently he trusted Lukas with his life, and he hoped this was not the end of that trust.

  A hand took him by the back of the neck, tilted his face up, forced him once again to look straight at Lukas' cute face, now not cute at all, but on fire.

  On fire? Could that be the sweet truth?

  Lukas did not speak, but kissed him ardently, greedily, and John soon found the courage and the heat to answer it alike, smelling that enticing scent of musk through all the layers of clothing on him, feeling his knees weaken.

  That caused Lukas to break off the kiss in alarm, he feared to have smothered his weakened friend, but fortunately John was just overwhelmed,

  and in Lukas' strong grip he soon came to life again, clinging to him in desperate hope.

  'Yes,' Lukas said in a decidedly husky voice. 'I do want to make love to you, at least once. I have always wanted it, even when I was nothing more to you than some kind of pet. I wanted to kiss you as I did just now, I wanted to stroke your gorgeous, big body.'

  'There is nothing left of that, I'm afraid,' John said with decided sadness,

  'and I'm sorry you realized I didn't respect you then as I should have. One more thing for you to forgive. But you know, Lukas, despite wanting this so badly, I will be desperately afraid the whole time.'

  'I'm not like those men who took you, John, I promise you I will respect you, as I have always respected Paul. There are many ways to love a man without crossing his boundaries, and I think I know most of them.

  Though Aphrodite showed me a new one that will just kill you. In a good way.

  But not tonight, you're tired, you need to sleep. And I think Paul and me need to listen to Melissa, or share thoughts. Ophelie never had such a hard time, though she had her emotions, but she didn't work herself into the ground either. Let's go home.'

  Chapter 29

  And it did happen as Lukas predicted. They had an early dinner, and after that John was desperately tired, so Lukas tucked him in nicely in the apartment, but with the clear permission to visit during the night.

  Lukas stayed with him until he slept, then went downstairs to their living-room, where Paul and Melissa were installed cosily on the sofa, but with just enough space for one skinny goat-man left beside her.

  'How come John is fast asleep, and you're wide awake, love?' Lukas asked.

  She replied: 'John went cycling with you, and I had the best of naps on this very sofa, in the arms of the very man you see on my other side. And, John is the thinnest man alive, whilst I'm a very healthy, well-fed woman.

  Can't compare. Too bad he'll be totally fine in a week or two of expert feeding, whilst I'm going to have two more months of this ahead of me, worse even, for I feel full to bursting already, but it is going to get much worse. I'm sorry I can't handle this as Ilsa does, just take it in stride.'

  But Paul was not going to just accept that: 'Ilsa has staff, love, she doesn't need to do anything except help George with the business a few hours a day.

  You work, do your share of the cleaning, get groceries, work magic on traumatized former gods, cope with two guys instead of one.

  I bet Ilsa snarls at Tristan too, when she's tired.'

  'I'm so sorry to put you through this, Melissa, it is so unfair that you have to bear the whole load,' Lukas said, 'why can't we just share it? We share everything.'

  'It's not that bad, love, I just need to be a little more flexible, allow myself a little lazy-time,' she replied, 'you know it is actually quite pleasant sometimes, to just sit and dream, feel the baby move. And you're so sweet, both of you, I just have to make a lot
more use of you instead of suffering you. Let you fetch and carry for me, let you spoil me.'

  Paul was very serious all of a sudden: 'I wish you would, beloved, I feel the same guilt as Lukas, why do you have to go through all this, why can't we

  share? I want to make it up to you, beg you to forgive me for doing this to you. Though it seems Lukas was the actual crook in this case.'

  He managed to make her smile.

  'Actually, it is resisting it that makes it hard to bear, truly. If you can both help me to take it as it comes, enjoy the laziness, make much of me, tell me I'm still beautiful and be sweet, those two months will be over before we know it.'

  'It will also be easier once the snow melts, don't you think?' Lukas asked,

  'then you can cycle again, and lie in the grass watching the clouds chase one another.'

  'So it's a deal, beloved, we do all the housework, and you do only what you like or what you are really needed for?' Paul asked, 'can I bring a lazy chair to the workshop, so you can watch us work and do a little filing or buffing or calculating?'

  'You can, dearest, but I think I'm going to ask my mother or one of my sisters to teach me to sew or knit anyway. Somehow I'd like to do something traditional as well. Maybe you can run over one morning, Lukas, and ask my mother to visit on a day off?'

  They both looked at her as if she was kidding them, but she really meant it. Somehow she felt it would be very calming to work on little clothes, and she was determined to at least try.

  Feeling the subject had been talked to a good conclusion, Lukas decided to stir things up a little by telling his lovers: 'When we were cycling just now, John practically begged me to make love to him.'

  The look of stunned incredulity on their faces was worth millions, and his face nearly split in his broadest smile, more of a laugh actually.

  Of course that got him the usual kisses, how was it that neither of them seemed to be able to resist kissing him when he smiled like that?

  'Man, you are cute, I can so understand him,' Paul observed with a fond smile, 'and what was your answer to that supplication of his?'

  'Yes, what did you say to him, Lukas?' Melissa wanted to know, too.

  'I stopped the bicycle in shock, and he fell off his. Then I took hold of him quite firmly, and he didn't flinch, and kissed him until his knees started to buckle under him.

  And then I told him yes, I'd make love to him. I've wanted to for years, and he had wanted to for years. Even if he saw me as a kind of pet at first.'

  'You knew? That must have upset him to hear.' Melissa was very sorry to

  hear that, too.

  'I knew, and I didn't mind, even then he loved me very much. He was kind to me always. But you are right, it upset him to hear me say it.

  Then he told me he would be desperately afraid all the time. That just about broke my heart. Why would he want me to love him if it frightened him?'

  'He won't be frightened of you, love, you're goodness itself, you'd never hurt him,' Paul objected, 'he wants you to love him because he loves you more than life itself. He was ready to let death take him as his rightful punishment for hurting you.'

  'I won't hurt him, I will love him until he begs me for release, and then I'll give him more. But I'll only give, not take, for that would make him fear me.'

  'When will you do it, Lukas? Before or after we give him his magic back?' asked Melissa.

  'I haven't thought about it, I thought I'd know when the time was there.'

  'You're right, you will. Well, good for you,' she said.

  That morning, Melissa awoke without a skinny shape in her arms, and she hoped John had slept through the night instead of lying awake, afraid but ashamed to look for comfort. But as she turned around to see Lukas watching her sleep, she realized he was not there, there was just Paul, fast asleep.

  And suddenly she knew where Lukas was, and why John wasn't here with them. She hoped Lukas would tell them what had happened.

  After some nice, lazy loving with Paul, they went down to get breakfast, and were soon joined by John. Just John. 'Wasn't Lukas with you this morning?' Melissa asked him.

  John looked at her with a dreamy expression, instantly confirming Lukas had been with him. He said: 'He didn't want to miss his morning run, said we'd have plenty of time together. I think I'm in love.'

  'Don't, John,' said Paul, 'don't fall in love with Lukas. He will not be claimed, he'll break your heart without meaning to. You know how he is.'

  'I know, but it feels so good now. Can I be in love with him for an hour?'

  'You can, but don't forget Frances because of him,' Melissa advised

  'I won't, I'm still a ladies'-man anyway. But he showed me things, to think I wanted to be the master of love. No more, I just want him.'

  'He didn't frighten you?' Paul asked, curiously, 'being rather, active?'

  'He wasn't, he was so sweet, and so patient, every time I felt fear he soothed me. It was as if he could read my feelings.'

  'He probably did, if you feel very strongly about something, he'll pick it up right through his shields,' said Paul.

  'Then he knows I'm in love with him, and have been for years and years.

  No matter, I want him to know. He'll forgive me.'

  But despite his mooning, John ate a very hearty breakfast, and when Lukas joined them soon after he didn't fall silent, but joined the conversation.

  They left for the Nomes' soon after, and since the thaw had set in and the snow was gone, they took the bicycles.

  Melissa was delighted to be moving again, she felt totally safe despite her belly, she was so used to cycling by now that potholes and puddles didn't bother her anymore.

  Once there, they sat beside John, Melissa ready to touch him, Paul and Lukas anchoring her. George and Tristan were there as well, and John didn't show the slightest fear of them. Melissa guessed Lukas had taken it from him.

  They all linked and went in, Melissa found John's mind as vast as she was used to with gods. Tristan led her to where the spell was, and it did indeed look like a big knot. It seemed as if it tangled all the flows of power together, keeping them from reaching the pockets where it was supposed to accumulate.

  Strangely enough, he seemed to have more worshippers on this world than Hermes had, or maybe it wasn't strange, with him being the god of feasting. And he was filled as far as he could be with love, but his pockets had been magically reduced so they could only hold a trickle of power.

  Zooming in, it was almost as if they had been sewn shut, very sloppily, but effectively. Tristan asked permission to act, and at their word, he removed the stitches one by one, very carefully.

  That took some time, for there were more pockets than just one.

  Then they moved their attention to the big knot, and Melissa zoomed in once more. It seemed as if the ends had been removed from the pockets where they had been attached, cauterized shut, then knotted together.

  They unravelled the knot first, and the lines automatically moved to their own pockets. Then Tristan invited Paul to weld the lines to the pockets, which he readily did, leaving the anchoring to Lukas. Melissa missed the green power diffusing into him, as she had seen it in Hermes, but since they had been interfering a lot already, and John had been without power for half a year, they decided it had been enough, they could check that out later. Let him get used to the amount of power he had, first.

  Back into the now, Melissa felt really tired, of course. This was working on the edge of what she could do, and that always very tiring. She sagged into Paul's arms, drank two cups of herb tea from the red jar, the tea that invigorated after overusing one's power, then started on a lovely cup of coffee, and a tiny slice of pie.

  Lukas and John helped themselves to the rest of the olives, John imploring Lukas to save the stones, and then everyone looked at John expectantly.

  He grinned and concentrated, lighting up a lot, then showed Frances a little seedling he had grown out of the pip of an apple that he had found in
his pie.

  Frances was delighted and scandalized, how did a pip get left in one of her pies, that was almost a disgrace. At the sight of her outraged face he relented and admitted he had saved the pip from an apple he had eaten earlier, to demonstrate the return of his powers to her especially.

  She hugged him, then abducted him to the greenhouse, to save the coffee seedlings first, and maybe recharge later?

  Tristan shook his head, he was a Victorian born and raised, and an open marriage was something he still wasn't used to. Though Melissa was certain Ilsa had shared her bed with Lukas even after she had promised herself to Tristan. Well, that wasn't her business, and for the better.

  Job done, Tristan thanked Melissa for the experience, and begged all of them to prepare for a testing soon, he was certain Lukas and Melissa would qualify for Master status by now, and Paul for Adept. But all three of them wanted to see the baby born first, and being in the same position, Tristan understood, though George said, rather patronizingly, that they'd better get it accomplished as long as they still had a little time to themselves. That would be over and done with soon.

  Being lazy made a big difference to Melissa, she was less tired, and still got some work done every day, an informal inspection, some calculations, some hard thinking on scientific subjects, though clear thinking was getting harder, too.

  And true to her spirit, Melissa did learn how to knit and sew, she made a whole stack of little garments. Somehow it quieted her to have her hands busy, and sitting still a lot of the time she felt the baby move a lot more, which convinced her she had done the right thing giving in.

  She did feel a bit self-conscious as she only watched the men practise sword-play, especially every other week when they practised with the doctor and his friends, and she sat at the side, knitting. That was just not her.

  But Adison sat beside her and observed: 'Your baby is much happier with you taking rest. You know I'm a doctor, and I've seen a lot of pregnant women, and though it is possible to just keep going as you used to do, it is much better to give yourself the repose, if you can afford it. No-one will think any less of you, it is hard work to make a new life.