Jacob Two-Two on the High Seas

by Cary Fagan

  “Villain, you say? I like the sound of that.”

  “Oh, put me in the book too!” cried Captain Sparkletooth. “I’m sure it would be greatly improved by your mentioning how handsome I am.”

  “I admit, it’s tempting,” said Crossbones. “But it’s not good enough. What we want is treasure. Real treasure. Otherwise we wouldn’t be pirates. We’d be like regular people, who take baths and drink capuccinos.”

  Mrs. Snootcastle sniffed. “I don’t know who has the treasure, but I know that person is certainly not someone with good breeding and manners. When I find out who it is, you can be sure that I will have nothing to do with that person again.”

  Tears welled up in Cindy’s eyes. Jacob felt sorry for his friend. And he thought that his father and the others had shown real courage. He wanted to help too, but he couldn’t think of anything.

  “I know what to do,” Crossbones sneered. “We’re going to have to resort to more drastic measures. Captain Sparkletooth, you are going to have to walk the plank!”

  “Oooohh,” said the pirates.

  Captain Sparkletooth’s eyes grew wide. His upper lip began to tremble. “Please no,” he pleaded. “Don’t make me walk the plank. Can’t you choose someone else, someone less handsome? I’m sure it would be much more effective if you chose someone people actually cared about. Then you’d find out who has the treasure!”

  “I’ve read a book about pirates,” said Noah. “They never really did make people walk the plank. It’s a myth.”

  “I don’t care if it’s a myth,” said Crossbones. “People expect it of us. But Captain Sparkletooth has a good point. Someone else would suit me better.” He paced back and forth. “I”ll just pick someone. Should I pick you? Or you? I know – I’ll pick you!”

  Crossbones swiveled on his boot heels and pointed a bony finger right at Jacob. “What is your name, boy?” he demanded.

  “It’s Jacob Two-Two. It’s Jacob Two-Two.”

  “You’re as bad as that revolting parrot, the way you repeat yourself. You will walk the plank.”

  His father stepped forward and put his arms around Jacob. “Leave my boy out of it. He’s only two plus two plus two years old. Choose me instead.”

  “Or me,” said Jacob’s mother.

  But the two pirates came forward and pulled Jacob away. “Sorry,” Crossbones said, “but I find the boy a far superior, preferable, and most excellent choice. In other words, he’s going. Now hurry up, we haven’t got all day.”

  Jacob tried not to look afraid. “If you don’t hurt anyone else, I’ll walk the plank, I’ll walk.” One of the pirates helped him up onto the plank stretched over the water. Jacob took a step forward. He remembered that it would soon be his birthday. He would be two plus two plus two plus one. Well, he didn’t have to worry about his birthday now, since he wasn’t going to reach it.

  “What are you waiting for?” asked Crossbones.

  “Hurry up, or I’ll send your pesky family with you.”

  He took another step and then another. The wooden plank started to bend downwards. Two more steps and he was halfway to the end of the plank. Below him swirled the dark sea. He closed his eyes and shuffled forward until he was standing at the edge.

  “Stop!” cried a voice. “Stop! I have the treasure! Don’t make Jacob Two-Two walk any farther!”

  Jacob knew it was Cindy calling. Crossbones started to laugh. “I knew you were all softies! Alright, boy, come back now. Count yourself lucky.”

  Jacob felt a huge relief as he walked carefully backwards until he was on the ship again.

  “Cynthia Francis Louise Snootcastle!” cried her mother. “Don’t tell me that you’ve brought the family jewels with you. They are supposed to be in the safe at home. Why, they were there just the day before we left. I was running my fingers through them – I mean, I was checking them for safekeeping.”

  “No, Mother,” said Cindy. “I have a different treasure in my pocket. I didn’t want you to know about it.”

  “Didn’t want me to know? Well, well. My own daughter has a treasure that she doesn’t wish to share with me. I’m speechless. I’m dumbfounded. I’m at a loss for words.”

  “And yet, Madam,” said Jacob’s father, “you still speak.”

  “Enough of this chitchat,” said Crossbones. “Come on, child, show me your treasure. Show it, I say!”

  “Alright,” Cindy said, stepping forward. She put her hand carefully into her pocket, moved it around, and then drew it out. She turned her hand over, opening her fingers. And there on her palm was … a mouse!

  Such an adorable mouse, Jacob thought. The mouse sniffed the air, perked up its fuzzy ears, and cleaned its whiskers. Cindy stroked its soft head, whispering “That’s a good Treasure.”

  “What is it? My eyes aren’t what they used to be,” said Crossbones. He and Mr. Scrounger bent over at the same time, knocking heads. “Ouch! Get back, you scurvy dog! You hurt my noggin!”

  “And mine,” said Mr. Scrounger, rubbing his own head.

  Crossbones bent over again, this time lifting up his eye patch. “Now let me take a look at what you’ve got. Is it silver? Pearls? A little closer … ah, I see now… . It’s a … a … mouse?” Crossbones sprang back, crashing into his fellow pirates. “Get that thing away from me!” he cried.

  “Are you afraid of mice? Are you afraid of mice?” Jacob asked.

  “I’m not afraid of anything. I was just surprised, that’s all. But I don’t understand. Why did you say you have treasure?” asked Crossbones.

  “Because her name is Treasure,” Cindy said.

  “You mean there’s no real treasure on the ship? No gold, no diamonds, or rubies? Aargh! Mr. Scrounger, you have failed me!”

  “I’m sorry, Crossbones,” Mr. Scrounger said meekly. “Please don’t put me in irons. At least I’ve found two pirates to join your crew, just like you asked.”

  “Right, I did ask you to do that. Which ones have you been training?”

  “Those two.” Mr. Scrounger pointed at Jacob and Cindy. “I chose the youngest, just like you said.”

  “Excellent. You two are just the right age to teach how to be a pirate. Why, I was just a tot, a moppet, a lad – in short, a kid – myself when I started. Bring them aboard our ship, Mr. Scrounger. We’ll leave the rest behind and good riddance to them.”

  “Now wait a minute. You can’t take my son,” said Jacob’s father.

  “Nor my daughter, even if she has been naughty,” said Mrs. Snootcastle.

  “Just watch me,” Crossbones said. “Pirates, throw those parents below. If I say these two are going to be pirates, then pirates they’ll be!”

  CHAPTER 12

  s soon as they were aboard their pirate ship, Crossbones ordered the crew to pull up anchor and raise the sails. Jacob and Cindy watched as the pirates scrambled up the masts and untied the ropes, the sails unfurling in the wind. Within moments, the old wooden ship was racing across the water. As they worked, the pirates sang.

  We don’t like washing behind our ears,

  or learning our multiplication.

  When our noses drip, we blow in our sleeves

  and we spit for relaxation!

  It’s the pirate life for us, hey ho!

  The pirate life for us!

  Our shirts are ruffly, our scarves are rags,

  our trousers are torn at the bottom.

  We like to wear earings and even tattoos,

  but now everybody’s got ’em!

  It’s the pirate life for us, hey ho!

  The pirate life for us!

  We search for treasure on the high seas,

  gold and silver and more.

  But we ain’t found nothing for all our work,

  and this life is becoming a bore!

  Enough of the pirate life, hey ho!

  Enough of the pirate life!

  “What’s that you’re singing?” asked Crossbones menacingly. The pirates began to tremble and switched to a different s
ong. “That’s better. Mr. Scrounger, give me a report.”

  “We’re going full sail, sir,” Mr. Scrounger said. “We couldn’t go faster if we put our feet in to paddle.”

  “You’re a bad boy and you won’t get any supper!” squawked the parrot.

  “Shut that thing up.”

  “Yes, sir. Just one question, Crossbones.”

  “What is it?”

  “Why are we in such a hurry? I mean, we’re racing at top speed across the Atlantic Ocean. Do we have a reason?”

  Crossbones rubbed his chin. He looked to the left and to the right. “Hmm, good point,” he mumbled. He cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted “STOP THE SHIP!” so loud, Jacob and Cindy jumped.

  Once more, the pirates sprang into action. They pulled down the sails and threw out the anchor. “Gather around, mates,” Crossbones called. The crew formed a circle around him.

  “Are we going to sing more songs?” asked a pirate.

  “No, you nincompoop. We’ve got a serious problem. As pirates, our job is to find treasure. But we haven’t any idea where to look.”

  The pirates scratched their heads. They scratched under their arms. None of them could think of where any treasure might be. Crossbones declared that the ship would stay right where it was until somebody thought of a place to look.

  “In the meantime, maybe we could have a wee nip of rum,” a pirate said hesitantly. “After all, next to treasure, pirates love rum.”

  “Rum, rum! A wee nip of rum!” chanted the pirates. Crossbones, who liked his rum as much as the next pirate, agreed. A barrel was brought from below. As they had no glasses, each pirate put his mouth under the spout of the barrel for three seconds. He got to the back of the line to wait for another turn. Very soon, the pirates were happily singing again.

  It’s the pirate life for us, hey ho!

  The pirate life for us!

  CHAPTER 13

  hile the pirates were singing and drinking rum, Crossbones gave Jacob and Cindy jobs to do. As the youngest pirates on the ship, they were given the worst chores. First, they had to clean seagull poop off the wooden figurehead attached to the bow of the ship. Leaning over the edge, they reached down with soapy mops to scrub the mermaid. When they were finally done, they returned to discover that all the pirates were asleep, including Crossbones.

  “What if we never get away?” said Jacob. “We could become teenaged pirates and then adult pirates and then old pirates. We could!”

  “I know. If only we could think of something,” said Cindy.

  Jacob heard a sound. He listened harder. Someone was calling his name. It had to be his imagination – after all, they were floating in the middle of the ocean. But then he heard it again.

  “Do you hear that? Do you hear that?” Jacob asked.

  “I do,” said Cindy. “I think it’s coming from the water.”

  The two friends hurried to the side of the ship. When they looked down, they saw a raft made of wooden logs tied together with vines. On the bobbing raft were none other than the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole! Their capes fluttered in the breeze.

  “Here, take this,” called Shapiro.

  Shapiro held out a piece of paper. But when Jacob stretched his hand over the side of the ship, he couldn’t reach it. He leaned farther and farther over the side – and then he slipped!

  “I’ve got you!” said Cindy, holding on to Jacob. Jacob reached down and grabbed the paper. Cindy pulled him back up again.

  “What do I do with it? What do I do with it?” Jacob asked.

  “Hide it!” said Shapiro.

  “But not too well!” added O’Toole. Their raft began to drift away from the ship. The Infamous Two waved until they could be seen no more. Jacob and Cindy examined the piece of paper. It was torn at the edges, stained with tea, and smudged with dirt. On it was a drawing of a large island. On the island was an X marked in crayon. It looked just like the sort of map that Jacob’s older brothers and sisters made when they were pretending to be explorers.

  Jacob did what he was told. He rolled up the map and put it in his pocket, but he let the end stick out. A large wave splashed over the rear of the ship, drenching the pirates with cold water and waking them up. Crossbones cursed and kicked Mr. Scrounger, who cursed and kicked the pirate next to him, who did the same – all the way down the line.

  Stretching, Crossbones noticed Jacob and Cindy. “Finished your job, have you? I’m sure I can find something else that nobody wants to do. Wait a minute, what’s that in your pocket?”

  “Nothing, nothing,” Jacob said, pretending to hide the paper.

  “You can’t fool me.” Crossbones snatched the paper away and unfolded it. “Hmm,” he said, peering closely. “Torn edges. Tea stains. Crayon mark. Why, this looks like a treasure map! Where did you get it?”

  “It was floating on the water,” Cindy said quickly.

  “This is it, mates! We’re saved! We’ve got real pirate work to do at last. We’re going after this treasure!”

  The pirates linked arms and began to dance in a circle, kicking up their heels.

  It’s the pirate life for us, hey ho!

  The pirate life for us!”

  “Stop that racket! Now, according to the map we’ve got to head due south until we come to a large island. Mr. Scrounger, take the wheel!”

  The pirates snapped into action. Crossbones gave Jacob and Cindy the job of polishing the cannons. He also gave each of them a hard biscuit and a slice of lemon. “That’s so you don’t get scurvy,” he told them. Cindy shared her biscuit with Treasure. A mouse is a pretty small pet, Jacob thought, but it’s certainly better than no pet at all.

  “Brush your teeth with soya sauce! Brush your teeth with soya sauce!” squawked the parrot.

  They had not been working long before a pirate up in the crow’s nest called out “Land ahoy!” Jacob and Cindy hurried to the bow of the ship, where they could see the island in the distance. It was a lot bigger than the island where Crossbones had left the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole. Mr. Scrounger called on the pirate crew to drop anchor near the shore line. Then he called on them to prepare a rowboat.

  “Come on, you two squirts,” Crossbones said. “You found the map. Maybe you’ll be of some use finding the treasure.”

  Jacob and Cindy got into the rowboat with Crossbones, Mr. Scrounger, and two other pirates, and the boat was lowered into the water. Another boatload of pirates followed behind. As the pirates rowed toward the shore, they began to sing.

  We’re pirates in a boat, hurrah!

  We hope to keep afloat, hurrah!

  But if we start to sink, hurrah!

  We’ll think this job does stink, hurrah!

  “Stop that singing!” Crossbones demanded. “I don’t understand why pirates have to sing so much. Now pull up onto the beach.”

  The sailors jumped into the shallows and pulled the boats up onto the shore. Jacob and Cindy stepped onto the sand after Crossbones and Mr. Scrounger. Crossbones held out the map and examined it.

  “I believe you’re holding it upside down,” said Mr. Scrounger.

  “I knew that.” Crossbones quickly turned it over. “I was testing you. Right, then. We go forward for thirty paces, cross a stream, zigzag through a swamp, around a palm tree, walk up a hill, and it’s on the other side. That sounds simple enough. Follow me!”

  Crossbones pulled out his sword, held it aloft, and began to walk. The rest straggled after, with Jacob and Cindy coming up behind. “What do you think will happen when we get there?” Cindy asked.

  “Maybe the pirates will fall into a hole,” said Jacob. “Or get caught in a net, a big net.”

  “We better not get caught too,” Cindy said. Crossbones counted out thirty paces, then crossed the stream, then zigzagged through the swamp. Mosquitoes swarmed around them, making the pirates dance as they slapped at themselves. Then they went around a palm tree and started to climb the hill.

  The hill was b
ig and high, and soon the pirates, who were in bad shape, began panting for breath. “We’re almost there, lads,” puffed Crossbones, shakily raising his sword. “When we get to the top of this hill, we’ll be able to see where the treasure is. Onward!”

  Forward they went. All of them reached the top of the hill at the same time. And all of them stopped, including Jacob. Because what they saw wasn’t treasure at all.

  CHAPTER 14

  t the bottom of the hill, Jacob saw a stage. A big stage. A curtain stitched together from old sailor’s uniforms stretched between two tall palm trees. Above the curtain, made out of twisted sticks, were the words Treasure Theater.

  “What is this, some kind of deception, ruse, gimmick – in short, a trick?” asked Crossbones. “Draw your swords, mates. We’ll approach with caution, and if it’s an ambush, we’ll cut ’em down!”

  Some of the pirates had trouble getting their swords out of their belts, but at last they were all ready. Jacob didn’t think they looked very brave. In fact, they looked scared out of their wits. Their knees knocked together and their teeth chattered. And when they heard a loud sound, like an out-of-tune trumpet, they jumped into the air.

  “Bbbbttthhheeeww!” the noise went again. At that moment, two people slipped out from behind the curtain. It was none other than the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole, wearing their towel capes and their glowing Child Power shirts. Shapiro was holding a big conch shell. He raised it to his lips and blew into it.

  “Ladies and gentlemen!” cried O’Toole. “Pirates, traitors, and captives! Our show is about to begin. If all of you would take your seats, you will see some of the most spectacular, most daring performances ever attempted on an uninhabited island. What you see today will leave you with memories to treasure your whole life!”

  “Memories?” muttered Crossbones under his breath. “What sort of treasure is that?”

  “Our first act,” called out Shapiro, “comes direct from the Ural Mountains. Please put your hands together and give a big welcome to … the Bubov Brothers!”