Jacob Two-Two on the High Seas

by Cary Fagan

  The two of them got to work. Cindy threw things into a big garbage bag, while Jacob piled up copies of Shipwreck Monthly. Every so often, the parrot would talk to them. “Clean your ears!” it would say. “Big feet are good for dancing!”

  “Hey, Jacob, look at this,” Cindy said. She came over and showed Jacob what she was holding. It was a black eye patch. “Why would Mr. Scrounger have that?” she wondered aloud. “There’s nothing wrong with his eye.”

  “Maybe it’s for a costume party,” said Jacob.

  “Does Mr. Scrounger look like the sort of person who goes to costume parties?”

  “No, he doesn’t. No, he doesn’t.”

  “I think we better talk to Morgenbesser.”

  Jacob agreed that it was a good idea. The two friends rushed to finish their cleaning. Then they left Mr. Scrounger’s cabin and hurried down to the engine room. The metal door was so heavy, it took the two of them to pull it open. There was Morgenbesser shoveling coal into the furnace, his muscles straining. He looked just as enormous as the first time Jacob had seen him, but Jacob wasn’t afraid of him anymore.

  When Morgenbesser saw them, he smiled and put down his shovel. “Hello, Jacob. Hello, Cindy. I was just going to take a break for tea. Would you like to join me?”

  Cindy curtsied. “Why, I’d love to,” she said.

  “Me too, me too,” Jacob added.

  Morgenbesser already had the kettle on the furnace, and it started to whistle. He made the tea and took a baking pan from atop the furnace. Jacob could smell the freshly baked cookies. Morgenbesser set the teacups and a plate of cookies on his checkers table, and the three of them sat on the barrels.

  “Oh good, the cookies didn’t burn this time,” Morgen besser said. “Do have some. I hope Mr. Scrounger hasn’t put you to work again.”

  “He has, he has,” Jacob said. “We found something while cleaning his room.”

  “What did you find?” Morgenbesser asked, placing a whole cookie in his mouth.

  “A black eye patch,” Cindy said.

  Morgenbesser chewed thoughtfully. “First a parrot and now an eye patch. So who wears an eye patch and goes around with a parrot?”

  “I know! I know!” Jacob said. “A pirate does! A pirate does!”

  “Exactly. But what would the first mate be doing with these things? The last person you want to meet while sailing on the high seas is a pirate. You two have done good work. We better be extra careful.”

  “These are lovely cookies,” said Cindy. Jacob could see that she really did have awfully good manners.

  CHAPTER 9

  acob Two-Two and Cindy went up to the deck. Jacob said, “Will you show me your treasure now, will you?”

  “Yes, I will,” Cindy said. “But you must remember not to tell anyone.”

  “I won’t, I won’t.”

  “It’s right here in my pocket.”

  But before Cindy could show Jacob, someone began calling to them. “Jacob Two-Two! Cindy! Yoo-hoo!” It was Captain Sparkletooth. He was waving to them from beside the wheelhouse. “This is a perfect time for both of you to have your photograph taken with me. I’m sure you’ll agree that I look particularly handsome today.”

  Near him was Mr. Scrounger with a camera on a tripod. Jacob had no desire to be photographed with Captain Sparkletooth. But he didn’t want to hurt the captain’s feelings, so he and Cindy went over. A heavy mist hung over the ocean. It was so thick that Jacob could hardly see five feet beyond the rail of the ship.

  “You first, Jacob Two-Two,” said the captain. “Don’t be shy now. Move a little closer. Now when you get this photograph, Jacob, don’t be surprised if you look pale and insignificant next to my magnificent self. Everyone does. Have you got all of me in focus, Mr. Scrounger? Not just my nose like last time.”

  “Almost,” said Mr. Scrounger.

  “What’s that out there?” Cindy pointed past the rail of the ship. “There’s something there in the mist.”

  “Don’t move or you’ll spoil the shot,” said Mr. Scrounger. But Jacob turned his head to look. Cindy was right, there was something out there. A dark form slowly emerged from the mist.

  “Why, this is most annoying,” Captain Sparkletooth said. “This was going to be one of the best photographs of me ever. I don’t see what can be so interesting out there.”

  Jacob could just make out the carved figurehead of a mermaid. “It’s a ship! It’s a ship!” he cried. As it became more visible, Jacob could see that it was a very old ship, the kind with three tall masts and big sails. He could also see cannons – dozens of them – lined up along the ship’s side.

  “If anyone is going to greet the captain of another ship, that person ought to be me,” Captain Sparkle-tooth said. “In fact, I have a speech prepared for just such an occasion. Mr. Scrounger, where is my bullhorn? Ah, here it is on this hook.” The captain put the bullhorn to his mouth. “This is the captain of the SS Spring-a-Leak calling. I welcome you to … to … wherever we are. In recognition of the brotherhood of all sailors, we offer our hospitality to you all. I believe we have muffins and hot chocolate.”

  Now Jacob could see the flag waving from the top of one of the masts. It was a black flag, with a skull and crossbones on it – the Jolly Roger! “It’s a pirate ship. It’s a pirate ship!” Jacob said.

  “Nonsense, Jacob,” said Captain Sparkletooth. “There haven’t been pirates in these waters for two hundred years. Do you think I’d be out here if there were? There must be some other reason. I know! They’re making a movie. I hear that pirate movies are very popular these days. Perhaps the stars would like to have their picture taken with me… .”

  The captain’s words were drowned out by an explosion. Bazoom! Something whizzed over their heads and splashed into the water on the other side of the SS Spring-a-Leak.

  “It’s a cannonball!” Jacob cried. “They’re firing at us! They’re firing!”

  “Firing?” said Captain Sparkletooth. “I’m shocked. How rude. There is only one thing for a brave and handsome captain such as myself to do. Surrender! Somebody wave a white flag. We don’t have one? How inconvenient. Here, I’ll wave my jacket.”

  But by the time the captain had undone all the brass buttons, the pirate ship was already alongside the SS Spring-a-Leak. A gangplank was laid across the rails, and two very dirty pirates in bare feet stepped nimbly across, holding out their swords. “Prepare to meet the greatest pirate of them all!” one of them announced. “Introducing our leader, Crossbones!”

  Crossbones? Jacob shivered at the very sound of the name. Out of the mist emerged a man in a pirate hat and leather boots. As the pirate crossed over the gangway, Jacob saw his eye patch, his grizzled beard, and the cutlass tucked in his broad belt. He swaggered as he walked, his big stomach swaying with each step. With a grunt he began to pull himself over the rail of the SS Spring-a-Leak. There was a loud ripping sound.

  “Tarnation!” growled Crossbones. “I believe I have rendered a tear in my lower garment.”

  “What did he just say?” asked Captain Sparkle-tooth.

  “He ripped his pants,” said one of the other pirates.

  Crossbones stepped up to the Captain and leaned on his sword. Captain Sparkletooth, his teeth chattering with fear, removed his cap. “Oh, dear, Mr. Crossbones, you have quite a reputation. A terrible reputation.”

  “You flatter me. I believe I am even blushing,” said Crossbones. “You have done well to surrender, Captain Sparkletooth. Otherwise, I would have had to mar, soil, besmear – in other words, stain – that scrumptious uniform of yours. With blood, I mean.”

  “I don’t like the sight of blood, especially my own,” said Captain Sparkletooth. “But if I might ask a question, why are you here?”

  “Aargh! That’s the question, ain’t it, boys?”

  “Aye,” agreed the other pirates, grinning so that their black teeth showed. “A good question, ha-ha!”

  “Aye, I’ll answer it, too. But first, pirates, bar
those doors to the lower decks. I hear people coming up the stairs.” The pirates did as they were told. Jacob could hear the voices of other passengers, including his own parents. “I’ll tell you why we’re here,” Crossbones went on. “We’ve come for the swag, the snatch, the booty – in other words, the treasure.”

  “Yes, the treasure, the treasure!” sang the pirates.

  “I don’t know of any treasure aboard the SS Spring-a-Leak. Why do you think there’s treasure here?”

  “Because I have a spy on your ship.”

  “A spy aboard the SS Spring-a-Leak? Outrageous. When I find out who the spy is, I’m going to take away his dessert for a week. Make that two weeks. Mr. Scrounger, do you know who the spy is?”

  “I do, Captain.”

  “Don’t tell me, let me guess. Is it the bosun?”

  “No, Captain.”

  “Is it the cook?”

  “No, Captain.”

  “I know who it is! I know who it is!” Jacob said.

  “You couldn’t possibly know,” said Captain Sparkletooth. “You’re going to say something ridiculous, like it’s Mr. Scrounger.”

  “But it is Mr. Scrounger! It is Mr. Scrounger!”

  The captain sighed. “Mr. Scrounger, tell Jacob that it isn’t you.”

  “But it is me,” Mr. Scrounger said.

  “Stop fooling around. This is serious,” said the captain.

  “No, I mean it,” said Mr. Scrounger. “Hold on, I’ll prove it.”

  Mr. Scrounger hurried away while everyone else stood waiting. Even Crossbones, who was muttering under his breath while he cleaned his nails with the tip of his sword. Mr. Scrounger appeared again, this time with the parrot on his shoulder and the black eye patch around his head.

  “See! See! I’m a pirate, too. Don’t I look like one now? Say something, parrot,” he cried.

  The parrot tilted its head, clacked its beak, and squawked, “Pirates and pickles cost only a nickel! Pirates and pickles cost only a nickel!”

  “First of all,” said Crossbones, stepping up to Mr. Scrounger, “there can’t be two of us wearing an eye patch. That would be preposterous, asinine, and a mockery – in other words, dumb. You take yours off.”

  “Oh, rats,” said Mr. Scrounger. As he took the eye patch off, he thwacked himself on the ear.

  “But why, Mr. Scrounger?” asked Captain Sparkle-tooth. “Why would you betray us? Especially when I am so much more handsome than he is!”

  “I’ll tell you why,” answered Mr. Scrounger. “Because I’m tired of watching you comb your hair while you admire yourself in the mirror. I’m tired of taking your photograph. I want to be noticed for a change.”

  “I notice your feet smell! I notice your feet smell!” squawked the parrot.

  “Please get that bird to shut up,” said Crossbones. “We’ve got pirate work to do here.”

  “No, you don’t,” said a commanding voice. Jacob recognized it immediately. He looked up, and in the ship’s rigging he saw none other than the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole, their shirts emblazoned with the words Child Power, their capes fluttering behind them.

  “We thought our work was done,” said the fearless O’Toole, “but it seems that we’ve got more cleaning up to do.”

  Crossbones looked at them and shrugged. “Tie them up,” he said.

  CHAPTER 10

  acob Two-Two watched in horror as the pirates pulled the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole down from the rigging and tied their hands behind their backs.

  “Mr. Scrounger,” called Crossbones, “take the wheel. Steer a course thirty degrees west. Make sure our own ship follows us.”

  “Aye, aye, Crossbones,” said Mr. Scrounger, going to the wheelhouse.

  “Where are we going? Where are we going?” asked Jacob.

  Crossbones gave Jacob a nasty smile. “It is always best to remove a nuisance,” he said. “I happen to know a most exquisite stretch of beach not far from here that I’m sure these two will enjoy. A shame it happens to be on a desert island.”

  “A desert island? Without food and water? They’ll starve. They’ll starve.”

  “Do you think I care? If I weren’t cruel and ruthless, I wouldn’t be called Crossbones, would I? I’d be called Henry or George. I just don’t know what they teach you in school these days.”

  “I had an uncle named Henry,” said one of the pirates. “And an aunt named George.”

  “Be quiet, you. I can see the island now. One drooping palm tree to keep them company. Send the two troublemakers down.”

  Jacob watched in dismay as the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole were put into a lifeboat with one of the pirates and lowered to the water. The pirate rowed to a tiny island with a single palm tree and a single rock on it. He untied the intrepid Shapiro and the fearless O’Toole, drew his sword, and forced them out of the boat. Once the Infamous Two were out of the boat, the pirate rowed back to the ship.

  “Good luck to ya,” called Crossbones, laughing heartily. “All right, Mr. Scrounger, take us away.”

  The ship began to move. As he looked down at the helpless duo, Jacob noticed one of the lower cabin windows opening. A canvas bag flew out the window and landed on the island. It opened up and out spilled bottles of water, boxes of crackers, chocolate bars, and other supplies. Through the window, a big, muscled arm appeared and gave the thumbs-up sign. It was Morgenbesser!

  “Good old Morgenbesser,” Jacob whispered.

  “Eh, what’s that? What are you mumbling?” asked Crossbones.

  “Just that the morning couldn’t be better, couldn’t be better,” Jacob said.

  “You are a mixed-up kid. It isn’t even morning. And things are going to get much worse. Captain Sparkletooth, hand over the treasure.”

  “But I told you, we have no treasure,” the captain said. “We have a load of freeze-dried cottage cheese. We have seven barrels of prunes. But we don’t have any treasure on this ship.”

  “Of course you do. Mr. Scrounger informed, enlightened, and apprised me – that is, he told me so. Scrounger, get out here!”

  Mr. Scrounger came out of the wheelhouse. The parrot squawked, “I love to dance the tango! I love to dance the tango!”

  “You’ll be roasting in the oven if you don’t shut your beak,” said Crossbones. “Now, tell us about the treasure, Mr. Scrounger.”

  “Walking about the ship, I heard somebody whispering. I don’t know who it was, but I know for certain that somebody is hiding treasure on this ship.”

  Crossbones put his hand on the hilt of his sword. “We better get everyone here then. Pirates, unbar that door and let the other passengers up on deck.”

  The pirates opened the door and the passengers filed out. “Jacob, are you alright?” cried his mother. His father rushed toward him too, followed by Daniel and Marfa.

  Mrs. Snootcastle hurried up to Cindy. “All I can say is this shows some very bad manners,” said Mrs. Snootcastle.

  “Everyone here?” said Crossbones. “Good. And now if the person who has the treasure will take one step forward, we can have all of this settled by dinnertime.”

  CHAPTER 11

  acob knew what they were thinking: Who has the treasure? Of course he knew. The treasure was in Cindy’s pocket. All she had to do was give it to Crossbones, and he and his dastardly pirates would put away their daggers and swords and sail away on their pirate ship.

  Jacob looked over at Cindy. She stood by her mother, staring down at her shoes. She wasn’t going to tell the pirates about her treasure! Should he, Jacob Two-Two, do something? Should he tell the pirates? Jacob knew that the treasure must be precious to Cindy if she didn’t want to say anything.

  How would he like it if somebody made him give up something he cared about? Jacob decided not to say anything.

  At last, the eldest of the Bubov Brothers spoke. “We have the treasure.”

  “Yes, we do,” said the middle brother.

  “Definitely,�
� said the youngest.

  “What is it?” asked Crossbones. “Is it gold? Is it silver? Rubies? Diamonds?”

  “It’s our special no-slip acrobat shoes,” replied the eldest brother. “We couldn’t perform without them. We’ll give them to you.”

  “I don’t want your old shoes,” said Crossbones. “And that isn’t treasure. Someone else must have it.”

  “Alright, go ahead and tell them what the treasure is,” said Hector the ventriloquist dummy, rolling his eyes at Percy Swishbottom.

  “No, I won’t,” said Percy.

  “Don’t be a bigger dummy than me. Give it to them.”

  “Fine.” Percy sighed. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small pamphlet. Jacob read the title: How to Throw Your Voice and Amaze Your Friends. “I mailed in a coupon from a comic book to get this. It taught me how to be a ventriloquist. It’s the most valuable thing I have.”

  “I don’t want to throw my voice, but I might throw your dummy overboard!” growled Crossbones.

  “No problem,” said the dummy. “I float.”

  “It is my turn to confess,” said Mr. Peabody. “I have the treasure. Here it is – my greatest invention ever!”

  Mr. Peabody unfolded a large blueprint with a complex drawing of a large box covered in buttons, levers, and switches. Attached to the box by mechanical arms were a baseball bat, an umbrella, and a bicycle pump. Inside the box was an even more complicated series of wheels and belts and computer chips.

  “What does it do?” asked one of the pirates.

  “I don’t know yet,” Mr. Peabody admitted.

  “Put your paper away,” snarled Crossbones. “It’s worthless.”

  Jacob’s father took a step forward. “I don’t have a treasure on me, but I could make you one,” he said.

  Crossbones squinted an eye at Jacob’s father. “What sort of treasure?”

  “A book. I can write a book and make you the villain. People all over the world will read it and tremble at the very description of you.”