When You Are Near

by Tracie Peterson

  “Yes, that’s how it happened.” Wesley’s expression turned grim. “But you were the reason she was on that horse and the reason she fell. At least that’s what I let myself believe. In truth, she was desperately trying to get my attention. It was easier to blame you. At least then I wasn’t . . . I wasn’t . . .” He heaved a sigh.

  Lizzy had never heard anything about this. “You said I was the reason she was on that horse and fell. How can you say that?”

  For several minutes he said nothing. Lizzy wasn’t sure he was going to answer her. She’d never in her life imagined that he blamed her for Clarissa’s death. Did others?

  “Lizzy, I don’t know what to say. The truth is, I didn’t love Clarissa as I should have. I married her because she was alone and needed someone to protect her and not go on abusing her like her drunk father always did. I felt sorry for her, and she knew it. She wasn’t in love with me either, but we both thought we could find love once we were married. It just didn’t work that way. She was jealous. All the time she was jealous . . . of you.”

  “Of me?” Lizzy thought of the pretty blond-haired woman. “But why?”

  He rubbed his jaw and drew in a deep breath. “Because she knew how much I cared about you. For some reason, she thought it had to do with your trick riding. She figured if she started doing tricks on horseback that I’d care more about her than you.”

  “She tried trick riding?” Lizzy’s eyes narrowed. “I never knew that.”

  “She convinced herself that my feelings for you were wrapped up in trick riding. That’s why she fell from the horse. She was trying to do some sort of stunt. She lost her grip and slipped under the horse.”

  “I don’t know what to say. No one ever told me.”

  “Because I didn’t tell anyone what really happened. I figured it was better that way. I would have had a bad time trying to explain why my wife was performing stunts to impress me.”

  “I’m really sorry, Wes.” Lizzy had never thought it possible that Clarissa had been jealous of her relationship with him. Lizzy had tried hard to bury her feelings for him after learning he was married. She respected the sanctity of marriage. God had joined them together, and while the truth of that devastated Lizzy, she hadn’t wanted to cause Clarissa any pain. Lizzy’s own pain had been enough.

  The wind died down, and everything suddenly seemed quiet. Lizzy tried to think of what she could say or do. She couldn’t even imagine Clarissa trying to do stunts. She wasn’t at all athletic and, in fact, had a rather weak constitution.

  “Look, Lizzy, I’m sorry for the way I’ve acted. It was never your fault. I know that. I felt terrible that I couldn’t make her happy. I tried. I really did. I offered to pack us up and leave, but she didn’t want that either. I’m not sure anything I could have said or done would have made her happy.”

  “Maybe that’s just it, Wes. She had to find happiness for herself. Nobody can create it for you.”

  “Just the same, when she died, I felt like it was my fault. I kept hearing her tell me over and over that one day I would love her as much as I did you, because she was going to do all the things you did. When she died, I guess my guilt made me keep you at arm’s length. I figured it was the price I had to pay.”

  Lizzy startled at his words. Had he loved her then? Did he still? She couldn’t ask him for fear of the answer. If he told her he didn’t love her—could never love her again—it would be more than she could bear.

  But you’re determined not to love him or ever marry, she tried to reason with herself. It shouldn’t matter what he thinks or feels now. You know the dangers of caring too much. You know the pain that will inevitably come.

  But I can hardly go through life without friends.

  Lizzy wrestled her thoughts in silence. The need for people to care about her argued with the part of her determined never again to feel the pain that came with loss.

  After a long time, she gave up the fight. “Wes, can we start again? Can we go back to being friends?” The words seemed to echo around them.

  He gave her a sad smile. “We’ve always been friends, Lizzy. Forgive me for letting my problems come between us.”

  She felt a weight taken from her. “Of course.” Her voice barely sounded. “Forgive me for whatever part I had in all of this. Maybe I should have done more to make her feel a part of our friendship, done more to befriend her.”

  “It was never your fault, Lizzy. It was just easier to blame you than accept my role.” He got to his feet. “I think the weather is clearing. We should push on and see if we can’t get to town.”

  She crawled out from under the tarp and let the blanket drop. “I’ll take care of all this. You get the horses.”

  For a moment he looked at her as if he might say something more. But then, without another word, he crawled out and was gone.

  She watched him go, and for the first time she understood something about Wesley that she’d never known. He had sacrificed himself and his happiness for Clarissa’s safety and well-being. At eighteen, Lizzy had been too worried about her own feelings to really understand. Wes had come home married, and it had devastated her. She couldn’t believe anyone would marry for less than love, and it wasn’t until years later that she’d overheard her mother and father speak of Wes’s sad situation. She had never imagined people married without being madly in love. But this knowledge had only hurt Lizzy more. Mother had said he married Clarissa because she needed him. Well, Lizzy needed him too. If only she had understood then what she knew now. Wes had seen the need and given up everything to save Clarissa from a worse fate. The truth only made her love him more.

  A warning went off in her head. If you love him more, it will only serve to hurt you more. She frowned. How could she rid herself of her feelings and protect her heart? It wasn’t Wesley’s fault that she felt as she did. For so long she’d been angry because he refused to return her feelings, but now . . .

  “It would serve me right.” She began gathering their things. How ironic it would be if Wes fell in love with her. Now that she was determined to love no one.

  Wes nearly sighed in relief when they finally reached Miles City. The road hadn’t been easy. Parts of it were drifted high with snow. The team was strong, however, and Wes had simply urged them on when the way was rough. The hardest part had been keeping to the road, since it and the land around them looked much the same.

  The sun was nearly gone from the sky before they could see the town in the distance. Now, as they made their way down Main Street, most of the stores were closed, and the only places that showed signs of life were the saloons.

  “Let’s check with Clem and Eva Truman. I’m sure they’ll let us stay at their place and save us the fee of a hotel,” Wes said, guiding the horses in the direction of the older couple’s house. The streets were in fairly good condition, making their journey to the other side of town easy.

  “I haven’t seen them in ages.” Lizzy stretched. “I sure hope Mother won’t worry about us.”

  “Can’t be helped if she does. She knows that we’re pretty capable.” Wes looked at Lizzy and gave her a slight smile. “I’m sure she’ll be fine. We’ll head out first thing in the morning if the weather looks good.”

  He brought the team to a halt in front of a small clapboard house. The place was lit up, leaving little doubt that Clem and Eva were home. “Why don’t you go talk to them, and I’ll get the team put up.”

  Lizzy nodded and jumped down from the wagon. As she headed up the walkway, Wes moved the horses down the street and back toward the livery. He climbed down, feeling tired and frozen. He made arrangements for the horses, then grabbed the basket of food from the back of the wagon along with his rifle and headed back to the Trumans’.

  Wes thought back on his conversation with Lizzy. He’d never been honest with anyone about Clarissa’s death. He hadn’t even allowed himself to think about it. He’d been unable to bear the guilt, and it had been easier to tell himself it was Lizzy’s fault. Eve
n though he’d never really believed that.

  He walked on, grateful that it hadn’t snowed as much here. Despite the cold, he wanted to take his time and sort through his thoughts. Lizzy had asked if they could go back to being friends, but Wes knew now that he wanted so much more. He loved Lizzy.

  When had his feelings for her changed from that of a watchful big brother to one of romantic intentions? He thought back to when she’d first come back to the ranch after Clarissa’s death. That was when it happened. He remembered seeing her standing in the barn, talking to one of the hands. In that moment, he had wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her. At the time, those feelings had only made him feel guiltier. He already knew that his friendship with Lizzy had made Clarissa feel the need to show off. Admitting his feelings for Lizzy was akin to having a hand in his wife’s death.

  Staring up at the Trumans’ house, Wes felt a sense of sorrow as he remembered Clarissa just before she’d passed. He’d knelt at her bedside and held her hand.

  “You need to fight, Clarissa. Fight to stay alive.”

  “There’s no fight in me, Wes.” She strained to breathe, and the sound of it caught in the back of her throat. The wheezy gasp chilled him to the bone. “There’s never . . . been . . . any fight in me.” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Wes. I did . . . you wrong.”

  “No,” he tried to assure her. “We did what we had to in order to keep you safe.”

  “Not a good reason . . . to marry.” She closed her eyes, and for a moment Wes thought she was gone. “You always belonged . . . with her. I knew that . . . but . . . didn’t care.”

  Wes had never denied that he and Lizzy had a special connection, a relationship that went far beyond anything he had with Clarissa. But he never felt he belonged with Lizzy. She was just a carefree and adventurous child. She hadn’t needed him like Clarissa had. Lizzy had a family who loved and protected her. Clarissa had endured beatings and starvation. She had no one. Wesley had truly believed that he was her savior.

  He glanced heavenward. “Forgive me, Lord. You were the only Savior she needed, but I thought I could do the job.” He heard Lizzy’s laugh and looked at the house. His heart pounded harder at the full understanding that he wanted more than friendship with Lizzy. “I’ve wasted a lot of time, Lord, and I’m gonna need Your help if I’m ever gonna make this right.”

  eighteen

  Lizzy opened her eyes and stretched. The intensity of the sun as it shone through the window actually made her feel hot. She pushed off the heavy quilts Eva Truman had given her the night before and stretched again. She might have stayed there for a long while if not for all they needed to do that morning. That, along with having spent the night in town when Mother expected them home, added a sense of urgency.

  Lizzy dressed and made her way downstairs, where she found Wes reading the paper in front of the fire. She paused for a moment, just watching him—imagining they were married and this was their home.

  “Finally decide to wake up?” he asked, shaking her from her thoughts.

  Lizzy hid her embarrassment as best she could and shrugged. “I guess I was tired. Where’s Eva?”

  He put the paper aside. “She had to go to her sewing circle, and Clem is at work.”

  Lizzy looked around the room for a clock. “What time is it?”

  “Nine thirty.”

  “I’m sorry. I haven’t slept that long in years.” She went to the door to collect her boots. “We’d best hurry, or we won’t get home at a decent hour.”

  “You can take the time to eat your breakfast. Eva kept it in the warmer on the stove.”

  She started to protest but realized she was starving. Her stomach even rumbled as if to remind her. “It won’t take me but a minute.”

  After eating, Lizzy made her way to the store with Wes. They spent a minimal amount of time shopping, then went to retrieve the collie pup for Lizzy’s mother.

  “He’s precious.” Lizzy giggled like a little girl as the puppy squirmed in her arms and licked all over her face. He was all legs and nose, with the softest fur Lizzy had ever felt.

  “I have a crate for you to put him in for the ride home,” Mr. Daniels, Barney’s father, said. “I’ll put it in the back of your wagon.”

  “I’ll give you a hand,” Wes said, following him outside.

  Lizzy looked at Mrs. Daniels and laughed. “I think he will cheer Mother considerably.”

  Barney’s mother nodded. “We were sure sorry to hear about your pa’s passing. Barney brought the news when the train arrived with the casket. It was a real surprise. Surprising too that you and your mother didn’t come with it.”

  “We wanted to, but Father made us promise to finish out the show.” Lizzy stroked the pup until he settled in her arms. She wanted to be angry at Mrs. Daniels’s comment but knew it was a situation most people wouldn’t understand.

  “Will you have a funeral now that you’re back?”

  Lizzy frowned. She and Mother hadn’t talked about it. “I honestly don’t know. I suppose that will be up to Mother. We had a service with the show folk.”

  “Well, that’s good. I know Wes arranged for the preacher to come out to the ranch when he was buried.”

  Lizzy hadn’t known that, but then, she hadn’t been willing to speak about her father and his death. She squared her shoulders and nodded.

  “We’re all ready to go,” Wes announced as he and Mr. Daniels returned.

  Lizzy handed Wes the puppy, which only excited the animal once again. “I have your five dollars.” She reached into her pocket and retrieved the cash. “I believe that was the asking price for the puppy.”

  “I’d nearly forgotten,” Mrs. Daniels said, taking the money. “Most of the others were sold off before Thanksgiving. Barney’s enjoyed working with this little fella. Calls him Pup, but I know your mama will come up with another name.”

  “I’m sure she will, and I’m sure she’ll appreciate all that Barney has taught him. This is going to make a wonderful surprise.”

  She and Wes made their way to the wagon. Wes held the puppy while Lizzy climbed up, then handed him over. Lizzy placed him in the crate. There was plenty of straw at the bottom so the puppy could snuggle down. Unfortunately, all he did was whine and bark in protest.

  “That’s going to be annoying,” Wes muttered, taking up the lines. He gave them a snap. “Let’s go home, boys.”

  They were on their way out of town when the sheriff flagged them down. Lizzy couldn’t imagine what he wanted, but they had little choice but to hear him out.

  “Wes, you got a few minutes?”

  “Not many. We got stuck here overnight and need to get back to the ranch.”

  The sheriff frowned. “It won’t take long. Just thought you could collect your brother.”

  “Phillip is here?”

  “’Fraid so. He came riding in during the storm, lookin’ for you two. Said Mrs. Brookstone sent him to make sure you weren’t broke down in the weather.”

  “He must have ridden right past us.” Lizzy could see by the way Wes clenched his jaw that he wasn’t happy about this.

  He set the brake and handed the lines to Lizzy. “I’ll be right back.”

  She sat and waited. She wondered what had happened. What had Phillip done to get himself thrown in jail? Then she remembered what Wes had said about Phillip drinking. Had he gotten drunk and started brawling? A lot of men did.

  Wes returned with Phillip behind him. Wes pointed toward the livery. “Your horse and gear are down there. Do you have any money left to pay them?”

  “No.” Phillip’s head was down and his voice was barely audible.

  Wesley dug into his pocket and handed Phillip some change. “Go pay the bill and collect your things. I’ll come park out front. You can tie your horse to the wagon and ride in back.”

  Phillip took off without a word, and Wesley said nothing as he climbed aboard and snatched the lines from Lizzy. He released the brake and turned th
e wagon around to head back to the livery.

  “I’m sorry, Wes. Whatever’s going on, I’m really sorry.”

  Wes shook his head. “He was drunk and disorderly and got himself thrown in jail. Luckily just to sleep it off. No one pressed charges against him.”

  “Well, at least that’s good.”

  “None of this is good.” He turned to her. “None of it.”

  The ride home was long and silent except for the constant displeasure of the puppy. Lizzy finally took pity on him and took him from the crate. The collie settled down in her arms and went to sleep almost immediately.

  Phillip also slept most of the way, and Wes was in no mood to discuss anything. Lizzy tried a couple of times to engage him in conversation, but he made it clear that he wanted no part of it. Finally, she stopped trying. When the wind picked up, she snuggled the pup inside her coat and wished there were somewhere she could hide away as well. She hated the silence and being stuck with only her thoughts to ponder.

  When they finally reached the house, it was late afternoon. Mother was the first to greet them. Her expression was filled with relief.

  “I’m so glad you’re home safe. When it came up with such a howling wind and snow, I sent Phillip to find you and warn you that it was coming your way. I figured he could outrun it, since it was just starting up. I guess he found you all right.” She nodded to Phillip, who was climbing off the back of the wagon.

  “More like we found him,” Wes muttered.

  “What?” Mother asked.

  Lizzy shook her head. “Never mind.” The puppy squirmed inside her coat. “I have something for you. It’s your Christmas present, but it can’t wait.”

  Mother gave her a strange look. “What do you mean? We always wait for Christmas morning.”

  “I know, but I would have a hard time hiding this present.” Lizzy opened her coat to reveal the puppy. A long nose came first and then the rest of his head. The collie gave a little yip to announce himself.

  Mother’s expression changed from confusion to absolute delight. “Oh, my!”