Cat's Night Out: Tails from the Federal Witch

by T S Paul

  “It was a dare? Besides, I did the math on it. It should have worked. The only thing I can think of is the drag coefficient related to the driver’s acceleration. Hmmm.” He cocked his head and closed his eyes.

  “Sounds like too stupid to know better. No, your roommate is not suitable. If you like, I can get Cat to give you a direct order to stay here?”

  “Oh, No. Staying here is fine. There’s a game on today anyway. I’m good.”

  “Uh, huh. So, a few Fergus ground rules. Don’t feed the Unicorn. He’s pretty self-sufficient, but he likes to binge eat, and it’s not good for him. So no matter how much he begs, don’t feed him. You have our numbers, but don’t call unless the building is on fire. See ya.” I picked up my bag and left the room. Cat had the keys to Chuck's Riviera, and we were going shopping!

  ~~~~~

  “I thought she’d never leave. That looks painful, what happened to you?” Chuck looked over at the little red Barn, but Fergus was standing on the coffee table looking up at him.

  “I jumped off a gazebo onto a moving car. It was a stunt from that new Impossible Stunts TV show. Jake, my roommate, figured as a Were I was a bit faster than the human stunt man. I think my math was off somehow. I slipped and landed wrong.”

  “That’s where you messed up. You have to keep all four feet firmly on the ground like the Gods intended. None of that jumping stuff.”

  “I’ve seen you jump before.”

  “Of course you have. I have equine blood in me. We like to jump. One of my cousins, twice removed, used to participate in competition. He was a dresser champion.”

  Chuck looked down at the tiny Unicorn. “I think you mean dressage.”

  “That is what I said, Dresser. He jumped over fences and stuff.”

  “It’s called dressage.”

  “What is?”

  “The jumping, it’s called dressage.”

  “I know that. Why are you telling me about it?”

  Chuck just covered his face with his hands and groaned.

  An hour later Chuck had the TV on, a root beer in his hand, all was nice and comfortable on Cat’s bed. The game was about to begin when Fergus hopped up on the bed.

  “Hey, can I have a root beer?”

  “No. How did you get up here?” Chuck looked over the edge of the bed. “It has to be a foot and a half.”

  “I jumped.”

  “No, really? How did you do it?”

  “I jumped. It’s the same way I open the door.”

  Chuck pointed at the door. “That door?”

  “Do you see another door? Of course, that door.”

  “Why do you need the door open?”

  “So I can get lunch. Do you want something? It’s on me.”

  “I’d love a pizza or a couple of pizza’s, but I’m broke right now. I have snacks.” He held up a bag of popcorn.

  The toy barn made a mooing sound as the door opened and then closed. Chuck stared at the desk for a moment. “Hey, Fergus? How did you get up there? It’s got to be four or five feet!”

  “I told you. I jumped!”

  Chuck stared at the desk and tried to do the math in his head. The amount of pounds per square inch that the Unicorn would have to compress to jump that high or the possibility that Unicorns could fly? He was torn. Chuck was starting to formulate a third option when there was a knock at the door. Hopping over to it he looked thru the peephole. There was a pizza guy out there. He opened the door and stared at the red and black striped man.

  “Fergus in?”

  “How do you know Fergus?” The pizza man handed Chuck two pizza boxes and Styrofoam container.

  “I make deliveries here all the time. Fergus is cool.”

  The pizza man turned and walked away. “Hey, what do we owe you?”

  “It’s already paid for!”

  Chuck closed the door and stared at the pizza in his hands. “Fergus, how did you do that?”

  “I called them from my phone. I use it as a TV, but it’s still a phone.”

  “How did you pay?”

  “I charged it to the phone account. I do it almost every day.”

  “But how? Agatha must see the bill.”

  “Nope, Cat, helped her get the phones, but Grandma pays the bill on it. You’re not going to rat me out are you?”

  Looking at the free pizza in his hand Chuck said. “Nope.”

  ~~~~~

  When Cat and I returned from our girl's day, we found Chuck sound asleep on the bed in front of the TV. Fergus was asleep next to him.

  “I wonder what they did all day?”

  I smiled at Cat. “I have no idea. Who knows what Fergus does all day?”

  Trick or Treat

  T S Paul

  Cat and Agatha’s first Halloween at the Academy.

  Fall is my favorite time of the year. It’s not just because of Halloween. In my world, we call it Samhain and pronounce it like ‘Sowen.’ It’s the dark time, the end of the solar year. In the ancient world, it marked the end of harvest and the beginning of Winter. It is during this long night that the veil between the worlds is the thinnest. Many of my folk believe it is the time for communicating with the dead. We leave offerings of food and other items to honor those lost to us by death in the last year. Mundanes borrowed the idea of knocking on doors to beg for treats. They used to play tricks to entertain and gather food for the harvest feasts from the people in ancient times. It is what Trick-or-Treating has become today. As a child, I loved to dress up and hand out candy with Grandmother. We are Witches, it is our duty and tradition to honor both the Gods and those who have gone before us.

  That was all back in Maine. Here in Virginia, at the Academy, things are a little bit different. This is my second year at the FBI school. Cat and I volunteered for the Harvest Faire on the Marine Base. Director Mills thought it might provide some goodwill with them. So, we set up booths and helped to provide a safe holiday for the children and dependents of the Military. Both Cat and I thought it was a wonderful idea. Which is why we made Chuck do all the toting and hauling.

  “I don’t see why I have to do all this. Isn’t it your jobs, as organizers of this thing?” Chuck could barely be seen under the tables and chairs we loaded him down with.

  “It is, but we are just little girls, but you are all big and strong, Chuck.” I made a girlish giggle as I said that.

  “Uh, huh. Sure, you are. I’ve seen you do some crazy stuff there Witchy Poo.”

  I made a face and stuck my tongue out at him. He knows I hate being called that.

  “Just set that stuff here of the curb.” Chuck set everything down. I gave him another little girl look. “Just one more little trip? Cat needs help getting the cooler and food over here. I promise I will call in that order so you and the guys can have your pizza party.”

  He took in my pitiful look and deflated. “Fine. Just one more trip. I want pepperoni.” He grumped.

  It ended up being three more trips, but Chuck was a good sport about it. I called in the order and Anchors a Weigh said they’d sent their guy over with pizza for the boys. Cat and I laughed that we got set up early before anyone else. We figured if we were going to be in charge, we should set a good example of the right way to set up a booth.

  The forensic group was the next to set up. They had a neat booth with fingerprint painting and gummy worm cupcakes. I thought I even saw jello molds in the shape of brains over there. The kids will love that! Our Academy Chef and his crew set up a warming station this year. They left the goodies to us. His crew was planning to hand out coffee and spice teas to warm up the parents and kids. Fall in Virginia can be cold at night. All my friends volunteered when they heard we were going to run things this year. The last booth to arrive was the recruiting one. The B’s were running it this year. They were so cute dressed in minion outfits. They kept running over to us saying ‘Hello’ all the time. I can’t be the only one that thinks they look like snack cakes with feet, can I?

  “Hey, it’s startin
g to get dark.” I looked up at the sky.

  “Yup, it is. Just like last night.”

  Cat gave me a push that almost made me lose my footing. I forget how strong she is. “No, you said you would light the booth up when it got dark.”

  “Oh, that. It’s not dark yet.” I smiled to myself. She was fun to mess with.

  She coughed and pointed at the booth. It was hard to take an elf with cute, sparkly wings seriously, but I didn’t want to see the giant cat version of her here.

  “Fine. It’s not quite dark enough, but I can do a few things. Do you want fog too?” We had these really cool pumpkins the Wolf boys back at the dorm helped us carve. We set the pumpkins in front of the booth and on each corner. I thought it might be cool to have scary lights in them and fog drifting around. I knew the spell for those effects but had not done them without Grandmother’s supervision yet.

  I said a small prayer to my Goddess of choice and recited the spell from memory to get the spooky flickering lights. When I opened my eyes, the pumpkins all had a really cool purple flames that acted just like a real candle.

  “Damn, Aggy that is so cool!” Cat stuck her hand in one of the pumpkins and wasn’t burned.

  “It’s an illusion. I set a time limit for three hours, but they might burn longer than that. That was the easy part. I’ve never attempted the fog spell. Are you sure you want it?”

  “Go for it. What’s the worst thing that can happen?” I was glad Cat had so much faith in me.

  I could think of a lot of things, but I went for it anyway. If I was going to overcome my spell issues I needed to do actual spells. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the idea of pumpkins that had wisps of fog coming from them. Very slowly I cast the spell I created. I felt the Magick leave my body and go… somewhere. I opened one eye and stared at the front of the booth. Tiny wisps of fog were starting to come out of all the pumpkins.

  “I did it!” I started jumping around. Cat jumped with me until we attracted too much attention. My creepy artificial fog was slowly gliding along the ground, giving the entire area a spooky appeal.

  We heard voices and looked to see children and parents streaming into the square we were set up on. Our booth attracted the most children. It was a good thing we stocked up on cookies! For almost a full hour we talked to parents and kids as they came past our booth. Finally, Director Mills made an appearance.

  “Girls! Your booth is awesome! I love the lights. The fog is such a cool effect. Have you had a good response?”

  We looked at each other and laughed. “Yes! We packed in twenty cases of wrapped cookies, and we have barely two left. I think every kid in town has one.”

  “Wonderful! How are the other booths doing?”

  “The last time I looked, the Chef and his crew were having a party over there. The Techs got rave reviews for their brains and creepy fingers. Everyone is having a great time.” I smiled at her. This carnival reminded me of home.

  “I’m going to circulate” She thanked us again, and we turned back to the horde of children.

  Many of the costumes stuck out. There were Witches and Weres everywhere. Cartoon characters were popular this year too, as were some TV show classics. I found myself giving the trek finger salute and saying I was a leaf on the wind to several children and adults. We were down to our last couple of cookies when two really cute little girls approached us.

  “Trick or treat!”

  “Hi there, would you girls like a cookie?”

  “Yes, Please.” I smiled at the short blond girl. She was dressed in a military outfit that I didn’t recognize. In her right hand, she held a flaming volleyball along with her treat bag.

  “What is your costume? I like your ball.”

  “I’m Athena Lee! She’s my favorite space character. This is Wilson!” She held up the ball.

  “I don’t know that one. Is she a TV show?”

  The little girls looked at me seriously. “No silly, she’s the hero of my favorite book series.”

  I looked up at the girl’s mother, and she smiled at me. Wow, kids still read books? I looked over at her friend. She was dark haired and was dressed in a black Cat-suit. I could see vampire teeth in her mouth and figured she was from one of my favorite movies series.

  “Who are you tonight?” I expected her to say Selene but got a surprise.

  “I’m Bethany Anne. She is the Queen!” The little girl gave me an imperious look. Oh boy, did her parents have a tough one there!

  Her mother smiled at me too. “She’s the heroine in a book series she reads. Her father left them out where she could find them, and she read the whole series. Between you and me, I popped him a good one for that. They have way too much bad language in them.”

  “At least she’s reading. Sounds like you have a smart one there.”

  “We do thanks.” The parents and their book reading brood stepped away. I looked at Cat she was half asleep. It had been a long couple of hours.

  “Agatha? How did you get the statue to make fog?” I spun around at Chuck's voice.

  “Hey, Chuck. Come to help us break down?”

  “No. Crap. I guess I can help.” He looked at the ground. Poor Chuck.

  “Here, I saved you a cookie.” I handed him the last one.

  “So how did you do it?”

  “Do what?” I asked.

  “Get the statue to make smoke.”

  “What statue?”

  “The one over there.” He pointed past the booth down the path to the park.

  “There is a statue over there?” This was my first time in this part of the reserve.

  “Yeah, it’s called Pumpkin Square for a reason. There is a fall themed statue in the park with a big pumpkin on it.”

  “Uh, oh.” I tried to remember the lines of the spell I cast. I had been facing in that direction When I cast. How was I supposed to know there was a stone pumpkin over there?

  “Agatha, what’s wrong?” Cat saw the look of shock on my face.

  “Did you know this park is called Pumpkin Square, and that there is a stone pumpkin over there?” I pointed to the park.

  “Yes. Why?”

  “You know that pumpkin spell I did?”

  “You didn’t!” She squeaked.

  All I did was stare at her.

  “Can you turn it off?”

  “I don’t know how! The way the spell works is it causes the pumpkins to rot quickly, and the spell disappears as they do. A stone pumpkin would last forever.”

  “What do we do? Should we tell someone?” Cat looked around the square. Everyone was ignoring us as they broke everything down.

  “Run?”

  Cat laughed until she realized I was serious. “Maybe they won’t notice?”

  “It might wear off. Let’s pack up and get out of here.” We packed as quickly as possible throwing the smoking Orange squash in the dumpster.

  Chuck grabbed all he could and headed for our borrowed van. We passed the Director on the way out.

  “Thanks for all your work girls!”

  “We had fun, Director Mills. See you back at the Academy.” We loaded the borrowed van and drove back.

  “Do you think your spell will wear off?”

  “No. We are in big trouble.”

  “What's this ‘We,’ Witch girl?” Cat smiled at me. I knew she was kidding.

  I was almost asleep when the call came in. Checking my phone, I grimaced. Over a dozen messages from the Director just about set my phone on fire. It seems the local fire department was called out to extinguish a dumpster fire and a statue that would not stop ‘smoking’ no matter how much water they poured on it.

  Oops?

  Prancer

  T S Paul

  Sometimes Unicorns should be seen and not heard. Or both!

  I was sound asleep when I first heard it. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tappitty tap. I blinked my eyes a few times and looked over at my digital clock. Three AM? What by all the Gods is that noise?

  “Cat, is tha
t you making that noise to drive me more insane?” I didn’t even look in her direction. I just stared at the ceiling.

  “It’s not me. I thought it was you, Agatha! I was getting ready to throw something at you.”

  The noise started up again. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tappitty tap. Both Cat and I turned our heads and tracked in on the sound. It was coming from Fergus’s barn.