Cat's Night Out: Tails from the Federal Witch

by T S Paul

  “If he’s doing this to piss me off again, I swear it will be tiny Unicorn steaks for lunch!” Cat had sat up and was glaring over at me.

  I clicked on the bedside light and instantly regretted it. “Ugh, light.” I rubbed my eyes and stared at Cat for a moment. The noise started up again. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tappitty tap.

  “Fergus! What in the nine hells are you doing in there!” I stood and walked the three steps or so over to his barn. Not bothering with the door, I opened up the top and peered inside.

  “Hey, I’m naked in here!”

  “You’re always naked. Stop using that as an excuse. What in the name of Elton John are you doing in there?”

  I looked down into the barn, and he had cleared a space in the middle for a dance floor. There was actually a disco ball hanging from the loft. That wasn’t the strangest thing in the barn, however.

  “What have you done to yourself?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know exactly what I mean?” Cat tapped me on the shoulder.

  “What has he done now?” She had gotten out of bed and was staring at the barn.

  “Take a look for yourself.”

  Cat pushed past me and peered down into the barn. “HAHAHAHA! He’s your Unicorn, but that’s one of the funniest damn things I’ve ever seen.” She was still laughing as she put on a robe and left the room.

  My normally white with blue hair Unicorn, was now pink with violet hair and sparkles! “What happened to your Mohawk? Are those hair extensions? Where do you get hair extensions for a Unicorn?”

  “I have resources.”

  “Why oh why, are they pink and sparkly?”

  “It’s for my dance routine?”

  “Why are you dancing?”

  “I got the idea from my new favorite TV show?”

  “What TV show? Are you wearing makeup? How did you put lipstick on, you don’t have hands?” He looked like some sort of cartoon show horse.

  “It’s called ‘Prancing Pony Makeovers.’ I found it on late night TV. They get older ponies and give them a complete makeover.”

  “Really? And why are you dancing?”

  “I saw it on another show. ‘Dancing with the Rodeo Stars.’ It looked like fun!”

  “That’s it, no more late night TV for you! I’m calling Grandmother and canceling your phone.”

  “I won’t dance anymore at night I promise! Don’t take my only source of entertainment, please?”

  Looking down at his pitiful made up face, I grimaced and caved. “Fine. No more dancing and I mean it. I’ll let Cat eat you, if you do.”

  Cat came back into the room and got back into bed. “Is he going to stop?”

  “Yup. He promised this time. You can eat him if he starts doing it again.” I laid back down and turned off the light. As my eyes closed, I thought to myself, where DID he get the makeup from?

  Jacks on the Run!

  T S Paul

  This is Chuck’s story of how he transported the Jackalopes to Kentucky and what happened afterward.

  How hard can it be? Hire two FBI Academy students to move thirty pairs of Jackalopes in a rental truck back to Kansas. Jackalopes, it seems, are smarter than the average Bunny.

  “Chuck how many of these things did we catch?”

  “I’m not sure. Maybe a hundred?” Chuck was scratching his head. He was standing outside the FBI dorm in a field filled with pissed off Jackalopes in cheap rabbit cages.

  “Do we have to give them all away? I mean, I could go for a Jack and cheese right about now.” Mongo was eying both the grill and the Jacks.

  “Down Mongo! We’ll stop at KFC on the way out of town. Remember how hard it was to catch these things? I’m not doing that again on purpose.”

  “Aww, you could just get that cute Witch friend of yours to magic you up some more.” Mongo poked him with a grin.

  “She’s not MY Witch, dude. She would not find that funny at all. We are Packmates, that’s all.”

  “You might have a better chance with her than with Cat.” His friend hinted.

  The big shifter started laughing. “Cat? She would make me eat my own hand if I even asked her out. Have you seen her other form?”

  “I heard the story, but she can’t be THAT big can she?” The WereBear just shook his head as he peered at one the Jacks in the cage.

  “She’s scary is what she is. I must have been the world's biggest idiot to have even thought of challenging her. She’s an Alpha, so I assumed she might be big. I had no idea! I’m lucky my cat yielded.”

  The Jack in the cage charged and got his antlers stuck. Startled, Mongo jumped back with a yell.

  “Watch those things! They bite.” Chuck grinned at the antics of his friend. WereBears were a bit rare and were almost never seen outside of The Dominion of Canada or Alaska. Too many Mundanes got them confused with real bears and shot them. Mongo’s family was a bit special. They escaped Russia by the hair on their head during the end of the Demon War. Theirs was one of the last refugee boats before the Soviets cracked down on the country.

  The WereBears were too large to be useful to the Empire of Japan. Clothing was impossible to find, and they couldn’t speak the language very well. Mongo’s father found work on a ship headed to the east, and he booked passage for the rest of the family. They almost went to the Dominion of Canada, but the laws for Were in the British Empire were too strict, so America it was

  “I like rabbits that fight back! You’re sure we can’t eat some of these?” Mongo begged.

  Chuck sighed. “We really only need thirty pairs to take to Kentucky.”

  “I’ll get the grill fired up!” Mongo ran off toward the dorm. Chuck just laughed to himself. Agatha helped to create a monster this time. Checking his phone he smiled. Jacob should be here pretty soon with the panel truck Cat’s father, Mr. Moore rented. They would pick the thirty best pairs and load up. It should only take a couple of hours, Mongo might be right, a Jack and cheese sandwich might be good about now.

  A bit more than several hours later…

  “Why did you let me eat that last one?” Mongo rubbed his bloated stomach for the fifth time.

  “Let you? Mongo, you told everyone you were going for the record. Are you going to be OK? I can stop for some Pepto or something.” The big bear was slumped over in his seat still rubbing his stomach.

  “Nyet! Just drive. I’m fine.”

  “Sounds good, let’s get the party on the road. It’s about eleven hours to Cadiz.” Chuck put the truck in gear and stepped on the gas. Robert, Cat’s dad had paid him to transport the Jacks to his home in Cadiz, Kentucky. Why he wanted them was still a puzzle to him.

  Two hours later…

  “Ugh! Dude, did you have to fart inside the truck!” Chuck was standing on the side of the road gasping for breath. Mongo let one fly a couple of minutes ago that made him almost drive off the road.

  “No more Jack and cheese for you! I’m surprised you’re still walking around stinking like that!” Chuck grabbed hold of a road sign and tried not to puke his guts out. The road sign said ‘Shenandoah National Park,' next ten miles.

  “It’s not that bad.” Mongo was flapping his shirt trying to fan out the truck cab.

  “You must be immune then. Since we’re stopped, let’s check on the Jacks.” They stepped around the back and pulled up the door. Several large, horned and furry creatures, knocked both young men to the ground.

  “What the hell! Catch them!” Chuck yelled at Mongo. The fleeing Jacks were out the door and past the two of them faster than any regular rabbits on Earth.

  “They are gone, Chuck! How did they get out?”

  “You’re asking me? I thought you locked the cages?”

  “I did.” The back of the truck sagged as Mongo’s large form climbed inside. Ten of the previously neatly stacked cages were down on the truck deck smashed and broken open.

  “What escaped, males or females?”

  “I don’t know. How am I supposed
to tell that?” Mongo stared at Chuck in surprise.

  “Remember when we sexed them before the cookout? I told you to put them in the truck that way so we could tell Mr, Moore which was which.”

  “Oh, that. Yeah, about that. I sort of got the the newbs to load the truck for me.” Mongo looked down at the floor.

  “Dude. That is so not cool. Now we have no idea which is which! Damn it, Mongo why?”

  “I wanted to go get a beer, so they said they would load the truck if I brought them some too.”

  “You bought freshmen beer? Mongo they’re just kids! You’re in the FBI now, not high school!”

  “I know, I know. I didn’t actually give them any. They do look young this year don’t they?”

  “Which newbs were they?” Chuck now shook his head at his friend.

  “They’re the ones in the Sea Scout program. They called themselves Tritons or something.”

  “I know the ones you’re talking about. Tritons are what male mermaids are called.”

  “Really? I thought those were only sailors like that kid’s movie.” Mongo stacked the broken cages in the corner of the truck.

  “That’s only legend. Or at least I think it is. We could ask the Mer sisters. They would tell you if you asked. I think they like you.”

  “Thelma, Molly, and Geia, those sisters? No, thank you. They would eat me alive!” Mongo shuddered.

  “We need to get moving. Let’s go.”

  Mongo drummed his fingers on the dashboard as they got back on the highway. “Do you think we will get into trouble for letting those escape?”

  “No, I don’t think so. What worries me is where they got out. That was a Tennessee State Park! If Agatha gets in trouble, I’m telling her it was your fault. Maybe it was only males that escaped.”

  Eight hours later at a ranch house in Cadiz…

  “You made it! Good work Chuck!” Robert Moore was dressed in hunting gear.

  “Yes, Sir. This is Mongo Medved he goes to school with us.”

  Robert looked the tall student up and down and gave a sniff. “Bear?”

  “Yes, Sir.” Mongo looked down at the WereCat Alpha.

  “I think my daughter may have mentioned you. It’s surprising to see a bear this far south. Most of you like the colder parts of the country, do you?”

  “Yes, Sir. My parents tried living up north, but they said it was too much like Russia. Father likes to say that there are too many Chefs in the kitchen up there.”

  Robert started laughing. “That young man is a good description of the Ursa Packs. A good one indeed. I like your Father already. What does he do?” Robert Moore looked keenly at the young Were.

  “He’s runs of the best Barbecue restaurants in Huntsville, Alabama. It’s called Bare Naked Butts. Mom hates the name, but he's about four blocks from the college at home, so business is good.”

  Still laughing, Robert clapped the bear on the back. “I see a trip to Huntsville in my future. If the FBI gig doesn’t work out for you, come see me Mongo. I can always use smart, well trained Weres.”

  Mongo pulled his head back in surprise. “Really? Thank you, Sir.”

  “It’s Robert. Call me Robert. You to Chuck. I know you technically belong to Catherine but call me if you need something. Now let’s see what you brought me.”

  “Uh, we had a small problem just before we left Virginia. Some of them escaped.”

  “Did they really? How many?” Robert looked at Chuck as he pulled the door open.

  “Ten total. We aren’t sure how many of each. They sort of got mixed up when the truck got loaded.” The Jacks began to thrash in the cages as the door came up. Several had antlers already stuck.

  “So how many do you have?” He stared into the truck.

  “We have about fifty of them in here.”

  “Fifty? Excellent. That should be enough.”

  “Can I ask why you wanted them? If it’s a barbecue we could have cleaned and prepared them back at school.”

  “No, it’s not for a cookout. I’m going to release them. The game is drying up in our area. The Mundanes still hunt here, and much of the area over there is State property.” He pointed off to the West. “They should make for good hunting for our people don’t you think? There isn’t a sign, but this is a private lodge our Pack runs as an investment. Big money to be made in hunts.”

  “Won’t the Government say anything?” Chuck frowned at his Pack leader's father.

  “Nope. If you read the laws that were passed on the subject, Private land is exempt. It’s all legal. Except for maybe the ones that got away. With any luck, they were all males and won’t breed. Come on inside. My crew will unload the truck for you. Maybe you can give me some Jack recipes.”

  Seven hours away, several pregnant Jackalope females, hopped through a protected forest. The only predators that could have prevented their spread had been hunted to extinction.

  Cat’s Night Out

  T S Paul

  While Agatha was on her Probi mission Cat had one of her own. A Serial Killer stalked the South killing entire families in their sleep. Sometimes it takes a Monster to catch a Monster.

  Chapter 1

  When I was told I was going ‘into the pool’ I assumed it wasn’t a literal pool. I was almost right. This was not what I expected my new internship with the investigative branch of the FBI to entail. I wanted to be doing something like my pack-mate’s Agatha and Chuck are. It didn’t matter to the Agents in charge that I was a graduate, an Alpha, or even a girl. I was a Newb and a Probi. My current assignment was to review previous cases and ‘get a clue’ to methodology. I sat in a room among a pool of other Agents in the same situation as I. Many of these people were graduates of the other half of the Academy, the one for older applicants. I was the youngest person in the room.

  “Hey hand me a new box.”

  “Are you speaking to me?” I stared at the older Agent sitting across from me. He was staring at the pile of file boxes next to me.

  “See anyone else next to you? Hand me another box.”

  “I guess they don’t teach courtesy at the Academy.” I grabbed a heavy looking box and tossed it at him.

  “Oof! Hey that was heavy!” He set it down at his feet and started picking through it. “You’re new. Expect to be here for a while. They are very picky for something like this.”

  “Aren’t we all Agents?”

  “We are. But new Agents are basically gophers until someone signs off on your promotion to actual Agent. Expect to be getting coffee a lot.” He didn’t look to be a happy soul.

  “How long have you been a Probi?”

  “Two years. I was a sheriffs deputy in a little Georgia town called Hahira. I thought to expand my knowledge base and joining the FBI was a way to do it. I’ve been stuck in this room since graduation!”

  “Sorry I asked.” I smiled at him.

  “It has its advantages though. I have a nice place with digital TV and a water bed. Would you like to come over and check it out?”

  I couldn’t believe this guy was trying to pick me up and during a case even. It irritated me enough to let the Alpha in me show just a bit.

  “Grrrrrrr.”

  “Did you just growl at me? You must be a real tiger in bed! We get a lunch break in a few minutes we can get over there and be back in plenty of time.”

  Claws shot out of hand and ripped the box in my hands completely in half. My eyes gleamed yellow and my growl got louder. “Gooo Away!”

  The older man finally took the hint and nearly fell out of his chair. He left a wet spot as he ran from the room.

  ~~~~~

  “Agent Nixon? We need you to add a probationary Agent to your team.”

  “Sir, a probi? Now? Isn’t this a serial killer we are chasing? Why add a newb now?”

  The Special Agent in Charge just stared at his most senior Agent. “You know as well as I do that when Washington speaks we listen.”

  “Do I need to just pick one or is there someo
ne special?”

  “Special. Washington has their eye on this one for some reason. Just do it. Have her file notes or something.”