Still Air

by Freya Barker

  Over the last few days, the guilt started niggling at me. I was safe, hopeful, and even happy, and somehow that went down the wrong way. It’s so fucking frustrating to understand exactly what is happening on a conscious level, but to be unable to control it. I’m starting to plan for a future; one that suddenly seems possible. Inevitable, even. But for the death of my son, I wouldn’t be here. But for the early end to his sad life, I would likely still be hiding in my work, purposely keeping to myself. It makes for conflicting emotions, like being caught between a rock and a hard place. I know the only way is forward, but it fucking hurts.

  Dino noticed the change in my mood last night when I got here, but he didn’t push. He’d asked me to bring a bag for the weekend. I’d been looking forward to it, so I did my best to enjoy the family’s banter. This morning though, I can’t hold back the tears, the loss of my child cutting through my morning drowsiness.

  “I’ll be fine,” I assure him. “I’m gonna have a quick shower and pull myself together.”

  Dino leans in and kisses the tears from my cheeks before moving to my mouth, chasing the last of my tears away.

  “I’ll get some coffee going,” he says, swinging his legs over the side, giving me an eyeful of glorious ass, as he bends down to pick some sweatpants off the floor. A little wistful sigh escapes me as he pulls them on. His amused eyes meet mine over his shoulder. “You liked that, huh?”

  “Hell yeah. I may be mopey, but I’m not dead.”

  “Oh, honey, I can vouch for that. You scratched the fuck out of my back last night,” he says with a cheeky grin, as he pulls a shirt over his head.

  “Whatever.” I dismiss him with a wave of my hand, but inside he makes me feel lighter, and I have to bite back a smile when he blows a kiss before disappearing down the hall.

  -

  I stayed.

  He asked me to, and I didn’t have it in me to fight it. I wanted to stay. My house feels lonely. The only reason I keep going back there is because I feel I have to. That it’s too soon to spend so much time here, but the truth is that I like it. I like the music filtering from Gina’s room, the sound of gunshots as Jonas has his PlayStation on too loud. It’s lived in, comfortable, with family pictures on the walls and throw pillows on the couch. I actually appreciate the fact that Dino makes no attempt to hide the fact that Jeannie lived here. It’s important for the kids to know that even though their mom is pretty fucked up right now, she was and is still part of this family.

  I’ve never really been invested enough in any kind of entanglement to feel jealousy, but even now that I am invested—fully so—it’s apparently not part of my ‘make-up.’

  After Dino left this morning, I actually spent some time on his computer, looking at the value of houses in my area. Just to get an idea, should I decide to sell at some point. Crap—who am I kidding? At this point I’m pretty sure should Dino asked me outright to move in with him, I would. I’m over fifty; I’m past the point of caring what it might look like to the outside world. How many of us get another shot at building a future at this time in their life?

  “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” my grandmé used to tell me, when I would complain about the bags of second hand clothing a neighbor would drop off for us. It seems appropriate here. Just because someone has discarded something, doesn’t mean it can’t be the perfect fit for somebody else. Like Dino and his kids are a perfect fit for me. I just need to know I’m one for them too. Jonas and even Gina—although a little less obvious—seem okay with me being around. They’ve been downstairs a few times, Gina even watching some TV while I was on the computer. When I’d asked her if she wanted to run the store to pick up some things for dinner with me, she hesitated for a minute. She looked as if she wanted to, but ended up giving her head a quick shake before disappearing upstairs again.

  “What are you cooking?”

  Jonas walks into the kitchen and lifts the lid off a pot of the jambalaya I’m making because he liked it so much last time. I’m not sure about Gina, but I’m pretty sure if she doesn’t like that, she’ll like the mango crème brûlée I’m putting together for dessert. Jonas turns to me with a smile on his face.

  “Is that the same stuff you cooked before?”

  “It is,” I confirm, but before I can elaborate, the door bell rings.

  “I’ll get it,” Jonas says, already walking out of the kitchen. I keep stirring the custard in the double boiler I was excited to find in Dino’s cupboard until I hear Jonas’ raised voice. I can’t tell what’s being said, but I’m worried about who he might be having words with. I quickly turn off the burner, move the pan off the heat source, and go check.

  I recognize the bedraggled looking woman on the doorstep; Jeannie. Her son is bent down, his face in hers as he loudly tells her to “Fuck off! ”

  “Jonas!” I call out, my heart aching at the flinch on the woman’s face at his words. But the moment she spots me, the sad teary look on her face morphs into an angry, calculating sneer.

  “What do you think you’re doing in my house?” she hisses, clearly not pleased to see me. I can’t say I blame her; I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be happy either, finding a strange woman with my children. Then again, I wouldn’t have bailed on my kids like she did. Even when a good case could be made to walk away from Derrick at some point, I never could.

  “Pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as your house anymore. And if I remember correctly, you’re not allowed to come here,” Jonas answers for me, and I put a calming hand on his shoulder. This is looking to get ugly unless I can calm things down.

  “It’s okay, Jonas,” I tell him, but that just seems to anger his mother more.

  “Don’t tell my son what to do! If you think for one minute you can come in here and take my place, you’re in for a surprise. Dino will welcome me back with open arms; he’ll do anything for his kids.” The last is almost spit at me, the venom obvious in her voice.

  “You’re wrong...” an unexpected soft voice comes from behind me as Gina steps around me and places herself in front of me.

  “Baby,” Jeannie is suddenly all smiles for her daughter. “I came to see you. I thought you were coming to visit me last week?” Gina shoots a quick glance over her shoulder at her brother and me.

  “What the fuck, Gina?” Jonas turns on his sister. “Have you been talking to her?”

  “I...I didn’t want to...” The poor girl is close to tears. “She came to school—I didn’t know what to do.”

  I don’t notice Jeannie stepping over the threshold until she grabs Gina hard by the upper arm, shaking her. “You didn’t want to? That’s not what you told me!” The woman is screeching now, and I take a step closer when I notice the wild, dilated look in her eyes. The stupid bitch is high as a kite.

  “You’ll want to take your hands off her, Jeannie,” I caution her.

  “My daughter, and I can damn well do what I want.” I didn’t expect her to listen to me, but I also didn’t expect her to put her other arm around the crying girl and start backing away toward the door.

  Jonas makes a move as if to step in, but I quietly caution him. “Jonas, no. Go call the police, honey.” He looks at his sister and then at me before stalking past me into the house. Jeannie’s eyes flick back and forth between Jonas’ retreating back and me. Gina struggles in her arms. “Let her go, Jeannie. You’re hurting her,” I plead, hoping to moderate an already explosive situation.

  “I have a right to see my babies!”

  “Not if you’re hurting them, Jeannie. Look at your daughter—she’s scared.” I’m inching closer as I talk, ready to grab for Gina should Jeannie drag her down the porch steps. Slowly I sidestep until we’ve almost reversed our positions, her back is now mostly turned to the front door, and I’m blocking the steps. She blinks her eyes a few times before she lowers her eyes to her daughter, only to have them come up again to me.

  “You don’t belong here,” she repeats to me, but her voice is wavering a little. Her eyes da
rt around, slightly panicked when she realizes I’ve blocked her path. The woman is tripping on something and I’m worried about her.

  I try to keep a straight face as Jonas steps out behind his mother, he’s a good head taller than her already. “The cops are on their way.” Hearing his voice, Jeannie swings around, finally letting Gina go. She makes a beeline for me, her arms wrapping tightly around my waist and burying her face against my chest. The poor child is sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Mom,” Jonas says softly. “You need help.”

  Dino

  Jesus what a clusterfuck.

  When Jonas called, I could immediately hear from his voice that something was wrong. I had my coat on before he finished telling me what was going on. Ruby rushed me out of the kitchen, telling me she’d cover for me.

  By the time I get home, there are two patrol cars out front. I can see Jeannie in the back of one of them. I ignore her and instead rush up the steps and into the house, where I expect my kids to be. They are. I’m surprised to find Gina on the couch, leaning into Pam. Jonas is sitting at the table, talking to two officers. When he sees me, he indicates his sister with a chin lift. Taking the direction, I lower myself on the couch beside her. The moment my ass hits the seat, she swings around and buries her body against my chest. My arms protectively curl around her as she mumbles sorry over and over again through her tears..

  “It’s okay, Princess. You’re okay,” I soothe her, my eyes finding Pam’s over her head.

  “Hey,” she says on a tight little smile.

  “Hey. Thanks for being there for the kids. What happened?” Jonas told me the gist of it, but I wanted to hear it from Pam. Instead it’s Gina who answers, her voice muffled by my shirt. “I can’t hear, baby.” She lifts her head and looks up at me through tear-filled eyes before leaning her back against Pam, who tucks an arm around her. Whatever my daughter has to say, she clearly needs the support. I’m not sure whether to be upset or happy about that. “Gina?” I gently prompt Gina.

  “She was at the fence at school with Ben’s mother, calling me over.” I can see Pam’s face tighten at that tidbit of information. “Well, Mom was, Ben’s mom was arguing with him. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to ignore her, but she started crying, and I felt bad. She said she missed me and that she wanted to see me. I told her I’d think about it, just to get rid of her, it was embarrassing—she was embarrassing. That’s when Ben started talking to me.” Her eyes look up from under her lashes and she lightly shrugs her shoulders. “I’d noticed him before, but he’d never actually said anything to me.”

  From the tone of her voice I can tell that ‘notice’ is a euphemism for ‘crush’ for a thirteen-year-old.

  “Go on,” I encourage her, reaching out to sweep her bangs off her forehead.

  “Anyway, so a few days after that, Ben asked if I’d come to his house after school.”

  “Wait.” I lifted my hand to interrupt her. “Where was I? How come I didn’t know this?” Gina’s face turns beet red

  “You were at work. Jonas was out with his buddies,” she says timidly, before going on the defensive. “It’s not like you guys noticed whether I was here or not,” she says and it cuts. Because the truth of it is, I didn’t really notice, I just assumed she’d be home; sweet, easy, and compliant.

  “Carry on, baby,” I prompt again.

  “Anyway, it was weird. Mom was there with some other people, one guy was hanging off her, and I’m pretty sure they were hammered. It looked like some kind of party and made me uncomfortable, so Ben got me out of there. He said he was sorry, he didn’t know his mom’s boyfriend and his buddies would be there. Mom followed me outside, being all nasty that I was leaving and making me feel guilty. So I gave her my number so she could call.”

  I’d given Gina a cell phone after Jeannie left so we could keep track of each other. Jonas had had one since fifteen, but we’d always thought Gina was too young.

  “She called me only once. It was during my lunch break, and she wanted to know if you were working. Said she needed to talk to you. I didn’t think anything of it, Daddy. It was the day she broke in. I’m so sorry,” she says as she breaks into tears again. Things become a little clearer to me. Her slow withdrawal after that, her moodiness. She felt responsible and it made me even angrier with Jeannie.

  “Listen to me. That had nothing to do with you. Your mom—shit, honey—there’s no easy way to say this; she’s a mess. She’s not well and hasn’t been for a while. If she wanted in the house so bad, she would’ve done so regardless. That’s not on you, it’s on her—and on her addiction.” Gina keeps her face pressed to Pam’s side until she lifts my little girl’s face with her hand.

  “Listen to your dad, Sweetie. He’s right. Nothing about this is your fault. Just get it all out,” Pam urges her.

  “After that I ignored her calls and they stopped for a bit.” Gina sits a little straighter and wipes her face on her sleeve. I want to reach out and pull her close, but she seems to feel safe with Pam at her back, so I resist. “I didn’t hear from her again until the week before Christmas. I didn’t check call display when I answered, and it was her. She told me she was sorry, begged me not to hang up and that it had all been a big mistake. She wanted to see me, so she could make it right again. Said she missed us terribly and had Christmas presents for us all, but that she was afraid to come to the house to drop them off. She sounded so sad. I told her I’d meet with her on Christmas Eve. Ben said he’d go with me when I told him, said he didn’t want me going alone. She told me to meet her at the Dunkin’ Donuts.”

  “On the south side? Main Street?” One of the police officers, who’d obviously been listening in, piped up, startling us all. Gina looked at me, and I gave her a little nod before she turned to the young man again with a nod of her own.

  “Across from the Knights Inn,” she confirms. “When we got there, she seemed upset Ben had come along. She tried to get me to come to her room—at the motel across the street—so she could give me the gifts, but insisted Ben wait for me at Dunkin’ Donuts. I told her I didn’t want to and she got so mad, the manager came to see what was going on. It was embarrassing. Mom started crying and making a scene again, when Ben told her we had to leave. Then she asked when she’d see me again, I told her maybe after Christmas.”

  Gina’s hands fiddle restlessly with the hem of her sweater, as she continues to explain that she and Ben had gotten into an argument over that on the way home on the bus. They’d not talked over Christmas, and when he messaged her on New Year’s Eve, wanting to see her to talk things out, she just had to go see him, despite the fact she was already grounded.

  The officers ask a few more questions about what happened when Jeannie showed up at the door, before getting ready to leave. The car that had Jeannie in the back is long gone by the time I show them out.

  “You may want to contact Detective Barnes,” I suggest to them. “He knows what happened before, knows about Jeannie. She walked away from a court-ordered stint in rehab and has been on the lam since.”

  Back inside, Pam has disappeared into the kitchen and Jonas is now sitting beside his sister on the couch. Both look up when I walk in and sit down on the coffee table in front of them.

  “Okay guys, here’s the deal; we’ve got a lot of shit going on in our lives, and it sometimes easier just to keep things from each other. Let’s not do that anymore. I don’t care if it means we get into arguments from time to time, I’d much rather that and resolve it, than feel the rug pulled out from under me every time I turn my back.” Both kids look guilty and that is not what I want. “What I’m trying to tell you is that the sure way to get through whatever life tosses at us, is to stick together. All of us.”

  “Does that include Pam?” Jonas asks, a smirk on his face. When I turn to see Gina’s reaction, she just seems curious.

  “Damn right it does. Which brings me to my next news; I’ve put things in place to expedite the divorce.” I watch the kids’ faces drop, but i
n light of my earlier lobby for honesty, I figure they should know where I’m at. “You know your mom and I have not worked for a long time, that’s not new. I can’t blame it all on the addiction, although it is a big part of it. The truth is, I will always love what your mom gave me—you two—she made me a father and that’s something I’ll always be grateful for. I hung in there this long because, despite the fact I may not have loved your mom the way I should have, I sure as hell love the family we created. With all my heart.”

  “And Pam, too,” Gina adds quietly, a tentative smile on her face.

  “Yes, Princess; and Pam, too.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Pam

  “Keep your door unlocked tonight; I need to talk to you.”

  I don’t know why his words have a flock of butterflies going ballistic in my stomach, all of a sudden. It’s not like we don’t talk or see each other almost daily. There’s something about the way he announces it this time, like it’s of utmost importance.

  For the past month or so, my life has felt suspended. Transitional, in a way; leaving my old life behind, and looking forward to my new one, but I’m just not there yet. Ever since I overheard Dino talking to his kids, the day their mother was hauled away in the back of a patrol car, I’ve been waiting. I’m hoping he’s just been holding off on moving forward to give the kids a chance to get used to the idea of sharing their life with me. We may have been emotionally ready for it that quickly, but it was a bit much to ask the kids to accept such a quick transition.

  I’m ready, though. I’ve already spoken to a real estate agent to get an idea of the current market, and he’s been blowing up my phone, wondering when I’ll be ready to list the house. Funny how I was so sure at the beginning of the year, but with time passing have started questioning things. Not my feelings; they’re clear as glass. And not really Dino’s feelings either, he tells me he loves me every chance he gets, and it never fails to leave me feeling lucky. No—it’s the worry that the mess with Jeannie earlier this year, has made him a little leery at the thought of tying himself to another woman. I wouldn’t blame him, an experience like that is enough of a deterrent for a lot of people to make that kind of commitment again, but it happened just as I had made up my mind I was ready for it. What if that incident got him thinking, and he decided not to want to take the risk again? Where would that leave me?