Still Air

by Freya Barker

  Despite the fact I’ve always been the one shying away from any kind of commitment, I’m not sure if just sharing parts of our lives would be enough for me. I want it all; the kids, the daily grind, Dino—I need all of it.

  “Where are you?” Marianne says, as she walks into my office at Florence House. “You look miles away.” Not miles, only a few short blocks, actually.

  “Just thinking,” I smile at her, making a decision on the spot. Regardless of what he has to tell me tonight, I’m ready to make a move forward. Ready to put everything on the line for what I want. “Are you still looking for a place?” I ask her, waving her to one of the chairs on the other side of my desk.

  “I am. Although I’ve had little success thus far. I think once I can say I’ve worked here a little more than just a few weeks, I’ll be taken a bit more seriously.”

  It’s tough, getting back on your feet after you lose everything. I know, I’ve been there a few times as well. In fact, I don’t think any of the women I know have managed without at least a small nudge in the right direction or a helping hand. Viv, who was able to connect with Gunnar, an old friend of her brother’s, who was able to set her up with work and even a place to stay for a bit. After that it was Syd’s turn, who was perhaps worse off than any of us when she took a leap of faith and took Viv’s proffered hand. Just last year it was Ruby. I wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to adjust to a regular life or trust anyone again, but she accepted a job from Syd and Gunnar, let Viv help her settle in her old apartment, and even allowed Tim to guide her the rest of the way.

  Paying it forward.

  It starts with one simple kindness and grows exponentially from there. I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it, and I whole-heartedly believe in it. Something that doesn’t have to cost much to give, sometimes no more than simple thoughtful gesture, but can be of immeasurable value to someone else.

  “I have an idea,” I forge ahead, putting myself out there. “I’m thinking of selling my house. It’s a beautiful little place, not very far from here, I bought two years ago.”

  “Why are you selling?”

  It’s a valid question, but one I’m not sure how to answer. Still I try.

  “I bought the place because I thought I needed to put down some roots, other than the shelter. I’d been living there for well over the decade. With Derrick in jail, I’d allowed myself to live in limbo. When the time came that he could be considered for parole, I realized I didn’t have a place for him to come to in case he’d be released.” It still feels a little weird talking freely about Derrick, when all these years I’d kept him a secret. Marianne shoots me a compassionate smile. She may not have lost a child to death, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand the pain of loss. “So I bought us a house. A place to start new. Except things didn’t turn out that way, and without him, that house can never be a home to me.”

  “So it doesn’t have anything to do with that scrumptious behemoth of a man and his fabulous kids?” she asks with a twinkle in her eyes.

  “Oh, I’m not denying that. They are why I realized it wasn’t about me being unable to settle, but about the house not being the right one for me to settle in. Not without Derrick,” I freely admit before getting back to my point. “But just because it’s not the right place for me to put down those roots, doesn’t mean it can’t be the perfect spot for you and Maria. It’s not big, but it has everything you need, plus it’s a short bus ride from the shelter, and in the summer it’s a comfortable fifteen or twenty minute walk. What do you think?”

  “It sounds wonderful, but Pam, you realize it doesn’t change my problem; the banks still won’t want to talk to me,” she points out, and I realize I left out an important part of my plan.

  “You won’t need the bank. You can be renting to own. We can get a proper contract drawn up, which I suggest we do for both our sakes, in which we can hammer out the details. I’ve already done a bit of research into fair market value, but I strongly suggest you do the same and figure out what you’ll be able to do month to month. We’ll make sure the contract keeps the arrangement entirely separate from our working relationship or our friendship.” I smile, pleased with my plan.

  “You’re serious...” Marianne says, a bit shell shocked and I chuckle.

  “Completely.”

  I burst out laughing when she jumps up and starts doing some kind of victory dance. Next thing I know, she’s digging through her purse, pulling out her phone.

  “Guess what?” she half yells into the phone, and I’m guessing she’s talking to Maria. “We’ve got a house...No, I’m not kidding, Pam’s giving us her house.”

  I shake my head as she walks out of my office, chattering on the phone, pulling the door closed behind her.

  I’m still smiling when I dive back into the accounting program, entering the expenses for the first month of the year. I’ve barely got two entries done when the door slams open, and Marianne strides right back up to my desk. She places both hands on top as she leans in.

  “For the record,” she whispers with a serious face. “Thank you. You are a true lifesaver.” I nod, but when she starts moving to the door, I call her back.

  “Marianne,” I wait for her to turn before I say, “so are you.”

  Dino

  All the way through the dinner rush, I think about the cryptic message I left with Pam. I could tell she’d been a little taken aback, and I know I’ve been skirting around some issues, causing her to be a little unsure where she stands. I plan to remedy all of that tonight.

  Last month, when it became clear Jeannie was going to be charged, I saw an opportunity and contacted my lawyer right away. With a little help from Detective Barnes, I’d been able to get in to see her, and have her sign off on the divorce and uncontested claim for custody of the kids my lawyer had quickly drawn up. I don’t feel guilty capitalizing on the fact she had clearly hit rock bottom. I’d do anything for my kids. I promised her if she completed rehab, and got herself back on her feet, I would not stand in her way if she wanted to see the children. She’d cried, apologized, pleaded, and I listened to it all—until she started mouthing off on Pam. That was the end for me and I made it clear.

  “That woman has done more for those kids, in the short time she’s known them, than you have in all of their lives. For Christ’s sake, Jeannie—she had to jump in to protect the kids from you.”

  My lawyer jumped in then, stopping me from doing any more potential damage. He pulled me aside and reminded me why we were there. She ended up signing, though.

  The wait after that was long. I had a hard time not jumping the gun but it felt important to close one chapter out before starting another. Better for the kids, but also fairer to Pam. This afternoon I finally got the call that the divorce certificate was signed, which is when I called Pam right away. It’s time.

  By the time I’m driving to her place, I’ve got to admit I’m a little nervous. It’s not that I think she doesn’t love me, because I know she does. Hell, I want to bet she loves my kids too, judging from the way she is with them, and more importantly, the way they are with her. I just don’t know if she’s ready to share a life with me, with us.

  She’s left the outside light on when I pull into the driveway, and I grab the cannoli I made for her this afternoon from the passenger seat. The door is unlocked, and inside, I’m surprised to find the house in complete disarray. There are boxes everywhere, and for a moment my heart stops in my throat. What if she’s leaving?

  “Pam?” I call out, not seeing her anywhere.

  “Here.” Her head pops up from behind the counter in the kitchen.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Packing.”

  “I can see that, Biscuit, but packing for what?” A brief look of insecurity flashes over her face before she masks it with a big smile.

  “I’m renting out my house to Marianne and Maria. This is not home for me, it never was.” She’s almost whispering on the last words.

  �
��I thought...” I let my voice trail off as I rephrase carefully. “I mean; how did you know?”

  Her eyebrows shoot up when I ask her that. “I’m confused,” she says. “How did I know what?” I realize this is going to hell in a handbasket if we don’t start communicating. It may not be the way I envisioned it, and I’m certainly not looking forward to possibly getting shut down, but here it goes.

  “Come sit down with me for a second.” I go into the kitchen and pull her up off the floor before leading her to the couch. I have to move a few boxes to make room to sit. “I’ll tell you why I’m here first, and then maybe you can explain to me why you are packing. Deal?” A tight nod is my only answer, I better make this good. “If it were up to me, I’d have asked you to move in with me the first time I got to kiss you. Or maybe when you cooked for me. I definitely wanted to when you cooked for us, sharing a little of your heritage with the kids and me. But each time something would happen—life would happen—and I didn’t want it to seem like it was just for convenience. That’s why, when Jeannie showed up that day, as a pretty drastic reminder that I had some things unfinished, I realized I didn’t want to ask until those were taken care of. You deserve a man who is yours in every way you want him, and a house no other woman can lay claim to ever again.” Pam’s eyes are tearing up a little and I take that as a good sign. “My divorce became final today. I already talked to the kids a while ago and they are on board. Which means, Biscuit, that I am now in a position where I’m able to offer you all that I have and all that I am.”

  I’m getting worried when she doesn’t say anything for a while, and only shock registers on her face, but then her lips spread into a blinding smile.

  “I might just take you up on that,” she says, her voice a little rough. “It seems only fair since I was planning on offering you all of me, if you’d have me.”

  I let out a relieved breath and lift her on my lap, where her arms automatically find their way around my neck and her forehead comes to rest against mine. “I’d be honored.”

  My hands, settled on her hips, slide up, skim the side of her breasts and slip around her back, pulling her closer.

  “Give me that beautiful mouth, honey. Let’s seal this deal.”

  Still smiling, her lips close over mine in a kiss that starts slow, sweet—but quickly picks up heat as our tongues slide and tangle, while hands touch and explore. When Pam lifts her head, both of us are breathing hard. She grabs the edge of her T-shirt and lifts it over her head. No bra. Her breasts, full and heavy with dark brown nipples, sway level with my face, and I can’t resist the temptation. I lift the weight of one in my hand and bring it to my mouth, tracing the areola with my tongue, before sucking the peak between my lips. A moan has me lift my eyes to look at her face; her head thrown back, eyes closed with lips slightly parted. Her hips unapologetically undulate, her heat seeking out the hard ridge of my cock. She’s raw, uninhibited, and yet almost majestic as she unleashes her passion. She leaves me breathless.

  With a sudden need to be inside her, I let go of her nipple with a pop, and firmly grab her hips.

  “Up, honey.” She looks a little dazed at first but then moves quickly off my lap. I tug her sweats and underwear down to her ankles and she easily steps out of them. God, she’s gorgeous: her beautiful dark skin almost gleaming, her curves rich and soft. I lean forward to press a kiss on her soft stomach, still bearing the marks of the child she lost. Her hands find my head and hold me in place.

  “I love you,” I mumble against her skin.

  She places her hands on my face and lifts it up, her eyes burning down on me.

  “I know...I’m so blessed. I’ve been touched with the glow of love growing around me for years. Was happy for each of my friends finding and fighting for theirs. I just never thought it was in the cards for me.” Her long fingers stroke over my scalp and her eyes trace my features. “It’s the most astonishing, exquisite feeling; I never believed I would one day feel the heat of it on my skin.”

  I reach behind my back, pulling my shirt up and off. She takes a step back and I get up, unbuttoning my jeans and pushing them down my hips. Her eyes track down the length of my body, such as it is. I don’t have a sculpted body, by any stretch of the imagination, but you wouldn’t know by the way Pam is looking at me.

  “You’re right,” I tell her, reaching out to grab her hand. “It is.”

  My heart may have softened, but my cock is possibly harder than before. With a quick tug, I pull her body flush against mine, wrapping her tight in my arms before falling back on the couch, her body landing on top of mine.

  Her knees settle on either side of me as she shifts to line up over my dick. When I feel her wet heat sink down on me, I struggle to let her take the lead, my hands clutching her hips so hard, my fingers sink in her flesh.

  “You make me insatiable,” she breathes heavily, riding me, my thumb working her clit.

  “Feel...free...to use and abuse me,...Biscuit,” I pant as my hips buck underneath her.

  -

  I trail my fingers down her spine to the top of her ass.

  “Are you sleeping?”

  We eventually ended up in her bed, after removing more packing boxes to the floor. Her body is tucked up against mine, one of her long legs and an arm pinning me to the mattress. I can’t see her face, but I love looking at the way her skin stands out in contrast against mine.

  “Not yet,” she mumbles against my chest.

  “How about we move these boxes to my house this weekend?”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Her voice sounds like she’s smiling, and she snuggles in closer when I kiss the top of her head.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Pam

  “Hand me that one.”

  I point at a box at the far side of the bedroom.

  Gina volunteered to help me put away my stuff in the master bedroom, while her father took Jonas for an errand. Dino, at some point in the past few days, had managed to repaint the bedroom a beautiful slate gray and had somehow replaced his old bed with simple, raised box spring and mattress. A gorgeous burgundy red tufted headboard is mounted on the wall and simple grey and white sheets and pillows cover the bed.

  I was shocked when Gina opened the door for me, revealing the transformation inside. Dino’s arms snuck around me from behind, and with his lips moving against my neck he asked, “Do you like it?”

  All I could do was nod, moved by the significance of the gesture.

  “How did you manage this?”

  “I’ve got friends.” He kisses my shoulder before releasing me. “There’s room in the dresser and the walk in closet for your stuff,” he said, before heading back downstairs.

  With Gina’s help I’ve got my clothes tucked away and am down to two boxes with toiletries and linens. Gina, who has been quiet but helpful, hands me the one that goes in the bathroom. The vanity has a stack of drawers on either side of two sinks and it looks like Dino cleaned one out for me. I’m feeling myself getting excited now. Earlier I’d been too busy to let the reality of this new situation settle in, but now that we’re getting down to the last boxes, I’m feeling almost giddy.

  We spent the past few days apart; I was busy packing and sorting, while Dino had the pub and obviously had also been working on the house. We did talk on the phone a few times, trying to sort out which pieces of furniture to keep and which ones to let go. Dino suggested I should go ahead and change whatever I wanted, but I gently reminded him that it wasn’t just his call; his kids live there too. In the end it was Viv who came up with a good point when she was helping one night.

  “Don’t dismiss the importance of making that house your home,” she said. “They’ve lived there since the kids were little, so no matter what furniture is in the living room or what cups they’re drinking from, it’ll still be their home, but you might need an occasional reminder.”

  It helped. I decided on keeping my couch, which is large and comfy, and can fit us all easily. Also, since
a few nights ago, it’s my favorite piece of furniture. A perfect reminder of the start of our life together.

  “Where did I put those box cutters?”

  “Here you go,” Gina says, handing them over, and I quickly slice through the packing tape.

  “Thanks. Okay, if you grab that last box—it has some towels and sheets in it—and see if there’s room in the linen closet for them. We’ll be done in no time, and maybe we can whip up a batch of cookies or something before the guys get home.” Gina doesn’t say anything but the little smile on her face, as she goes to fetch the box, tells me she likes that idea. Girls and cookies, there’s no way you can go wrong with that.

  I’m putting away my hair products in the shower when I notice her hesitate just outside the door.

  “Did they fit?” I ask, referring to the linens. Her eyes shoot up from the bottles in my hand to my face and she quickly nods. “You know,” I say as I arrange my products on the little shelf. “Some of those pretty sheets I have? The ones with the vines? They won’t fit the new bed. Too small. But you have a queen-sized bed, right?”

  “I think so,” she says, a hopeful sparkle in her eyes.

  “Good. Then those are yours, if you want them.” I decide with a shrug. “Not like Jonas is going to want those on his bed, right?” I’m trying not to make a big deal about it, but I’m still pleased when I hear a soft giggle escape her.

  “Why do you need a different shampoo?”

  Ahhh, so that’s what she was looking at. I grab the bottles off the shelf and sit down on the side of the tub, indicating with a tilt of my head for her to join me.