The Impossible Vastness of Us

by Samantha Young

  “Ah.” He suddenly looked sheepish. Guilty even. “Yes, about that.” He stepped toward me, lowering his voice. “Look, when your mom and her dad started dating Eloise didn’t exactly like Hayley. She thought it was strange that as time went on Hayley never once brought you with her or let her dad go visit you. She said she was afraid you might be in rehab or something.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking embarrassed. “I might have told someone else that you were in rehab and, before I knew it, it was all over the school. But it was weeks ago,” he said defensively. “I thought they would have forgotten it by now.”

  My eyes bugged out, my anger simmering beneath the surface. “Everyone thinks I was in rehab?”

  “Yeah. I am really sorry.”

  I gave a huff of disbelief, trying to gauge his sincerity. He did seem genuinely embarrassed by the rumor he’d spread. “Are you going to tell people it’s a lie?”

  “Eloise overheard a few seniors talking about it this morning and she told them it wasn’t true.”

  Hmm. Probably didn’t want the rumor to hurt her reputation. “Then why are people still looking at me funny?”

  “It’ll take time for it to die down. Sitting with us would help,” Gabe offered.

  Was he nuts? I gave him a look that clearly questioned as much and he laughed.

  “I’m asking you to.”

  “I’m not welcome.”

  “Okay, if you say so. You know where I am if you change your mind.” He winked suggestively and backed off.

  I shook my head at his flirtation, feeling a teensy bit better knowing there was a student at this school that didn’t hate me, even if he accidentally spread a stupid rumor about me. As I was reaching for my tray of food, I heard Gabe call my name loudly.

  I turned and stepped out of line to find him halfway between me and Eloise’s table. Everyone was looking at us.

  “You look remarkably good for a recovering drug addict.”

  I should have been mortified, but instead I felt a renewed resolve within me to not let these people think they could embarrass me or force me to duck my head and hide from their curiosity and judgment. I grinned at Gabe’s mockery of the student body for believing his stupid lie and called, “Thanks, dipshit.”

  His laughter rang out around the room, and I found myself chuckling. I looked beyond him to Eloise and found her watching me uneasily. Gabe was oblivious as he walked back to the table. I moved to find an empty table, and my mood plummeted harshly when I realized I was going to have to sit alone.

  I hadn’t eaten lunch alone since I lived with my dad.

  Doing what I’d gotten so good at since I’d arrived in Massachusetts, I pretended I wasn’t bothered by my loner status. Instead I pulled out the book I was currently reading and got lost in the words while I ate my pasta salad.

  Only a few minutes later my face started to tingle and I felt the little hairs on the back of my neck rise. Not moving my book from covering my face, I discreetly looked up over the top of it, searching for the cause of the tingles.

  My eyes locked with Finn Rochester’s.

  Those little flutters awoke in my stomach again and I flushed hot.

  Finn wrenched his gaze away, frowning down at his plate. No one at his table seemed to notice he’d been looking over at me.

  I focused back on the pages of my book, but the words just became blurry blobs.

  The truth was Finn unsettled me. I honestly didn’t know why.

  I just knew I didn’t like it.

  Forcing myself to concentrate on the book, I eventually got back into the story and for a while I forgot I was in hostile territory.

  * * *

  I wish I could say that the day improved from there but it was pretty much the same as the beginning. Classes were fine, if a lot more challenging than my old school, teachers were overall welcoming and none of my fellow students bothered to introduce themselves to me.

  I walked out of school at the end of the day the way I’d walked in.

  Alone.

  Gil was waiting with the car and when he saw me he got out to open the door for me. “Good afternoon, miss. I hope you had a good first day.”

  I thanked him as I slid into the car.

  Once I was settled inside Gil got back in the driver’s seat and started to pull away.

  “What about Eloise?”

  “Miss Eloise informed me that she will be getting a ride home from Finn later this afternoon.”

  I nodded and turned to stare out the window. I’d found myself forgetting throughout the day that Finn and Eloise were a couple. They didn’t act like Bryce and Joshua, who could barely keep their hands off one another. I knew not all couples liked PDA, but there was usually something to let you know that a couple were into one another. They acted like friends, for sure, but I hadn’t seen them kiss or hold hands or cuddle.

  But I guess one day wasn’t really long enough to form an opinion about them as a couple.

  As the streets of Boston passed us by I let my thoughts drift away from Eloise and Finn. Instead I thought of all the homework I had to do, all the work I had ahead of me to get involved in my new school and how miserable it was that I hadn’t made one single friend. I’d decided Gabe didn’t count. I knew when a boy had sex on his mind and Gabe was definitely flirting with me.

  “Tomorrow is a new day.”

  I was startled from my forlorn musing by the sound of Gil’s voice.

  He was smiling sympathetically at me in the rearview mirror. “The first day is always the worst.”

  Grateful for his insight and kindness, I gave him a small smile. “It can only get better, right?”

  “Definitely.” And it sounded like a promise.

  I hoped it was a promise. A solid one. Because I’d worked too hard to get out of my previous miserable existence for my mother’s new romance to take that all away from me.

  Upon arriving home, I had to remind myself to let Gil get the door for me. When I stepped out I thanked him and hoped he knew I meant it sincerely. So far he was the only person from the house, other than Theo, who had been warm to me. I appreciated it.

  Thinking of the staff, I decided to brave the kitchen despite Gretchen’s grouchiness that morning because I really wanted a soda. Entering the vast space, I found it full of hustle and bustle as Gretchen and one of Theo’s maids prepared for dinner.

  I gave them an unsure smile and headed toward the huge refrigerator.

  “May I help?” Gretchen called over.

  “I’m just getting a soda.”

  “I’ll get it for you, miss,” she said gruffly, stepping away from the vegetables she was cutting.

  “It’s fine. I can get my own soda,” I assured her with more than a hint of amusement in my voice.

  Gretchen frowned but nodded.

  “Do you know if Hayley is home?”

  The maid was the one that answered me. “Ms. Maxwell is out. Wedding plans. She said she would return in time for dinner.”

  Wedding plans. Of course. “Thanks,” I muttered, and strolled out of the kitchen with my can of soda. I headed straight for my room.

  Hayley had broken it to me last night that she’d quit her job. I’d tried not to get really angry at her for giving up her own means of independence, because I knew her well enough to know that this wasn’t a decision she was going back on.

  As I’d gotten older and started to question why Hayley made the choices that she made, I started to form the theory that my inept mother had always wanted to be a princess. She didn’t want reality. She wanted fantasy.

  Theodore Fairweather was finally giving her that.

  She could live a life of leisure as the wife of a wealthy, influential blue blood.

  Never, I decided, never would I put my entire financia
l and emotional well-being in the hands of someone else. Never!

  Nope. I was going to metaphorically kick ass at my new school and forge a new path to total independence. On that thought I got on my laptop, found some editions of my old school paper and sent them to Franklin to look over.

  I studied a little, impatiently waiting for time to pass. Anna was going to FaceTime me but since there was a three-hour time difference between us, I had to wait for her to get out of school. When my laptop started ringing like a phone, I thought I hadn’t heard such a nice sound in a long time.

  “Oh my God, come home!” Anna yelled.

  “Believe me, I would if I could. How was the first day of school without me?”

  Anna rolled her eyes. “Um...what do you think? Siobhan is totally acting like Winter Snow Queen already.”

  “Yeah, like we didn’t know that was going to happen. As long as she’s not being mean?”

  “So far not a lot of meanness, just a lot of ‘fall at my feet and kiss my toes.’”

  “Literally?”

  “Thankfully, no. I don’t care how many pedicures that girl can afford, I am not getting near her feet.”

  I laughed and then immediately sobered. “I miss you guys.”

  “We miss you, too. You know who else misses you?”

  “Who?”

  “Jay.”

  “Jay? He said that?” Somehow I couldn’t picture the too-cool Jay actually uttering those words to Anna. I realized by Anna’s giddy tone that I should probably feel excited that Jay missed me. But I just...didn’t.

  “No, but he asked if we’d heard from you. Of course Siobhan tried to use his attention to flirt with him but he was really only interested in talking about you.” She sighed heavily. “Oh, to be India Maxwell, breaking the hearts of bad boys everywhere.”

  I snorted. “Yeah, because my life is so charmed right now.”

  She clapped her hands together and stuck her face closer to the screen. “Tell me how your day went.”

  And so I proceeded to fill my best friend in on the grim start to my new life in Boston.

  “India Maxwell does not sit alone at lunch!” Anna was gratifyingly indignant on my behalf. “I’m sorry you had such a shitty day. But trust me, they will realize how epic you are soon enough.” Her sympathy and reassurances were soothing, and after we signed off, I did actually feel a little better for connecting with her.

  I wandered around my room, trailing my fingers over all my new things and wondering if material possessions ever made anyone truly happy, and was stopped in my tracks at the French doors. Outside I watched as a light blue convertible pulled up in front of the house.

  Sitting in the driver’s seat was Charlotte and getting out of the car was Eloise. Eloise blew her friend a kiss and sashayed into the house, disappearing from sight.

  A smiling Charlotte pulled away from the house.

  Hmm. I thought Gil had said Eloise was with Finn.

  “There you are.”

  I spun around to find Hayley standing in my doorway. “When did you get home?”

  “About thirty minutes ago.” She wore this goofy grin on her face as she sank down onto my bed. “How was school?”

  “Fine, I guess.”

  “You guess? Was it really that bad?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  She looked hurt by my curtness so I changed the subject. “How goes the wedding plans?”

  And just like that she lit up again as she told me all about the wedding planner she’d met with, the venue they’d by some miracle managed to book on such late notice, the flowers they were considering, the colors...

  Unfortunately, I had to listen to it all over again at dinner later that evening.

  When she’d finally run out of steam, Theo smiled indulgently at her and then turned to me. “So now that we know your mother had a wonderful day, how was yours, India?”

  Like the previous nights, we sat around the informal dining table, the four of us, pretending that we were all comfortable in one other’s company.

  “It was good,” I lied.

  “Did you show India around, Eloise? Introduce her to everyone?”

  “Of course, Daddy.” It was Eloise’s turn to lie.

  I noted the way her fingers tightened around her fork so hard her knuckles went white.

  It gave me pleasure knowing she was waiting for me to out her for not doing her daughterly duties.

  I let the moment pass and watched her hand relax.

  “Are you liking your classes?” Theo said.

  “So far.” I looked over at Eloise. I wanted her to know that maybe I didn’t need her, after all. “And Mr. Franklin, my Modern European History teacher, is the head faculty member on the paper. He asked me to send some old articles to him. Kind of like an interview for a spot on the paper.”

  Hayley and Theo looked delighted. Hayley actually wore a look of pride as she said, “Well, that’s wonderful.”

  “First the paper and then the theater,” Theo said, his attention now on his daughter. “Eloise, did you ask about a job for India behind the scenes?”

  “No, Daddy. Not yet.”

  He frowned. “India has already missed out on the first few weeks of school. Time is of the essence. I’d like you to try harder tomorrow.”

  She blushed at his admonishment. “Yes, Daddy.”

  The rest of the dinner conversation was carried by Hayley and Theo and it mostly covered the wedding and Hayley asking for my soon-to-be stepdad’s opinion on flowers and themes and crap I’m sure he really wasn’t that interested in.

  I was happy to be excused from the table once I’d finished my dessert but I refused to completely give in to my new life. I found myself grabbing up my plate before Theo’s staff could, ignoring him as he called out to me that “Janelle will do that!”

  Instead I took my dirty plate and glass into the kitchen and then promptly stopped short at the sight before me. Gretchen was scraping a huge chunk of leftover meat loaf into the trash. An oven dish half-filled with potato dauphinoise was sitting on the counter, ready to be thrown out, too.

  My skin tingled unpleasantly as I felt an immediate cold sweat prickle my face, my palms and under my arms. My heart was hammering way too hard in my chest. “What are you doing?” I said shakily, taking a step toward her.

  Gretchen looked up in surprise. “Clearing up.”

  “Stop.” I hurried over and looked down into the trash can. My chest tightened at the sight of the food inside it. “You just threw away half a meat loaf!”

  “Miss, leave your plate and glass. I’ll clean it up,” Gretchen said tetchily as she reached for the potatoes.

  “No!” I grabbed ahold of the other end of the dish and her eyes grew round with surprise. “You can’t just throw perfectly good food out!”

  “Miss, please let go of the potatoes.”

  “No!”

  “Miss, please.” Her face grew pale.

  “What is going on in here?” I heard Theo’s authoritative voice behind us.

  My grip on the dish tightened.

  “Sir, I’m just trying to clear up the waste and Miss Maxwell got very upset.”

  “India.” A hand curled around my wrist and I followed it up to Hayley’s concerned face.

  “It’s not waste,” I whispered. “It’s perfectly fine leftovers.”

  I saw the pain in Hayley’s eyes at my words and she reached up to brush my cheek with her fingertips. “Sweetie,” she whispered back.

  “We can’t just throw it out.”

  “I know.” She nodded and looked over my shoulder. “Darling, India’s right. We should be keeping the leftovers or giving them to a local shelter. It’s a lot of food to throw away.”

 
; I felt the warmth of Theo’s presence as he stepped up beside us and peered into the trash can. “Do you throw out this much food every day?”

  Gretchen swallowed hard. “Not every day, sir. Sometimes.”

  “Well, it does seem like a lot. India and Hayley are right. You and the staff will share the leftovers between you from now on, is that understood?”

  “Yes, sir.” Gretchen slumped with relief, I imagine because Theo hadn’t given her any more crap about it.

  As for me, my heartbeat began to slow but I still wasn’t completely reassured. “You will use the leftovers, right?”

  I could tell she thought I was nuts but still she answered soothingly, “Yes, miss. I have a teenage son who eats me out of house and home. The leftovers will be welcome.”

  The tension drained out of me. “Good.” I sucked in a huge breath of air. “Thanks.”

  She gently tugged on the oven dish and I let it go, stepping back.

  “I must say, India, I find your attitude quite refreshing.” Theo gave me an affectionate smile.

  My return smile was tremulous.

  He thought I was being socially and economically conscious. He had no idea about my issues with food.

  Hayley knew, though.

  She rubbed my arm and turned me away from Gretchen. “You’ve had a long day, sweetie. Why don’t you make it an early night?”

  I nodded, and turned around to find Eloise standing near the door to the kitchen, watching me.

  Crap.

  The last thing I needed was her witnessing my weirdness.

  CHAPTER 4

  HE WAS EATING DOUGHNUTS. They were fresh and I could smell them. Carla had brought them.

  My stomach clenched painfully.

  “I can’t keep eating ’em if she’s gonna look at me like a feral cat,” Carla complained. “Just fucking give her some food, Ed.”

  “Little bitch isn’t getting a thing until I say so. She knows what she did.” He glared at me.

  I didn’t know what I did.

  I just knew it didn’t take much.

  “Well, she’s freaking me out.” Carla shoved the box of doughnuts away.

  “Fine.” He stood up abruptly and grabbed up the box of baked goods. Eyes on me the whole time, he strode across the trailer to the trash can, stood on the pedal that opened the lid and one by one he dropped the doughnuts inside.