Brotherhood of District 23 Complete Series

by Amy Briggs

  “I think I know exactly what's going on, Cavanaugh, and when you’re really ready, you have my blessing. You better be ready though and not one minute beforehand, are we clear?”

  “Yes, sir, we're clear,” I was going to try to explain myself more, but wasn’t really sure what to say, and opted to just shut up, sitting there looking at him.

  “That’ll be all,” he pointed at the door, signifying it was time for me to get the fuck out and think about things.

  “Yes, sir,” I got up and made a hasty exit, with my tail between my legs wondering what he thought he saw. And giving me his blessing? What was that about? What did he think was going on, because nothing was going on except I got caught staring at the hottest firefighter I’ve ever seen in my life.

  It was about two weeks after that talk with Jack that we were all partying at Jax’s house, celebrating something, I can’t even remember what, when I went outside to get some fresh air and found Jo sitting on the front porch drinking her beer. She was pretty drunk and so was I, but I sat down next to her, admiring her beautiful tanned legs she had stretched out on the railing.

  “What are you doing out here,” I asked her. I looked around, expecting to see someone else, that she wasn't just sitting out here alone.

  “Just enjoying the fresh air, I love it out here. It’s such a beautiful night. Too nice to stay cooped up inside,” she looked at me and smiled, those soft lips revealing her perfect smile. “What brings you out here, Cavanaugh? Lose something?” she laughed at me.

  “Lose something? No. I just wanted to get some fresh air. What do you mean lose something?” I didn’t get it.

  “Oh, I saw you show up with some girl, I figured you were looking for her is all,” she said.

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh her, yeah no. I didn’t lose her. She actually belongs to someone else as it turns out, and I don’t play that game, so I sent her on her way awhile ago,” I kicked my feet up on the railing too. This is a nice night, she’s right.

  “Ahh, I see, well better luck next time,” she looked away and took a long sip of her beer. I don’t know what about it was so hot, but I very suddenly wanted to be that beer bottle, with her lips around my cock like that.

  “Eh, whatever. It wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway,” I wanted to change the subject desperately. She was still looking away, and I could feel myself staring at her profile, admiring her features. Her short hair, which I just loved on a chick, her pouty lips which always looked pink, and those legs. They’re worth mentioning twice. She was wearing a fire department hoodie, cut offs, and Chuck Taylor’s. She was so effortless, and so fucking pretty.

  She turned and gave me a skeptical face, her eyes were all squinted at me. “Oh, you’re looking for something to go somewhere?”

  I froze a little, “Uh, well...I don’t know. I’m not not looking for something to go somewhere?”

  She took her legs off the railing and swung herself in my direction. She looked me dead in the eyes and asked me. “So you’re telling me, Mr. Single Player Cavanaugh, is no longer just looking for his next lay? Enlighten me sir, I’m shocked and intrigued,” she was totally mocking me.

  “I didn’t say that. I just said that I’m not opposed to it necessarily is all.”

  “And describe this woman you’re not opposed to, will you? I’m fascinated,” she leaned in, and I felt myself being pulled toward her.

  I was whispering now. “I don’t know, she understands what we do for a living and appreciates it. Not in a badge whore kind of way, but genuinely appreciates what it means to us. That’s all.” What I was describing didn’t really exist. Women say they understand, and that they’re supportive, but deep down, they don’t feel important enough if they’ve never been a firefighter, and to be honest, most female firefighters aren’t like Jo. They’re not smoking hot, they are masculine and act like they have something to prove. Whether or not Jo felt like that, she never acted that way.

  “There’s a handful of us out there, I guess you’ll just have to keep looking,” she whispered back.

  “None like you,” I said, and as I leaned in closer to whisper it to her, she leaned in to meet me halfway and our lips just barely touched.

  “Like me, huh?” she smiled, still millimeters away when I reached up to touch caress her cheek and bring her in closer for a proper kiss that I now couldn’t do without.

  “No.” I brought her in gently and kissed her more softly than I’ve ever kissed anyone in my life. It was full of passion; the kind of kiss everyone thinks their first kiss will be like but it isn’t of course because you’re a sloppy mess. It was the perfect kiss. She parted her mouth, and let me explore it with my tongue gently and I brought my other hand up around the back of her neck, playing with the short hair back there. She brought her hand up to my chest, sending tingles all over my body. It was a kiss that made you forget you ever kissed anyone. I had butterflies; I was buzzing.

  “Let’s leave,” she whispered, and I came to my senses, back to reality and what it would mean if we did leave, no matter how badly I wanted to. My back stiffened up and I pulled away, stopping the most amazing moment with a woman I’ve ever had in my life.

  All I could think of was Jack. Her father. My Chief. ‘I’m not going to allow a broken heart to keep her from her dreams in the fire service, here at this station. I expect you to be Chief after me and when I’m gone, I expect you to look after her’.

  “We shouldn’t be doing this, Jo, I’m sorry I did that,” I stood up to leave. Really, I wanted to run away at top speed. She stood up too.

  “Why not, Brian? This works,” she gently waved at the air between us.

  “No, no it doesn’t. We’ve been drinking, and this just isn’t going to happen. I’m sorry I let this happen Jo. I didn’t mean—I don’t—“ I couldn’t even think of the words to say. I wanted it to happen, but all I could think of was her dad, and I wasn’t ready for that discussion. With her, with him, with myself.

  She changed her demeanor; straightened her posture, rolling her eyes at me again, “Oh I get it, Brian. All of Orange County is good enough, but not me. It was a big mistake. Let me guess, ‘you’re drunk’, ‘we work together’, ‘you’re like a sister’…I’ll save you the trouble Cavanaugh,” and she started to walk away when I grabbed her arm.

  “Don’t act like a baby, Jo, it was just a kiss. You’re not my girlfriend and you’re not going to be, nobody is,” I immediately regretted saying that, it was mean and I knew it as the words escaped my lips.

  She turned to stone. “Let me go. Now.” I let go of her arm, and honestly thought she was going to punch me but she didn’t. She inhaled. “Don’t act like a baby? Are you serious? I was wrong about you, Brian. I’ve always thought you were someone you aren’t, and you never will be. Enjoy the revolving door of women while the rest of us move the fuck on. You’re right, it was just a kiss, it was a huge mistake.” She walked off the porch out to her Jeep and I just stood there wishing that I'd said something, anything except what I said.

  That day, I felt like something had changed, like I had lost something, but I didn’t own it. She stopped speaking to me for anything other than business at the firehouse or cordial hellos after that, so I definitely lost something, I lost her once already back then. I felt incomplete, not whole every time I saw her after that and I felt like an asshole. I told my brother a much shorter version of all of this while he listened, completely speechless just looking at me like a wide-eyed cat shaking his head every once in a while. I didn’t get into the details of the last week with Jo, Matt knew what he needed to, that we'd been sleeping together, and that I loved her and that was a lot. Anything more than that wasn’t any of his fucking business; even if she wasn’t speaking to me, again

  When I was done being as honest as I could allow myself to be, we sat there in silence for a minute that felt like an hour until finally he spoke. “You’re a dick.” He got up and walked out of my office.

  He was right, I was a dick. />
  Once I got home, I immediately got in the shower. Along with all the dirt and grime, I tried washing my heartbreak away, even if I sort of caused it myself. I had what I always wanted for a little bit and honestly now I don’t know if having a real taste was better than nothing or not. I wept on the shower floor, letting everything I’d been holding in for who knows how long just swirl down the drain with my tears. Deep down, I thought maybe it could work with Brian, I mean we’ve been friends forever, and my dad absolutely loved the guy, but he didn’t fight me on it, so my instinct to break it off must have been right.

  I guess it didn’t really matter anyway, my dad’s not here, and Brian was going to be my boss. I spared myself the pain of more heartache by ending it,, and cutting my losses before things got any more serious. Being alone is probably what I needed anyway, right? Something about growing and whatever. I knew I was going to have to tell Matt what happened at some point, but for the moment I had planned to just focus on getting myself out of Station 19, and back to my home. Then I’d worry about my next move.

  The next day I slept in late. Really late. I missed four text messages from Matt, two from Danny, but none from Brian. Even though I expected I wouldn’t hear from him, it was still disappointing. Matt was just texting me because that’s what he does; none of his were important, but Danny hasn’t texted me in ages.

  Can you come in early to cover a couple more hours?

  Hello? Can you help me out or not, Jo? I’d appreciate a reply either way.

  I rolled my eyes. The text messages were from about twenty minutes ago and they were about a minute apart. God he’s so impatient—what did I ever see in him? Danny wasn’t really my type, he never was. He was good looking, don’t get me wrong, but he was Mr. Clean Cut, ass kissing, work his way to the top guy in a schmoozy kind of way. Not in the put in hard work and make it happen kind of way. I decided to go ahead and take the extra couple hours, it never hurts, and I was going in anyway, so I texted him back.

  Just got your messages. Long day yesterday. Yes, I’ll take the hours, I can be there at noon. Good?

  Then I sent a second message,

  I need to talk to you about my schedule as well.

  He replied immediately,

  Long day? I see. I’m not in the station today, I have fire marshal inspections around the district. What’s wrong with your schedule?

  I guessed he had inspections to do, he was always so vague with how he spent his time when he was out doing “fire marshal stuff”. Generally, a fire marshal does inspections and investigations, as well as handling fire prevention week and activities like that, but it wasn’t close to fire prevention week. He could never just be specific with me about what he was doing though, a major reason our relationship failed miserably.

  We can talk about it later. I need to change my schedule.

  I’ll come by this afternoon.

  Great, of course he’s going to make a special trip. I didn’t even bother replying. I’d been so nice to him, because I cared so much about him having a good reputation especially with my dad. When I found out that he was cheating on me, I didn’t get upset. I talked shit to Matt about it, and let that be my outburst. Besides the fact that it was embarrassing to be cheated on, part of me was kind of relieved because our relationship was more out of a convenience than anything else. I also just didn’t believe in creating a scene. I wouldn't get anything out of pitching a fit or getting over emotional; I definitely learned that trait from my dad who would be mad as hell at someone and talk calmly as if he were whispering to a baby.

  I rolled my ass out of bed and put a uniform together. I honestly didn’t like doing laundry or chores of any kind. I had plenty of uniforms to choose from so I didn’t have to be washing them every day unless something really gross happened. I was riding the firetruck today, not the ambulance, but it was the same uniform either way. Since I showered the previous night, I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and fixed up my short hair. If I had to do any work today, I’d have a helmet on anyway, so it wasn’t really worth getting too fussy, and I honestly didn’t want to seem attractive to Danny. The last couple times I saw him, he gave me this awful dirty feeling when he looked at me, and he wasn’t ever even that into me so I don’t get it.

  I had no energy, my limbs felt heavy, and I dragged myself around the house getting some coffee going, and changing my clothes. I couldn’t stop thinking about Brian, and how I ended things last night. Part of me had really hoped there would be a message from him this morning, because I know I’d have gotten another taste if he had tried at all. He was so convincing even when he wasn’t trying. One look at those eyes, and I forgot just about everything. Convictions? Out the window. Inhibitions? Please, they don’t exist. But this was different. My feelings were so deep for Brian Cavanaugh; I just couldn’t let it be a fling. He says it’s not, but I couldn’t sacrifice what my dad always wanted for a few rolls in the hay. Fucking glorious rolls in the hay. I was getting turned on and wet just thinking about him growling in my ear, and fucking me; just the thought of his touch made me shudder. Okay, Jo, get ready for work, fuckkkkk. I rolled my eyes at myself, poured some coffee in a thermal mug and got on my way.

  I worked at Station 19 a lot over the last year or so out of convenience. It’s not a particularly busy station, but we were back up mutual aid on a lot of calls and that’s more or less how Danny and I ended up dating. After Brian and I kissed last year, and it ended abruptly, and I was super pissed and hurt, Danny started flirting with me at work. He’s a good looking guy, and had a lot of women that wanted him, and I decided that if he was into it, why shouldn’t I go for it. I mean, I wasn’t going to wait for Brian, and I had already put myself out there and got the proverbial smackdown on my heart anyway, so why not date someone new.

  Danny and I started dating, and within months, it quickly escalated into me moving in with him. I think I did it so that I wasn’t scraping by, and honestly, at the age of thirty-one, which I was at the time, who doesn’t want to feel like they should be with someone? I figured that this was the guy I was supposed to be with mostly because we had the fire department in common and he was good looking, and that even though we didn’t have the passion I had longed for in my life, maybe that was just a fantasy. My dad did not like me living with Danny at all. It was something we didn’t see eye to eye on at all, and I pretty much knew he was right deep down.

  After a few months, we were not working the same shift, which is where it turned out he was cheating on me. While I was at work. Funny how when we were dating we never ended up on the same shift, but now that we're apart, he kept showing up on my shift all of a sudden.

  Now I was feeling the anger toward Danny, the loss of my dad and the loss of Brian; it hit deep. How I ended up in the situation was more than depressing, I felt an ache down to my bones. My body was hijacked by loss and there was no ransom that could fix it.

  Matt wouldn’t speak to me the rest of the night at the station, and I slept like shit. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I tried to rationalize what happened in my head, to make myself angry with her, to think of reasons why being with her was a bad idea, and all I could come up with was that I fucking missed her, and I had a huge pain in my chest. In my heart. She is mo chroí. My heart. Mo chuisle, My pulse, as my mom would say. I felt weak thinking about her leaving me. I knew that her happiness had to be first, not mine.

  Our mom was born in Ireland and taught us the Gaelic. It was all bits and pieces, and sometimes when we were growing up and getting into trouble, she would yell at us in Gaelic phrases I still don’t understand. She moved here when she was a young girl, maybe 10 I think, and so she didn’t have much of an accent unless she was really fired up about something, then she would start talking fast, and you could hear it a little bit. It’s funny, how when you feel like shit, you want your mom. I want my mom right now. She’d know what to do. I’m gonna have to tell her what I’ve done though. Fuck it. Jo’s worth it; she belongs with me, and
my mom will help me figure out how to get her back.

  I basically moped around my house most of the morning, feeling like a big dick and an outsider since the people I give a shit about weren’t really talking to me. My brother wasn’t speaking to me, I obviously couldn’t talk to Jo right now, this was a good idea, I’m gonna go see my mom. I’m way overdue for a visit; I hadn’t seen her since Jack’s funeral anyway.

  I’d been sitting around sipping my coffee all morning which was just leaving an awful bitter taste in my mouth like everything around me. Literally, everything was making me sad or annoyed. Mom lives about 20 minutes away, so I showered and shaved and got my shit together, tail between my legs, knowing that my Irish ass reaming would be a big part of my begging for her help.

  “Mamai,” I said when she opened the door. She looked surprised to see me. I guess I needed to come by more often. We used to do regular dinners, but the fire department schedule didn’t make that super easy, and once we were getting called away all the time, she just kind of gave up on us boys showing up on a regular schedule.

  “How are you, my love? Get in here, come come!” she exclaimed when she opened the door, clutching me into her arms in the best hug ever. Seriously, there’s nothing like a mom hug. It just warms you all over.

  “I’m alright, Ma. I’m sorry I haven’t seen you since the funeral,” I knew my mama had a fondness for Jack and I left it at that. If it were any other man on earth, I may have—no I would have—had an issue.

  “So sad, my love. I know how busy you are helping people. Get in here and give mama some love and let me put some coffee or tea on. Which are we having today love?” she was always so welcoming.