Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  There was such sadness in Arnold’s voice that Martha hesitated to ask a question she already knew the answer to. “How long will you be there?”

  “I’ve been invited to stay indefinitely, for better or worse. I won’t be coming back. I couldn’t tell you in person. I just couldn’t.”

  Martha fought the bitterness rising to the surface, but how could she fault the man for wanting to be with his sick child? “I hope that things go well for you and your son, Arnold.”

  “Thank you, Martha.”

  They chatted for a few more minutes, and Arnold said he was going to speak with David about completely taking over the schoolhouse project, and he’d already made arrangements to have his things shipped to Georgia. They had just said good-bye when Martha quickly spoke into the receiver.

  “Arnold? Are you still there?”

  But he’d already hung up. “I’ll be praying for you and your boy,” she whispered to herself as she hung up the phone.

  “Lord, I’m trying. I really am,” she said as she walked to the kitchen, then pulled out an almost-burnt container filled with store-bought lasagna. “You said, ‘Seek Me,’ and I did. I’ve opened my heart, and I’ve given money to those in need, like I heard you’re supposed to do. I’ve tried to clean up my act and not be so cranky all the time.” She looked toward the ceiling. “But You took Herbert. Elvis is gone. And now my friend, Arnold.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I don’t understand what it is You want from me.” She sat down at the kitchen table and stared at the pan of food. It seemed fine eating it with Arnold, but right now, it was the most unappealing thing she’d ever laid eyes on.

  MARTHA WASN’T FEELING much better the next night. She wiped tears from her eyes when she heard a knock on the door. She knew it wasn’t Arnold, so she didn’t rush to open it.

  “Katie Ann. You sick? You all right?” Martha opened the door and stepped aside so Katie Ann could step inside. “Whatcha got there?”

  “It’s chicken lasagna. Emily told me it’s your favorite, and I wanted to do something for you, for taking me to the doctor yesterday.” Katie Ann smiled as her eyes watered up. “I might not have a husband, but I’m going to have a baby, and I thank our heavenly Father for that.”

  Martha closed the door, then accepted the lasagna from Katie Ann, noticing how much better it smelled than the frozen meal she’d ended up tossing in the trash last night.

  “Come on in here, honey. I’ll make us some tea to go with this lasagna.”

  Katie Ann shuffled into the kitchen. “Thank you, Martha, but I can’t stay. I’m not hungry and I have much to think about.” The poor woman sniffled, and Martha could tell her mind was on overload. “And danki again for spending so much time with me at the doctor’s office.”

  Martha thought for a moment. Maybe they could both use a little company.

  And the girl needs to eat. She’s with child.

  KATIE ANN SAW Martha bend at the waist and grab her back. “Martha, what’s wrong? Can I do anything for you?”

  “No, no, honey. You go on.” Martha eased into a chair as she frowned. “I’m sure I’ll be better soon. It’s just my back.”

  “Can I do anything for you before I go? Can I get you a plate from the cabinet or pour you something drink?” Katie Ann sat down in the chair next to Martha and waited. It wasn’t like she had anything to do at home, but she could feel a knot in her throat, and it was exhausting to keep holding back tears. She’d had a good cry the day before, but she was trying to keep her emotions in check. God had blessed her with the miracle of a child after all these years, but she worried how she would manage as a single mother in this unknown place called Canaan.

  Martha grimaced again. “That would be nice if you could get me a plate. Might as well get yourself one, too, since you’re staying to tend to me.”

  Katie Ann got up and went to the cabinet Martha was pointing to, not realizing she had committed to staying past getting Martha a plate. But if Martha needed tending to, that was the least Katie Ann could do for her since she’d spent hours with her at the doctor. Martha bowed her head in prayer before Katie Ann did and offered a prayer of thanks. Katie Ann dished them each out a small helping of lasagna.

  “Arnold’s gone.” Martha stuffed a bite into her mouth, but Katie Ann could see the tears in her eyes.

  “What do you mean . . . gone?”

  Martha swallowed, then said, “Gone to live with his son in Georgia.” She shook her head. “I didn’t even know he had a son. And now his son is sick, and Arnold wants to be with him.”

  “I’m sorry, Martha. I know that you and Mr. Becker had grown to be gut friends. I hope everything will be all right for his son.”

  “Yeah. Me too.”

  Martha seemed far away, and Katie Ann wasn’t sure what to say, so she ate quietly, thinking about her own situation. A baby. The blessing was still sinking in.

  “You tell your husband that you’re with child?” Martha scooped up another load of lasagna.

  “No.”

  “Are you going to?”

  That was something Katie Ann had been thinking about since she’d received the news. She wondered if Ivan would feel obligated to come home and be with her and the baby, even though his heart belonged to someone else. She knew she couldn’t live like that. But she felt cheated, that she could never marry again. Lillian and her family, along with the friends she’d made here, would help her with whatever she needed, but it certainly wasn’t the same as having a husband.

  “No. I’m not going to tell him,” she finally said. She blinked back tears at the thought. “I don’t want him to be with me just because I’m pregnant.”

  “I don’t blame you. Dirty scoundrel.” Martha shook her head.

  “I’m just—just worried about taking care of a baby on my own.” She paused as she looked at her plate and picked at her food. “And there’s much for me to do before the baby comes. There’s clothes to be sewn, blankets to be made, and a baby’s room to prepare.” She paused. “I mean, I know folks will help me, but I’m not . . . not young like most women having their first child.”

  “Arnold told me that all things happen in God’s time frame.” Martha swallowed, then let out a heavy sigh. “Although . . . I can’t figure out why God would send me Arnold, only to take him away.”

  “We don’t always understand His will for us.” Katie Ann knew she didn’t. They were quiet for a few moments as Martha finished her helping of lasagna.

  “So, what are you hoping for, a boy or a girl?” Martha took hold of the spatula and piled more lasagna on her plate.

  Katie picked at the remainder of her food with one hand. She reached for her belly with the other hand, still hardly able to believe a life was growing inside her. “I always thought that if I had a girl, that I would name her Anna Marie, after my grandmother who died when I was young.”

  “And if it’s a boy?” Martha asked with a mouthful.

  “Jonas. I would name the baby Jonas, after a very special man that I knew in Lancaster County who died not too long ago.”

  Martha swallowed, then stared long and hard at her. “You can’t get married again, can you? Did I hear that somewhere, that Amish folks can’t divorce or remarry?”

  Katie Ann put her fork down and took a deep breath. “Ya. That’s right.”

  “Well, at my age, I figure Arnold was probably my last shot at another chance.” Martha leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. Katie Ann couldn’t help but notice that her back seemed fine now. “Guess your kinfolk will help you get a baby’s room ready, huh?”

  Katie Ann shrugged. “Ya. I’m sure they will help me ready up the room.”

  Martha leaned forward a bit and lifted her chin. “But they got their own families to take care of. And at your age—no offense, honey—but you’re going to have to take it easy during this pregnancy.” She paused. “You done eating? I’d like to show you something.”

  Katie Ann nodded and stood up when Mart
ha did. “Is your back better now?”

  Martha bent slightly and moaned. “Not really, honey. But if you can help me up the stairs, there’s something I’d like for you to see.”

  Katie Ann latched onto Martha’s elbow, and slowly they made their way up the stairs.

  “I ain’t been up here in a long time. My bedroom is downstairs, and I don’t even use this part of the house.” They eased down the hallway, and Martha pointed to a closed door on the right at the end of the hallway. She stopped, and Katie Ann let go of her elbow. Martha just stood there quietly. “This is a storage room.” She paused. “I never could figure out why I kept some of this stuff. But . . .” She smiled warmly at Katie Ann. “I think I held on to it until I felt it would be in the hands of the right person.” She pushed the door open, then fumbled for the light switch and turned it on.

  Katie Ann’s eyes went directly to the vintage cradle in the far corner of the room, a beautiful piece of mahogany furniture with a simple design. Inside was a pastel quilt with yellow, pink, and blue bunnies on it, and a fluffy pillow to match. “Why do you have all of this?”

  Martha eased her way around an old suitcase, then stepped over two blue hat boxes. She walked closer and fingered the quilt. “I was pregnant once. Lost the baby.”

  “I’m so sorry, Martha.” She searched Martha’s eyes from across the room, but her friend just shrugged.

  “It was a long time ago.” Martha picked up the small quilt. “It all needs washing, of course. And I’m sure that cradle could use a new coat of finish, but this was my mother’s cradle, and my cradle, and I thought someday . . .” She looked at Katie Ann. “I’d be honored for you to have it.”

  Tears welled in Katie Ann’s eyes. She’d always assumed Ivan would build a cradle for their little one. “Ach, Martha. I couldn’t.” She shook her head.

  Martha scowled. “Why? You don’t like it?”

  “No, no. I think it’s the most beautiful piece of furniture I’ve ever seen.” Katie Ann went to where Martha was standing, then ran her finger delicately along the frame of the cradle. “But don’t you want to save this for—”

  “For what? My children or grandchildren?” She cackled. “Honey, that ain’t looking good for me.” She pulled a sheet off of a nearby piece of furniture. “And here’s the dresser to match.” She paused, lifted her brows. “And ya know what? Herbert had this furniture handmade by an Amish man when I was—was pregnant. It’s perfect for you.”

  “Oh, Martha. It is so beautiful,” she said again as she eyed the six-drawer chest with a matching mahogany finish. “Are you sure you are willing to part with it?”

  Martha grimaced. “Well, not to just anyone.” She gave her head a taut nod. “But . . . to you. Yes. I’m sure.”

  “I will pay you for it, of course.”

  “No. It’s a gift.”

  Katie Ann smiled. “Martha, I have money.”

  Martha chuckled. “So I’ve heard.” She waved her hand in the air. “You keep your money. From what I hear, kids are expensive. Even Amish ones.” Then she walked over to a stack of boxes pushed up against the wall. She pried the flap up on the top one and pulled out a diaper carrier and held it up. “In these boxes is everything you’ll ever need for a baby. Now, I imagine that some of it will be a bit fancy for your taste, but you can pick and choose whatever you’d like.”

  Katie Ann watched as Martha pulled out tiny baby gowns, bottles, and everything else necessary for a baby.

  “Some of this stuff might be outdated, but you can go through it to see what’s safe and suitable, then we’ll have David come over and haul whatever you want to your place.” Martha crinkled her nose. “These clothes smell a bit musty, so we might want to toss these.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Martha.” Katie Ann blinked back tears. “This is so kind of you.”

  “We’re going to need to go shopping.” Martha cut her eyes at Katie Ann. “And you shouldn’t be riding in a buggy in your condition. Remember, I said you’re going to need to take it easy. So, on Tuesdays, I’ll take you to town in my car. We’ll load up on those days with everything that I might not have in here.” She waved her arm around the room, and Katie Ann felt a tear roll down her cheek.

  “What’s wrong?” Martha put her hands on her hips and frowned.

  “I’m going to have a baby.” She jumped as the realization literally kicked. “The baby moved.” Katie Ann laughed aloud. “Martha, I felt the baby move.”

  Martha smiled in a way that Katie Ann had never seen her do before. “That must be a wonderful feeling.”

  Katie Ann reached for Martha’s hand and placed it against her stomach. They waited, then Martha laughed. “How about that? I felt the little one give a kick.” Martha pulled her hand back, then smiled. “All things happen in God’s time frame.” She paused, twisted her mouth to one side. “I’m starting to understand that.”

  Then Martha grabbed Katie Ann and pulled her to the floor with her, and they sat cross-legged as Martha slid boxes toward them. Again, Katie Ann noticed that Martha’s back didn’t seem to be ailing her anymore. “Now, we will go through all of these things, then make a list of what you need. I was wondering what I was going to do without Arnold around.” She looked at Katie Ann and smiled. “Now I know.”

  Katie Ann sat quiet for a moment. Her husband was gone. Her parents were far away. Her relatives had family of their own. She wanted someone by her side who would share in this joyous journey with her. She smiled. Sometimes God puts people in our path so unexpectedly, in His time frame.

  “Martha, thank you for all you’re doing. For the first time, I’m forgetting about my troubles and looking forward to getting things ready for the baby.” She sat up tall, took a deep breath, and blew it out slowly. “I can do this!”

  “Yes, we can!” Martha pulled out a tiny blue gown. “Here’s one for Jonas, if it’s a boy.” She handed it to Katie Ann and kept digging, but Katie Ann reached over and threw her arms around Martha.

  “Danki, Martha.” She held tight, and while Martha was stiff as a board, as if she’d never been hugged, she slowly let her hands relax around Katie Ann.

  “You’re welcome,” she said softly. Then she quickly pulled away, shrugged, and started digging back through the boxes. “Who knows. Maybe the kid will even call me grandma one day.”

  Katie Ann smiled. “I think you can count on it.”

  Eighteen

  RUMORS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE THAT DAVID WAS going to propose to Emily soon, and while that kept her spirits high, she knew she must close one chapter in her life before she could truly move forward. Facing James in court and telling her story would be the hardest thing she would ever do, but in two days, she would leave with her parents for Middlefield to do just that.

  Three weeks after Christmas she’d confessed to her family that she knew who her attacker was. Both Mamm and Daed had been deeply hurt that it was James, an Amish man from their community, but they insisted he be held accountable for his actions. “We can’t have him do this to anyone else,” her mother had said. Her father used language that she’d never heard before. His fury had been mixed with tears, just like her mother’s.

  But on this night, she tried not to focus on the upcoming trial. Tomorrow was the schoolhouse raising, as it had been fondly referred to over the past few months, and members of the community would join together for hard work and fellowship. Mr. Becker had left David in charge of the project, and she was looking forward to watching him in action. David was a hard worker and balanced his job at the furniture store with helping his father make repairs on their farmhouse. On top of that, he and his father were readying their land for the first planting. David didn’t have a lot of time for Emily, and she understood. But the time they did have together was always special, even if it was just holding hands while going for a short walk under a moonlit, starry sky.

  During several of their walks, David explained his plans for the schoolhouse. Though Mr. Becker had left him detailed
instructions, David had made some changes, even adding a small storage room where the children could store their books, lunch pails, and winter clothing. He was excited about erecting a fine schoolhouse, and Emily was just excited in general—about a future filled with hope and a sense of peace . . . hopefully as David’s fraa.

  Emily closed her Bible when her father nodded his head to indicate that devotion time was over. Betsy asked to be excused to her room, and Emily suspected that her younger sister wanted to bury her head in a book for a while before bath time.

  It was so much quieter without Jacob around. Emily missed his fun-loving ways, but she could see how happy her brother and new sister-in-law were. Levi was still sulky and withdrawn, and tonight was no different.

  “I don’t think your boyfriend ordered enough lumber.” Levi kicked his rocking chair into motion and folded his arms across his chest. Emily glanced his way from the other rocker, as did their parents from their place on the couch. “I reckon he probably don’t know what he’s doing.”

  “Mr. Becker ordered the lumber,” Emily said as she cut her eyes at her brother. “And I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”

  Levi grunted and rolled his eyes. Emily waited for one of her parents to say something, but when no one did, she considered speaking up. She was tired of walking on tiptoes for fear of upsetting Levi about whatever it was that ailed him. Levi had never been as talkative and friendly as Jacob, but Emily could recall a time when he was pleasant to be around. Emily figured that Levi was still unhappy about the move from Middlefield.

  Mamm stood from the couch and yawned.“Coming, Elam?”

  “Ya, ya.” Daed stretched his arms as he stood, and a few minutes later both her parents were upstairs and out of earshot.

  “Why don’t you like him?” Emily stopped rocking and turned to face Levi.

  Levi got up from the rocker he was in, then shuffled across the floor and plopped on the couch. “I never said I didn’t like him.” He reached for a gardening magazine that was on the coffee table, something Emily had recently picked up in town. Levi flipped nervously through the pages. She was sure the magazine didn’t interest him. She’d only bought it because there was an article inside detailing how to grow the best watermelons in a difficult climate.