Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  “He’s a wonderful man, Levi. Maybe if you would just get to know him . . . but all you ever do is avoid him. He tries to be nice to you, Levi.” Emily crossed one leg over the other and shook her head. “But you are always very rude to him.”

  Levi shrugged and kept turning the pages.

  “I like him, Levi. I like him a lot, and I wish that you could—”

  Levi threw the magazine on the table. “Ya, well, you liked James, too, didn’t you?”

  Emily grabbed her chest as tears instantly welled in her eyes. “Don’t compare them,” she whispered as she lowered her head. Then she looked up at her brother, whose brows were drawn into a frown. “That’s mean of you, Levi.”

  Levi bolted from the couch, then marched across the den. But before he got to the stairs, he stopped. He didn’t turn around to face her, and he whispered something Emily didn’t understand.

  “What?” she asked.

  “It’s my fault.”

  “What’s your fault?” Emily uncrossed her legs and stood from the chair. “What are you talking about?”

  Levi slowly turned around and faced Emily, and she was shocked to see his eyes filled with tears. “I knew you were with James.” He took a deep breath. “I knew he was the one who hurt you that night, and I didn’t speak up.”

  Emily eased closer to her brother. “Levi, I didn’t speak up either. I don’t fault you for not telling. I probably would have been very upset with you if you had told. I needed to come to terms with everything in my own time.”

  “We hung out together, a group of us.” Levi paused as a tear rolled down his cheek. “Emily, I didn’t know he was like that. He asked about you, and I told him what a great girl you were.”

  Emily smiled. “You did?”

  “Ya. Stop smiling. Don’t you see?”

  She supposed she didn’t. It warmed her heart that Levi would tell someone she was a great girl. She was letting that soak in for a moment. Then she shook her head. “I guess I don’t see.”

  “I told him you’d go out with him. I should have seen through him, seen what kind of person he was, and told him to stay away from my sister. The whole thing is my fault, and I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt you. I failed you! I failed God!” Levi’s voice rose, then quickly fell in volume as he glanced upstairs. “It’s all my fault, and I can’t live with it.”

  Emily walked closer to her brother, then threw her arms around him. To her surprise, he buried his head on her shoulder. “Levi. My dear, sweet Levi. This is not your fault.”

  “I don’t want anyone to hurt you again, Emily. I don’t want anyone around you. I don’t want you to date anyone, or—”

  “Levi.” Emily eased him away. “I love you, mei bruder.” She waited for his eyes to meet hers. “But what happened with James was not your fault. I had been waiting for James to ask me out for months. I was smitten with him for a long time.” She paused. “Levi, you need to talk to Bishop Esh about this. He will help you to realize that this was not your fault. Levi, you know that everything that happens is by the will of God.”

  Emily heard herself say the words, and she realized she meant them. Despite everything that had happened to her, she was exactly where she was supposed to be, according to God’s plan.

  “I wish I could make it up to you.” Levi stepped back, wiped his nose, and looked away from her.

  “There’s nothing that you have to make up to me, Levi.” She stepped closer. “But . . .” She smiled as she waited for him to lock eyes with her. “It would make me very happy if you would get to know David. You will trust him the way I do, Levi. He’s a gut man.”

  Levi ran a hand through his hair and stared at the floor. He lifted his eyes to her. “I’m sorry, Emily. I don’t know if I can do that.”

  Then he headed up the stairs.

  “Please, Levi,” she said as he padded up the stairs.

  But her brother kept going and didn’t turn around.

  WHEN SATURDAY ROLLED around, David counted thirty-six people on hand to help with the schoolhouse, and for his small community, that was a big success.

  His community.

  He smiled at the thought. To his surprise, Canaan had turned out to be his Promised Land, just the way his father said it would. He worked hard at the furniture store, on the farmhouse, and preparing the land for the first harvest. But hardly anyone here knew about his past medical problems, so no one worried about his abilities, which he found freeing. Well, then there was Lillian. Every now and then she would ask him if he’d taken on too much. But David was sure that the heavy load kept both his body and mind healthy.

  Free time was scarce, but the little he had was spent with Emily. His heart swelled with feelings he’d never had before. She made him feel whole. Emily saw him as strong, protective, and wise—all the things a man wants to be in the eyes of the woman he loves. If she only knew how the sight of her made him weak in the knees sometimes.

  He glanced around to make sure everyone had a job. His father and Emily’s father were busy nailing down the flooring, and Jacob and several other men were working to frame the perimeter. Even the young boys, no older than Anna and Elizabeth, were busy helping—standing nearby with bags of nails, fetching requested supplies, and making sure the horses were given an occasional drink of water. The women kept a steady supply of tea and snacks coming.

  “You haven’t eaten anything.” David turned to see Emily, a pretzel in her hand.

  “Danki.” He took the snack, but what he really wanted was to pull her into his arms and kiss her. Her cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink, as if she could read his mind, then she walked away, but she turned around once and smiled.

  She’d only been gone a few seconds when Levi approached. David tensed. Levi would most likely criticize his efforts.

  “What would you like for me to do?” Levi looped his thumbs under his suspenders.

  The only thing left to do was to unload the rest of the wood from the trailer that had arrived earlier that morning. “I need help unloading that trailer.” David nodded to his right.

  “Ya, all right.” Levi waited for David to take the lead, which he did. As they walked side by side, Levi kept turning briefly to face David, but then he would look away.

  “Something on your mind?” David finally asked, not sure if he wanted to hear what it was.

  When they reached the trailer, both men stopped. Levi faced David, folding his arms across his chest. “I love Emily. I will do anything to protect her.”

  Under any other circumstances, he would have found Levi’s comment to be completely out of place. “I love her too,” he finally said, keeping his eyes locked with Levi’s. “And I will never hurt her.”

  Levi took a deep breath, then slowly extended his hand to David. “See that you don’t.” His voice was firm, but a smile tipped at the corner of Levi’s mouth. David felt relief that things were changing between them.

  EMILY BASKED IN the feel of David’s arms around her the next morning at the bus station. He told her how proud of her he was and then kissed her on the forehead—right in front of her parents. He assured her that he would be there to pick her up when she returned, and she prayed that his words, along with God, would get her through the next few days.

  Emily was filled with hope for the future and fear over the present. She would be face-to-face with James in a big courtroom the following day. She liked the attorney her parents had hired, and she knew her parents would be there with her, but she honestly wasn’t sure how she was going to get through it.

  “Everything is going to be okay, Emily,” David whispered in her ear as he eased out of the hug. “And I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back in a week.”

  She forced a smile, sad to be leaving him, and unhappy about her destination, but she knew it was the right thing to do. The lawyer had talked to her parents about what would happen in court. A bunch of legal talk that Emily didn’t understand. But her parents explained that James had admitted he had h
urt her, so the case would go before a judge, not a jury. Either way, Emily had forgiven him a long time ago, and even though it had been hard to accept what happened as God’s will, with each day it became easier.

  Emily glanced at her parents who were standing far enough away not to hear their conversation. “I’ll miss you.”

  David pulled her into another hug. “I’ll miss you too.” He eased away and cupped her cheek. “Wanna know why?”

  Emily waited, her heart fluttering.

  “Because I love you.” Then David kissed her tenderly on the lips, and under any other circumstances, Emily would have pulled back, knowing her parents—especially her father— were nearby. But instead she kissed him back.

  “I love you too, David.”

  A silly grin filled David’s face. “I have a big surprise for you when you get back.”

  Emily gasped. “Tell me!”

  “Then it wouldn’t be a surprise, silly.” He gazed into her eyes, and Emily could feel how much he loved her. “I hope knowing that will give you something to look forward to when you get home.”

  Emily heard her father calling her name. “I have to go.”

  She backed away from him, and knew she would count the hours until she was back in his arms.

  EMILY HAD NEVER been on a bus, and the ride was over twenty hours—too long. She didn’t care if she ever traveled again. She just wanted to get back home—to Canaan. To the place where she planned to spend the rest of her life. Her Promised Land, where new beginnings were blessed by God.

  When they arrived at the hotel, Emily was sure her accommodations would be the only neat thing about the trip. She had her own room with a television, alarm clock, beautiful big bed, and roomy bathroom. She wouldn’t have to worry about Levi using all the hot water before she bathed. But the fancy hotel room could only distract her for a short time.

  She heard a knock on the door and opened it.

  “Do you like the room?” Mamm walked in. “It’s much like our room.”

  “Ya. It’s very nice.” Emily walked to the bed and sat down. Her mother took a seat beside her.

  Mamm grinned. “Don’t get used to it.”

  Emily forced a smile.

  “Emily, the lawyer Daed hired called us awhile ago.”

  Emily’s stomach churned, and she wished she could just run out of the room and catch a bus back home, no matter how long the ride. She waited for her mother to go on.

  “James has made a full confession, but you’re still going to have to briefly tell what happened to you so that the judge can decide on his punishment.” Mamm took a deep breath. “Emily, what he did to you was such a bad thing, but we need to pray for his family. They are shamed beyond anything we can imagine, and they will be in the courtroom tomorrow as well. His lawyer will be asking that he not go to a regular jail, but instead go to a place where he can get help with this rage he has. What he did to you was terrible, and we don’t want him doing this to anyone else.” Mamm twisted to face her. “Mr. Webster, the lawyer, said that the judge will most likely ask you how you feel about having James not go to jail, but go somewhere else to get help. So I know we’ve discussed some of this before, but I want you to pray about this. And pray for James and his family.”

  “I will.” Emily had already forgiven James, and she couldn’t imagine what his family must be going through.

  Mamm patted her on the leg. “All right. I’m going to go to bed. You should probably do the same.” She smiled. “Don’t spend too long soaking in that big bathtub.”

  Ting would go, but none of what he said eased her anxiety. She’d even thrown up earlier that morning, and her entire body was shaking as she entered the large room.HE NEXT MORNING Emily walked into the courtroom with her parents and Mr. Webster. They’d already been there an hour, and Mr. Webster had explained to Emily how the morn

  She kept her eyes straight ahead as she and her parents moved down the aisle toward a large bench. Emily knew that’s where the judge would sit. A woman was sitting at a small desk to the right of the judge’s desk, typing. There were long benches on either side of them, and Emily could see out of the corner of her eye that they were mostly empty.

  Emily, her parents, and Mr. Webster took a seat at one of two tables facing the judge. Emily shivered in the air-conditioning, and her mother latched onto her hand.

  “It’s going to be all right, Emily.”

  Emily glanced at her father, surprised to see his face was incredibly pale. He’d said very little during their trip.

  About ten minutes later, James and his family walked into the courtroom. Mr. Webster told her not to look at James, so Emily tried to keep her eyes from drifting in their direction. Her stomach roiled in such a way that she prayed she didn’t vomit right there in the courtroom. Mamm squeezed her hand.

  Everyone stood up when the judge walked into the room. The elderly, gray-haired man wore gold-rimmed glasses and a long black robe. If James hadn’t been in the room, Emily would have thought he was the scariest person she’d ever seen. Her heart started to beat so fast, she put her hand to her chest.

  Please, dear Lord, please help me to get through this and to say the right things. And please have mercy on James and help him to get the help he needs.

  Emily continued to silently pray while the judge and lawyers talked about a lot of things she didn’t understand. Then Mr. Webster said, “We call Emily Detweiler.” She knew it was her time to come forward.

  “God is with you, Emily,” her mother whispered as she stood up.

  But before she moved from the long desk to go up front, her father stood up. He turned to Emily, tears in his eyes. Daed opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but instead, he embraced her. Then he whispered in her ear, “I love you, my precious maedel. May our Lord be with you.”

  “I love you, Daed.” Emily eased out of the hug and moved past her father. She kept her eyes locked on the judge. His expression seemed to soften as she approached him. She sat down to his left in a big chair that faced everyone in the room. She locked eyes with James for the first time since her attack, and she couldn’t find any sign of remorse in his stony glare. Surely he is sorry for what he did.

  Emily’s eyes filled with water, and she shifted her gaze to her mother. Then to her father. Then to the total strangers seated in front of her. She felt dizzy, and she was certain that there was no way she could talk about what happened in front of all these people. Mr. Webster approached her, and after asking her to place her hand on a Bible and promise to tell the truth, he said, “Emily, can you tell the court what happened to you on the evening of August twelfth?”

  Her hands were clammy, her lip trembling, and the rest of her body wouldn’t stop shaking. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She stared around the courtroom. Again, she focused on her mother, then her father.

  Then the courtroom seemed to cloud in front of her, like the fogs that she remembered forming in their Middlefield yard. They started far off, then slowly moved toward the house and settled across their farmland. Her vision was hazy, and she could vaguely hear Mr. Webster’s voice, as if he were a long way away. But then she heard another voice loud and clear.

  Seek Me with all your heart, Emily.

  She squeezed her eyes closed. Help me, Lord.

  I am here, My child. You are your Father’s child.

  Slowly, the fog lifted and she saw everyone in the room waiting. She scanned the room, looking for the strength to push forward. As she locked eyes with her father—eyes filled with strength and determination—she knew that his love, and her heavenly Father’s, would see her through this.

  She took a deep breath as she recalled the events of August twelfth. She could feel James’s eyes on her, but she stayed connected with her father, who gave her a nod.

  “I had a date.” She watched Daed to see if she would see disappointment in his eyes, but she didn’t. “A date with James Miller.”

  “Can you point to whom you’re referrin
g?” Mr. Webster edged slightly closer to her, and Emily pulled her eyes from her father’s. James looked straight ahead, not making eye contact with anyone, and forgiveness flooded over Emily as she pointed her finger at him. I hope you get the help you need, James.

  Mr. Webster told everyone that Emily identified James Miller as her attacker, then he asked her to go on.

  “I was supposed to have gone to my Onkel Abram’s birthday party, but James had already asked me to have supper with him at the diner.” She hung her head for a moment, then locked eyes with her father again. His expression hadn’t changed. “I lied to my parents and said I was sick.”

  “And what happened, Emily, when you got to the diner?”

  “We ordered baked chicken, potatoes, green beans, and a roll.” She paused. “And shoofly pie for dessert.”

  A smile tipped at the corner of Mr. Webster’s mouth. “That sounds good, Emily. Can you tell us what happened after your dinner with Mr. Miller? Did he have a car?”

  “Ya. He’s in his rumschpringe, and he had a car that he kept mostly hidden from his folks. But I think they knew he had it.” Emily turned toward Sarah Miller, James’s mother. Sarah’s bottom lip was trembling, and Emily wished more than anything that she didn’t have to continue. “We—we went to his car after we ate.”

  “Where was his car, Emily?”

  “In the alley behind Raber’s Diner.”

  Mr. Webster walked closer to where Emily was sitting. “Take your time, Emily. What do you remember happening next?”

  “We were laughing as we sat in his car. We saw a man walk by the alley with a pink hat on his head, and he was dressed in green and white polka dots.” Emily smiled slightly, glad for a momentary distraction. “He was in costume for something, I’m sure. But we thought it was very funny.”