Anna

by Amanda Prowse

  Theo leant forward with his elbows resting on his knees, now fully awake, his words spoken over his shoulder, no doubt easier without having to see her expression. ‘I can only keep repeating the facts to you and hope, no pray, that they resonate, because I have to tell you that I am beyond weary of this discussion. It is exhausting and damaging and it drives tiny wedges between us that I fear will be harder to remove than we might think.’

  ‘Don’t say that! Please don’t say that! I love you!’ She placed her hand on his back and saw him nod. Her heart raced.

  ‘And I love you too, but every time we go back to square one, I wonder if it’s enough.’

  There was a moment or two of silence, each allowing the enormity of his words to permeate.

  ‘I just wish I understood—’

  ‘All right, Anna!’ He jumped up from the sofa. ‘I will try and make you understand.’

  She shrank back against the seat cushions with a flutter of fear in her chest, unaccustomed to him using this tone.

  ‘I spent night after night in a gloomy, cold school, wishing I was someone else, somewhere else. My life was hell. I was ripped apart each and every day. Bullied mercilessly by those fucking idiots. I was exhausted, afraid and lonely. I didn’t have a refuge—’

  She opened her mouth to speak. He held up a palm, cutting her short.

  ‘And before you say another word, I know it was similar for you. But I don’t know how to be a dad. There’s stuff you don’t know about—’

  ‘What do you mean, “stuff I don’t know about”?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ he countered nonsensically. ‘But I do know I can’t bear the idea of a child of mine going through what I went through. I just can’t! And my parents would insist that any child of mine went to Vaizey, a family tradition—’

  ‘That’s nuts. We can send them to any school we choose!’

  ‘God, you just don’t get it, do you? It’s not that simple. I work for the company, they own a chunk of our house, they own our car, it’s just how it is – we’re tied to them.’ He was shouting now. ‘Vaizey College is part of that. And we can laugh about being weird, outsiders even, and it’s all well and good for us now, but it was a bloody difficult path to get here, torturous, and I cannot in all conscience, in fact, I won’t, allow a child to walk that path. If it wasn’t for Mr Porter, well, I hate to think, but there were times when I tried to think of a way out, and if I could have walked to a high bridge or a cliff edge—’

  ‘Theo, no! Please don’t say that. Please don’t!’ She placed her hands over her ears, couldn’t bear to hear what might come next. Instantly picturing the moment Joe left the house for the last time.

  ‘Oh God, Anna.’ Theo sank down onto the sofa edge and pulled her hands from the sides of her head, holding them in his own. ‘I forgot. That was insensitive of me. I’m sorry, but I’m only telling you the truth. There were some dark, dark times for me.’

  She felt the emotion coming through his shaking arms like a current.

  ‘But what if our children don’t suffer as you did, what if they have a lovely, happy life, guided by us? What if they go to a local school because they are our kids and we insist on it? What if they go through life as I did for my first nine years, knowing nothing but love and happiness? It was only my mum dying that changed my life, because up until that point it was a good life, a wonderful life!’ Her voice faltered. ‘Why can’t it be like that for our children? Why can’t we think of it like that? Instead of the worst-case scenario, let’s think of the best.’

  ‘I don’t think you hear me, Anna. I don’t think you hear what I say.’ He released her arms and sat back down next to her.

  Both stared at the fire. The ensuing silence calmed them. She mentally regrouped and when she finally spoke, she did so calmly, without the tension that had laced her words earlier. She noted that her husband responded differently. Gone was his visceral rejection of all she said. Instead, he sat with his head tilted and his expression neutral.

  ‘I do hear you, Theo. I do. And I think the most important thing right now is that we keep talking.’

  ‘Okay.’

  These two syllables meant more to her than he could have imagined. ‘I know that what you went through has clouded your view of the world and that is a shame because we all have choices. I was only nine, and a young nine at that. And I remember sitting in the school corridor and I felt like everyone that walked past knew what had happened and was stealing glances at me. Maybe they did or maybe that was my imagination. It’s hard to know. Everything about that time is foggy, as if I was looking at the world through a dirty lens. And even though I was broken, I held the image of my mum’s smiling face in my mind and she kept repeating, “It’s okay, Anna Bee, you are going to be okay.” I even nodded occasionally to show the mum in my mind that I had understood, even though I didn’t believe it. I thought I was never going to be okay ever again.’

  She looked up, happy that he was listening intently to her. It gave her the confidence to continue. ‘I had only known a world of clean sheets, warm blankets, Saturday markets, Sunday fry-ups, hot sunny afternoons, homemade cakes, letters to Father Christmas, hard leather school shoes that you had to break in, gym knickers, bedtime stories, Easter eggs that we gobbled up on the spot, simple birthday parties where we sat under a sheet in the front room eating sandwiches, dancing to the radio, summer day trips to the sea, sweets once a week and a brother who farted on the bus to make me laugh.’

  Theo gave a soft snort of laughter. She smiled at him.

  ‘That was my life. Everything about me was average – build, height, looks, intelligence, the lot. There was nothing about me to make anyone look twice, unless you were my mum – she looked at me, looked at both me and Joe, as if we had just floated down from heaven. And the point is, every little experience built a small piece of armour that helped me to survive when things went wrong. And things did go wrong, Theo. Badly wrong. My life changed in ways so huge that my mind couldn’t think about it. But everything I had experienced taught me that happy was possible! And that’s the magic. I never ever stopped looking for it and then I found you.’

  She looked up, shocked to realise that he was crying. He never cried.

  ‘But that’s just it, Anna Bee. What if you’ve got no model for being a good dad, no experience of it at all? What if all you’ve got to pass on is this feeling of dread and misery and wondering every day whether you’re doing the wrong thing?’

  Anna stared at her husband, but try as she might, she couldn’t find the words that would placate them both. Instead, she leant forward and held him close, letting him cry.

  *

  With Theo upstairs taking a pre-bedtime shower, Anna stacked the dishwasher and let Griff out for his night-time wee. ‘Good boy, darling.’ She smoothed his head lovingly. Switching off the main light, she took joy from the subdued glow of the lamp, much easier on her tired eyes and appropriate she felt for the late hour. She reached into the kitchen drawer and retrieved her notebook and pen. Then she walked slowly to the table and pulled out a chair. It was with a heavy heart that she began to write.

  Fifi and Fox,

  Here it is.

  She paused, feeling a twinge in her chest, sadness manifested, before taking a breath and continuing.

  I have never been so close to giving up on my dream of you.

  Never.

  I sit here at the kitchen table, writing with tears trickling down my face at these words. It’s a hard thing for me to write, and an even harder thing to imagine. But, like always, I have to try and carry on, find the good, because there is one thing I know with absolute certainty and it’s this – if I give in to the deep, cold sadness that lurks inside me, if I submit to the lonely longing for the people who have left me and the things I can’t have, then the darkness will take hold. It will fill me right up and it will drown me.

  I can’t let that happen. Because while I am here there is always hope. Know, my darlings, that life is wo
rth living. Life is worth living! It’s up to us what shape that life takes. I had reason more than most to let my life crush me, but I didn’t let it. I fought against it. And I will keep fighting – fighting to find the happy in this good, lucky life I have made, this life I share with Theo.

  I will keep positive. I won’t give up. I won’t.

  Anna

  (I hardly dare write Mummy – it feels a lot like tempting fate.)

  She pushed the pad and pen away from her, becoming aware of an echo in her mind. In an instant she was quite overcome by a dizziness that made the room spin. With her palms pressed flat on the tabletop, she straightened up, before placing her hand on her forehead, which felt a little clammy. She took deep breaths and loosened the neck of her jersey.

  Anna heard a whisper coming from the doorway.

  She turned slowly towards the noise.

  Squinting now, as surely her eyes must be deceiving her, she placed her hand over her mouth and stared, shocked, surprised and delighted to see her mum, Karen Cole, standing there with her arms outstretched.

  There was a second before she found her voice. ‘Oh my God!’

  Anna felt nothing but a rush of love for the woman she had missed so much. It was beyond wonderful to see her. She cocked her head to one side to listen to the words her mum was whispering from a smiling mouth, both of them overwhelmed by the joy of their reunion.

  She placed her hand at her chest and took a sharp breath as she stood.

  ‘Mummy! My mummy... I’ve missed you! All my life I’ve missed you! It never got easier, never.’ She pointed towards the open window. ‘Look! Look at the garden!’ As she turned her head towards the window, she noticed the lemon tree sitting on the windowsill, each branch sagging under the weight of several bright, ripe fruits. She smiled. ‘Oh! How beautiful!’

  Her mum walked forward and gently took her daughter into her arms, wrapping her in a warm hug that soothed her bones and covered her with a blanket of peace.

  ‘Anna...

  ‘Bee...

  ‘Come with me...

  ‘Darling girl.’

  As realisation dawned, Anna felt the swell of panic.

  ‘Oh no! No, Mum, I’m not ready. Not ready at all. This can’t be my time! No!’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t want to leave Theo! I love him, Mum! Please!’

  Karen Cole placed her hands on either side of her child’s head and whispered, ‘It will all be okay. Everything will be okay.’

  Anna had no choice but to trust her. She felt her body yield in submission, and as she stumbled backwards she took one last look at her beloved Griff.

  Falling to the floor, she heard Theo speaking, his tone urgent, but his words were muffled. She felt him gently push the blue tea towel from the Aga under her head.

  ‘Anna!’

  She was aware of the note of hysteria to his yell, the last thing she heard before being enveloped in darkness.

  16

  Theo was crying loudly. His sobs were interspersed with noisy, stuttering hiccups. This was the sound Anna opened her eyes to.

  ‘Are you still here?’ she croaked.

  ‘Yes, I’m not leaving you.’ He reached for her hand and kissed her fingers.

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve sat there all night. You should go home, get some sleep. They’ve run all the tests and I’m fine, Theo. I just fainted.’ She swallowed. She was thirsty.

  ‘You didn’t just faint – you were unconscious for... for... I don’t know, it seemed like bloody ages.’ Theo’s bottom lip trembled again. ‘And you heard what they said – you have an irregular heartbeat.’

  ‘Theo, millions of people have an irregular heartbeat and never even know about it. They only found it because they were looking, if you know what I mean.’ She smiled.

  ‘But they did find it and... and... I can’t help thinking that you fainted because you were stressed—’ A big sob cut him short. ‘Because... Because I upset you when we were talking about... babies, and if you hadn’t been so worked up... And if I’d been a bit more understanding...’ He raked his fingers through his hair and sniffed dejectedly. ‘It’s my fault.’

  She shook her head against the pillow. ‘This isn’t your fault. I was feeling pants and then, sparko!’

  ‘I was so worried.’ He wiped his eyes. ‘I am still worried.’

  ‘Please don’t be, or I will be worrying about you worrying about me and that won’t do either of us any good.’ She raised a small smile, wishing the sick feeling in her stomach would pass and that the room would stop spinning.

  ‘We’re going to get you the best care, you can see any specialist – we’ll make you better.’

  ‘I don’t want a fuss and I don’t want to see a specialist. I am honestly fine.’

  Theo leant in and rested his cheek on her arm, as close as he could get from his position in the chair next to her bed. His words were whispered, intended for her ears only. ‘I love you, Anna Montgomery. I love you so much. You mean the world to me. I couldn’t bear to lose you. It’s you and me against the world, remember?’

  ‘Yep. You and me against the world.’ She felt a surge of love for her man.

  ‘I need you by my side, Anna. No one understands me like you do, no one loves me like you do. Without you, I’m not sure I could dodge the puddles of shit – I’d just drop straight in and never resurface.’

  He closed his eyes, and she smiled, remembering how on their first date she’d summarised her life to that point: mostly good, happy but with the occasional need to dodge a puddle of shit.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere, Theo, I promise. Although in the seconds before I fainted, I had the weirdest thing...’ She paused and shut her eyes briefly, remembering the encounter.

  ‘What was it?’

  ‘I... I saw my mum!’

  ‘Your mum?’ She saw his face twitch in disbelief.

  ‘Yes! She was in the doorway of the kitchen and she was smiling at me.’ Anna felt the slip of tears along her right temple. ‘It was so lovely to see her, she looked beautiful and she looked happy and I showed her the garden. She always wanted a garden.’ She broke off, overcome by the emotion of it.

  ‘Oh, darling. Was it a dream?’

  She nodded lightly. ‘Like a dream, but—’

  ‘But it’s upset you nonetheless. I understand.’

  ‘No, Theo, it hasn’t upset me. It was lovely, so, so lovely to see her face and hear her voice. She called me Anna Bee. I’d forgotten what she sounded like and there she was, it was so real...’

  Theo grabbed her hand now and squeezed it tight, like he was willing himself to tell her something. She sighed, hoping they weren’t going to have to go over everything all over again. It was true, she didn’t feel that bad, and she wasn’t especially worried about having fainted, but she was still tired and she just wanted them to sit there together, quietly, peacefully. He squeezed her hand again and then a great rush of words came out of him. She had to put all her attention on him just to be sure she wasn’t getting the wrong end of the stick.

  ‘So, I’ve been thinking, Anna, I want to give you what you want, I will need your help, but we should go for it, we should have our baby. Our baby! I decided, last night when you were lying there on the floor, I decided that I’d been selfish and unfair and cowardly and that I couldn’t bear not to have you with me and so I made a promise to myself that—’

  ‘Oh, Theo! Really?’ She hoisted herself up in the bed and stared at him. ‘You mean it?’

  ‘I do.’ He smiled. ‘We can do it together, right?’

  ‘Yes! Yes, my darling, that’s right, we can do it together!’ She reached for him and snuggled into his arms, her brain galloping off at nineteen to the dozen. A baby, at last! She’d get Melissa to help with decorating the nursery, and she’d ask Lisa about baby gear, clothes and everything. She couldn’t wait to tell Jordan – a godfather, finally! She giggled, unable to contain the absolute joy that was bursting out of her. If fainting on the kitchen floor was what i
t had taken, then it was a price well worth paying.

  She’d just started visualising different sorts of pushchairs when a familiar voice called from the doorway.

  ‘What’s going on here then?’

  Anna looked over and was amazed to see Sylvie standing there in a stripey red tabard over her white cardigan and with her slippers firmly on her feet.

  ‘Sylvie! What are you doing here?’ Anna sat up slightly as Theo let her go, and rested on the pillows. ‘It’s so lovely to see you!’

  ‘I bumped into that gobby friend of yours—’

  ‘That’ll be me!’ Melissa shouted from behind Sylvie.

  ‘Yeah...’ Sylvie gestured behind her head with her thumb. ‘Her, and she said she’d had a message from his lordship.’ She now pointed at Theo.

  ‘Hi, I’m Theo.’ He stood, polite as ever, and walked over to shake her hand.

  Anna felt the smallest flash of unease as her husband met the woman who had nearly become her mother-in-law. But Sylvie’s reaction soon put paid to that.

  ‘I know who you are. Hello, darlin’.’ She hugged Theo to her. ‘Anyway, she’d just got the message saying you’d been taken poorly and she was on her way here and I said I’d come too. I gave Nitz the keys so Cheryl could let the kids in from school. I usually give them their lunch on a Wednesday, and I’d already got the fish fingers out of the freezer. Anyway, here I am.’

  Anna looked at Theo, his expression one of confusion, as if Sylvie was speaking another language.

  ‘Would you like to sit down?’ He offered her his seat, which she took.

  ‘You sound like a newsreader. Very nice.’ Sylvie winked at Anna.

  ‘Thank you. I think.’ Theo looked at Melissa and Anna watched the two of them exchange a smile.

  ‘It’s lovely of you to come, but I’m fine, honestly. I didn’t want to worry anyone.’ She had to admit it felt good to know she was this loved, that people were bothering about her.