Anna

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘Theo said it was your heart?’ Melissa looked at her friend with tears in her eyes.

  ‘Don’t cry, Melissa. He’s just panicking. I’m fine.’

  ‘You’d better stop saying you’re fine or they’ll have you out of this bed!’ Sylvie huffed. ‘I know what they’re like in here. If I were you, I’d shut up and milk it. I wouldn’t need asking twice if someone told me to lie down in clean sheets while they brought me tea.’

  ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ Theo offered.

  ‘Oh lovely, darlin’, yes, white none. He’s a good boy.’ She voiced her approval and Anna beamed.

  Yes, he is – and he’s going to be a good, good dad!

  ‘Right. White none coming up.’ He caught Anna’s eye before creeping from the room.

  ‘You can’t go around scaring us like that, honey.’ Melissa stood at the end of the bed and squeezed her friend’s toes inside the blanket. ‘Theo sounded beside himself. How are you feeling really? Speak quickly before Mr Panic Pants comes back in.’

  Anna shook her head. ‘Genuinely okay! Just a bit out of sorts – dizzy, sick, and I don’t know... exhausted.’

  ‘Ever been bitten by a tick?’ Sylvie asked, folding her arms under her bosom and crossing her slippered feet under the chair.

  ‘A tick?’

  ‘Yep.’ Sylvie reached for an embroidered handkerchief stowed up her sleeve and blew her nose. ‘Our Colin’s Susan went out with a fella from the Lake District – bit of a hiker, bit of a dickhead, actually, but that’s by the bye – anyways, he had all your symptoms and turned out he’d been bitten by a tick, had that lemon thing.’

  ‘Lemon thing?’ Melissa stared at Sylvie quizzically.

  ‘Yes!’ Sylvie nodded emphatically. ‘A proper disease with all the symptoms the girl’s mentioning.’ She pointed at Anna lest there be any doubt as to the girl in question.

  Melissa looked at Anna and when she was confident Sylvie wasn’t looking she twirled her finger at her temple.

  ‘I don’t think I’ve been bitten by a tick – would I know?’ Anna smiled, enjoying the company of two of her favourite people in the world, even if it was in a hospital ward and she was feeling off colour.

  ‘Here we go.’ Theo walked in and handed Sylvie a Styrofoam cup of tea.

  ‘You are a poppet.’ Sylvie took a sip. ‘Here you go, you sit down, Melanie, I want to look out of the window.’

  Melissa didn’t correct Sylvie but sat in the chair and took her friend’s hand. ‘You have to take good care of you.’

  ‘That’s what I’ve been telling her,’ Theo echoed.

  ‘Ooh, I can see Hammersmith Bridge from here!’ Sylvie called excitedly as she stood on tiptoes and peered through the blinds.

  ‘Oh, dar-ling! I got here as soon as I could!’ Everyone in the room turned to see Stella, who swept in with her hair just so, lipstick immaculate and her pearls resting on a navy cashmere twinset.

  Anna looked at Theo, wondering if there was anyone he hadn’t contacted.

  ‘Not lemons! Limes! What am I like?’ Sylvie suddenly screeched. ‘It’s limes disease, or something like that! Lemons, limes, same bloody thing, just a different colour.’

  ‘You have Lyme disease?’ Stella placed a hand at her chest, clearly alarmed at the possibility of catching something from her daughter-in-law. She arched a disapproving eyebrow at Sylvie.

  ‘No, no!’ Theo addressed his mother. ‘She hasn’t got a disease, she just fainted and I’ve been organising tea.’

  ‘Ah!’ Stella nodded and smiled knowingly. ‘Well, that explains a lot.’ She looked at Sylvie and spoke slowly, over-enunciating for good measure. ‘I’ll have a cup of Earl Grey if you have one, or anything herbal – mint or camomile would be fine. No milk.’

  They all looked to Sylvie, waiting for her response at having been mistaken for the charlady.

  ‘You want a cup of tea?’ Sylvie asked.

  ‘Yes. Yes, please. Earl Grey,’ Stella repeated, shaking her wrap from her shoulders and folding it with her manicured hands.

  ‘If you want a cup of tea, Princess Margaret, you can get it your bleedin’ self!’

  *

  A couple of hours later, Anna and Theo were enjoying the peace and quiet. All visitors had left and it was just the two of them in the room, holding hands.

  ‘I shan’t ever forget the look on your mother’s face when Sylvie called her Princess Margaret.’ Anna gave a small, quiet chuckle despite her fatigue.

  ‘I think what most offended Mum was that she has met Princess Margaret quite a few times and she’s at least a decade younger.’

  Anna smiled and yawned.

  ‘You’re tired, go to sleep and I’ll sit here and guard you. As soon as the doctor comes to say we can go, I’ll wake you, I promise.’

  Anna closed her eyes and tried desperately to summon her mum, who now loomed large in her mind. Small details of her had faded over the years, but now she was once again able to recall the exact shape of her mouth, the particular way her hair fell over her face. It was so exciting to have this whole new way to remember her. Mum, she whispered to her in her head, you’re going to be a grandmother! Soon! Very soon!

  She heard the creak to the door and opened her eyes. It was the consultant, a smiling, curt, officious man in his mid sixties.

  ‘How are we feeling?’ he asked as he looked at her notes, held fast by a bulldog clip at the top of his clipboard.

  ‘Okay. Ready to go home.’

  ‘Good. Good.’ He flipped the pages and held the clipboard behind his back. ‘We have all your test results.’

  ‘Right.’ Theo sat forward in the chair and gripped her hand.

  ‘As we discussed earlier, your heart is nothing to worry about at this stage, but with your family history we will keep an eye on it.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She squeezed Theo’s hand. See, nothing to worry about.

  ‘There was something else, however.’ He paused. ‘I know you mentioned irregular periods.’

  ‘Yes. I’ve been a bit stressed and I know that can affect them.’ She nodded.

  ‘It’s a bit more than that, I’m afraid.’

  Theo’s head shot up, and Anna held her breath.

  ‘We ran some blood tests and your hormones are drastically out of balance. It would seem that you are in the middle of early menopause.’

  Anna slowly let go of Theo’s hand and sat up in the bed. ‘What does that mean?’ she whispered.

  I know what it means! But I need you to say it! Because I might be dreaming again. Please, God, say I am dreaming again, this can’t be happening to me, it can’t!

  ‘It means, Anna, that your fertility is coming to an end. Your menstrual cycle is slowing, hence the irregularity of your periods and, along with other symptoms, your fatigue, disturbed sleep, mood swings.’

  Theo looked at her. These symptoms sounded familiar to both of them.

  ‘I’m getting older on the inside quicker than I am on the outside,’ she whispered as her heart thumped in her chest.

  ‘You are far from old, Anna. Plenty of women go through this at a young age and we don’t fully know why. Early menopause can just happen. At thirty it’s unfortunate but not so out of the ordinary.’

  But why has it happened to me?

  ‘So it means no more periods?’ Theo said, looking stunned but trying to find the silver lining.

  ‘No more periods,’ she whispered. ‘No baby.’ Too late. She hadn’t realised she was crying, but fat tears were clogging her nose and throat and making speech painful. ‘Oh, Theo! No... no... baby. Not now. Not ever. Not... with you. Not with anyone.’ She sobbed into her sleeve.

  The doctor tapped the end of the bed. ‘I am very sorry. I shall leave you to gather your things.’ He turned and walked briskly from the room.

  Theo reached out and took her hand into his. She wanted to pull it away, wanted to retreat, but at the same time she welcomed the skin-to-skin contact. She left her hand where it was.

&nb
sp; ‘Oh, Anna!’

  She took a huge breath, forced a slanted smile and wiped away her tears. ‘I’m trying to keep it together, Theo, I really am. Because if I give in to all this, I just might crack. I am hurt and sad and scared and furious.’ She paused. ‘I feel destroyed,’ she murmured. ‘That’s exactly it. I feel completely destroyed.’ Her small voice wavered.

  ‘I can... I can only imagine what you’re feeling,’ he stuttered. ‘We will get through this together. Okay?’ He reached round and slid his arm across her back, planting a kiss on her scalp.

  Anna grabbed at his shirtfront as a loud, loud sob left her throat, and then her sadness boiled over into rage and she screamed, ‘No, Theo! Please, no! It’s all I ever wanted!’ She cried noisily, messily, clinging onto him for dear life. ‘I wanted my babies. That is all I have ever wanted! Please, Theo. Oh God! Please, no!’

  He wrapped her in his arms and rocked her gently until finally her crying ceased and she felt able to pack up to go home.

  He left the room briefly and slowly, wretchedly, she climbed into her pants and jeans, tied up her trainers and slipped her jersey over her head. She slumped back down onto the bed.

  Why me? Why? It was all I wanted...

  ‘How are you doing?’ Theo whispered when he came back in.

  Anna shrugged and bit her lip.

  He took up the seat by her bedside and again reached for her hand. ‘I meant what I said earlier about making a pact when you were on the kitchen floor, when I thought...’ He gulped. ‘When I thought I might lose you.’

  She turned her head towards him.

  ‘I meant every word – that we should have a baby, that I will be a dad for you, with you.’

  Her tears fell quickly and her voice when it came was barely more than a whisper. ‘Bit late now,’ she managed, disliking the flare of anger she felt towards this man who had left it too long. Too late.

  ‘No, my darling! There will be a way. We’ll find a way. We could... We could adopt! We could become parents that way – we could do it, we could!’ He gripped her, clearly pleased that this might be something they could focus on. ‘You know more than most how every kid needs a home. We might not be able to... to have a child, but we can help one. Give one a happy home, just like you’ve always wanted. We can teach it like your mum taught you – how to be strong, how to survive!’

  ‘Or two.’ Anna managed a small smile. Through her tears, through the intense pain that was tearing at her heart, she could just about hold on to what Theo was saying. He was right, they could save a child, or two. ‘Two kids.’

  ‘Yes, my Anna. Or two.’ He placed his head on the side of the bed.

  She watched his mouth move, as if offering up a silent prayer.

  *

  Theo went to fetch the car and left her in the hospital waiting room. She barely noticed the comings and goings in and out of the glass doors. Her eyes felt swollen and her body empty, numb. How could this happen to her?

  Fifi and Fox, I can hardly bear to think of you, lost for ever somewhere...

  ‘Anna?’

  She looked up at the sound of her name and stared at the woman in front of her.

  ‘Anna? It’s me!’

  It took a second or two for her to recognise the face – older, slimmer, and with new piercings in the nose and eyebrow, but still unmistakeably the face of her old roommate and friend. Shania! It was a shock from the last time she had seen her, a welcome, wonderful shock!

  ‘Oh! Oh, Shania!’ Anna stood and wrapped her arms around her friend. There was no one else in the world she wanted to see more – well, no one living.

  Shania buried her face in her shoulder and there they stood in the busy foyer, each taking joy from the presence of the other. Eventually they pulled apart.

  ‘Look at you!’ Shania ran her fingers through Anna’s hair. ‘You are all grown up.’

  ‘Not really.’ She smiled at the girl she had missed. ‘And look at you! You look really well.’ She chose not to mention their last encounter, knowing that Shania would most likely not remember it, or at least not want to remember it. ‘What are you doing here?’

  Shania pointed downwards and Anna noticed the unmistakeable swell of a pregnancy bump. ‘Early days, but here we are!’

  ‘Oh God! That is...’ Anna swallowed her tears. ‘That is amazing! You look so well, you clever old thing.’ She detested the musket ball of envy that stuck in her throat, knowing it came from a place beyond her control and not wishing her friend anything but good.

  ‘Less of the old, if you don’t mind.’ Shania chuckled. ‘What about you, what are you here for? Are you sick? You look like shit,’ she said with typical candour and a flash of protective concern that Anna remembered from Mead House.

  ‘No, I’m not sick. Just... just going home actually, been having a few tests.’ She suppressed the howl that built in her chest, not wanting to do anything to detract from her friend’s wonderful, joyous news.

  ‘I can’t believe it! My old mate, Anna with the core of steel!’

  Not really, Shania. I’m already broken. I’m dust.

  ‘So how can I get hold of you?’ Shania asked eagerly. ‘I’ve got to go in.’ She pointed along the corridor. ‘Plus we have way more to catch up on than we can do in a few minutes here.’

  Anna opened her handbag and pulled out one of the fancy cards that Theo had had printed with their home address and number; for the second time, she gave her number to her friend. ‘Here, call me here, anytime, please. I would dearly love to see you.’ Anna held her close once more.

  ‘I will. I promise.’ Shania planted a kiss on her cheek. ‘It’s good to see you, doll.’

  ‘It’s good to see you too.’

  Anna watched her friend walk away into the bowels of the hospital, waving until she was out of sight. Theo beeped and she looked out, making her way into the fresh air, her vision clouded by tears and her heart fit to burst.

  ‘It’s okay. In you get, my love.’ Theo opened the passenger door and helped her slide onto the leather upholstery of his luxury car.

  As he nipped round to the driver’s side, Anna pulled down the sun visor and spoke to the little mirror and the face that stared back at her. ‘I don’t think it is okay. I don’t think anything will ever be okay again.’ She sniffed as Theo climbed back in and revved the engine. ‘Did... Did you mean what you said about adoption?’ She hardly dared ask.

  ‘I did.’ He looked at her earnestly. ‘I really did.’

  17

  ‘So, tell me once again.’

  It was two months since Anna’s fainting spell and emergency dash to the hospital. Tonight she sat at the kitchen table, topped up her large glass of white and took a slug, as if his announcement or more accurately her response to it might require this Dutch courage.

  ‘I’ve bought the warehouse in Bristol. I did it!’ Theo grinned as if he were a schoolboy trying to convince her that his hare-brained scheme might just work. ‘I thought about what my dad said, that I should put my money where my mouth is, and I did it!’

  ‘For how much?’

  ‘A little under a million.’

  ‘Wow!’

  Anna was torn. Part of her was delighted Theo was finally following his heart, building studios as safe houses for kids straight out of care. This had been his business proposal to his dad all those weeks ago, to buy a warehouse near the docks, convert it into studios and do some good. It all sounded sensible. But part of her was concerned that at this point in time, just as they were starting down the route to adoption, he was risking all of their security, their routine, to buy a warehouse in a city she had never even visited. She hated the thought that this might be the thing that stopped her from becoming a mum. The possibility was more than she could stand.

  ‘And it doesn’t have planning permission?’

  ‘Yet. No planning permission yet.’ He drummed his fingers. ‘That’s the critical word, but the potential is huge!’

  ‘And you did this wi
th our money, not the company’s?’

  ‘Yes. All of our money, in fact.’ He gave a small, nervous laugh.

  ‘And you get mad when your parents don’t tell you things? Wow!’

  Anna emptied her glass and reached again for the bottle. It wasn’t the amount of money that was the issue – that sort of sum never felt real to her anyway. No, her main hurt stemmed from the fact that in spite of telling her constantly how they were a partnership in every sense, Theo had made the decision alone, a huge decision that had the power to affect every aspect of their future. His actions told her in no uncertain terms that neither her permission, approval nor even her knowledge of the transaction was required. It made her feel invalid, like sticks on a river – a feeling she had forgotten of late.

  ‘I know it sounds reckless and seems a bit of a gamble.’

  It was Anna’s turn to give an uncomfortable laugh. ‘Ya think?’

  He reached across the table and gripped her wine-free hand. ‘It’s a beautiful red-brick warehouse with a view over the bend in the river looking down towards the Avon Gorge. The original tilt windows are still in situ and it has two towering chimneys. It reeks of history, Anna! And I can see the finished units in my mind’s eye.’ He used his hand to draw a line in the air. ‘Wide, open-plan spaces with industrial detailing and simple kitchens and bathrooms – somewhere those kids can be proud of. All the floors will be stripped back and we’ll use waxed ship’s timbers. It’ll be loft living on the water with beautiful Bristol as a backdrop. And the beneficiaries will be young people who need the support, people like Shania!’ He smiled at her. ‘This is the first thing I have done on my own, and it feels good! I know the business, Anna. I know we can make money on this and make a difference.’

  ‘But your dad didn’t seem to think so?’

  The set of his jaw told her that she shouldn’t have mentioned this, but that was just too bad.

  ‘He didn’t even consider it because it was my suggestion. You know how he is.’ He sat back in the chair. ‘If it had come from anyone else on the board or he’d thought of it himself, it would be a different matter. The numbers are solid and I am excited about the whole project. For the first time ever, I am excited about a project, and I would like you to be excited about it too.’