Dangerous Secrets

by Sidney Bristol

  This was for real.

  He was going to be a dad.

  The excitement that had died when the truth came back last time was a sweet memory. Back then it had been a slow build in part because he had to figure his shit out. Now, he knew who he wanted to be. It was just a process of getting there.

  “I don’t want to lose you because I messed up.” She leaned against his shoulder.

  “Because you messed up?” He bumped her chin until she looked up at him. He was still processing the I am pregnant part. “What’s really bothering you?”

  “I don’t want to break up.”

  “Okay, well I don’t either, so next thing?”

  She blinked at him, her makeup running down her cheeks.

  Carson’s greatest fear was losing him. That hit him square in the chest more than any of her whispered I love you’s ever had. They’d come so far from where they’d begun, he almost didn’t recognize those people anymore.

  She was his world, and he was hers.

  “Do you not want a kid?” he asked.

  “I do.”

  “Do you not want this kid?”

  “I don’t want to get rid of it.”

  “Okay. Good. That’s a start.” He leaned over and kissed her cheek.

  “Okay?”

  “We’re keeping the kid and we’re staying together. That’s what I’m getting out of this. You?” He was going to be a father. A real one this time.

  Carson opened and closed her mouth, but there weren’t any more tears.

  She was going to be a hover-parent. She’d want to read all the books and do everything perfect. And he’d be there to tell her it was okay to make mistakes and fail. He’d sneak candy to the kid after bed time and break curfew. She’d get a few gray hairs from yelling at them, but in the end he was willing to bet that he could convince her to join in the fun.

  “That’s it? That’s everything?” she asked.

  “It’s a start.”

  “Ryan, there’s a lot to consider with having a child.”

  “We’ve got nine months to figure it out, right?”

  “Yeah, but...” She scooted around to face him.

  “But?” He shrugged and took her hand in his. “The timing kind of sucks, but maybe this is good?”

  “Good?”

  “Yeah. Maybe this is what we need, to jump into things.” It had worked for their relationship from the start.

  “What does that mean? Jump into things?”

  “Being parents.”

  “Okay.”

  “There’s only two things I want in this world.” He leaned forward and kissed her.

  “What’s that?”

  “You can’t feel it or anything yet, can you?” He pressed his free hand to her stomach.

  “No.”

  She laughed, and they both stared at his hand against her blouse. There was a baby in there. He’d grieved for the imaginary child they didn’t have. Before that he’d never realized he wanted to be a dad, but no it was happening.

  “The only two things I want in this world are you and to be the kind of dad I didn’t get.” He gave her a squeeze. “You know the kid’s middle name is going to have to be Karma, right?”

  “No.” She smacked his knee. “That’s wrong.”

  He laughed and kissed her cheek.

  This was Ryan’s chance to do it right. Finally. Everything else they could figure out as it happened so long as they were together. His little family.

  NINE MONTHS LATER...

  Carson had visions of what bringing her baby home would be like. How everything would be perfect. Her maternity clothes would be gone. Jessica had bought her that adorable maxi dress Carson wanted to wear home. She’d be comfortable. Family would be in the wings ready to fawn over the child.

  Reality was anything but.

  “Welcome home.” Ryan beamed at her, already settling into the role of excited new dad with gusto.

  “Is she still asleep? Did you check her?” Carson had hoped her waddling days were over, but after two days of being in labor, most of her still hurt.

  “She’s fine. You’re the one I’m worried about. Come on.” He took her hands and guided her through their tiny living room, down the hall and into the master bedroom.

  Their big, comfortable bed beckoned. After being in the hospital for a week between the delivery and recovering from her emergency C-section, the mattress was a slice of heaven. She was looking forward to lying down without having to dodge helpful suggestions from two sets of parents, Ryan’s mother and grandparents, plus all their friends. Jessica had already drawn the line at baby duty but she could be counted on to do the heavy lifting when it came to on-line ordering.

  She perched on the edge of the bed and stared at the bassinet at the end of the bed. From this angle she could just make out the profile of the tiny human they’d created.

  They were flying solo.

  There were no more nurses or moms around to tell them what they were doing wrong.

  It was all them.

  “Lift.” Ryan tapped her foot.

  She blinked at him loosening the laces on her shoe.

  “Come on, work with me here.” He chuckled.

  “You don’t have to do that.” She lifted a foot, and he slid the shoe off.

  “Are you kidding? This is like, the definition of my job right now.” He slid her other shoe off then grasped her ankles. “You want me to help you in bed?”

  While she missed her dignity, the idea of not gritting her teeth in pain was equally appealing.

  “Yes, please?”

  “As you wish. Ready?”

  He helped her into bed and even fluffed her pillows up just right.

  Heaven was being cradled by a dozen pillows while her baby slept soundly.

  Nine months ago Carson had been terrified of this moment, but with Ryan’s help she’d seen a future for them that could be happy. Sometimes she still feared they were moving too fast, and that Ryan was going to regret all of this, but that would not be today.

  Today everything was perfectly imperfect.

  “Taking a nap?” Ryan settled on the bed next to her.

  “If she’s sleeping, I sleep,” Carson mumbled.

  “Sage advice, mama.”

  Ryan slid his hand into hers. She mustered enough energy to squeeze his hand.

  Maybe the next time he asked her to marry him she’d finally say yes.

  “KARMA, DON’T. DON’T you do it.” Ryan pressed the tiny diaper tabs down as his newborn daughter kicked her legs.

  Her face was creased and turning red.

  “No, sh. Mommy just fell asleep—”

  Karma let out a wail so loud he felt his bones vibrating.

  Shit she had a pair of lungs on her.

  “Ryan?” Carson’s voice was thick with sleep.

  They hadn’t been home half an hour. He’d hoped to give Carson a little time to rest. He’d promised himself to stay awake and vigilant if the baby made even the smallest sound. But he’d fallen victim to the big, comfy bed’s spell and only just caught Karma’s first sounds of disgruntlement.

  “She’s fine. I just changed her is all.” He knelt over the angry-faced baby. “You cry if you’re wet, then you cry when you’re changed. Are you just going to cry all the time?”

  The headboard thumped against the wall. He really had to screw that thing down tighter, but for now it was an excellent warning device.

  “You aren’t getting out of bed, are you?” he called out.

  “I can’t see what you’re doing.”

  “You mean you can’t see if I’m doing things right?” Ryan scooped up his daughter and cradled her against his chest.

  “Ryan...”

  “Coming.”

  He’d had plans for their first day home with Amy Karma Scott, but with the weeklong hospital stay those were out the window. Still, he was only going to get one first day with his two ladies.

  Why not mine it for all he could? />
  Ryan stopped in the hall bath. Carson never used it so the vanity drawer made the perfect hiding place for the engagement ring, not that it was a secret. She’d seen it three—or was it four?—times. After they’d seen the first ultrasound of Amy Karma, he’d known this was what he wanted. With Jessica’s help he’d bought the perfect Carson style ring. But Carson needed time. She had to be confident he wasn’t rushing into things that he wouldn’t change his mind and regret their life together.

  Jessica had warned him about this that Carson had a glacier pace and he’d have to wear her down. Ryan had never expected things with Jessica to be like they were. She cheered for them, helped him understand Carson when she didn’t understand herself. In many ways she was like a sister to him now, part of their growing family.

  “Let’s go see mommy, huh? Can you hold on to this for me?”

  Karma’s little hand clenched on the ring.

  He was banking on Carson’s heightened emotional state influencing her into making a decision with her heart and not her mind.

  “Here she is.” Ryan stepped into the bedroom.

  Carson had re-situated herself into a sitting position. The little cat nap actually seemed to help. Then again, being away from the crowd of nurses and family was likely half of the stress.

  “Did you wipe her and—”

  “I followed the checklist exactly as you have it written out.” He delivered Karma into Carson’s arms and watched her face, the way the lines smoothed out and she smiled.

  “What—?” The frown returned as she caught sight of the ring clutched in Karma’s hand. “Ryan.”

  He chuckled and knelt by the side of the bed.

  Even if she said no, which she was likely to do, he’d just ask again some other time.

  “What? You had to know I’d hit you up again sometime soon.” He kissed her arm. “All those new mom emotions might make you rethink things.”

  Karma turned her face toward Carson and sighed as if she knew Mom was there now.

  “I don’t want to be your regret.” Carson’s voice wavered.

  “I’m never going to regret you. And not because of Karma—”

  “Amy.” She frowned, but he’d heard her call the baby Karma a few times, too.

  Ryan took the ring from her and held it between his fingers.

  “What do you think?” He kissed the top of Karma’s head. “Should I ask mommy, or wait?”

  Karma didn’t offer an answer, but Carson sniffled.

  Ryan peered up at her. Next to Karma, she was the most beautiful thing on the planet and he wanted to make a family with her. He wanted more kids, a busy house and maybe a few dogs in the mix as well.

  “Mama, what do you think? Want to wear this ring?” He held the band between his fingers.

  “Yes,” she whispered, and the floor fell out from under him.

  Ryan buried his face in the comforter and replayed that breathless word just to make sure he hadn’t dreamed it.

  Carson was going to be his wife.

  pg.