At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  Always in control, Law asked me steadily, “You okay?”

  “Mmhm!” My voice came out high pitched as I started the pot. It took all my strength not to fidget and drum my fingertips along the counter while I waited for the water to get hot. As soon as the coffee started pouring into the carafe, I grabbed two mugs from the cupboard directly above the machine and moved them one after the other beneath the stream.

  “In a hurry?”

  “Nope. I thought I’d get some caffeine to you before you fell asleep in my kitchen.” I extended a mug his way, careful to avoid his touch.

  He raised his eyebrows at me over the rim as he took a sip but said nothing. Nerves stole over me. The panic made my hands cold, so I moved my grip from the handle to the warm porcelain body of the cup.

  After sipping in silence, he finally spoke. Seconds passed like minutes. “How’s the hand?”

  “Oh.” I moved my hand to my face, inspecting the clean gauze I had forgotten about until his question reminded me. “It’s fine.” I shrugged.

  “Good to hear.”

  Silence descended while I struggled for something to say. “Thanks. For, um,” I waved my bandaged hand in the air. “You know.”

  Why did he have to be so fricken hot? Even in that cheesy uniform he looked confident and calm, relaxed against my countertop. One booted foot rested over the other, and he held his mug clasped by the handle in front of his stomach. He studied me. Not like I confused him and he couldn’t make sense of me. No, he studied me like a puzzle, something he knew could be put together if only he figured out how. When he stole another drink, and swiped his lips with his tongue, my attention was drawn to his mouth.

  “Cami,” he called softly. His tone wasn’t warm, but it wasn’t ice either. It felt like a chilly breeze on a fall day when winter was nearby. The hair on my arms stood on end.

  “Yeah?” My word wasn’t soft. It was tight and high and maybe a little pleading.

  “What happened to you?”

  There it was. He came right out with it, not beating around the bush, not playing nice. Law didn’t pretend to not have some idea of why I disappeared. Because he now knows about Evelyn. But, for the past decade and a half, he really had no clue, so I should tell him.

  At least as much as I can, without giving him everything.

  The problem was, I didn’t know how. “You know what happened. You’ve seen my daughter, Law. I—you can put it together.”

  His grip tightened subtly on the mug. “What I can put together is that you got pregnant and took off. What I’m missing here is why? I don’t want the watered-down PG version. I want it all. I’ve always wanted it all with you, Cami. Don’t hide it from me now.”

  My eyes shot to his on the word ‘pregnant,’ and if they hadn’t, I would have missed the way it seemed to almost make him sick to say those words. Could I blame him for being disgusted in me? Not when I’m still disgusted in myself.

  I couldn’t look at him anymore. Instead, I busied myself with tracing my index finger around the rim of my mug. The steam condensed on my fingers. “I did something stupid and that’s all that matters.”

  “I’m not going to ask you again. I have a right to know why you left me.”

  “I don’t think you do. We were kids. Now we’re not. A long time has passed since then.”

  “Damn it, Cami. Tell me! Tell me why you crushed me all those years ago. Tell me why I’ve spent the last fourteen years haunted by the ghost of the love of my life,” he spat bitterly.

  “You didn’t want to be with me. You wanted to see other people.”

  “I didn’t mean permanently, and you damn well knew that.”

  “Law-ˮ

  He cut me off. “Lawrence.”

  “Lawrence,” I amended, feeling the distance using his full name put between us at the same time hating he forced it on me. “I was a sixteen-year-old girl. I know that now, but back then, it was the most unimaginable thing to happen. I’d already lost my dad, my mom was practically a piece of furniture, and Ritchie–.” Saying his name in context to a time when he was still alive choked me up. I blinked back the heavy wave of tears threatening to fall. “You were all I had left,” I whispered.

  “Christ,” he bit out and dropped his gaze to study his boots.

  “I was lost,” I choked, the dryness of my throat and the regret I felt obstructing my ability to speak. “I felt unwanted and lonely. I know how this makes me sound. If it were my daughter, I’d be so sad and ashamed of her behavior but...I just wanted to feel something other than hurt and unwanted all the time.”

  His head snapped back up. “Yeah? Did you find what you were looking for?” He was angry, and his words stoked my own fire. The tears in my eyes evaporated.

  “Yeah, actually, I did. Obviously, not from you, and not from him! I found my love in Evelyn, and as much as this all sucked, I wouldn’t trade her for anything.”

  “Yeah, typical words of a parent. Must be nice to have shit on everyone around you and still come out on top.”

  His words felt like a slap in the face. “What is that supposed to mean?” I cried, throwing my hands up and sloshing coffee over the side of my mug. It ran down my hand and dripped to the floor, but I didn’t care.

  His torso swung towards me as he answered. “What it means is you’ve got a fancy house, nice clothes, obviously a good job. You got someone to love you. Looks to me like everything worked out for poor, sad Cami.”

  “How dare you. You don’t know the first thing about me, or what I’ve been through.”

  Law didn’t bother with an answer. He turned to my sink, dumped the rest of his coffee down the drain, and set the mug beside it. His hands gripped the edge, as if he were trying to regain some control.

  I was fascinated watching him. The setting sun from the window turned his broad back into a silhouette. The tenseness of his shoulders was outlined by the fading sun, defining once again how much stronger he was since I used to know him.

  When he turned around, all signs of rage were gone, and surprisingly, that upset me. In its place was haggard kind of sadness that didn’t come from a minor disappointment. For the first time since he returned to my life, I could see that my choices and mistakes took a toll on him.

  I was right before, with what I said to Kiersten; I was the catalyst for all of this.

  “You don’t either,” he started cryptically, and I redirected my attention so I didn’t miss what he was about to say.

  “Because you didn’t wait around to find out. It took me less than a month to realize what a stupid mistake I’d made. You didn’t take me back, because you were already knocked up. It’s all coming together now, though. You let somebody fuck you so you could feel an ounce of love, well I did it, too.

  “The difference is, you were already gone in a way I knew I’d never have you again. So, I settled for the closest thing. Yeah,” he added when he saw the shock on my face. “I got back with Steph. She became what I needed when I was wrecked from you disappearing. And after my dad got that call that you moved to Maine, I went from wrecked to pissed. I needed somebody to wash away the taste of you, and that somebody was Steph.”

  Oh, God. My stomach cramped and ached from what I was hearing. The parts of my heart that were left beating started to wither with every word out of his mouth.

  He wasn’t finished. Swiping his palm over his face, he dropped his hand limply to his side and continued. “I let her consume me and that made me stupid. A month before graduation, I got her pregnant. The day after we graduated, we got married at the courthouse. Two weeks after that, I took a job as an apprentice laborer at a construction company to support my new family.”

  “Please, you don’t need to tell me this,” I begged as old wounds bled fresh again. It was as if he didn’t even hear me.

  “The work was shit. We built houses from sun up until sundown, six days a week. My new wife reaped the benefits of my paycheck, while I worked myself to the bone. I hardly ever saw her. Whic
h is why when I got hurt on the job one day and came home early, she was shocked as shit to see me. As was I to find her naked in our bed with my best friend.”

  I couldn’t form an appropriate response, so I stayed quiet. I feared that if I opened my mouth, I’d either cry, yell, or vomit. The guilt I’d felt for my own choices ate at me like an acid as I listened to the domino effect my decisions had in Law’s life.

  “She begged for a second chance. I was too young and proud to file for a divorce so soon after we got married. I was holding out for my baby. I thought once we were a real family, the marriage would fix itself.”

  That was when he seemed lost. The story seemed over. Did that mean he was still married to her now? With a child, maybe more, waiting at home for him to get done working? It hurt so bad, but I forced myself not to search his hand for a ring. I didn’t have the right to care, even though I did.

  And then it got so much worse.

  “The same day I learned I was having a son, I learned that instead of a baptism, we’d be holding a funeral.”

  The breath got caught somewhere between my nose and my lungs, and a sob forced its way out. “Law.”

  “Doctor saw some terminal abnormality on the scan. Nothing could be done. After that, Steph and I fell apart. Took me six years to get rid of her. We were both grieving hard, and I wasn’t a big enough asshole to leave her like that. After a couple of years, we talked about trying again, and we did a couple of times, but nothing stuck. She had five miscarriages before we both decided enough was enough. We weren’t in love. We were both just trying to fill the voids in our lives with each other.”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but he kept right on eviscerating me.

  He pushed off from the sink. “I thought I could do this with you, patch old hurts and move on. I can’t. I’ve got six little angels that never got to take that first breath and an ex-wife in a wake that was left behind because of you. Because. Of. You. And you’ve got everything. One beautiful baby girl who loves you and is your entire world. I’d be foolish to give you the chance to steal it all out from under me again.”

  A jumble of defenses and apologies rose in my throat, but they all got stuck on my tongue. Nothing I could say in that moment would relieve any of the pain he currently brought back up to the surface. It cut me so deep, but as he grabbed his bag and walked himself out, I stood back and let him.

  There wasn’t anything else for me to do.

  4.

  That was the last of Law.

  Or so I told myself.

  After he had left, Evelyn called from practice and asked to have a sleepover at her best friend’s house. It was a school night, but after what had gone down in my kitchen, I claimed the Mother-of-the-Year Award and gave her the go ahead. Then, I spent a night in my quiet, lonely house drowning in the half remaining bottle of bourbon.

  I’d had more alcohol that week than I’d had in nearly fifteen years, but it was necessary. I couldn’t stomach listening to the short version of Law’s life story and remain sober. His voice kept replaying in my head the horrible things he’d gone through with just enough blame threaded in his tone to tell me he’d never forgive me.

  As an adult, I realized that things happened in life. He’d made choices just as I had, and those choices hadn’t panned out the way he’d planned. Mine hadn’t either. There were consequences. There were also things beyond our control. It sucked, but it was also a part of life. So, on that level, I had to stow away his pain in a compartment of sympathy, nothing more.

  Still, even a few shots in, I couldn’t seem to completely extinguish the guilt I felt. The ‘what-ifs’ and ‘if-I’d-onlys.’ It hurt as if his life story had happened to me. We used to be so close that almost anything that happened to him did feel like my own. His joy caused me joy and his pain hurt me, too.

  It took a while, but I was eventually able to lock that guilt away with all the other emotions that had to do with Law.

  Three weeks had passed and I hadn’t seen him.

  I also hadn’t seen any mice, and I was starting to believe Evelyn had imagined them.

  “Sweetie, are you getting up for school?” I called to her from outside her bedroom door. We were nearing Thanksgiving break, and she was becoming increasingly less productive as the holidays neared. What I would give to be a teenager again. My job had been the opposite. Stupid accidents were at an all-time high during the holidays. Slick roads and an increase in holiday celebrations were the biggest contributing factors.

  I knocked louder. “Evelyn?”

  No answer.

  My stomach felt queasy as I pushed open her door. Even with her excitement for school break, she wasn’t a lazy kid. I knew the minute I saw her lying in bed that my life just loved screwing with me. I didn’t even need to press my hand to her forehead for confirmation, but I did it out of motherly instinct. She was burning up.

  “Are you feeling sick, honey?”

  “Yes,” she moaned, sounding pitiful.

  “I’ll call you out of school. Be right back,” I murmured and left to do just that.

  The good news was, I trusted her to stay home alone, which meant I wouldn’t have to call out of work. I had sick leave saved, but we were such a small town that only a few of us worked in rotation. If I could help it, I didn’t want to inconvenience my coworkers like that. The bad news was, she was sick and that always broke my heart. Even more so when I couldn’t stay with her.

  I checked to make sure we were well stocked on soups and crackers, and left her with her phone nearby and instructions to call me if she needed anything.

  After the eight phone calls I received throughout the day from Evelyn, I was thankful for my career as a paramedic in a small town. The day was slow, so I could answer her calls and put out her fires while at the same time not jeopardizing my job. Nathan, my regular partner, was ridiculously cool about me dealing with my sick kid. He’d lost his wife two years ago to breast cancer, so he understood balancing a job and family illnesses.

  My poor girl sounded miserable. I was sure this was the start of the flu. The actual flu. Not the sniffles most people got in the winter and called the flu. Which meant I needed to arm myself so I didn’t get sick too.

  I couldn’t leave fast enough at the end of the day. During one of her many phone calls, Evelyn requested I pick up some popsicles for her sore throat, so I drove the extra fifteen minutes to the grocery store. I made a bee-line for the frozen treats section, picked her out a box of all cherry, her favorite, and then walked to the pharmacy. After adding an arsenal of cold and pain soothers to my cart, I thought about dinner.

  Evelyn would have soup, but something a little more exciting than Campbell’s would be nice for her. The front left wheel of my cart squeaked noisily as I walked towards the deli.

  I loved this store. For a small-town grocer, they had everything. The deli was stocked fresh daily with some of my favorite foods. I’d often come by late Sunday night and pick up some premade meals for weekday lunches. A half-gallon of soup could last Evelyn and me the entire week. Right now, I’d see if they had some creamy gnocchi or maybe a roasted squash to get some healthy stuff in her, and a loaf of French bread for dipping.

  Just when I thought I could almost taste the deli from the aroma surrounding me, the front of my cart suddenly stopped. The force of my stomach hitting the handle sent the cart tipping to the left. Instinctually, my hands locked on the handle to save it from crashing to the floor, but it was too heavy. The cart was about to drag me down with it when someone reached out and caught it.

  “Careful.”

  I was still trying to suck breath back into my shocked lungs when I looked up and lost it all over again.

  “Lawrence. Thank you.”

  He rocked back on his heels and tucked his hands in his pockets, but didn’t offer a verbal response. He simply gave a nod.

  “I know it’s not my business, but you’re still in town.”

  His eyes scanned my face, and it made me fee
l like I was under a microscope. Like everything inside me was exposed. “Is there a question there?”

  Well one thing was for certain, he was still pissed. Right. Time to wrap this up and get home to my Evelyn. “Not really, I guess. I’m surprised to bump into you is all.”

  “I gotta eat, just like everybody else.”

  “Right,” I whispered, feeling stupid. Not that I did anything wrong, but I shouldn’t have been surprised he didn’t want to strike up a conversation with me.

  I pushed my cart to move around him, but the damn thing didn’t move. I closed my eyes and summoned patience.

  “Your wheel’s broken.”

  My eyes popped open, and I looked to where he was indicating with his own gaze. “Well, that’s just great.”

  Law walked to the nearest endcap and returned with a shopping basket. Without asking me, he started to transfer my items from the cart. “Are you always this dramatic?”

  “Only when I’m trying to get home to my sick daughter,” I snapped.

  My words stopped him, and he paused briefly with the box of popsicles in his hand. Turning his head, he searched my face when he asked, “She okay?” As he waited for my reply, he straightened and held my now full basket of items from his fingertips.

  My heart ached, knowing the direction his thoughts must have gone. Law’s right. I am dramatic. “Yeah, she’s okay,” I murmured. “It’s just the flu. I need to get her some soup for dinner.”

  With the cart empty, Law turned and strode over to the deli counter. During our exchange the line had disappeared as everyone was helped. He greeted the employee and handed my basket of things over to him. “Hey, Cory, can you ring these things up? We also need some soup. Cami, what does your girl like?”

  Several things happened at once, and my brain couldn’t keep up. Like how he knew the employee’s first name. Or the way he asked me what soup Evelyn liked, as if he was ordering for me. Lastly, the fact he was being friendly at all.

  I closed my mouth and shook off the surprise. Let him be helpful. The less I fought it, the faster I could get home to Evelyn.