At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  “Um, gnocchi or butternut squash. In that order. Oh, and some French bread.”

  I swore I saw the corner of Law’s mouth twitch. He turned back to the employee I now knew was named Cory.

  “Get me a half-gallon of gnocchi, a half-gallon of the squash, and you have any of that toasted sweet bread made up?”

  “I can just grab a loaf and toast it myself,” I called, but it was like I hadn’t spoken.

  “Sure do. You want a half or a whole?” Cory moved around as he spoke, filling two half-gallon containers with the soups Law ordered. I hoped he planned on taking one for himself because that’s too much for Evelyn and me.

  “Make it a whole.”

  I opened my mouth to interject again, when Law shocked the shit out of me by handing over his credit card.

  This time, I raised my voice. “Law!”

  “Shut it, Cami. The less you argue, the quicker you can get home.”

  Damn him! A headache was dully throbbing behind my eyes.

  I gave him my shoulder by turning towards the display case and busied my mind with reading all the nameplates in front of the different salads. I read through: No-Bake Baked Potato Salad, Buffalo Chicken Salad, Three Cucumber Salad, Broccoli Cheese Salad, Deli Antipasto Toss, and Cranberry Pistachio Cloud before he was tapping me on the shoulder and telling me it was time to go.

  “I can carry my things,” I said halfheartedly. At this point, he wasn’t even listening, and I was getting angry.

  We stepped out into the November chill. I wrapped my coat tighter around my body and stuck out my hand for my bags. “Thanks. I’ve got it from here.”

  Once again, he ignored me. “Where’s your car?”

  “Lawrence, I got it.”

  “I didn’t ask if you got it. I asked where’s your car.”

  “Please. I just want to get home.”

  “Cami, where’s your damn car?”

  Fighting the urge to stomp my foot, or let out some shrieking battle cry, I jammed my hand into my pocket, whipped out my keys, and started pressing the button on my key fob until the lights blinked repeatedly. “There you go.”

  He let out an obnoxious snort, wrapped his large hand around my elbow, and towed me towards my car. “Difficult...dramatic... Not much has changed with you, has it?”

  I jerked my arm back out of his grasp. “Thanks for the insult.”

  “Is it?”

  I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. We reached my car so I unlocked the trunk. “It is if you’re implying I’m childish.”

  “No, not childish. Stubborn, definitely.”

  “Thanks,” I huffed.

  He set both bags inside and slammed it closed.

  I forced myself to take a deep breath. I wanted him to hear my sincerity with what I said next. “Thank you. Truly. For helping me in there. It could have been a catastrophe, and I would have been even later getting this home to my daughter. I really appreciate the help.”

  We locked eyes, and I felt like my message had been conveyed. That was, until he cracked a smile and threw his head back to stretch his neck. “And there’s the drama.”

  “What? What drama? I’m being serious.”

  He rolled his head back into place. “I know. Which is why it’s funny that you used the word catastrophe to describe a shopping cart falling apart. Seriously, Cami.”

  I pursed my lips to keep from smiling. “Oh, shut up. I need to get home.”

  “Yeah, I do too.” His face fell to seriousness, and he sunk his teeth into his bottom lip. The movement made the long dimples on either side of his mouth stand out. My stomach flipped at the sight. It’d been so long, and he had yet to smile in my presence, I’d forgotten all about them.

  My gaze moved from the dimples to his mouth. “So, I guess this is it then? You’re going back home?”

  “Shit,” he cursed, and my eyes snapped to his.

  It happened so quickly that I never saw it coming. One second we were staring at each other, and the next, his big body was caging me in. His arms came down on either side of me, and he rested his palms against the lid of my trunk. I bowed my back to give myself some space, but Law was having none of that. He came with me. His broad chest pressed against my breasts and one of his hands left the trunk to wrap around my back.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered shakily, trying to figure out what to do with my hands. I didn’t want to lead him on, but not touching him felt wrong. Touching him felt wrong, too, so I was stuck.

  He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine. When he opened them, they seemed to shine. “I live here now, Cami.”

  “You do?”

  He bit his lip again. “You’re going to hate me, anyway.”

  My brow furrowed. “Hate you for what?”

  A war waged in his eyes. “For this.” The hand behind my back tangled into my hair, and he used it to tip my head to the side. My eyes opened wide, but the second his lips touched mine, they drifted closed as if I’d fallen asleep. A new dream began, one that I knew I wouldn’t wake up from for the rest of my life. A dream where Law and I could somehow fix this chasm between us and find one another again.

  There was nothing slow or gentle about the way he devoured my lips. He stole from me. He pressed my lips until they submit to his, and then he prodded with his tongue until I opened for him. Kissing him now was nothing like I remembered, and I was suddenly gripped with fear.

  Could he taste my inexperience? Was the feel of his mouth on mine as potent to him as it was for me?

  I no longer wondered what to do with my hands. They moved on their own to slip inside his open coat. I ran my fingers up his chest, causing a moan to rumble from his lips. I kept moving until I gripped his shoulders and pulled him tighter to me.

  Whatever I did broke the spell, and he wrenched his mouth from mine, putting space between us.

  We panted heavily, creating white clouds between us. They floated up above our heads, taking whatever magic we had conjured with them. I remained speechless, but Law spoke.

  “We can’t see each other again.”

  My mouth fell open in shock.

  “I live here now, so places like this? It’s unavoidable. But you said it right a few weeks ago. We’d be better off avoiding each other.”

  “Then why the hell did you kiss me?”

  He sniffed and looked out at the horizon. “Because, I wanted you to feel it.”

  “Feel what?”

  “Get home. Take care of your daughter.”

  I pushed away from the car, back into his space. “Feel what?” I bit out.

  “Nothing,” he growled back. “I wanted you to feel nothing, because I don’t like you like that. And if you felt nothing and I felt nothing, we can stop with this game between us.”

  Anger overrode my common sense and decency. I shoved him in the chest with both my hands. When that didn’t feel good enough, I shoved him again, this time stinging my palms and forcing him back a step. His face morphed into shock, and then turned hard when I got up on my tiptoes right into his space.

  “You may have forgotten, since it’s been so long, but I like the people kissing me to like me like that.”

  I didn’t wait for his reaction. I couldn’t. Physically, mentally, I needed to get out of there. By the time I got in my car, started it, and put it in reverse, Law was gone.

  “Evelyn, I’m home.”

  The house was dark except for the TV flickering from the living room. I padded lightly down the unlit hallway until I hit the kitchen entrance. If she’s asleep on the couch, I didn’t want to upset her by flooding the room with light. I searched blindly for the light switch while the two bags from the store rustled together and swung in my grip.

  I worked quickly putting everything away so I could get to her. A couple hours had passed since we spoke about the popsicles, and I felt guilty for wasting that extra time with Law.

  After dishing and warming two bowls of butternut squash soup in the microwave, I t
ore off some bread and set a tray. Right now, there’s nothing I’d rather do than relax with my baby girl on the couch.

  Some Lifetime movie was playing on mute. I left it on, not in the mood for any particular show, and gently shook her.

  “Hey, honey. I’m home and I have food.” I slid my hand from her shoulder to the back of her neck. Heat enveloped my fingertips. Her fever was raging. “Have you had any Tylenol today?”

  “Mom?” she croaked, and the sound broke my heart.

  “Oh, sweetie. Sit up. Let’s get some medicine to bring down that fever, and you can try to eat. I have popsicles, if you want one of those instead.”

  “Okay.” The word barely left her lips before she dropped her head back down to the pillow.

  I took her bowl back to the kitchen and traded it for a popsicle and some Tylenol.

  “All right, time to wake up for a minute.” After coaxing her to sit, she took the medicine and the popsicle. I squeezed myself onto the couch with her, and she rested her head against my thigh. I managed to balance the tray of soup on the arm of the couch and between bites, I stroked her hair.

  “You sure you don’t want some soup? It’s really good.”

  “No, I’m okay.”

  “Have you had anything to eat today?”

  She shook her head against my thigh. “No. I made some tea, but I mostly slept.”

  I sifted the silky strands of her auburn hair through my fingers. “Fine, but tomorrow you’re eating soup. I have enough to last us two weeks.”

  “Why’d you buy so much?” Evelyn asked through a yawn that turned sharply into a cough.

  “Mistake,” I grumbled around the last spoonful of my soup. “Changed my mind on the kind, and since they couldn’t put it back, the employee gave it to me for free.”

  “That was nice of them.”

  I redirected my hand to rub the muscle between her neck and shoulder. She wasn’t complaining but I knew she had to have muscle aches by now. “Yeah,” I replied, remembering the true events of the evening. “It sure was.”

  Soon, her breaths turned soft; that is, until the coughing started. After I shifted my dinner tray to the coffee table, I slid my leg out from beneath me to get more comfortable. Evelyn slept while I stroked her hair, and I got lost in my thoughts.

  My words from earlier played back in my head. I wondered if Law would recognize them. If they’d make him feel as lost and nostalgic as they did me. For the first time in all this time I wished I’d had his cell number so I could lash out at him over text, but I knew it wouldn’t do us any good.

  We weren’t good for one another. Whatever we had in the past was nothing more than a childhood crush. And yeah, maybe if I’d stuck around we could have made a go of things, but that wasn’t how life worked out. I didn’t stick around. He didn’t come looking for me, and the world kept on spinning until it decided to dump him back into my life. Too much time had passed. The hurt and the resentment wouldn’t stay buried forever. I could count on one hand the number of encounters we’d had and none of them were pleasant. In fact, they seemed to be escalating, which should have given me my answer.

  With my daughter in my arms, I felt like I could make sense of it all. We’d been doing good for a long time, just the two of us, and I’d do anything not to upset our balance.

  My eyes grew heavy. Throwing out a hand blindly, I nabbed the remote from the coffee table and ended the constant flickering from the TV. The room plunged into darkness.

  I left Evelyn on the couch, but before I did, I covered her with the throw from the back of the couch. She thankfully didn’t stir. Then I went and got ready for bed alone, just as I’d done every night for fourteen years. Something I would continue to do on the nights that Law upset me and those he didn’t. Something that, even if we became friendly with one another, I would still do alone.

  That was the type of woman I chose to be. I was happy with my life and everything I’d built for my daughter and me. I’d be damned if I’d let a few encounters with him ruin that.

  On this night, though, I crawled into bed, and as I waited for sleep, I did something differently; I let myself remember. One memory was dredged up, and I clung to that thought as sleep pulled me under.

  Fifteen and a half years earlier...

  “Where are we going?”

  Law’s hand around mine squeezed and tugged me forward up the dirt path. He looked back at me with a crooked smirk but said nothing to answer my question. His bright eyes spoke of his excitement for him. We were on another one of our adventures, and as usual, he refused to tell me where we were going.

  The nice part about living in a small town was being able to get where we wanted by walking or riding our bikes. Law and I lived close enough that we could walk to one another’s house, and once we were together, our parents let us go anywhere. Well, his parents did. My dad was dead, and my mom probably couldn’t care less. In two months, Law would have his license and his dad already promised him his old truck, so this era of our lives was coming to an end.

  The early morning breeze whipped my hair around my face, the strands tickling against my cheeks. Sunlight started to filter through the boughs of the trees, ripe with mid-summer leaves. It was chilly, but in a few hours and after a few miles of hiking, it would start to warm up.

  “What if something happens to you, and I have to try to call for help? I’ll have no idea where we are, how we got here, and how to get out. I’ll be eaten by a bear or something, since everybody knows bears like their food living instead of dead. I don’t think it’s fair you always know and get to lead the way.”

  I stumbled over a rock. Law’s arm went taut and he spun around to steady me. He moved his grip from my hand to my hip. I had to tip my head way back to look him in the eyes. I swear he grew six inches in a month that summer. When he looked down at me, he smiled, and my stomach flip-flopped.

  “In a couple months, you’ll have your driver’s license. You can lead the way then.”

  My brow crinkled and I frowned. “So will you. And I won’t have a vehicle, either, which means you’ll have to drive.”

  He let out a laugh and scratched his eyebrow with the side of his thumb. “I suppose you’re right, darlin’. If you’re lucky, I’ll let you drive occasionally.”

  “You aren’t funny.” I crossed my arms over my chest. I was annoyed, but not actually upset. This was one of those differences between us that I had learned to live with. Law still had parents, and I didn’t. Not really. He’d get a car on his birthday, whereas, I’d have to save up for one.

  And it was fine, for the most part. I wasn’t against being independent. Mostly I was happy for everything that Law had, as a lot of those things benefited me as well. I only became bitter when I wanted to do something for him and didn’t have the means to do so. At those times, I felt inadequate.

  “Yeah, well you’re cute.” He moved his hands from my hips to cup either side of my head just above my ears. He tugged me off balance. I nearly fell, and in an attempt to save myself, I twisted my fists in the shirt at his waist. Law bent down and planted a kiss in the center of my forehead. “Now, quit whining. We have a lot of trail left to cover, and we aren’t going to do that by standing around.”

  Any response I could have had died in my throat. My skin tingled where his lips were in a way I hoped it would never stop. Law grinned wider and hiked his backpack up on his shoulder before he started up the path again.

  It took me a second to get my head back on straight and chase after him.

  My favorite thing about exploring the woods with Law was that we didn’t have to fill the silence with chatter. It felt natural to walk the trail and take in the outdoors quietly. Our steady breaths joined the birdsong and the soft rustle of the nearby leaves. It was peaceful.

  We’d trade spots on the trail, and if I got too far ahead, Law would catch up and take my hand. I can’t lie and say that wasn’t an incentive to go faster. It became a game that made the distance pass quicker. The
sun was nearly overhead when we reached an opening in the trees. I could hear rushing water nearby.

  “Is this it? Is this where we’re going?” I asked excitedly and let go of his hand to get ahead.

  “Hey, wait for me!”

  Where the trees opened, the trail turned and went down an incline. It looked steep, but not unmanageable, so I began the climb down. The trail wound around a pool of water that was surrounded by rocks in different shades of brown and gray. A huge waterfall poured over a rocky ledge, feeding the pool, which then ran off down a hill in a river. The complete back of the waterfall was exposed in a way we could easily walk 360 degrees around it.

  I was so busy taking in the beauty and peacefulness of it all that I hadn’t realized Law was behind me until he whispered, “Do you like it?”

  His words sent his breath against my ear like a warm breeze, and I shivered. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Come on.” He took my hand and tugged me around the edge of the pool to climb behind the waterfall. “Be careful. Some of the rocks are wet.”

  We navigated behind the fall, and it was even more breathtaking from the other side. Fingers of sunlight filtered through the flowing water, throwing prisms against the rocky walls. I ran my fingers against the rough surface. Even though I was touching it, this place didn’t feel real.

  “Have you been here before?”

  I turned back to Law to see he’d laid out a blanket from his backpack and was pulling cans of root beer out when I spoke.

  He shook his head. “I asked my dad for a suggestion.” He lifted his shoulder in a shrug, and his cheeks pinked as if he was embarrassed.

  I joined him on the blanket then, sitting close enough that I could tap his crossed knee with mine. “It’s amazing. I’m so glad you brought me here.”

  “It’s nothing, really. I thought you might be getting tired of the same trails and places we usually go.”

  It was my turn to shrug, and I picked at my pop tab. “I mean, it’s not so much about where we go, as it is that we’re together. I guess if we ran out of things to talk about then it would get boring.”

  Law looked at me funny, but I didn’t know what it meant. I saved myself from answering by taking a huge swallow of my drink. “I love waterfalls,” I sighed, attempting to feel less awkward about his funny look. “If I could move anywhere, I’d want a waterfall in my backyard.”