At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  A warm tear ran down my cheek. I roughly swiped at it before it could freeze on my skin.

  And, the alcohol carried me back to one of the last times I saw Ritchie alive.

  Fourteen years earlier...

  I drove my red Honda around the circular drive at the front of St. Margaret’s Hospice Center. A chill had settled within me in a way I knew it wasn’t going to leave. Each time I made the drive to this place, I was more frightened than the last.

  But this time signaled the end.

  I’d never felt more alone than I did pushing through the heavy doors into the reception area for one of the last times.

  McKayla sat behind the lone white desk and greeted me with a small, sad smile, her eyes drifting to take in my heavily pregnant belly. I didn’t have it in me to wave. I offered what semblance of a smile I could in return, and hiked my tote further up my shoulder as I made my way through the familiar halls to Ritchie’s room.

  I knocked twice and pushed it open, calling out, “Hey, Witchy.”

  “Hey.” Even that one word was too much, as he immediately started coughing. It took longer than usual for him to catch his breath. My heart froze in my chest with each second that ticked past and he continued to struggle.

  It was more real than ever that he was here to die alone, and I was responsible for not being here with him.

  “I’m sorry I had to come so early. I start my new job tomorrow, and they need to train me. I couldn’t... I tried to move my start date, but... I need the money.” My voice dropped to a sorrowful tone. “I’d never leave if it were possible, but the baby will be here in less than two months.”

  “I get it,” he said slowly.

  Even speaking took a lot of energy from him, and I reminded myself not to leave my sentences open for responses.

  “Anyway, happy early birthday, big brother. I brought you something.”

  He tracked me with his eyes as I crossed the room and sat down on the side of his bed. He was so thin, I hated it. It broke me to see him this way.

  My hands trembled as I dug through my tote to find the bottle of dark amber liquid. I pulled it from beneath my extra sweatshirt and showed it to him with a flourish. “Ta-da! I thought we could share, but I’m obviously unable to so it’s for you.”

  Scooting back on the bed so that I was sitting beside him, I uncapped the bourbon and offered it. I nudged his frail leg with my own.

  “Here.” I held the bottle to his lips. He tipped his head a tiny bit, and I poured some in.

  He swallowed noisily and groaned. “That’s good, sis. Where did...you get it?”

  I smiled and twisted the cap back on. “Well, it turns out in the town I’m living in the liquor store clerk doesn’t card the young pregnant girl. I suppose he thought if I’m old enough to be pregnant, I should be old enough to drink, but I’m not sure what that says if he thinks I intend to drink it in this state.” I looked down to my round belly.

  “You walked right... in and... bought it?” He started coughing again, so I offered him another sip. He winked at me and opened his mouth.

  “Yep.”

  “Bold.”

  “Stupid, but I had to get you something. You only turn twenty-one once.”

  His hand shifted beneath the thick blankets I brought him the last time I came, so I dug it out and wrapped it in mine. It was cold, even though the heat was cranked up. I clasped him tightly.

  “When I die...”

  “Ritchie, stop.”

  “Listen,” he barked, and for a moment, he sounded like the old Ritchie. His voice came out clear and strong, and I wanted to bottle it up and take it with me so I could listen to it wherever I went.

  “When I die, you have to visit me. On my birthday... bring that,” he tipped his head towards the bottle in my lap. “And have a drink. Every birthday so... you can relax for one... day.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to go back to Logansville, but when I am, I’ll be there.”

  He gently squeezed my hand. “I saved some of the money... and bought a plot in... Arrow Creek.”

  “What? That money was supposed to be for your treatment!” I started trembling. “You have to get that money back. We could do another round right now! I’m going to go get the director and your doctor on the phone.” I tried to get up, but he tugged at my arm.

  “They both... know. Look at me, Cam.”

  I did. Reluctantly. Knowing what he was about to say hit me like a truck, and it became hard to breathe. Please, God, no. He didn’t.

  “I refused treatment–ˮ

  “No!” The scream tore out of me like a gunshot and ricocheted around the room. “Why would you do that? Don’t you know I need you?”

  “I’m ready to die. I’m not getting... better. It’s been... years.” A cough overcame him, as if the universe was trying to prove his point. Once he caught his breath, he continued. “It’s only a matter of time. You have a new... job. The baby. You can’t spend... your time worrying about... me. I’m ready to go.”

  The gravity of the situation became too much, and I collapsed into tears across his body, as if I could use mine to protect him from death.

  I couldn’t, and I knew that. Death would rip him straight out from under me, and it was going to happen sooner than I was ready for. Hell, I’d never be ready.

  He rubbed my swollen stomach. “You’re going to be a great mom. Your love for... her will help you with your... grief.”

  I glared at him. “I love you, but I hate you so much right now. I don’t want to ever say goodbye.” Sobs wracked my body. ‘Goodbye’ was so permanent, and there was nothing good about it.

  “Come here.” He opened his frail arms, and I hoisted my big belly up the bed and settled into the curve of his armpit. He held me.

  It felt wrong. I should’ve held him. I should’ve comforted him, knowing he was right and that his death was on the horizon. But I was scared and I was selfish. So, I let him hold me while I cried.

  When I’d calmed, he dried my tears with the corner of his blanket and kissed the side of my head.

  “Just so you know... you stink.”

  A laugh bubbled out. “You do, too.”

  “Yeah, well I’m dying... so.”

  I sat straight up in the bed and turned around to glare at him. “That’s not even remotely funny.”

  “I know. One more drink. You’ve got to go. It’s getting... late. New job tomorrow.”

  I gave him another swig, and a little leaked out of the corner of his mouth. I grabbed a tissue from the box on his nightstand and carefully dabbed it away. He stared me dead in the eye while I did it, almost as if he were willing me to understand and be okay.

  He had to have known that I’d never be okay.

  Not with being forced to leave him and Logansville, not with raising a baby at sixteen, not with him dying. I didn’t know how I’d ever come back from all of that.

  I didn’t know if I even wanted to.

  I had to, though, because if Ritchie dying taught me anything, it was that so many lives are ripped away without warning or reason, and for me to give up because my life was too hard would be insulting.

  He was right about me needing to leave, but in that moment, the thought of walking out that door and never seeing him again nearly killed me. My knees were weak and shaking, and I didn’t think they’d even hold me up long enough to do it. I could feel my heart splitting into two. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

  “I can’t do it.”

  “You have to.”

  “I c-c-can’t.” Tears trailed down my cheeks.

  “You have to.”

  “Please don’t make me leave you.”

  “I’m going to miss you, too, sis, but I don’t want you driving all the way home after dark.”

  “Stop minimizing what I’m feeling.” I started getting angry.

  “I’m not.” He was serious, and at his tone, I instantly quieted. “I love you, and I know you’re dying inside because..
. if our places were reversed... I would be, too. But I can’t... stop this from happening and... neither can... you. So, go. Learning to live on your own... begins... now. Whenever... you need me... visit me. I’ll be waiting.”

  I grabbed another tissue and wiped my own face, and fought against every instinct in my body that wanted to break down again. Leaning over the bedrail the best I could with my big belly in the way, I tucked his blanket higher on his chest and kissed his cheek. I touched his bald head and patted his shoulder and gripped his hand. Stalling.

  “I won’t say goodbye.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “I won’t. But I will say I’m going to miss you.” My voice cracked, and I swallowed hard. “And,” I swallowed again. “That I love you, Witchy.”

  “I love you, too. Now go.”

  I gathered my tote and held my fingers to my lips. We locked eyes in the doorway, but neither of us spoke another word.

  And somehow, I forced myself to turn and walk out, leaving my brother behind.

  I took a detour home that night. I drove the hour and a half in the opposite direction to Logansville, up and down my old neighborhood streets. The lights were on in my old home as I passed. A new family had moved in over the past month. Shadows crossed the closed curtains, and I’d sent up a silent prayer that they had more luck in that home than my family did.

  Out of habit, I found myself parked across from Law’s house, and it wasn’t until then that I finally cried. A dam broke and the sobs ripped through me at a frightening pace. I couldn’t catch my breath. In that moment, it was okay. I wasn’t sure I wanted to breathe again in a world that Ritchie wasn’t going to be in.

  Headlights pooled over my car, and I ducked like a coward, frantically swiping at the tears that continued to fall. A truck drove passed. That was my cue to get on the road home. I didn’t want anyone to see me there.

  It took three-and-a-half hours to get back to my apartment, and the entire way there, I clutched my cell phone for the call I was dreading.

  It came three days later, on Ritchie’s actual birthdate. He was gone.

  ***

  I’d finished my flask some time ago and tossed it in the direction of the other one. I stayed leaning up against the headstone, clutching it for support. I was drunk. The front of my jeans was soaked, and the icy coldness seeped deep into my knees, but I couldn’t really feel it.

  I couldn’t feel much of anything. Mostly, I was numb. Numb and selfish and sad.

  “So, you see, brother,” I slurred. “You wanted me to visit you on your birthday, and instead I only visit on mine. Because I’m selfish. Though, it’s mostly because it hurts so damn much.”

  “He’s not alone,” Law’s deep voice rumbled from behind me. “Nice set up. You do this often?”

  “Go away,” I groaned and dropped my hands into the snow.

  “I visit him on his birthday. Every one.”

  “Don’t you have anything better to do, like say, live your own life? Why do you keep stalking me at the cemetery? This isn’t romantic.”

  “Thought you might need some company today.”

  He was pissing me off. I rolled off my knees and onto my ass in the snow, and tilted my face to his. “Is your phone broken?”

  He ran a palm down his face and dropped it to his side. Two lines appeared between his brows when they crinkled in concern. “Oh, Cami, you look like shit, darlin’.”

  “Just go away.”

  “I tried that. More than once. I’m finding it hard to stay away.”

  “I could give you a reason,” I muttered, knowing it was the truth, but not knowing if I could go through with it.

  He chose to ignore me. “Time to go, before you get sick.”

  “What makes you think you can boss me around?”

  “I’m not debating this with you. You’ve been out here god knows how long, you’re soaking wet, drunk enough to not feel the pain, and it’s thirty-fucking degrees outside. I’m not leaving you hear to catch your death.”

  I snorted. “Nice choice of words.”

  The gap between us closed in three large strides from Law, and he crouched in front of me. I sank back into the headstone, but the marble didn’t give way. I was trapped. Cupping his hands, he gathered my face in his warm palms and took my lips.

  Warmth swelled through my limbs, replacing the bone-deep chill. My mind blanked of the thoughts that had plagued me all morning. All I could focus on was the feel of his lips taking mine. Instantly, my nipples swelled and hardened and that throbbing ache awoke between my thighs, demanding to be dealt with. I was so far gone I wouldn’t protest to being thrown to the ground and taken right here...

  A fit of giggles stole over me. My hands sought out his chest, and at contact, I pushed with all the strength I could muster.

  Law stumbled back a step, nearly falling on his ass, and I erupted into laughter again.

  “What the hell?”

  “I was just thinking,” I stopped, trying to catch my breath. “Ritchie would have been horrified to know what we were doing. On his grave of all places.”

  The corners of Law’s lips twitched, and he gazed at the marbled stone. “I think he would’a been pleased as hell.”

  “Do you really?” The uncertainty rang clear between us.

  “I do,” he answered softly. “Not a doubt about it.”

  I gazed at the stone and nodded my head. “I’m ready to go now.” I planted my hands on the headstone, intending on hoisting myself up, but before I could, Law gripped me underneath my arms and lifted me. When I was steady, he didn’t let me go. Not completely. He encircled my shoulders with his arm and guided me into his side.

  We both looked to the headstone, lost in our thoughts, until Law broke the silence. He placed a kiss on the side of my head. “First birthday in a long time the three of us were together. Can’t promise I’ll be here for the rest, but glad I could be here for this one.”

  “Me too.” I didn’t have it in me to try to interpret the meaning behind his words, so for the time being, I let them go.

  Law released me and helped me gather my things. We got in his truck, and he drove me home. The goodbyes were quick. He didn’t linger, and neither did I. The realization had hit during the drive that what was going to happen would happen in its own time.

  I still had secrets to share with Law, secrets I wasn’t even sure I could share. Until I did that, I had no business expecting him to be anything to me. He wasn’t mine.

  9.

  “Hey, Cami!” Nathan called from the driver’s seat when I walked into the ambulance garage the next day. We hadn’t seen or talked to one another since I called off our date. I wasn’t sure how things would be between us. The familiar way he greeted me immediately set me at ease.

  “Hey, how’s it going?”

  The clank of my locker echoed around us as I opened it to put my purse and coat away.

  “Things are good. Glad to have you back. How’s the foot?” He looked to where I was currently switching out my winter boots for my work ones.

  “Much better.” I flexed the foot back and forth as if to prove it. “Still bruised, and I’ve been taping it. The stretches the doctor told me to do have helped a lot.”

  “Good. I didn’t want to have to pull your dead weight around or anything. Although, it wouldn’t be much different than working with Ralph the past week. The man does a shit job.”

  I widened my eyes at him. “That’s not nice. Just because he refuses to leave the driver’s seat on most calls and won’t walk up more than five stairs at a time, doesn’t mean he’s a bad medic.”

  “Um, yes it does.” Nathan climbed out of the ambulance and into the back to take inventory.

  “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry I left you hanging like that.” I strapped my radio on and was walking around the back when Nathan suddenly jumped out. My heart skipped a beat. “Good god, could you warn a person first?”

  “Where’s the fun in that? Speaking of leaving me han
ging, I’ve been thinking about the date you cancelled.”

  Oh, shit. I closed the doors on the back of the rig. “It wasn’t a date.”

  “Then rescheduling shouldn’t be an issue, since friends hang out all the time.” He grinned at me. His confidence really sucked sometimes. If he were even a little unsure of himself, it would’ve been easier to tell him no. As it was, he knew he was being cute.

  I went fourteen years without a single man in my life, and in the span of a few weeks, I’m overwhelmed by two of them. What in the hell, universe? Come on.

  “Nathan,” I sighed. “I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t like you. We get along great. It’s just, I need to keep my work and personal life separate. This is all I’ve got going for Evelyn and me. I started working here in reception at seventeen. I don’t know how to do anything else. If things were to sour between us, I’d have nowhere else to go. And you know how much I need this job.”

  His face was a wash of concern, sympathy, and understanding.

  “That said, we can go out as friends. Kiersten and I have a tradition to go out the night before New Year’s Eve. Get fancy, have some drinks, dance. You’re welcome to join us and bring some friends.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “If it’s the best you can do, I’ll take it. For now. Maybe I can get you to change your mind.”

  I reached out and patted his bicep. “You can’t. I’m sorry to be blunt, but I’m not going to string you along. After what you went through with your wife, you deserve a good woman. One who’ll treat you right.” My hand fell to my side and I climbed in the passenger door. Our radios clicked from dispatch with a call about a car accident. Saved by the bell. I leaned out my window and slapped the side of the vehicle. “Climb in partner! Time to do work!”

  Nathan hopped in the driver’s side and rolled his eyes as he fired the ambulance to life. “Even if I wasn’t your partner, I could tell you’ve been off work for a while. Nobody is that enthusiastic about this job. Ever.”

  “I can’t help it. I’ve been so bored.”

  “Right. New rule. If you aren’t going to go out with me, you’ve gotta stop being so damn cute.”