At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  That was a compliment I’d let him get away with.

  Nathan pulled us out of the garage. The siren whooped to warn the cars waiting at the intersection we were coming, and the red and blue lights flashed continuously. We were on our way.

  Our relationship seemed mostly back to normal. One of the things I liked most was how genuine he was. He didn’t hold a grudge for something he had no control over. He also didn’t try to make me uncomfortable for turning him down.

  I’d never admit it out loud, but I hadn’t completely locked away the idea of dating him. There was a small attraction there, one I’d refused to acknowledge until he kissed me in the emergency room.

  It was just that my life was too crazy now that Law was back. My emotions were on overdrive, and I didn’t have that first clue to what it meant seeing him again. For years, I’d committed myself to being alone, and I was content with the picture I’d conjured of that life. I’d long forgotten about living a life of love. The love from Evelyn had been enough. It still was.

  Something stirred inside of me when Law came back, and the more time he spent around, flirting with the possibility of being together, the more open I was to exploring what that meant. I’d also considered the likelihood of that need sticking around if Law and I didn’t work out any further than what we’d been these past couple months.

  When I left home, I was still a child. Then I had a child of my own, and those first years were a whirlwind. They were for every new parent. I was thrown into figuring out how to manage my responsibilities and how to raise an infant at the same time. Those two tasks many thirty-year-old’s struggle with separately. How I managed to figure them out together as a teen, I’ll never know.

  Focus overrode every aspect of my life. Evelyn was my number one priority, and in putting her there, the others fell into line. Next came the job, which was tied into money, and that money branched out into paying for bills and necessities. After the necessities came her wants, and my own wellbeing fell somewhere behind that. Sex wasn’t even on the table, let alone trying to manage a relationship. After the night Evelyn was conceived, I’d convinced myself I’d never be vulnerable enough to have sex again. In my experience, it had been a game of manipulation. One I could never win, because I’d never be an experienced player.

  That’s what I told myself, and then I blinked and fourteen years had gone by.

  In that time frame, I’d built a beautiful life for my daughter and me. Our house was being paid off, bills were paid on time. We didn’t live paycheck to paycheck, even on a single income, and I’d had plenty stashed away in an emergency fund. I could afford to buy us the extras our hearts desired. We weren’t rich by any means, but with only the two of us, life was comfortable. The focus I’d put into getting us there had recently started to convert into enjoying the things I’d earned.

  The biggest of all those things was my happiness.

  So, yeah, Law showing up in my life changed my perspective. I’d worked hard to get where I was, and to dig myself out of the hole I landed myself in. That work was coming to an end. In five years, Evelyn would be going to college or starting a job, possibly moving out. Five years. That wasn’t much time at all. In the grand scheme of life, it was practically nothing.

  I had to let Nathan go, completely free and clear. It wouldn’t be fair to him, but also to myself, to string him along. I had to be strong. I didn’t need a backup plan. If nothing came from Law and me, and I wanted to continue exploring what was out there, I could do it on my own. Without a reserve. I believed life would work itself out the way it was supposed to in the end.

  The crash was a two-vehicle accident on highway 31 leading out of Arrow Creek. The flashing lights from the police cars already on scene illuminated the road. Traffic was backed up as the officers closed the stretch of highway and redirected cars coming through. Nathan had to drive us around and up an exit ramp to park us close, adding to the organized fleet of emergency vehicles.

  From what I could see, an eighteen-wheeler was parked a quarter mile up the road with its hazards on. A single, white Ford Escort faced south in the northbound lane, having spun at some point in the accident. The car’s front end was scattered across the road, and what was left attached was crumpled, twisted metal. Car parts littered the asphalt.

  En route, we were told there were three victims—the truck driver and the driver and passenger of the car.

  The truck driver stood outside of his truck, lifting his cap and running a hand over his hair repeatedly. He’d place the hat back on only to lift it up again seconds later.

  A young male sat on the shoulder of the highway with a police officer, and the driver of the Ford, an older woman, remained in the vehicle.

  “I’m going to the car; you go check out the kid.”

  Nathan nodded and took off in that direction, and I approached the vehicle.

  “Ma’am, my name is Cami and I’m a paramedic. Can you tell me your name?”

  Her eyes were open, though wide with fright. Her chest rose with quick shallow breaths. When I spoke to her, she moved her eyes in my direction. That was a good sign. She was responsive.

  “Cecilia.” Her soft voice trembled. “We were going to dinner, m-my son and m-m-me. Where is he? I can’t turn my head. This man is hurting me.” She began looking around frantically.

  “Cecilia. Look at me.”

  Her gaze shot back to mine. I held her eyes and kept my voice calm and steady. “Your son is being looked at by my partner, Nathan. He’s really good at his job. You can see him soon. There’s a police officer holding your head steady. I need you to hold still and not move. You could have a neck injury. I’m going to put this around your neck.” I held up the c-collar for her to see. Most people have seen these before, but that didn’t make wearing one any less frightening. “It’ll help hold your neck still, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Good. Hold still, and don’t try to help us. We’ll get it on you.”

  She did as I asked and didn’t move.

  “You’re doing great, Cecelia. I’m going to listen to your lungs and check your pulse, okay?”

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  The firefighters arrived on scene, ready to help lift her out of there. I unwound my stethoscope and listened to her breathing. It was fast, but her lungs sounded clear. I reached my arm through the driver’s side window and placed my fingers on her wrist. Pulse was strong. Good.

  As I pulled my hand back, she latched onto my wrist with a surprisingly strong grip.

  “Please don’t leave me.”

  I twisted my arm so I could squeeze her hand. “I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to get you out and take you to the hospital. I need to back up so the firefighters can get you out of there, but I’m not leaving. I’ll be close by the entire time.”

  “What are they going to do with me?” Her lips quivered as she spoke.

  “We want to be careful with your spine, so they’re going to place you on a long, hard board to keep it steady. Now, I don’t want you to try and help at all, unless you’re told to, okay? You let them move you. I promise, they’re all big, strong men. You hang tight, and you’ll be out of there in no time.”

  The officer in the car with her started talking to her, so I ran back to our truck for the long board. The tow truck arrived, and I waited to let it pass. A crowd had gathered on the side of the road as passersby stepped out of their cars to watch the scene unfold. I rolled my eyes at the amount of cell phones snapping photos and most likely recording videos. Nothing was private in this world of technology.

  Something caught my eyes as I turned to do my job. That something being a familiar truck parked in the chaotic line of cars. My stomach squeezed and my heart leapt into my throat. Directly across from my ambulance was Law.

  And he wasn’t alone.

  I was thankful he wasn’t one of the curious idiots standing on the side of the road with his arm wrapped around the woman beside him, keeping her warm from the
cold as they looked on at another person’s misfortune. The thought flitted from my mind as the jealousy invaded and forced it out. My job called, but I was having trouble tearing my eyes away from the big-haired blonde sitting in his front passenger seat.

  As if he felt my eyes, his head turned in my direction. That was it. The only indication he gave to my existence. His eyes didn’t flash; he didn’t smile or wave. To him, I was any other emergency person at the scene of an inconvenient crash.

  Turning on a booted heel, I jogged back over to the white Ford. With the help of the firefighters, we got Cecilia out of her vehicle, onto the longboard, and strapped to the gurney.

  “Here comes your son, Cecilia. Let’s get you out of the cold.”

  “Thank you.” She held out her hand, and I gave it a reassuring squeeze.

  Nathan arrived with her son, who had a large bandage taped to his forehead, and together we got them in the back of the ambulance. The hospital was less than five minutes from the accident location, so we had them there in no time at all.

  I was silent on the drive back to the garage. A little sad, but mostly trying to remain strong. Seeing Law with another woman was always a possibility in the back of my mind, but I didn’t think it’d happen now. The man kissed me just yesterday. I still thought there was time to work things out between us. I guess I was wrong.

  Nathan parked in the garage, and after cleaning the back of the ambulance, we went inside.

  “You hungry? I could make you something to eat.”

  “I’m good. I think I’m going to go lie down for a bit. I didn’t sleep well last night, and if it’s busy tonight, I want to be well rested.”

  Concern flitted across his face, and he gripped the countertop. “You sure you’re all right?”

  “Yep. Don’t worry, I’m just tired.”

  One hand left the counter to scrub the back of his neck. “You want some company?”

  Was he asking what I thought he was?

  The question must have shown on my face, because his blanched in response. He waved both his palms at me. “No, that’s not what I meant. Just friendly company. Nothing more.”

  To save him from himself, I threw him a lifeline. “Company would be nice. But if you turn on the TV, you better keep the volume down. I want to sleep.”

  He caught up to me and nudged my shoulder. “Then I won’t be able to hear over your snoring.”

  “I do not snore.”

  His teeth sunk into his lower lip, and he raised his eyebrows. “You do. You snore like a lion with a sore throat.”

  “Keep it up, and I won’t let you watch TV at all. And I’ll eat that piece of cherry pie you left in the fridge.”

  “Okay, okay, truce. Just don’t hurt the pie.”

  “You’re a dork.” I slipped off my radio and curled into the couch cushion. Nathan sat in the leather recliner by my head.

  “You’re adorable.”

  I huffed but didn’t argue. The last thing I needed tonight was another conversation about the non-relationship between the two of us. A nap was on the agenda.

  While Nathan watched TV, I did just that.

  Luck was on my side; the night was slow. I caught up on sleep. And, somehow, I managed to keep Law from reappearing in my dreams.

  ***

  “I have to know the details. How have you been holding out on me for so long?”

  “I haven’t been. We’ve both been busy.”

  Kiersten glared at me over the rim of her wine glass. She swirled the dry red before draining it. “That’s crap and you know it.”

  I slid the bottle towards her with the side of my arm since my fingers currently looked like chocolate drizzled pretzels. “You’re wrong. The only reason why it feels like I’ve been holding out is–ˮ

  “Because you have been!”

  “Is because I actually have something interesting happening in my life and you’re impatient, is what I was going to say,” I grumbled, pulling another piece of wax paper towards me.

  Kiersten watched the excess chocolate drip from the peanut butter Ritz sandwich she was currently dipping. “That may be true, however, it doesn’t excuse the fact you didn’t tell me right away, busy or not. You could have called me. I would have driven through a freakin’ blizzard to hear you spill the deets on sex with that hottie.”

  Chocolate splattered on my cheeks. The cookie I was dipping slipped back into the bowl.

  “Are you a teenager? I swear, you’re a teenager.”

  “Why?”

  “Because who talks like that? Please, stop, before you start referring to him as sex-on-a-stick.”

  “I was going to say I wouldn’t mind a good jean-jerking with him.”

  My jaw flew open. “You’re outrageous. What the hell is jean-jerking?”

  “Oh, my dear sweet Cami. Your innocence astounds me.”

  A chocolate covered fork flew in her direction. “Drink your damn wine.”

  “Jean-jerking is like dry humping.”

  “So why not just say dry humping?” I licked the red wine from my lips. “Ugh. I don’t know why I’m even participating in this conversation.”

  “This is why I wish you’d go on more dates. You get so flustered over the smallest sex talk.”

  “I do not.” I mumbled around the rim of my glass.

  The oven alarm sounded, saving me from this conversation. The first batch of sugar cookies was done. I swapped them out for the raw dough and placed the cookie sheet on the stove grates to cool.

  Kiersten and I were having our annual Christmas cookie bake-a-thon. Really, it was an excuse to drink wine and unwind. We started the tradition when Evelyn was five and I hadn’t had a single day without her since she was born.

  I worked so much that I felt guilty getting a babysitter, and even if I managed to find someone to watch her, I didn’t have friends to hang out with. Once Kiersten entered my life, she took pity on my lack of social life and made sure to find me some kid-free time.

  That morphed into her becoming Aunt Kiersten, and she took Evelyn off my hands whenever I needed a break. I owed so much of my sanity to her, but I mostly just paid her in free alcohol.

  “You do.” She picked up the conversation where I was hoping it stayed dropped. “Which I get. It’d be nice to see you try, though. You’re wasting a beautiful person on a life of loneliness.”

  “I’m going to try.” I kept my eyes trained on the sugar cookies I was transferring to the cooling rack.

  “Wait, what?”

  I shrugged. “I said I’d try. This thing with Law is whatever the hell it is. Only time will tell. On the chance it doesn’t amount to anything, I’m going to remain open to dating. I’m not going to shut down and self-destruct.”

  Kiersten squealed. “Oh, I can’t freakin’ wait to hear all your dating adventures. I’m open to hanging with Evelyn whenever you want to go out. Except, of course, if I have a date.”

  “Which is basically every weekend.”

  We grinned at one another.

  “Are you really happy, though? If things with Law don’t develop any further.”

  “I’m about ready to kiss that possibility goodbye as it is. I saw him around town with a woman in his truck. We haven’t talked in a while. We had this amazing, mind blowing sex and then... nothing. Not even a text.” The oven timer went off again, so I moved in that direction. “Seeing him again has been good, though. There’s some closure. And I am happy.”

  She eyed me skeptically and popped a chocolate covered pretzel into her mouth.

  “I am. My life here with Evelyn... It’s more than I could have ever dreamed it’d be. What’s there to not be happy about?”

  I chose a white chocolate dipped pirouette cookie and bit off the end.

  “You deserve to have it all.” She said soberly.

  “With you and Ev, I already feel like I do.”

  “Okay, enough of the sappy. More wine!” Kiersten declared, topping off both of our glasses.

  I was
hed down the cookie I just devoured and set my glass down on the counter.

  “Just so you know,” Kiersten started. I lifted my eyes to hers. “When we go out next Friday for New Year’s, you’re going to find someone. I don’t care who, but if you leave that bar without at least a phone number, I’m going to be pissed.”

  “Maybe.” I shrugged and smiled. “But, I refuse to force it.”

  “I’ll force it.”

  Attempting to keep her calm, I picked up my glass and replied, “Okay, Kiersten.”

  10.

  “Bye honey, be good for Lori. I’ll see you on Monday.”

  Evelyn rolled her eyes at my endearment but wrapped her arms around my waist. “I will, mom. Have fun with Aunt K and happy early New Year.”

  I kissed her cheek and ran my fingers through her auburn hair. It fell past her waist in soft waves. It flew wildly behind her as she jogged down the steps and climbed into the backseat of Lori’s black sedan where Maggie was waving.

  “Call me if you need anything at all.”

  Lori turned at the sound of my voice from where she had been watching our girls. “It’s crazy how much they’ve grown up, isn’t it?” She tucked a short lock of blond hair behind her heavily pierced ear. “I couldn’t believe it at first when Maggie asked to stay in a hotel over break for her birthday. What happened to having a regular sleepover and playing with dolls?”

  I laughed. “No kidding. You’re brave for hosting a big co-ed party at a pool. You’ll have to let me know how many dad’s stick around to keep an eye on those boys around their daughters.”

  “Something tells me it’s not the boys I have to worry about.” She made a face of mock horror, and we both chuckled.

  “That’s because we were both once fourteen-year-old girls. Once they start noticing the boys, it’s all over. Teenage drama train full speed ahead.”

  She sighed and readjusted the strap of her purse. “I better get going. There’s a snowstorm coming in late tonight, and I know Mags is anxious to get there.”

  “God speed, woman. I owe you a drink once this is all over.”