At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  “I’d never tell anybody. That’s not what I want. I don’t anything from you.”

  He leaned forward on the island that stood between us, gripping the edge until his knuckles turned white. “Then why are you here?” he hissed through clenched teeth.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Get rid of it.”

  “No.”

  “This is blackmail. If I go down, I’m ruining your reputation. You’ll be known as the town slut.” He clenched his jaw and looked out to the four-seasoned porch that doubled as his office. Without warning, he took off in that direction.

  I watched, statute still, as he tore through drawers. The white dress shirt he wore became wrinkled from his frantic movements.

  “What have I done?” He covered his face and spoke in a way I didn’t think he intended me to hear him. “You have to leave.”

  His voice became louder. “You have to leave.”

  “I can’t leave,” my voice shook. “Where would I go?”

  “It’s the only solution. I’ll give you money, and you have to get out of here.”

  “Go where? I’ve lived in Logansville my entire life.”

  This solution calmed him down. He adjusted the burgundy, paisley tie he wore and rounded his desk. He stopped in front of me, thankfully an appropriate distance away. “I have money, but you have to leave. I’ll give you ten grand upfront and twenty-five hundred dollars a month until the baby is eighteen. The only condition is you leave and never come back. You can’t tell anyone where you’ve gone or that the baby belongs to me.”

  I swallowed hard and looked around the space that had been so much like a second home. Knowing I’d never step foot in there again caused an ache to spread throughout my chest.

  I’d never see Law again.

  I knew what I had to do as soon as he’d said it. There wasn’t another option. Only, I had one condition.

  “I’ll take the ten grand today and leave. Right now. I’ll pack my things and go. I need your help getting a decent car to get me away from here, though. Mine would never make it. The last thing either of us needs is my car breaking down and forcing me to come back.”

  “Done. Anything else?”

  “I don’t want your charity. I don’t want the rest of the money.”

  “Non-negotiable.”

  “That’s stupid. Give me the cash, and I’ll be gone. A monthly payment would only leave a paper trail.”

  He sighed. His hands moved to rest on his hips, and his chin dropped to his chest. “You’re still a little girl, Cami.” He raised his eyes to mine. “As much as I want to make this, and you, disappear, I can’t just let you go out into the world on your own with nothing. You’re sixteen. You don’t even have a high school diploma. What kind of job do you expect to get that could provide livable wages?”

  “That’s not your business. This is my condition. Take it or leave it.”

  “You aren’t leaving me much of a choice.”

  “I don’t have any choices, so it’s only fair, isn’t it?”

  His response was to pick up the phone and make arrangements to remove the cash from the bank.

  We stopped at my house to pack my things. After picking up the money, he took me to a used car lot and purchased a gently-used, red Honda Civic. I got in the driver’s seat, and we drove separately down the highway to put my things into my new car away from prying eyes.

  As I was climbing in a second time, ready to drive away from the only life I’d ever known, Law’s father stopped me by calling my name.

  I froze with one foot out the door and a hand on the handle, about to slam it shut. My head turned toward his voice to see he’d stopped just beside my rear wheel.

  “I wanted to say good luck. I wish you and the baby all the best. And, that I’m sorry.”

  With barely concealed emotion, I gave it to him as straight as I could without breaking down. “I hope the rest of your life sucks. Every day, I hope you think about the vulnerable girl you used and the child you’ll never know, and I hope it eats at you until it’s destroyed you as much as you’ve destroyed my life.”

  I pulled my leg in, slammed the door, and left him standing on the side of a snowy backroad.

  ***

  I made one stop on my way out of town. The conditions of our agreement were to keep this a secret. I’d forced myself to leave without telling Law, but there was nothing in the world that could stop me from telling my brother where I’d gone.

  That was the final piece that broke me.

  He was so frail in that hospital bed; the sterile white room harsh on my eyes when I entered. I hit the dial to turn down the overhead lighting to give him a more comfortable setting. At the change, his eyes flitted to where I was motionless in the doorway.

  The oxygen mask covering his face looked uncomfortable and foreign. Seeing him in that state tore my already abused heart to shreds. I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. To take care of my own selfish mistakes and leave my dying brother behind.

  “What are... you doing... here?”

  “Shh. Don’t talk. Just listen.”

  I launched into the story, not leaving out a single detail. Minutes in and his hand searched the bed blindly for mine. When he found it, the tight grip sent a rush of emotion into my throat. Sadness coated my vision, and the pain at all I was going to miss carved up a permanent residence in my chest.

  “I don’t want to go.”

  “You... have to.” He forced out, coughing between the words. “I’ll be... okay. And so will... you.”

  “I’m so scared, Witchy.” And I really was, automatically slipping into using the old nickname I’d given him.

  “You’re strong. Strongest person... I know.”

  The thought made me laugh. “Yeah right, I’m weak. You’re the strong one, laid up in a hospital bed and comforting your stupid sister.”

  “I love you,” he croaked.

  “I love you, too. I’m going to get a job as soon as I get settled, and once I do that, I’ll start sending you money, okay? Don’t you worry. I’m still going to take care of you the best I can. And, now that I won’t be in school, I can work all the time–ˮ

  His grip got painfully tight. “You will not. Finish school. Get a GED. Promise me.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can. I need the money to support us.”

  “Promise. Me.”

  For the first time since my brother got really sick, I lied to his face. “I promise you.”

  Leaving that room was like cutting off my arm and leaving it behind. From that day forward, a part of me was always missing, hollowed out like it’d been surgically removed and the surrounding tissue never grew back in its place. With Evelyn’s birth, a new piece of me grew, but it felt like an implant, rather than a replacement for the place where Ritchie once was.

  13.

  I woke up to the sound of alarms ringing and people shouting. A nurse grabbed me by the shoulders and started pulling me out of the room. “Ma’am, you need to give them room to work.”

  “No! Please, help her, please,” I chanted, as fear soared inside of me. My beautiful baby girl was coding right before my eyes.

  I’d worked through a lot of traumas over my years as a paramedic. I’d seen it all from infants to the elderly, but there was nothing that could describe the horror and pain of witnessing it happen to someone I loved.

  “Please.” I watched them work on her, preparing the paddles to defibrillate.

  Someone else clamped onto my shoulders and began pulling me from the room. “Come here, Cami. They need to do their job.” His voice mirrored mine, shaking with terror at what he was witnessing. I tried tearing his arms off me, scratching and twisting in his grip, but it was no use. He had me in a hold I couldn’t shake.

  I gave in, letting him pull me from the room.

  Once there, I expected him to let go, to shove me away in disgust.

  He didn’t.

  He pulle
d me to the other side of her doorway, far enough that I couldn’t see and could barely hear what was happening with my little girl, and he pressed my back up against the wall.

  One arm snaked around my waist, and the other shot up to grip the back of my neck. He pressed my face into his chest and buried his in the side of neck. He swayed us, humming an unrecognizable tune in a deep, low voice that both hurt and soothed me.

  The sound of the shock being delivered startled me, and his arms got tighter.

  “We got her back,” I heard a voice say, and that was when my knees gave out.

  Law cradled me as we sank to the floor together.

  “She’s okay, she’s okay, she’s okay, she’s okay,” he chanted. I wasn’t sure if it was more for himself or me. I wanted to argue that she’s not. That if her heart was stopping, there was nothing okay about her. But I kept that to myself.

  One by one, people began filing from the room, and I scrambled to my feet. As I rounded the corner of her doorway, the doctor stood in my path.

  “What happened?”

  His mouth tightened, and he shook his head. “It happens sometimes after a trauma. The body can only take so much. I’m sorry I don’t have a better answer for you. We’re going to run some more tests.”

  Law’s hand wrapped around my shoulder, and I reached up to hold it in mine. “Is she going to be okay?”

  “Only time will tell. I know it’s difficult, but we’re in a period of wait and see. Until her body begins to heal, we won’t know for certain.”

  “Thank you.”

  He nodded, and we stepped back to let him pass.

  Law and I took turns at her bedside, waiting for her to heal enough to wake up. I went to visit her friend Maggie on the other side of the ward. She made it through surgery and was doing well. Her injuries were less extensive, but still severe. She also had the mental challenge of processing and moving forward from her mother’s death. I knew from experience that it would take a long time.

  I was home showering three days later when Law called to tell me the doctor said they could try to wake her from the coma soon. We’d become cordial with one another, but the distance that separated us grew more palpable as Evelyn’s condition improved. I didn’t have a moment of doubt that once she woke up, our new future, and the role he would continue to play in our lives, would be revealed.

  Four days later, Evelyn opened her baby blue eyes. How I managed to keep it together was a mystery. They removed the intubation tube, and I clutched my baby, mindful of her healing body, and told her how happy I was to see her.

  With the help of the doctor, we pieced together the accident and what was to come. She took the news hard, the loss of Lori even harder, and we ended up sedating her for the rest of the evening. I sent Law home to shower and sleep in a real bed, while I took over the cot.

  The next morning, Nathan and Kiersten rotated in and out on their way to work. Neither could stay very long, but both promised to return as soon as they could. Kiersten promised to bring movies and card games later in the week to keep Evelyn company so I could go home and get a proper night’s sleep. I just smiled, because I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d never sleep soundly again.

  Every time I closed my eyes, the image of Evelyn all broken and bloody overcame my mind like a nasty infection. Every time the silence stretched, I could hear Nathan’s voice delivering me the news no mother wanted to hear. Night after night, I woke up to the sounds of my own screams ringing in my ears. The torture I felt was a small price to pay in comparison to the road Evelyn had ahead of her.

  Law relieved me after my friends left, so I could get some breakfast and drop into work. My boss had called twice in as many days, looking for an update on what I needed and how much time I’d be gone.

  I didn’t want to be away from Evelyn for long, though, so I skipped work, telling myself I’d call them later, and grabbed a breakfast sandwich from the coffee shop next door.

  When I returned, Law and Evelyn’s hushed voices floated into the hall. I couldn’t make out the words, but they sounded sweet conversing alone with one another. The thought of things that’d never be sent a dagger piercing through my heart.

  ***

  Three weeks to the day of the accident, Evelyn was released from the hospital. After several surgeries to fix the abdominal damage and her broken pelvis, she was free to come home. She couldn’t get around by herself for another week, pending clearance from her surgeon. Even though her pelvis was quickly healing, he was more concerned about her internal repairs.

  She wasn’t too miserable, though, because Law and Kiersten kept her company.

  Because I’d gone through much of our emergency stash with my own previous injury, I needed to return to work as soon as possible. At the start of her second week post–accident, I picked up extra shifts. My boss also ordered me to weekly therapy, on top of my normal hours, to help me from suffering from PTSD.

  Law took over staying at the hospital until she could go home, where he resumed looking after her there. It was pure luck that he had a job that was mostly seasonal.

  I missed her so much that my stomach cramped constantly, and I called and texted her nonstop. I was certain she and Law gossiped about my crazy behavior, but I couldn’t help it. I was afraid.

  I’d come so close to losing her that every time I had to leave, it felt like it was happening all over again.

  I’d done two weeks straight of five-on-two-off shifts before I took my five days off. Doing so provided me with a paycheck that made up for lost wages, and set me back on my usual schedule of working with Nathan. After everything, I wasn’t sure if he’d want to be my partner again. For me, what we went through the day of Evelyn’s accident completely wiped away any wrongdoings in my mind. Since I didn’t receive notice of a transfer request, it appeared he felt the same.

  I was surprised when, during the first of my five days off, Law announced he wouldn’t be around until I went back to work again.

  I shouldn’t have been. That morning, he came around like he’d done for the past week. He avoided me while I got ready, but as the day progressed, I had a sense of unease forming in my gut.

  Like when I was doing the dishes and Law walked in with a basket full of Evelyn’s sheets. He’d been doing them all week, keeping her bedding fresh and clean. The minute he hit the entrance to the kitchen and saw me, I watched through the reflection in the window as he dropped the basket on the floor and left without a word. I ended up washing her sheets.

  At lunchtime, instead of preparing her something to eat from the kitchen, he left and bought deli sandwiches.

  So, when I joined them in the living room, and the second my ass hit the recliner beside his he asked to speak with me in private, a challenge formed in my head.

  “Why?” I asked, lowering my voice to keep Evelyn from eavesdropping. The two had begun forming a bond while I’d been working, and I felt guilty being the reason he didn’t want to stick around.

  If I felt guilty, I was certain she’d hate me.

  “You know why. I’ve put up with you for her sake, but I can’t be stuck in this house with you. Not for an hour, not for five days.”

  His words hurt but they were true, and I deserved every one of them.

  I wondered if this was what custody felt like between divorced parents. Fighting over time with the kids, while trying to see the other parent as little as possible.

  “Don’t hurt her to get away from me. We can work something out. I can leave to give you two time. Do some grocery shopping or something.”

  Law dropped his head and studied his boots. “Fuck if I’m going to help you. Get groceries on your own damn time.”

  Ouch.

  I thought about throwing it in his face that I had to buy groceries for Evelyn, too, but knowing Law, he’d storm out and buy her a personalized stash of food that I wasn’t allowed to touch.

  “Okay, so what do I tell her? When she asks why you’re suddenly gone after sitting at
her bedside for the past month?”

  “She knows where I’m going.” He jabbed a finger in my direction. “You don’t need to know.”

  My mouth dropped open. I quickly snapped it shut, speechless.

  Yes, I’d hurt us beyond repair, and I could only imagine how disgusted he was with me, but he was not about to disrespect me in my own home.

  “Fine,” I bit out. I hated that he brought out this side of me. I hated we couldn’t get along for her sake, and instead, acted like two children fighting over a favorite toy. “Get out. Enjoy your time alone. But when you get back, you better bring a different attitude because I’m not going to stand here and let you disrespect me in my own damn house.”

  I fumed. He fumed.

  He glared. I glared right back.

  “Fine,” he grunted, and thundered down the hall.

  “Fine!” I shouted at his retreating back.

  The front door shut. Not with a bang, but there was force behind it.

  “Mom?”

  Crap. The weight of it all nearly brought me to my knees. My head drooped and I gripped the hair at the sides of my head.

  Emotion toyed with me. I felt the gamut. Anger, sadness, hurt, guilt, shame, regret. If I hadn’t told him, we could’ve been enjoying a completely different reality right now, one where we were both spending time with Evelyn together as if we were a family. We’d had that one glorious weekend a month ago that had lined up the possibility of that future so perfectly.

  And I shattered it.

  It had to come out. I knew that. Who was I to move us forward without giving him the one piece of the puzzle he’d been desperate to have for so long? It was done. I couldn’t dwell.

  The trajectory of my future had been forever altered.

  I didn’t want a life of love if I couldn’t have Law. That was clear to me. What we went through the past few months changed me.

  The feelings I had for him before he showed up all stemmed from a lost childhood love. They were fantasy. We’d shared sweet kisses, happy memories, and hopes for the future. I was forced to give up the dream of him at sixteen, and I spent the next fourteen years surrounded by the what–if’s.